Rudolph Zurick

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Most pictures of Rudolph were intentionally out of focus to hide his roid acne.

Rudolph Zurick was a 40-year-old emo prison guard from central New Jersey. Zurick became an hero for graet justice on January 2nd, 2008 to avoid talking to the Party Van about losing his prisoners after a jailbreak of epic proportions and lulz.

The Perps[edit]

Jose Espinosa, a dashing inmate by all accounts, caught the eye of Officer Zurick some time in late 2007. Zurick sought to win his favor, so he began giving Espinosa and his cellmate Otis Blunt precious gifts in the form of tools, hoping that he would receive fleeting glances of affection in return and that one day, Espinosa would invite Zurick to be his one and only prison bride.

The Dear John letter Espinosa left Zurick

Prison break[edit]

This however was not meant to be as the two prisoners used the tools they were given to escape from Union County Jail and at the same time managed to steal Zurick's iPod resulting in much BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!


After watching the Steven King movie "The Shawshank Redemption" in the prison break-room, Espinosa and Blunt decided to do exactly what Tim Robbins' character did and burrow a hole through the wall using crudely fashioned tools. They chipped away at the cinder block wall at nights and covered the hole with Playboy pin-ups by day. When they were ready to go, they put pillows under their sheets to make it look as if they were asleep.

They then wiggled through the holes, jumped off a 30 foot-high wall and then scaled a razor-wire fence before getting to rail tracks and making their escape. The icing on this delicious cake, was leaving behind a note intended for their BFF guard Zurick, that went:


   
 
Thank you Officer Zurick for the tools needed. You're a real pal! Happy Holidays.
 

 
 

—Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman

Who could have seen it coming?

Dead mom[edit]

Rudolph's mom promptly dropped dead upon finding out her son was a careless fairy.

Going out with a bang[edit]

Because he was emo, Rudolph did what came naturally. He returned home, lifted some weights, then promptly shoved a pistol in his mouth and blew his brains out.

an earlier attempt at offing himself only resulted in a new carphone for his cruiser.
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