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Seattle

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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What Seattle looks like.
What we wish Seattle looked like.

Livejournal was started in Seattle while Brad Fitzpatrick attended the UW. Because of this Seattle has a disproportionately large representation among the users, employees and founding members. Lots of drama starts in Seattle and gets a lot of attention by being close to the comitatus IRL.

Seattle is famous for Grey's Anatomy, rain, hippies, emos, azns, suicide rate, grunge, and for its love of coffee.

Seattleites

Seattle people are fucking weird. The women are pale, snotty, mousy-faced cunts with unshaven pits, pink/blue hair, and shitty personalities. The Seattle male is still an unsolved mystery as often times the biggest faggots walking around are not the homosexuals. Women dress in baggy clothes and sweatpants whereas the men wear skinny jeans three sizes too small effectively preventing circulation to their testicles. Alternatively they wear fucking kilts.

It's impressive how well the average Seattleite manages to avoid showers, eye contact, conversation, homeless people, and reality.

Seattle's Addictions

Coffee is to Seattle as G-strings are to strippers. Many very famous coffee retail chains are located in Seattle:

  • Starbucks (a.k.a. Charbucks, Starschmucks, Whorebucks, Chuckbucks, PornoMermaid)
  • Seattle's Best Coffee (formerly an independent company called Stewart Brothers Coffee, once bought by Charbucks it took on its present name, a.k.a. SBC, which is made by two brothers named Stewart shitting into water)
  • Tully's (Archrivals of Starbucks--this feud started the Great Seattle Coffeebean Wars).
  • Torrefazione (also bought by Charbucks)
This is what locals call "the pit", where coffee junkies satisfy their darkest, French-roasted desires.

The odd thing is that nobody in Seattle drinks the coffee from these places if they can help it. As soon as someone moves to Seattle the first thing they do is become a coffee snob and randomly select an independent espresso cart as their favorite. Everyone has huge arguments about whose coffee is superior. Also, 90% of people in Seattle have professional grade espresso machines in their house and they spend all their Saturdays going to find the perfect coffee bean perfectly roasted and setting their grinders to select the perfect grind so that it will produce the perfect flavor of whatever drink they're making at home (french press, espresso, drip coffee, semen, etc.)

If you took the sum of all the gallons of coffee drunk in the civilized parts of the world on a yearly basis, then the sum of all gallons of coffee drunk in the non-civilized parts of the world on a yearly basis, and multiplied them, you would get half of the gallons drunk in Seattle on an hourly basis.

BLACK TAR HEROIN

One of Seattle's best kept secrets can be found 24 hours a day at First Avenue and Pike Street. Just approach any illegal alien and say "LeNegra" and you will be led to the drug king pin. No works? Not a problem, as a convenience to the customers a FREE needle exchange is located right around the corner at Second Avenue and Pike Street. You will be able to pick up what ever you need: syringes, elastic arm bands, cookers and even cotton balls! CAUTION: Watch out for the "Jump Out Van," which is a dark colored windowless police van that shows up out of nowhere to suck up unsuspecting drug addicts like a super sized Hoover vacuum cleaner. GOOD LUCK!

It should be noted that these "Jump Out Vans" will only abduct drug users who are doing their damnedest to not get caught. The nigger in front of the CVS on 4th Avenue with his hands in the I POSSESS DRUGS WITH INTENT TO SELL position is apparently totally fucking un-arrestable. By this logic, your best bet for not getting caught is to walk around with the needle dangling out of your arm.

Other Useless Information About Seattle

Seattle is the pretend home of TV-shows Frasier and Grey's Anatomy. Everyone in Seattle hates both of these shows, as there is not enough gay butt sex in either of them. It does not accurately depict Seattle. It also pisses all Seattleites off that McDreamy gets all snooty about calling ferries "ferry boats" when everyone in Seattle actually calls them ferries.

Seattle has an all-female roller derby league called the Rat City Rollergirls. If seeing fat girls in spandex skate slowly around a flat track in an abandoned air force hangar is fun for you then enjoy.

LNN has its headquarters there and because of this often reports Seattle news events in the most detail and with more frequency.

Seattle also has the Space Needle, which is modeled after Bill Gates' cybernetic peen.

Seattle is a large metropolitan area, but the actual city is much smaller than most realize. Its surrounded by lame, white trash suburbs (West Seattle, White Center, Tukwila, South Park, North Sea-Tac, Edmonds, Lynnwood, Renton, and Rainier Valley). Although there are some really decent suburbs in the outskirts of Seattle like Burien, Normandy Park, Kent, Des Moines, Mercer Island, Federal Way, Auburn, Puyallup(?), Bellevue, Kirkland, etc. Basically, the farther you are from the city, the better.

Seattle is the birthplace of emo and grunge, which are just lame versions of metal. Seattle might also be the birthplace of indie, but emos dispute this because they think Seattle is too faggy to come up with less shit music.

Seattle is known for giving a shit about the environment. For example, in order to preserve the region's ancient forests and natural resources, 69% of Seattle's electrical energy is produced by a giant dynamo downtown that runs on homeless people and pubes.

Seattleites are too busy with the butt sex to do anything about the fact that they live on sand in a fault zone. When the earthquake hits, all of downtown will fall like 9/11, and the Alaskan Way Viaduct will be the only thing left standing The only thing left underground will be some tunnel. The only way that this will not happen is if all the volcanoes around the city go off first, drowning the city in sauce.

Seattle is also the home of the annoying Vern Fonk TV Commercials. Fonk you, Mr. Fonk.


HONK FOR FONK!!!!!!1111!!!1oneoneone!!!eleven1!!

Lj-favicon.png seattlegate '06

On 7/15/06, Evan, a former resident of Seattle and all around douchebag who lurked as maintainer of Lj-favicon.png seattle for at least 100 years staged a pointless coup and fired the very popular mods of Seattle (ninaf, prince, and jameth) which resulted in a full scale troll invasion of Seattle. A scant few hours later, Evan recanted, de-modded himself and his cronies, and reinstated Ninaf and Prince, but not Jameth, thus providing the shortest Lj-favicon.png seattle dramafest lulz of all time. Evan was last seen having anal sex with Brad.

RFJason Seattle Craigslist Pwning

In August 2006, RFJason created the RFJason CL Experiment, and laid waste to all of the Seattle Craigslist.

List of Famous People from Seattle

Jameth is here

Freedom

In Seattle, store plastic bags are illegal and so is talking about politics from the center-right POV. Goddamnya Liberals! See snob, WASP and rich people for MOAR INFO.

Seattle is part of a series on

Independent Culture

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Ideas Sites Music Movies and TV Shows Places People Misc

Art SchoolAustinSan FranciscoSeattlePortlandStarbucks


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