Sarah Jane Newbury

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Sarah was christened Sarah Jane Beatrice Newbury at Bratton Church
Sarah Jane Newbury is an international celebrity on account of one (1) single fact. She is absolutely unfuckable. And not just in the "Ugh, who'd put their dick in that?" sense. She will not let anyone fuck her, because to do so would be to abandon the only thing for which she is famous - the fact that she is Britain's Oldest Virgin. No, really.

To this end, she proudly maintains a vintage 1996 website that offers a reading experience not unlike being clubbed to death by an Alzheimer's patient armed with an extra-large quilted Valentine's Day card that has been smothered in honey. The truth is that she is actually famous for her godawful atrocity of a website, and not at all famous for being an ugly and insane old woman who has never been dicked.

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Despite her proud claim to be Britain's Oldest Virgin, Newbury is remarkably shy about revealing her exact age. A newspaper article from September 2003 states that she was 45 at the time, which may or may not be accurate. This would mean she was born in 1957 or 1958, but there is no way of confirming this.

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What we can say for certain is that Sarah Jane has Judges in the family and a lot of them in her ancestry. She was given a Shetland pony when a small child then a pony she called Honey when she was 10. She had a cat called Cleopatra and fed a wild cat called Elsa. Her father says she is a very thoughtful daughter. Other than her mother with Parkinson's, all of her relatives are luckily in excellent health. They all did well at school, college, university etc. and are hard working, nice people. They are all also very good to their children and there are no problems. The family are all happy very well adjusted people and always helping others. None of Sarah's family have a criminal record for anything and they have always been brought up to respect the Police. Sarah has never thrown bread rolls, rotten apples or eggs or anything at anyone.

𝓖𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓖𝓸𝓻𝓰𝓮𝓸𝓾𝓼𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓼 About missing Pics
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Sarah Jane and Nicole, who is American, in America filming an American tv documentary

Her first job after leaving Trowbridge College was for Lovegrove and Durant, Solicitors, Windsor for 2 years. They are very nice men. When she left, she received a letter inviting her to go back and work for the Senior Partner Mr. Hancock, but she had already started to look after the children of friends who were involved in a serious road accident (she often worked as a Nanny).

Sarah Jane was very upset as, because she would not do anything, her boyfriend went off with someone else. Her job was stressful and there were ridiculous rumours she must be a lesbian for having the will power to refuse him or must have had a bad experience, so Sarah was very indignant and felt as if she would explode with anger at such stupid speculation. So her Doctor said she was suffering from anxiety and directed her to take a week off work.

This is when she first asked to be examined to prove she is a virgin, not a lesbian, has never been raped, never been molested, never been pregnant, has missed out on all the action!! and is just waiting for marriage.

Her boyfriend explained he would rather be with Sarah, and hoped she would want him when ready to settle down. Sarah was always fond of him but when he was ready to settle down she decided she was still not ready to get married.

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Sarah Jane Newbury has never had anything other than measles, indignation and flu. Sarah's mother never bothered with drink or smoking at all. She always went to church and was of the Church of England religion. Her father never drank, either, and when he was a PT instructor in the army, went to pubs and asked for a glass of milk. He does sometimes drink wine now. Sarah has seen a lot of friends' lives destroyed by drink and only drinks red and white wine and brandy in orange in moderation which she believes is good for you. She is losing around two pounds a week on her diet and takes a very tiny aspirin a day to thin the blood and has now cut down on salt. Salt was one of her weaknesses at one time like chocolate seems to be for others.

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She asked her Doctors this year to examine her to prove that she is still intact and doesn't need a smear test. The letters also prove that she has never been pregnant. The fact that Sarah Jane is an intact virgin means that she can sue, which is why tape recordings of slander were given to doctors proving that she has not imagined it, is not paranoid, and has never had any illness other than flu and is lucky to have good health.


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The only person who accused Sarah of lying about being a virgin was the rejected neighbour in anonymous letters before publication of doctors' letters. He pretended she must be in bed with Tony as they share a house but he is like a brother. This neighbour was furious at being rejected and has tried to put people off and would like her to stay a virgin forever or why make ridiculous accusations she comments. Sarah Jane will be listing her ex boyfriends and is good friends with them all. The same neighbour pretended Sarah and Tony and the whole road said they had signed a petition to get a man, his wife and 3 cats out of the road he had argued with. This was more lies and the petition never existed. Sarah Jane believes most people stopped talking about her years ago and have accepted she is a virgin saving herself for marriage.

One rejected neighbour sent letters containing lies to various newspapers and is believed to have killed and eaten Sarah's cat!

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𝓢𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓱 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼! About missing Pics
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