Sea Kittens are, as their name suggests, the kittens of the sea. They were discovered in 2008 by fearless scientists studying dangerous levels of snugglability under high-tension conditions at the University of Wufflesworth. It is believed that the case may have to be referred to CERN before these previously unencountered levels of wuffykin can be properly analyzed; in the meantime, theoretical analysts agree that Sea Kittens are likely to be the cutest, the OOTEST WOOTEST little things ever discovered.
So what ARE "Sea Kittens?"
They're fucking fish.
Wha- Hah- Who Is Responsible?
So, wait...what the fuck?
Simply put, PETA is running a campaign to discourage fishing, the mistreatment of fish, the eating of fish, sexual/mental/verbal abuse of fish, etc, complete with online petitions, insane propaganda, and a gross misunderstanding of the topic at hand. Nothing new there.
However, what's so confusingly hilarious about this particular campaign is PETA's determined refusal to call the fish "fish", and insistence on instead referring to them as "Sea Kittens." To quote:
To further the WTF-ness of the situation, the campaign is centered around a cartoony website that appears to be directed at children and/or developmentally challenged adults. The site contains flash games, lots of colorful animations, a store to buy Sea Kitten merchandise, and copious amounts of cute, condescending dialogue, making it look more like something you'd expect from a Powerpuff Girls fansite, rather than a webpage for an anti-fishing campaign. But you really have to see the site for yourself. Words can only go so far.
And PETA continues to spit in the face of zoological science by also making up their own characteristics and taxonomy of Sea Kittens, seemingly oblivious to the fact that "Sea Kittens" and house cats are not even closely related in any way, other than both being vertebrates, or that
fishing kittening actually helps keep Sea Kitten populations in balance. Although, Sea Kittens apparently don't mind being dressed up in goofy outfits and made to wear lipstick - just so long as that lipstick wasn't tested on animals, that is.
Presently, it is unclear whether PETA are attempting to irreparably damage the minds of children around the world or are simply trying to wrest the crown of "Most Insane Organization on Earth" from the Church of Scientology - probably both.
Actual PETA Quotes
The Darker Side Of Sea Kittens
Of course, this wouldn't be a PETA project if, having gotten onto a roll, they didn't fail disastrously to see the crash barrier coming, smash straight through and plunge, burning, into the ravine. Once the Sea Kitten fancier is hooked (so to speak), they are abruptly ripped from their colorful life of sunshine, lollipops and simplistic Flash games and plunged headlong into one woman's terrifying and surreal imaginary world.
To date, there have been four Sea Kitten bedtime stories published on the website. Excerpts are reproduced here, but we really, really encourage you to go and look for yourselves - they're like extremely colorful Nick Cave songs. Besides, perhaps if they get enough hits we'll get more. The world desperately needs to know what the crew of the good shit PETA think about aquariums and goldfish.
The Internet Reacts
—azn person. Obviously.
Typical Fishing Trip
How Can I Help?
- According to this press release, PETA's Ashley Byrne is touring the country, giving talks to schools that serve Sea Kittens in the cafeteria. The number to call if you want to invite her to your neck of the woods is 757-622-7382.
- Add Sea Kittens to your friends list on Facebook! Let them know that they're simply adorable, and not in the slightest bit misjudged and creepy.
- Make your own Sea Kitten at the website.
- Find as many places where the plight of these beautiful creatures will not be trivialized or WTF'd at (such as your college friends or internet forums) and make sure to spread the word.
- "Ask the U.S.
FishSea Kitten and Wildlife Services to Stop Promoting the Hunting of Sea Kittens." And use THOSE EXACT WORDS. It says to on the website.
- Ask them if they have any recipes for Ikizukuri.
- Save The Sea Kittens Website (PETA)
- Sea Kitten generator - Notice that you can actually give the Sea Kitten a dish of water and floaties really?
- Sea Kittens Facebook
- Ask the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to Stop Promoting the Hunting of Sea Kittens. Be sure to mention Sea Kittens specifically, or they won't know what you mean.
- Get your free Sea Kitten web banners, avatars, and desktop wallpapers.
- Stephen Colbert discusses sea kittens during one of his segments on January 15th, 2009
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Why So Serious?