Santa Claus

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Santathreat.jpg
Santa Claus did time in Arkansas with weev.
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Santa's up to trouble again.

Santa Claus is an obese German fugitive long sought by authorities in connection to several billion late night break-ins, during which he is alleged to have 'observed children whilst sleeping' before leaving his notorious and somewhat ambiguous calling card: a gaily colored curved 'rod' made of candy, and ten gallons of delicious eggnog . Santa also made an appearance in the movie "Home Alone" starring Oprah. It is also a well known fact that he is Keyser Soze. He is also amassing an army of Goatse clones to attack the Jews.

"Santa" is an anagram of "Satan." Coincidence?

History[edit]

Coca Claus
The heavily bearded 'Claus' in a rare unguarded pose
Black Santa
Merry Christmas kids!

Santa Claus (aka Saint Nicholas, Saint Dickless, Father Christmas, Papa Christopher, Chris Tingle, your dad) first became known to the popular media in 1955, when, inspired by the then-famous Coca-Cola brand he swapped his traditional lederhosen for a warmer red number and became an overnight sensation. It is speculated that, by endorsing the cola, he quickly became addicted to its irresistible qualities.

The history of the dumb, lovable fatfuck begins with him as a donator. He is known to give toys to children whose families can't afford jackshit. He watches the children when they're awake or sleeping in front of a television with a bottle of lotion and a carton of tissues at side to observe that if they're behaving or not. If the little shits are good by donating their money to the decoy Santas ringing bells at the front of a Wal-Mart, he gives them a toy. If a child is a little devil themselves, they receive a rock that is worth more than a village in Africa. He delivers those toys and rocks by riding on a sleigh that is pulled by cocaine-addled deer who are strong enough to pull his fatass around the entire planet in 24 hours on a holiday that is meant to celebrate the the Roman rip off of Kronos.

Santa receives toys from kidnapped elves that are held slavery at a sweatshop at the North Pole. The elves work year round to produce millions upon millions of toys for the little bastards to play with on the big day that they're forced to go to church all day long instead of playing that awesome Xbox One they were given by the pedo himself.

Santa's existence is debatable as he gives rich children more expensive toys than poor children (who rely on food stamps to eat food) receive toys that can be found at the nearest dollar store. Santa is also marketed by big corporations as a marketing ploy for holiday shoppers to purchase manufactured material for a discounted price that is cheaper than other times of the year. Santa is a fake mascot for stores worldwide and is created by greedy Jews who don't celebrate Christmas, but pimp Santa's image for a sweet profit.


Nevertheless, fat idiots dressed in red have been used to celebrate Christmas since at least Charles Dickens.

Probable Nazism?![edit]

Ever notice the three colors santa always wears? Red, Black, and White. What else has Red, Black, and White? THE NAZI FLAG BITCHEZZ!

Criminal Record[edit]

Santa's criminal record can kick Freddy Krueger's criminal records' ass. He is notorious for breaking into little children's homes and buggering them good and proper to his catch phrase, "Merry Monglemas every body!". There have been 5,430,553,603,569 records in the past 100 years. Although cum samples are plentiful from all the shota and loli he's consumed, CSI has encountered numerous problems trying to track the jolly fat cunt down mainly because he lives at one of the most geographically remote places possible - the North Pole (the perfect place to house a horde of sex slaves that stay children for thousands of years).


When Santa is not on the job, a little drinking can cause big trouble..


Culture[edit]

Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!

Embraced by a variety of cultures worldwide, Santa Claus allegedly possesses the ability to 'morph' or 'transmogrify' to resemble a human of any genetic group or minority (see examples below). This ability has led to a deal of suspicion and accusations of witchcraft & magicks amongst certain primitive cultures (see Texas). During the infamous 'Claus Riots' of 1971, chocolate effigies of Claus were burnt by many *****stitious Texans, who were later subdued by aggravated sodomy.

Transport[edit]

Santa Claus is alleged to transport himself by means of a sleigh (or sledge) drawn by a team of 6 or 7 reindeer (or caribou): Dasher, Dancer, Dandy, Primper, Comet Superstore, Nixon, and Randy. Whilst it is true the reindeer can fly, they are only capable of subluminal travel. Santa's preferred mode of propulsion is what is known in some circles as the gravity drive. The gravity drive simply requires Santa to eat fifty children, commencing on his journey which causes him to gain infinite mass and thus space and time itself bend around him causing time to travel slower for all the inhabitants of the Earth. There is of course a second opinion that follows that Santa travels through a rip in the space time continuum that is only possible to open if you are fat and gay.

Diet & Home Life[edit]

Santa & Rudolph.

Little is known of Santa Claus' private life (although rumours that he has married for political reasons abound). His dietary requirements are unusual, being almost exclusively of the lactose and wheat-based variety. It is theorised that the gay and paedophile mutagens have combined to not only form this most repulsive of persons but also to create a cock and loli based life form. The curious diet it has been put down to a rather extreme binge weight loss program developed to shrug off his infinite obesity during Christmas night. There have been sketchy reports that the red 'suit' we perceive Santa to wear is actually his skin: a special variation of the F.A.T (Food Absorption Tissue) that is seen on all obese people as it allows him to mongle children without ever touching them. Further evidence has shown that Santa in the early stages of his deliveries actually uses his infinite mass to draw the food and children towards him thus making the eating and mongling process almost automatic.



Speculation & Suspicion[edit]

Easy to get confused, no?

Christians get upset about the fat man, on account of Santa is Satan's counterfeit of the Lord Jesus Christ.

"Once you get that child believing with all their heart in Santa then the next logical step is – Jesus and Santa they’re both the same – and they're both a LIE."

Santa Claus has long been the object of suspicion in many global cultures, due to:

Slavery[edit]

According to respected philanthropist Lyndon LaRouche, Santa, or rather, Sinterklaas, operates a triangular trade as the head of the Anglo-Dutch economic conspiracy that keeps you and other niggers down. The middle passage consists of Negroid slaves captured in Egypt (and Morocco) and shipped to Spain where Sinterklaas lives and has his helpers manufacture goods. Approaching the Winter Solstice, Sinterklaas and his negroes (all of them nicked "Black Pete") sell the toys to good children in The Hague, while they kidnap the naughty ones and haul them back to Turkey to be negrified into black Petes themselves. Charges of kidnapping, forced labor, etc. are dismissed before they are brought up since the agency that deals with crimes committed in such a scale, the International Criminal Court, is located in the same country for which Sinterklaas works. It's a good system and thus the cycle repeats profitably with the only downside of producing a surplus of Turks and Moroccans.



Sinterklas' li'l helpers - the snow is actually crack.


Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


See Also[edit]

Santa MAH BOI!


Featured article December 24 and 25, 2015
Preceded by
Romeo Rose
Santa Claus Succeeded by
Kwanzaa
Featured article December 13 and 14, 2018
Preceded by
George Herbert Walker Bush
Santa Claus Succeeded by
Yosuga No Sora