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School

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Welcome to your Modern Education.

Schools are torture chambers where lazy parents send their innocent children, who are kept prisoner, to effectively cut the amount of time and effort involved in caring for them by half via glorified re-education day care centers. Hippies and overly right-wing Christian fundamentalists who fear that their children will be exposed to reality and reject the mental retardation-themed hive mind of their religious dogma often opt for alternative form of education known as homeschooling or private schooling (i.e., non-public, non-government-funded).

Unfortunately, these parents who opt for home or private school fail to realize that their children will end up developmentally stunted without the prescribed curriculum of self-loathing and apathy that can only be learned at a public school. Schools in Londontown are over-populated buildings used by niggerz and wiggerz to practice their stabbing skills before moving into the real world. At school they learn how to: stand around in crowds intimidating old women, hover a B-Ball cap on their heads at a jaunty angle, say axe instead of ask (amongst other linguistic errors), practice an accent unknown to any other culture on the planet and most importantly; how to steal Pokemon cards. There are no teachers - or jokerz in nigger speech - at schools in Londontown as they have all been "jabbed up" and "diced" by children wearing Boxfresh pajamas. Like the Catholic church, schools are also excellent places for pedophiles to find work. If you are a lucky male student, you COULD get a 25-30-year-old female teacher who's a bimbo and will spread her legs for the entire male population of her class and later file a lawsuit against one's school for the consensual sex.

The average teacher
When second grade students rebel against the teacher, lulz ensues.

The only things you learn at school

You don't actually need to care about either one.
  • The man knows better what to do with your time than yourself.
  • Wikipedia is crap.
  • All children learn at the same pace (Unless you're AZN and taking AP).
  • The best way to prepare for the future is to not specialize and learn about as much about everything as possible.
  • Fuck taxes, and fuck leisure, FUCKING TRIANGLES AND ALGEBRA ARE ALL YOU NEED TO SURVIVE!
  • If you don't learn everything, you can't go to College/University. If you don't go to College/University, you can't live a happy and fulfilling life where you need to do nothing but sit at a desk and do the same thing, all day, every day, for the majority of your life.
  • Every subject on earth can be presented in an uninteresting way.
  • The best way to evaluate pupils amount of learning is to compare the pupils results with each other.
  • The fucking headline for a news article from at least 300 years ago.
  • You get to learn how to master the ancient art bullshitiing dumb fuckers who are blatantly asking for it.
  • Where you get to see army drill sergeant dropout wannabes irreversibly morph into the loud fat saggy twats known as gym teachers.

Why grades are needed

Only smart or disciplined people need a good education. Dumb or undisciplined people can make it on their own very well in the world. Also smart people need a prestigious title, exclusively granted by the man, otherwise customers could not be able to tell that they were getting a good service from their doctors, teachers, psychologists and so forth.

School Shootings

Nuvola
Moar info: School Shooting.
Students.gif

As you know firsthand, school is a horrible, hellish prison where the jocks rule the hallways, and everyone who doesn't conform to to peer pressure or what's cool gets brutally lynched and burned alive - at least socially. Little Jimmy mostly keeps his head down, soaks up the suffering, and goes about his miserable little day. But sometimes, that lonely little boy decides enough is enough. So he steals Daddy's gun, or somehow manages to get one on his own, and goes for the High Score by turning his local School into a bloodbath; a level straight out of DOOM, or whatever violent video game he wastes his greasy little hands on. Scientifically speaking, this is the greatest possible outcome for a student, as he (and rarely, she) will become world famous and have thousands of creepy fangirls who wants to suck his greasy 4 inch dick. Even those popular jock douchebags won't make as many hot jailbait girls wet. This act also generates some of the strongest shitstorms known to western society.

Variations

In the USA

Typical student that radiates faggotry around school grounds.
SchoolValdalism.jpg
Stayinschool.jpg

As of the year 2000, the internet had gained popularity and of course, major fags started to interact with it too. Aside from that, school shootings, violence, harbl, vagoo and drugs are common place.

Who resides at this place:

Here is an average day at High School

High School

Typical High School life

Guys locker room erection:

 
 
Growing up in middle school and high school I always had a problem taking a shower with the other boys. Many of the boys in high school would walk around the locker room with an erection. Rubbing it against the smaller guy’s and bragging about how big they were. My penis was very small about 1” with out an erection. In the locker room the guys would always make fun of me a tell me I was more like a girl. I realize it know that many of those guys were most likely gay. A few of the guys next to me used to come over a pinch my penis and when I got and erection about 3” would push me around the locker room and making sure everyone would see me. Once they pushed me outside in front of some girls and I was so ashamed not only did I not have en erection but it was almost an completely inside my body less then an inch and some of the girls thought it was so funny and did in fact make fun of me. A few girls were teasing me about my small penis and I had an erection at the time and they talked me into showing it to them. That turned out to be cool because they thought it was small but a cute erection and three of them touched and played with it right outside the boys locker room! One of the asshole guys onetime made me touch his erection in the locker room when no one else was around. We were in there shower and he made me stroke him with soap. He made me stand there as he put soap on my body then he rubbed my cock with soap and I got an erection. He soaped my ass and stuck his finger in it. My eyes started tearing up and I told him to leave me alone but he said he would pull his finger out and stick his cock in. I begged him to leave me alone and said other guys could come in the locker room at anytime and what would happen if they saw him. He then said I had a choice he would stick it in my ass, I could suck his cock or he would kick my ass and still do one or the other. He was so much bigger then me so I decided to have him pull his finger out and fuck me rather then suck him. He already had a lot of soap in my ass and he slid his cock all the way in my ass which made me cry in pain but before he could start pumping a teacher came in and he quickly pulled it out and I even faster got out of that locker room and never took a shower unless there were lots of guys in there. I am now a bisexual man and I have learned to love seeing guys in the locker room and it’s always fun to see the younger guys walking around with an erection that they have no control over. I never grew much larger then 3” hard but there are a lot of guys that seem to appreciate it in the men’s locker room and unlike the early years I enjoy showing it and sharing it and the once in a while that I have sex in the guys locker room it’s always fun and exciting and not a nightmare like in high school, now it’s all fun.
 

 

—Typical Teenager with a small cock A.K.A. a typical Asian.

If you ignored the tl;dr, click here.

A typical day at school:

Driving School

A typical day in driving school.


Rich People Schools

Every posh school is exactly like Cruel Intentions, except everyone is inbred and you have to make up a retarded fake accent to fit in.

Some schools have the added bonus of costing vast sums of money. This extra expense pays for Blazers, which sort the chaff from the entitled pricks and additional lessons which poor people never learn, such as croquet, promiscuity and enunciation (how to talk like a complete dick).

You should feel free to act like an asshole and rub your expensive education in the faces of as many people as possible. Bonus points if you do this to those fellow students who are only at the prep-school via scholarship and are pariahs because they don't come from inbred old-money families.

Art School

Nuvola
Moar info: Art School.

School Society and Politics

In school, a completely different kind of society takes place. The politics here make the place seem like a separate country, or a camp of some sort. The politics in school works like a totalitarian dictatorship, where private and public behavior are regulated and enforced; while the ruler is the Principal, or more like the administration. Propaganda around the school influences students and members to work together by memorizing baffling formulas to get A's.


   
 
Schools are made for shooting.
 

 
 

—Some loner

Typical Rules

Generally, schools enforce a common set of rules to ensure the environment is safe and worker-friendly. See also: Hell

And finally...

  • NO PURPOSE

School Blocking Systems

Have fun.

Well nowadays all school systems have a blocking system for the internet. Now back in the good ol' days when porn at school wasn't a problem, we didn't have to worry about getting caught looking at a lesbian threesome in the middle of class. Because most likely your teacher would join you. Nowadays it's hard to do that without getting harassed about it and sent to jail. This is thanks to MADD and the PTA. But now blocking is getting too repetitive.

Here's a little list of common sites blocked by school systems:

Luckily if your school system is run by a bunch of hillbillies, then this shouldn't be a problem. A lot of these systems just block search terms, so reword your search and enjoy your guro, you sick fuck. If that doesn't work, just open up your CMD and ping a website.

...or go home and install a live Linux distribution on your flash drive.

...or you could get around blocked sites with:

Typical Discipline

Common suspension notice
Until you get it right

Every school contains bad seeds (A.K.A. the Harbingers of Lulz) who are destined to spoil the rest of the apples and every school makes sure to contain the problem. The methods are listed below from minor to major solutions.

  • Verbal Warning: A faculty member will often threaten the violator with detention, suspension, or a stern talk to their parents. They can be ignored if the teacher giving the verbal warning is a spineless pussy or a soulless void of a person who only shows up at work to collect a paycheck. A "verbal warning" is usually just a teacher telling you to STFU, which, on the bright side, does not embarrass you at all.
  • Beating: When the teacher is MAD, he/she will take out either a ruler or a bamboo stick (if azn) and will give you a slap on the hand. This usually does not affect you much, with the exception of the teacher being black then you are really fucked. A typical black teacher will usually ass rape you should you provoke him/her with lulzy acts.
  • Detention: Violators who do things such as get into fights, use curse words, or skip classes are sentenced to stay in a gas chamber room which smells of stale piss and sweat. Time and length for detention can range from one class period, an entire school day, or if the school is run by sadistic enough fucks, two hours AFTER school. But it gets even worse. The faggot that watches you during detention WILL sodomize you for the next two hellish hours of your life. He will keep you on a dog leash. He will make you call yourself Shirley. He will thrust repeatedly until he pulls out and shoots it onto all of your facial orifices. All the while everyone else in detention cries out in humiliation for you as the lava compartments open up in the seats. There also exists a version of Detention that has you being in a fucking room all of the school day.
  • Suspension: You are not allowed to attend school for around one day to two weeks; parents are often notified, come hell or high water, so you can't avoid them knowing about it and teachers are required by law to give you "F's" for all classwork/test you may miss, no matter how much cock you suck or carpet you lick. On the plus side, you can (in theory) sleep late and play Ecksbawks all day while your friends are stuck in school, but the negative side to the equation is that your parents will almost always double-ground you severely (no TV, no internet, no VCR only niggers use VCRs, a shitload of house and yard work that you are sadistically coerced into doing starting at 5:00 AM in order to deny you a chance to sleep in).
  • Expulsion: Major violators who do lulzy acts such as burn things, call teachers child-molesting mongering shithead skullcunts, kill the science lab animals, sell drugs, or proclaim that school is a waste of time and why the fuck should they obey a cunt named Mrs. Wallace who has a vagina filled with centipedes who obviously doesn't like you and lets everyone and their mother pick on you, are banned from school.
  • Saturday School: Depending on where you live the Saturday School can be either of these:
    • a myth created by "The Breakfast Club". As far as locking students (one of which represents one of the major social cliques: jock, nerd, white trash, Jew and goth) into the library and forcing them to write essays about how sorry they are for their sins sounds bad, in reality they use that time to smoke pot, make out and tell each other their darkest secrets as part of a pot-induced bonding exercise.
    • fucking bullshit as most schools will require the repeat offenders to come in on the Weekend in order to shuffle from one end of the campus to the other, cleaning up all the garbage and used condoms left around by the asshole student body. You will be trapped under the hot sun all day with a giant trash bag, rubber gloves and one of those robot pickup arms. Have fun faggot.

The Staff Overlords

In schools such as these, azn children are taught useful phrases such as "Zerg rush !!1" and "kekekekeke", as well as how to take shitty photographs of themselves throwing gang signs for their MySpace profiles.

A school's staff varies depending on how much money it has, which positions are not currently being filled with tenured teachers who are assholes that everyone hates; coaches whose job security is based solely on how popular they are and how well their team is doing and gender make-up (i.e., if a school is a taco-fest with one or two token male staff members). Oftentimes teachers will teach classes that they have ZERO knowledge about, simply in order to at least have a job and pray that they don't fuck things up by exposing their lack of knowledge to the kids who they are supposed to teach.

Teacher ranking varies on a variety of scales and factors: depending on how much of their souls have been destroyed by the job, how young the teachers are, how hot looking a teacher is, how needy and insecure a teacher is as far as wanting to be loved by his students at the expense of actually teaching them; the extent of a teacher's divine ability to able to move heaven and earth to help students learn/grow as people through mentoring students; and if they were touched by Satan and live for no other reason than to torment students for evil's sake and to compete with one another to see which soulless bastard can drive the most students to suicide or mass murder.

After teachers there are the guidance counselors, who are supposed to "help" students with emotional problems but who mainly keep everyone's permanent record organized, print up report cards and shred permanent records once a student graduates. Will offer the solution of "Just keep eating shit and smiling as you swallow it down" as their solution to any problem a student might have.

Vice-Principals are the second-in-command of schools; most often they are the ones who actually have to "run" schools, while the actual school Principal sits in his office behind locked doors and does jack shit save for downloading porn on the school computer. Seriously, you may think the Principal is a firm, polite man. But all he ever does is sit in his office and jerk off until the day is done. If you have been in his office, you know this is the truth. Haven't you seen the box of tissues he keeps on his desk? After all, lots of teachers have tissue boxes. Perhaps all everyone does all day is jack off.

A Vice-Principal can either be a student's best friend or worse enemy: sometimes Vice-Principals are "soft-touches", meaning they are lax when it comes to punishing students and generally affable as far as being willing to help people out and not punishing them to the furthest extent of their authority. Alternatively, there are those who are power-mad psychopaths who will use their authority to rule the school like they were Hitler while isolating the student body from ever having any contact with the actual Principal (who in many cases, turn a blind eye to the Mr. Bones of the world since they don't care to see the price paid by the students for his form of fascist control over the school).

Principals run schools, though the fact that they are often nothing more than impotent figureheads at the mercy of the school board and superintendent of schools, often causes many a principal to shove all responsibility of the job onto the Vice-Principal or become drunk with power as far as compensating for their lack of functioning penis by becoming a raging asshole who feels that bringing back the art of torture by waterboarding would keep the students so terrified of that they will behave like sheep and not cause any problems.

Funding

Nine out of ten toilets in every public school (trust us, you don't want to see the tenth).

99% of schools are funded by the US government, with the remaining 1% being funded by people that know what they are doing (the wealthy). As such, public schools are housed in buildings that are barely standing after 100 years, are lucky if they even have a single computer with internet access (or a computer lab that features a bunch of crippled computers that run on Windows 95 and are only used by the typing students), one soda vending machine (which is locked up during the day), no fucking air conditioning and heating that works every other day in the winter. Meanwhile the wealthy have climate controlled, brand new school buildings with a pool, top of the line computers with internet AND Wi-Fi connection and vending machines galore.

As such, many public schools are forced to rely on a variety of alternate means to bring in revenue:

  • Overpricing Vending Machines: Coke or Pepsi (and occasionally fruit drinks) and vending machines with a cavalcade of junk food that will make kids fatter. Some schools will turn off the machines during main school hours, forcing hordes of kids to get their junk food before first bell, after the final bell, or from the Candy and Soda Mafia that the teacher's union runs on the side to supplement their income.
  • Tickets: Tickets to half-assed plays, proms leading to sub-par or no action and watching your school's team lose a football game in a stadium is surefire way for parents to go to spend $20-$50 on for their child to enjoy after-school. Even worse, these tickets make the candy mafia leave the area because they're pussies that don't want to sell delicious pretzels near such faggotry.
  • Equipment funding: Because giving children positive role models is key to success in school and life.
  • Pictures and Yearbooks: Why hardcover-picture books with page after page of zit-faced idiots in it cost nearly $30 to $100 (depending on the size of the school) is beyond me.
  • Lunch: Shit food that not even Mexicans and blacks will eat, served to kids by 50 year old ladies in hairnets. The bulk of all school food is substandard shit that is bought via contract from prison food suppliers, with schools buying food from the cheapest suppliers, resulting in inedible shit food that is not fit for dogs, let alone human beings. Luckily, from Kindergarten through sixth grade, you can bring your own lunch in a colorfully decorated lunchbox but once you hit seventh grade (or high school), you must retire the lunchbox or be lynched from the nearest flagpole. At which point, one starts learning the art of skipping lunch in order to drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and eat while doing 70 MPH in order to get back in time to avoid being caught or pray that your school has a "candy mafia", as far as teachers selling snack-sized candy bars for 50 cents a bar to students in order to line their own pockets with kid lunch money. Fortunately, many schools are now starting an Open Campus system, where the students with good grades are able to leave school grounds during lunch and Study Halls.

Also of note is the "Free/Reduced" lunch program, where poor students get their lunches for free on the tax payer's dime, though at the cost of being branded as being so poor that you can't afford a $1.10 meal that consists of food that no one except you wants to eat anyway...

School Social Hierarchy

Typical social groups

Every school has a caste system, which dictates who is better than whom and lets everyone know how often he should expect for someone to kick his ass.

In most cases, this system operates as follows:

  • "The Badass" – Does whatever he wants and uses violence to garner the freedom to avoid the hierarchy bullshit and do his or her own thing. Often will ride a motorcycle, smoke pot, wear leather and be the masturbation fantasy of all of the women and gay male students who secretly dream of taming the beast.
  • Athletes – Jocks, who often times will run the school in the event that "The Badass" feels that controlling anyone and everyone at the school is beneath him. Jocks can range from harmless to sadistic fucktards whose cruelty drive his victims to shoot up their classmates. Make note to find out which ones to avoid and which ones to hang-out with in order to get their sloppy seconds and spill-over perks. Football is generally the dominant "Jock" subspecies, though sometimes you have basketball players acting as the "Alpha-Jock" if the school's football team sucks. If a school's sports team is good (i.e., wins a lot), jocks will be granted special powers that nobody except the Nerds can possess, as far as skipping classes and getting away with shit that would get a normal student detention or suspension.
  • Mean Girls/Heathers – Snotty rich girls who secretly use their tits and Satanic evil cruelty to keep everyone down socially. Will use Jocks as their personal armies most of the time to keep the male students in line via fear of violence, while using even more calculating threats of social pariahdom (via fake rumors of "_____ is a cock sucking whore who fucked the entire football team after practice") to destroy any girl who threatens the members of the Mean Girls'/Heathers' power base. Scientists believe that their evil comes from a complete lack of deep-dicking from their boyfriends and a steady diet of bottled water and laxatives to keep their 60 pound bodies looking anariffic. Even though statistics claim that males are more likely to be turned on by someone with a bit of weight, these girls are obsessive in trying their best to look like stick insects.
  • Sk8ers – "DUUUUDE!" "Sweet ollie kickflip, bro!" Either perpetually high or just stupid fucking morons. Sk8r subculture peaked sometime in 2002.
  • Douchebags – The name is slightly misleading as some have no trouble getting pussy despite not being jocks. Have names like "Chad", "Brody" or "Kyle". These are the guys who think Family Guy is the funniest shit in television history.
  • Whores – (Basically 16-year old girls) Girls who will spread their legs and suck dick of any guy who strikes their fancy. This doesn't mean you, it means me. Sworn enemy of the Heathers/Mean Girl crowd, since their evil power of cuntness is partially based upon them maintaining a frigid, sexless existence. Jocks will fuck whores as such, resulting in Mean Girls/Heathers persecuting whores as being whores in order to re-establish themselves as Alpha-Women, since real Alpha-Women are cockteases.
  • Everyone else – The "Faceless Mob". Basically a liquid, with each particle believing it's somehow different from the rest. Boring, bland and interchangeable. Can be manipulated/cowed into obedience by the Mean Girls/Heathers and Jocks, who see them as nothing more than cattle used to prop up their flaccid egos. Can be dumb as shit too, as far as not seeing the Mean Girls/Heathers or the more sadistic Jocks as soulless monsters that they are.
  • The Nerds – The kids who gets picked on, bullied, usually obsess over Pokemon cards and shat upon by those higher up on the social ladder and the faggots known as inbreds. But, all nerds have one or two allies/friends/acquaintances inside the school who provide the poor dumbass with the emotional lifeline needed to keep from killing themselves or going Columbine Virginia Tech Sandy Hook on everyone. These kids can be experts when it comes to online gaming. Despite misconceptions, Nerds are of average/high intelligence or are only extremely smart in one of the more "sexy" subjects, like English, Math, History and often will make the library their "Nerd Batcave" between classes and during lunch to discuss nerdy subjects/play D&D. People think these people will usually end up becoming the more successful people in life (providing the Jocks don't make it to the pros), but in truth they are just as likely to become as much a loser as everyone else. Known to be excellent trolls at times, but are too busy having D&D tournaments to practice. These are usually intelligent enough to realize nearly everyone else at the school is a fucking moron.
  • Scenefags – As mentally unstable as emos, but tend to be loud and obnoxious. Their dress and hair will reflect this. See article for detailed info.
  • Try-Hards – NEVER be a try-hard! These are those annoying faggots in every school who try SO hard to act like someone their not... and end up failing miserably.
  • Bronies – (Most of which are Neckbeards) Come in two forms: the quiet bronies and the serious bronies. The quiet bronies talk about the show casually and don't treat it like a religion. The serious ones wear pony shirts, make brony clubs, try to convert everyone to bronyism and never stop talking about fictional horses. Serious bronies are a good source of lulz for bored nerds. Oh wait, and guess what! JUST like the Pariah Nobody wants to talk to THESE faggots either, so they have to resort to venting their frustrations out on the Internet on their pointless quest to be Keyboard Warriors, cyber-bulling anyone and everyone, mostly calling people "Retard" or "Faggot", to make them feel better about themselves though most of them are (or grow up to be) useless Basement-Dwellers. Troll on Ecksbawks, most are roneryfags. On the internet, BEWARE of trolls! Just remember, not all trolls are Bronies, but all Bronies are trolls!
  • Niggers – Can also be Mexicans if you live in the U.S. Characterized by their lack of respect for people's personal space (probably due to their inherent compulsion to steal things) and their poor command of the English language.They're Paki if you're a Britfag,Turk if you're a Kraut and Leb if you're an Ausfailian. It's very unlikely that you will see them in any of your classes because they just roam the halls. If three or more get together in an enclosed space, they will have an orgy. If four or more get together, they may start growing pot and if any more than fifteen get together in the same place, you might have a Niggerpocalypse on your hands. Negresses follow the same rules, but a Negresspocalypse involves lots of sass instead of violence. Most in suburban schools are brought from their urban homelands to broaden your world view, though they usually fail to do so because they're too busy fucking and smoking ditchweed, because they can't afford the good stuff. They often form gangs, attack other students and have regular chimpouts. Typically can get away with shit due to the bleeding heart liberals and nigger lovers that run most schools.
  • Inbreds – The fucktards that every school is jammed full of. Their stupidity is more than likely the result of drunken pregnancies, failed abortions and getting their shit thrown around by their drunken abusive fathers. Usually stay in groups and are identified by the heavy, jutting brow, blond hair and the smell of week-old soiled kitty litter. The females tend to pick fights with any person they can, but eventually end up getting pregnant and dropping out.

CLUBS

Where you go to escape the pedophiles of the street

  1. Football - Where you get tackled by a fat nigger.
  2. Wrestling- Where you get tackled by stupid ruskies
  3. Debate - Where "smart people" go to spout their opinions, not realizing that noone gives a shit. 9,999 out of 10,000 chances will the meeting involve everyone crying while complaining that they only joined the debate club because college admissions offices get hard whenever they see an applicant who was on the debate team. Liberals also trying to preach rights for all of the Niggers, Jews, Faggots and Retards in the school. (LOL)!
  4. Audio-Visual (AV) Club - Used to be a club devoted to watching old newsreels and boring shit. In a somewhat disturbing trend, more and more high schools are hosting Anime Clubs, where fat and/or spastic virgin weeaboos can get together and watch hopelessly retarded children's shows about neon-haired catgirls.
  5. Student Council - A live-action popularity contest, where students are tricked into thinking that they have a say in how the school is run.
  6. Tennis - Where annoying prepatory students can boast about how good they are at a "sport".
  7. Holidays - Where niggers go on and on about Martin Luther King Day/Black History Month and annoying Irish niggers go on and on about Saint Patrick's Day and Mexicans go on and on about Cinco De Mayo and Christfags with Christmas, Easter, July The 4th, Thanksgiving, et cetera, Kikes with Hannukah, Arabs with Diwali and let's not forget Faggot and Faggette Appreciation Month.

Years and years of Edumacation

When entering "school", Americunts will be introduced to multiple tiers of learning RL.

Classes

School has a variety of classes that the bushy-tailed student will start every new day with!

  • English Literature - BOOKS! FUCK YES! You get to read dusty old tomes that even the Victorians wouldn't read! You might get lucky and read good books such as 1984 or Goblin Market, or you may be forced to read books about people being asploded into a hundred pieces or choking on Industrial Revolution factory fumes for over seven hours a day, promptly forcing you to cry yourself to sleep. PROTIP: If Shakespeare is offered, take it. It's better than anything else you'll get.
  • Computer Science Aye Aye Aye - Teaches you everything you need to know about the wonderful world of h4xz0ring. If you were born before 1985 you'll remember this being full of now-obsolete information, or taught by a teacher who didn't know jack about it. The Jewish and Asian Nerds in your class can also be little pricks so don't hesitate to beat them up to keep them in line every now and then.
  • Math - Excelled by the Asian race. Useless in the real world but most schools will force you to take Math classes up until 11th grade, at which point you can say "Fuck it, I'll take the extra Pre-Calculus class freshman year of college and graduate in five years instead of four!". Math is also the only class which is routinely offered as a remedial class for all students and not just the retards because everyone sucks at it.
  • Science - AKA "Physical Science', which is generally a lot of useless shit that you will have to take rather than actual "biology' or even "Animal biology". The class can sometimes be filled with annoying Gym Bunnies and Health Nuts... Your textbook will be filled with neat-looking experiments that your school doesn't have the budget to let you do. By the time you reach 10th Grade, you will FINALLY be able to take a science class that fits your inane desire for learning:
    • Chemistry - Teaches you how to mix chemicals with equations. This is the result of Math and Science being incestuous fuck-buddies. GUARANTEED there will be a happy Asian kid mastering that motherfucking class. May or may not come in handy when attempting to manufacture crystal meth. This is the class that (when you were a kid) you thought you could mix random shit together in a beaker causing an explosion. Also known as "Lern2MadScientist Class". Once you reach the higher grades, you will very soon realise that Chemistry isn't as fun as you thought it was, and will mostly be doing maths with very strange and unexplained questions and equations.
    • Biology - the one Science one can appreciate. Taught by dwarf-like-men and their freakishly tall women counterparts. If cutting up hearts and researching the lives of pond-weed is up your street, this is the class for you. Compared to Chemistry and Physics, you do a lot more experiments. This subject is also known for shattering the innocent mind of all the little kiddos when the human anatomy classes appear.
    • Life Science - This class helps you benefit from life on what would happen if humans and dogs fuck.
    • Physics - The motherfucker of academics, or Chemistry's inbred sibling. In physics, you learn equations and theories that look like somebody repeatedly smashed their head into their keyboard, watching goatse while high on LSD, then eventually go on to things like blowing the shit out of the universe into another fucking dimension. Learning is fun, kids! Every nerd's favorite lesson.
  • History - Teaches you what life was like before the Internets. There are some bloody, epic battles involved and soap-opera type IRL drama to be learned as a well, which makes it a favorite of students who suck donkey balls at science and math or those who enjoy comics and soaps and as such, translate history lessons into storylines written by Geoff Johns or Roy Thomas. Also watch out for those strange children who dress up in Tunics trying to re-inact historical events... keep CLEAR distance from those History Geeks, brah!
  • Geography - Rocks. Just...rocks. If you're lucky, you might study beaches, or AIDS. However, if you're really lucky, you get to visit one of Earth's very own resident trolls, a Volcano.
  • Phys.Ed. - This class specializes on training athletes and the lesser students to take hot, sweaty showers after a hard game of throwing ball. Occasionally a school will have a lesbian teacher, who will inevitably be a more likable (or at least more manipulable) than the male gym teachers as far as letting you spend an entire gym class networking with your friends while running around like a spastic monkey on crack. At the end of every class, the gym teacher says, "All right, ladies, get your clothes off, hop in the shower and bounce around for me." If you refuse to do so, you will get raped in the ass.
  • Computer Class - The only meaningful class that teaches you the ways of how-to-Internet or how to type real fast for your job as a cubicle slave monkey. Ass-cake kids usually sign up for this class so they can goof off and try to find a proxy to go FaceBookin' or play a game on ebaumsworld. If you were wondering too, this class is also considered Asian Kindergarten. Students today can consider themselves lucky, because back in the stone age of computers students learned BASIC from teachers who didn't know the difference between PC and Apple computers.
  • Home Economics - Teaches you on how to survive dorm life, cook food when your parents leave you home alone and how to do laundry to get rid of blood, cum, or vomit stains.
  • English Class - This class helps you speak American/bullshit in college regarding books you have to read in order to fit in. Favorite among Emos, Hipster, Artfags and people who suck at Math and Science.
  • DeviantART - Art class teaches you to express yourself in the style of painting.
  • Foreign Language - Si, yo amo el burro!
  • Band - This is where lazy fat fucks go to get out of P.E. Also there are a chance of gay kids and arrogant gay kids and borderline assholes, still incredibly nerdy and awkward nonetheless.
  • Wood Shop - Where the Emos go to cut themselves and dumbshit rednecks and football players go to get an A without actually thinking.
  • Health - After they tell you to say no to drugs at an age where your classmates are already using them anyway, they teach sex education as if half of your class isn't having sex already anyway. Also if you're lucky you watch a video of a baby being born out of Chewbacca's vagina.
  • JROTC - Where patriotic rednecks, lesbians and military wannabes go to wear inaccurate uniforms, march badly, shoot air rifles and learn a big load about the military that won't help them worth shit when they're actually in it.

Life Lessons

Censoring school prayer has done wonders for our educational system
We must decrease the number of dumbasses in
the US by 10% or Mannix will hurt somebody


School teaches kids many invaluable things which will become useful in later life. These include:

  • If the bisector of an angle in a triangle meets the opposite side at its midpoint, then the triangle is going to get raped.
  • Everything that isn't pretty is ungodly.
  • Unless you can play football, baseball, or are academically intelligent enough to invent shit that will make you a millionaire as an adult, you're basically fucked and will never amount to anything.
  • Always answer questions with full sentences for a cheap laugh. If somebody asks you what the capital of Europe is, you should answer in the form "The capital of Europe is England, sir." If you only answer "England", you will be deducted points.
  • The metric system, but only in the form of drug measurements, bullet calibers and getting a zentai suit made off of Ebay.
  • How to repair wounds inflicted during botched School Shootings.
  • How to protect yourself from a tsunami, nuclear bomb, earthquake, or terrorist attack (by huddling underneath your desk and cramming your head as far into your crotch as possible).

Sex in school

Discovery of the opposite gender

Girls will discover that boys are cute at around 10 years old, while boys are a little retarded and often don't figure out girls are cute until 13 years old. The immediate effect of this is that girls will think that prepubescent boys are cute - a fact that will stay with them into adulthood, but the full effect on boys isn't evident until they are in their 20's and notice developed sixth-graders and insist that 12 year old girls didn't have boobs when THEY were in school.

Discovery of the same gender

Whether a person's final sexual orientation ends up being gay or straight, it doesn't take long to figure out you've got a better chance being alone with someone who has the same parts as you. Any port in a storm, rite?

  • If you end up gay, then you must be emo about it until you move on to college
  • If you end up straight, then you must spend all your time convincing other people and yourself you aren't a faggot, even though you probably are.

Abstinence

Really does exist. Really does work. Really is boring.

Hot for Teacher

Supposedly, some older students get to score with their teachers, just not at your school. If it does happen at your school, it doesn't happen to you. If it does happen to you,then it's probably a fat old Child Studies teacher and you are the one being nailed, so technically, the teacher scores with your acne covered ass instead of it being vice versa.

Related

Facebook

Facebook is a website created by some teenager who wanted to make his first friend. It is a social networking/pr0n site that allows users to network with other people in their high schools or colleges. This has been favored over actually going to IRL school and seeing IRL friends.

This addition also allows RPers and other assorted losers to pretend they go to Hogwarts.

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See also

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External Links

School is part of a series on Education

[Drop OutGo To School]
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See Also

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