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ScrewAttack

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Screwattacklogo.jpg
The Angry Video Game Nerd, Handsome Tom, and Stuttering Craig. The most recognizable douches from ScrewAttack.
Old SA logo.
Newer SA logo.

ScrewAttack A.K.A Craig Skistimas' house of slave labor, bullying and bridge burning was a once relevant site for video game reviews, top ten lists and related news. However, under the reign of Craig the Nazi, the site has become nothing more than a fanboy paradise of trolling people who disagree with your choice of system and shit content.

While they were regarded as cool for their "underdog" status back in the day, ScrewAttack is really best known nowadays as not only the evil master who pulls the Angry Video Game Nerd's choke collar, but more recently for their god-awful corporate mismanagement, terrible public relations & persona, general butthurt against rival websites and bullying their staff.

They may try their hardest to make it look like they're being cool by standing up for their common man against the Goliath that is the video gaming industry, but do not be fooled - they are just as much the evil corporate, dark, money grabbing douche-bags that will let no-one stand in their way as the big faceless publishers they oppose. They care no more for you than Hitler did of the Jews. One mistake from you or dare you even go to another website as you're bored of their uninspired videos, it's off to the gas chamber with you my friend, with Craig himself dumping in the Zyklon B.

Beginnings

Stuttering Craig & Handsome Tom are about to shoot up Virginia Tech

ScrewAttack was shat out of Stuttering Craig's Polak cum stained asshole one chilly spring morning in 2006, when he decided to pair up with Handsome Tom Hanley to make an shitty podcast about how cool retro video games are. In all fairness, back in 2006, this was a novel idea (with only the likes of SeanBaby and ConsoleVania having done it before). But Craig sadly knows as much information about video games as the Irate Gamer does, forcing Tom to cover his back with even the most basic of schoolboy errors. Thus, with their boring, sleep-inducing dialogue and ill-informed gaming facts, the website and podcast was quickly falling into obscurity before it had even started. Something HAD to be done...

GameLife, the Beta AVGN

Andrew Rosenbaum, the Beta AVGN.

In Summer 2006, Craig noticed how popular a group of retards by the name of GameLife had become on the web. They were becoming THE big video game video makers on YouTube and MTV had even offered them their own TV show. So, Craig jumped at the chance at working with them to make epic monies. This video especially shows how desperately ScrewAttack wanted to suck up to these retards...

Fortunately, as retarded as GameLife were, they at least had the mental brain capacity and foresight to tell Craig to go fuck himself.

So, desperate to leech off someone else's eFame, he looked around the internets for some other video gaming reviewing candidate. By some total luck, he noticed a fresh faced young man on YouTube by the name of James Rolfe who was becoming increasingly popular by his videos of saying "fuck" and "shit" to various NES games. This was Craig's second big chance at riding the gravy train to internet celebrity. James foolishly signed a contract which gave ScrewAttack full rights of his show and weekly rectal drilling rights. Craig has been riding James' shirt tails of eFame ever since, never letting go for anything.

The Site Itself

Oh dear, where to begin.... When the site first launched it looked like a convoluted mess of hastily thrown together icons and stolen .gifs of copyrighted material. After a year Stuttering Craig decided to change the site design to something that was still eye rape, albeit to a lesser extent. A year later he changed it again, this time to something that, well, let's just say that the Nerd used his feelings toward the site as a guide to his hilarious analogies. It was redesigned to a broken pile of Web 2.0 garbage; the main page didn't communicate with the forums, blog features were added in a vain attempt to one-up facebook, commenting was added to videos so you didn't have to expose your idiocy via YouTube anymore, and the site would crash your browser every 30 seconds. While this may seem like a prime example of IRL trolling we're sorry to say it wasn't - it was just Craig trying to rape another dipshit who was hurting for money and obviously hadn't taken a single computer science elective.

Forums

Rivaling GameFAQs in their stupidity and surpassing That Guy With The Glasses in needless blind loyalty, the forums were your one-stop destination to stand in queue for your turn to suck on Craig's Jew cock. Had something bad to say about a staff member? THREAD LOCKED. Had something to say about the Nerd? THREAD LOCKED AND you got a warning. Heaven forbid you have some constructive criticism or didn't like a video... DELETED and your treacherous ass is banned! While the admins didn't necessarily give a flying fuck, Craig had the brilliant decision to make the Nerd's number-one butt buddy black person one of the mods. This meant that any and all negative posts thrown toward their lord and savior James Rolfe were deleted and the user was banned, whilst Matei jerked off to the AVGN theme song.

When the front page was upgraded things got a bit hectic. The 13 year old boy trolls from GameTrailers started flooding in and Craig, along with the admins, told all the mods to apply liberal use of their trusty ban hammer. This led to a sort of civil war between the forum and blogs and a revolving door of mods, as many either called it quits or just stopped showing up. When the dust settled the forums were put under marshal law and posting halted for a week. Once Craig saw their bandwidth was dropping he told the mods who stuck around to call it quits, returning the forums to their previously gay state. Still, they haven't quite recovered.

The Front Page

With the latest version of the site the ScrewAttack crew decided to add a slew of new and exciting features to the front page, including:

  • User profiles so you can share how many times you've jerked off to Metroid
  • A buddy system so you can gaze at the countless waifus users use as their profile picks
  • Fap to aforementioned waifus
  • Upload your own crappy videos so Craig doesn't have to do any work and still get paid while you don't
  • Post blogs about how no game will ever be as good as Ocarina of Time
  • Post blogs asking what happened to Handsome Tom
  • Post blogs saying how much you hate the forums/site/Craig and get banned
  • Leave comments on videos just to tell whoever runs HardNews that he looks like a faggot
  • Build up SA points to increase your e-penis so others can know about your unwarranted self importance

Needless to say many users saw through the Web 2.0 bullshit and abandoned the long-sinking ship. Those who have stayed behind should jump off a cliff.

List of ScrewAttack Shows Current Statuses

ScrewAttack and Copyright Infringement

The original logo. Nope looks nothing like Metroid's icon. Move along here.

I know what you must be asking yourself: "ScrewAttack? Isn't that a special move in Metroid?" Why, yes it is! In their early years Mr. Skistimas had as much regard to Nintendo copyright infringement as Chris-chan does. Openly calling themselves "Screw (SPACE) Attack" and even having the nerve to steal the Screw Attack symbol as their logo. Fuck, if he names his cash cow The Angry NINTENDO Nerd, what chance did an obscure video game reference have? Unfortunately, when it came to registering said company, Craig learned the hard way that for some unexplained reason, you can't copyright something that's already been copyrighted. Hence, they were to be called ScrewAttack Entertainment LLC.

As for their store you'll notice that they sell AVGN reviews on DVD. All reviews have been edited for copyright issues, so any licensed music or blockbuster movie footage is edited out. Too bad these are still under copyright by dozens of companies. Such companies fall under movies production, video games, comic book, fast food, and beer manufacturers. The other issue here for James is that the AVGN is a character of his, so he's not using these properties under fair use as far as being a reviewer goes. Said videos would have to just feature the AVGN talking to the camera without any other footage, logos, or music used.

Contributors

For every shitty gaming journalism site they need a team of untalented hacks to help make the site profitable. Too bad ScrewAttack is more of a pyramid scheme for workmanship. Everyone works underneath Stuttering Craig who consist of regular contributors to his easily replaceable interns. The only person that is allowed to see Craig eye to eye is AVGN since he's the driving force behind his weekly paycheck. Might as well work double time copy/pasting those articles from IGN. At the end of the day as long as Craig is in a good mood you'll keep your job. Otherwise he'll make you fuck off to That Guy With The Glasses and take orders from an angry Mexican about making the same content.

Stuttering Craig

Stuttering Craig

Craig Skistimas, the weasel himself. Craig started out in life wanting to be a basketball player, but since he's white and Polish... He had to settle for the next best thing, Slamball. As Craig figured out that playing in a basketball league that even Spike TV would cover, he decided to open ScrewAttack with his "friend", Handsome Tom.

Little did Tom know that his childhood buddy would become the little Nazi weasel we know and love today. Craig waited until Tom was off on a vacation with his fiancee, Perfect Liz, to go and sneak behind and register the business. Craig later put out a bullshit statement on ScrewAttack that he felt Tom wasn't going to do any of the work associated with running a busines. Even though, Tom was the brains behind the business.

Craig isn't liked around the video game community nor in the Dallas area where he lives after his plans were told to Tom's dad, who had major influence in the Dallas area. Which is why Craig has to constantly pull workers outside of his own home area. Mainly, the ones who know nothing about him.

The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Angry Video Game Turd
James goes insane on somebody giving criticism for his shitty-movie idea (butthurt).

Make no argument about it, The Angry Video Game Nerd (aka James Rolfe) is the umbilical cord of ScrewAttack, the cash-cow, the golden goose, call it what you will. As soon as anything happens to this man ScrewAttack will shrivel up and die like the cancerous lump that they are.

James is a nerdraged, fecalphiliac Aspie who creates Gametrailers.com videos where he "reviews" bad video games and, extending to his Youtube account and SpikeTV, films. Instead of actually reviewing the games like a professional slapstick author, he just yells infantile curses at his television screen. 13-year-old boys, the viewer, find this hilarious. Most of them roughly consist of off-key utterances from some shit-eating whacked out autistic chug.

At the end of a review, he repeatedly talks about topics surrounding shit, such as how he longs for the game to be over so he could milk a bull's asshole (or his own) inside out, take a shit on a game, or simply talk about shit itself. Because really, nothing is funnier than doing the same joke over and over again.

He also takes a swig of a beer bottle every three seconds in his videos to prove to people that he's a man, when really he's only trying to wash out the taste of cum from his mouth.

Angry Nintendo Nerd has officially changed his named to "Angry Video Game Nerd" so he wouldn't get sued by Nintendo for making shitty shirts with his catchphrases on them, thereby associating "Nintendo" with this schizoid phenomenon. It should be noted that regardless of this legal genius, he still has an IQ dwarfed by that of the average 4chan user's left testicle. Anyone who acts like a person with Tourrette's for views on Youtube is unfunny. Any of his off the cuff videos show just how little screen presence he truly possesses. He has a fat wife and loves all those old terrible monster movies that you don't give a fuck about. He also puts on this weird air of reverence for a lot of stupid old shit that he didn't really like as a child.

James Rolfe is the driving force behind ScrewAttack. Their site cannot survive without his contributions due to the amount of traffic, DVD sales, and ad revenue they receive. Without James their site could in fact crumble into it's own mediocrity. As of late 2010 James has slowed down the amount of AVGN videos he releases to once a month. It is evident in these videos that James is in fact tired of this entire routine and wants to quit, but can't due to the enormous fan base he's acquired from ScrewAttack. However as a last minute act of desperation he wants to make a movie similar to Kickassia.

Keith Apicary

Keith Apicary

Played by Nathan Barnatt, Keith Apicary is an aspie nerd who loves video games. He also takes a page from Sacha Baron Cohen by trying to get kicked out of public events playing his character for the lulz. Nathan thought he was being funny and original by making fun of people with autism, Ha Ha, Sorry Nathan, We did it before you!!!

Unaware Steve

Unaware Steve (AKA Brad Skistimas) is a tremendous shitbag who thinks he's a musician and has never played any video games since the early 90's. So why not force this guy to give us modern gaming news? He use to have a show where he talked about games from his childhood, but AVGN already fit the bill and fans told him to fuck off. This guy still exists on the site because he actually is the brother of Stuttering Craig.

Fallen Comrades from Stuttering Craig's Egotistical Wrath

See Also

  • That Guy With The Glasses - Arch nemesis of ScrewAttack & where the rejected contributors of ScrewAttack end up.
  • Irate Gamer - The man that sparked the AVGN clone phase.
  • Video Game Reviewers - More of the same style of shit.
  • Internet DVD – The hottest seller from the ScrewAttack store.
  • Yahtzee - AVGN is to ScrewAttack as Yahtzee is to The Escapist.
  • Alexander4488 - Huge AVGN fanboy, biggest AVGN ripoff, shitty contributor, sheep fucker, retarded douchebag, and a fuck ton of other reasons why he's the biggest disgrace.
  • MovieBob - Left them and then came crawling back six years later when TheEscapist fired his ass.

External Links

Still affliated with ScrewAttack

Everyone else who got common sense

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ScrewAttack is part of the TGWTG Circle-jerk

Circlejerk: That Guy With The GlassesDoug WalkerJewWarioLinkaraThe Spoony ExperimentScrewAttack/Former TalentAngry JoeTodd in the ShadowsNostalgia ChickJesuotakuAnime News Network
Enemies: AsalieriScrewAttack
Featured article April 21 and 22, 2013
Preceded by
Boston Marathon Bombing
ScrewAttack Succeeded by
Emo