It could be said that very few trolls, /b/tards, EDiots and Final Fantards have not heard of the infamous Sephirothslave(Powerword: Julia Anne Szczutkowski), the unstable Sephiroth fangirl whose numerous outlandish claims began in a simple Blurty around 2003, when she was around 15 or 16. Slowly writhing from the depths of the internet as Cthulhu rose from R'lyeh, her notoriety exploded once the chans got their hands on the journal entries in which, inbetween lame poetry and moans about her life, she claimed to speak with the villain of FFVII, Sephiroth, on the astral plane - ultimately announcing that she was his one and only bitch. Though many people had seen more than their fair share of crazy fangirls screaming that they owned this or that bishie, Sephirothslave's unique brand of medicated crazy crossed with her unusual and hilarious claims of being the
sex slave lover to a video game character and speaking with him using some meatphysickal magicks earned her the negative attention which she later seemed to have become addicted to.
Sephirothslave herself - whose real name is Julia - rivals other famous lolcows such as Littlecloud or Snapesnogger in her instability and excessive hypocrisy. She is a walking mass of complexes, a vindictive bitch known to hate her father, "preps" and "jocks", women in general, and even goes on to say that most men are incapable of intellectually keeping up with her and therefore are worthless. She was particularly unstable in her youth, and like all good goth girls, she often cut herself or outright tried to off herself, and in general had a self-loathing complex crossed with a severe case of unwarranted self-importance, which still rears its ugly head very subtly in her most recent entries on DA and Blurty. She says she is a writer as well as a fan of FFVII and yet refuses to respect canon when it doesn't match her personal interpretation of events or characters, thereby pissing all over the work of the creators she claims to admire. She is especially fickle about her future and can't seem to decide on a career path or hobby, dabbling - and failing - in everything from martial arts to jewelry making to modeling. She is also a Catholic Christian, yet dabbles - or in her words, is very proficient - in what is easily considered heretical witchcraft.
- 1 Sephirothslave: A New LolCow(2003-2004)
- 2 The Sephirothslave Strikes Back (2007-2009)
- 3 Return of the Sephirothslave (2009 - now)
- 4 Sephirothslave: An Epic History of Fail
- 5 Mystick Sephiroth Rune Pendant
- 6 Quotes from Family and Friends
- 7 The Legacy of Sephirothslave
- 8 Extra
- 9 External Links
Sephirothslave: A New LolCow(2003-2004)goth whore opens up an online journal on Blurty (A livejournal rip-off even worse than the original), expecting that no one but some friends and relatives are ever going to read it. The first few entries typical whiny I-hate-my-life bullshit, mentions of experimenting in Wicca and magick (a goth-wannabe must), and some bad poetry. Noticeable throughout the entries, though, is an overwhelming obsession over the main villain of FFVII, Sephiroth. Okay, so she's another obsessive weeaboo otaku fangirl drooling over another bishie. Nothing we all haven't seen a million times before, right?
But then a bomb is dropped. So what happens when 16-year-old goth otaku stop taking their meds? Apparently, they have hallucinations and dreams involving fictional video game characters coming to ravish them on the Astral Plane and parting unto them all otherwordly and sacred knowledge. This was the plight of Sephirothslave, who began insisting that she was the wife of the video game character, Sephiroth (at the age of...12?). According to her, Sephiroth was never a villain at all - he was a completely innocent victim, and it was Hojo and Jenova's fault the entire time that Sephiroth went on those murderous rampages and tried to destroy the world. After Sephiroth was "brutally murdered" by the spiky-haired antihero of FFVII (whom to this day she routinely pokes fun at by calling him "Clod", so clever), he was appointed into God's hierarchy of angels where he now resides as keeper of... some library of knowledge from some new-age religion with a weird name.
She went on to explain that seeing as it's now impossible for him to be reborn, being an angel and all, he regularly visits her on the Astral Plane, where they do the Astral Nasty and...talk. To her surprise, being vocal about these experiences gained her some fame and notoriety amongst the usual forums, chans, and fandom who she thought her public journal was safe from, and even caused dissent amongst her friends and family. She soon found that her journal was not, in fact, safe from the world and shortly after she began making her claims she was viciously bitch-slapped for her stupidity by half the internet. At the same time, the blogdrive of another Sephiroth-obssesed fangirl claiming to be his wife, a one Summoner Yuna aka Mrs. Sephiroth was discovered, so that both Sephirothslave's and Summoner Yuna's journals were being passed around the internet like passed-out co-eds at a frat party, leading to some confusion on their identities and one usually being mistaken for the other, and both of them being mocked. Suffering severe butthurt, she tucked tail and baleeted EVERYTHING, moving herself to DA, where she spent the next few years occasionally posting some shitty pictures and poetry, beginning a period of inactivity. By that time, however, she seemed to have become intensely addicted to all the negative attention she was getting, and kept the moniker Sephirothslave - causing her DA to be constantly trolled. During this time period, Sephirothslave had a habit of referring to Sephiroth as "Lord Sephiroth," but anyone with more than two braincells knows he's only Lord of Her Clam.
After a long time of inactivity, she had some sort of epiphany and suddenly realized she hadn't been banging Sephiroth the whole time, but an archangel that inexplicably looks like him and shares his name. So in order to set her image straight and continue moar attention whoring, she decided that it was time to explain this new revelation to the internets and thus reopened her Blurty.
—Sephirothslave, who was as of this Blurty entry only 16. Sephiroth apparently likes teh loli.
We actually thought Sephiroth was two-timing Summoner_Yuna and Sephirothslave, but it seems like Julia herself is no stranger to cock sampling. Sephirothslave’s younger sister Laurel and her friend Bennett mention something very interesting in their journals about our favorite hypocritical goth quack: SHE IS A CHEATING WHORE. When she was 16 years old and supposedly dating her one true love Sephiroth, Julia developed feelings for a 23 year old guy she met at Otakon 2004 named Vince (who, ironically, that year was dressed as Kuja, that other effeminate white-haired Final Fantasy villain). Her own journal entry, found in her old Blurty, details how she basically spent three days alternating between stalking him and hunting him down in the crowd. Even though both were supposedly involved at the time, Julia with her astral beau and Vince with his real girlfriend, that didn’t stop them from hooking up (lol so she cheated on Sephiroth with Kuja). Of course, the guy, probably sensing the innate madness lurking beneath the jailbait goth loli facade, was only stringing her along and got rid of her ASAP. Julia crumbled down when her crush was unrequited and ran back into the astral arms of her “archangel husband” who presumably forgave her for being such a shameless whore and allowed her to take back her usual place at his feet.
In typical fashion, Sephirothslave would later bitch about her husband’s jealousy and the fact that he does not trust her, all the while pretending to be the very image of faithfulness. We can only hope that one day, her astral dildo will have enough of her hypocrisy and astral-punch her stupid face in.
The yawn-inducing, but informative entry on Julia’s whoredom can be found here. To this, Sephirothslave has reacted with a pleasing degree of butthurt and, among insults thrown at "random rejected boy A" (aka. her former friend Bennett, who was misguided and unlucky enough to meet the biggest deluded cocktease on Earth) she has ranted on and on about how Vincent is gay, as if a woman couldn't possibly be attracted to a homosexual man. Moreso, it is possible that she has let it slip that Vincent is actually bisexual, according to this little bit. EDIT - Confirmed! Vince, whose DA profile can be viewed here, has a fiancee by the name of Sherry.
Lastly, one can only wonder why Slave is so offended at the thought of strangers questioning her fidelity when her own fictional husband does that every time she gets close to a sparring partner and thinks she needs to be warned not to flash her tits to her photographer. Sephiroth supposedly knows her best, so if he treats her like a slut ready to leave him at the drop of a hat, who are we to disagree?
The Sephirothslave Strikes Back (2007-2009)
— Wait. Hasn't she been saying this whole time that Sephiroth is actually innocent and never intentionally killed anyone and it was Jenova and Hojo's fault all along????
On Sunday, October 21st, 2007, after writing in her DA journal and "polling practically all of [her] friends" (see: nobody), Sephirothslave decided again to present herself as trollbait and reopen her Blurty. Her old crazy posts were still deleted, but her new ones explain her beliefs, how she "met" Sephiroth, what he is, and everything else she needs to present to a psychiatric clinic to prove she is certifiably insane.
Among her various claims so far are:
- Her psychatrist told her she was using "astral projection" when she described what are probably a bunch of fantasy-fueled lucid dreams
- Sephiroth - or anyone from FFVII for that matter - is not real (wait, what?) but the person she visits on the Astral Plane is Sephiroth, an archangel of heaven (FYI, according to Kabbalistic ranks of angels, that's one step above peon).
- When she was younger, she fell in love with the character but since she knew she could never be with him she began cutting herself and "overdosing on various over-the-counter-painkillers" (lol Advil) but the cheap knockoff of Sephiroth that was a figment of her imagination apparently saved her life
- She is not like the other fangirls (hmm, where have we heard that one before?)
imaginary loverarchangel may have inspired the creation of the character Sephiroth by appearing to Nomura in a dream (as mentioned in the tl;dr post above). Her claims are backed up by a supposed interview with Nomura, which conveniently cannot be found on teh world wide intarwebs. Whether or not the interview happened does not make the "theory" any less crackpot, especially considering she might start claiming that the character was created just to guide her to the archangel because you know shes so fucking special. Oh wait, she did start claiming that.
- Apparently "a troll with some amount of hacking experience" implanted a virus into her old computer that wiped out the hard drive. Except not. She probably got the virus downloading yaoi Sephiroth doujinshi or the ripped version of Advent Children.
She also admitted she vanity stalks her own ED page to check for updates, as did her buddy M-chan. Which is ironic considering that ED supposedly stalks her pages every minute of every hour because we have no life.
It's no wonder that Sephirothslave's stupidity reached the far corners of the internet, including DeviantArt. Thanks to DeviantART's retarded new forum search, an old forum thread from 2005 that (according to this YTMND screenshot) quotes a 2004 Blurty post by Sephirothslave has been unearthed. The blog entry described is quoted in full in the post. The comments from the various DevianTARTs are amusing in the very least.
However, the main Julia-related lulz on DA arise from the fact that Sephirothslave herself keeps a journal on DeviantART in which she has written some very... interesting things:
One of the artists Sephirothslave watches (and who in turn watches her) is Seraphim-Sephiroth. Seraphim-Sephiroth posted a rant on a fangirl that was bugging her, to which Sephirothslave replied: "Ignorant fangirls...*shudders* I would say to just shoot them, but that would be a waste of ammunition. And the worst part is that they seem to be a growing breed. What with Advent Children coming out...it's only going to get worse. >.<
Anyway, I'm so sorry that she was so rude to you. People who can't have civil conversations are just stupid. Especially when they're clearly wrong. No one likes to admit when they're wrong...but facts are facts. Even she should see that. Okay...I think I'm done.
Good luck with the overwhelming stupidity in the future. ^.^" (Someone needs to go back and look at all their posts and e-mails. Everywhere. Ever.)
Ironically, that rant was a psuedo-sequel to an earlier rant by Seraphim-Sephiroth which describes Sephirothslave practically to a T. While Seraphim-Sephiroth later stated that she was aware of Sephirothslave's insanity, Sephirothslave was still completely ignorant of the irony in her response.
At one point, Sephirothslave had joined the now-defunct AdventChildren.net Forums, which were managed by Summoner Yuna, the other crazy Sephiroth fangirl that so many people had trouble telling apart from Sephirothslave and vice versa, much to Julia's chagrin. Her posting was minimal but the threads were full of lulzy topics and lulzy responses. Sadly, not too much screencapping was done before ACF kicked the bucket due to Summoner Yuna's negligence. She admitted knowing about Summoner Yuna - but according to her she refused to discuss why she is really truly Sephiroth's one and only, saying: " seeing as how I am in Summoner Yuna's realm and have mentally refrained from discussing the aforementioned topic. I do not wish to make enemies here. If you wish me to explain myself, my claims and the facts supporting it, please PM me." (Hear that folks? She has FACTS to support her claims that she's the girlfriend/lover/gimp of a fictional video game villain!!! One can only imagine what they are.) One of SY's lackeys commented on her profile, calling her out on the ridiculousness that she thinks she is Sephiroth's soulmate by pointing out he's obviously already married to Summoner Yuna. Because defending one fucktarded fangirl's delusions against another's is a very worthwhile and logical cause.
Her introduction thread was probably the lulziest so far, right next to her post of some lulzy over-analysis essay explaining "Why Kingdom Hearts Proves Sephiroth isn't A Bady Guy and Cloud is an Evil Bastard" through ridiculously biased bullshit arguments in which she rapes a thesaurus and the syntax of the English language in every sentence. Said essay can be found on Julia's website here. She also posted a response in a thread about why the death of Aerith was so emotional, proclaiming that she hates Aerith and she laughed during the death scene. To her, laughing over the death of a fictional character proves that she is totally HARDKORE AND GAWTHIK.
She also stated that Yuffie and Cait Sith are two of the best and most useful characters while Aerith is completely useless, which just goes to show she'll go to great lengths of stupidity to be non-conformist in any situation.
Re: Mrs. Sephiroth
Sephirothslave claimed she "joined the forums at ACF not just to get involved in the community there, but [she] wanted to study Summoner Yuna and see what the story with her was," as if her actions weren't pretty obvious in the first place. Like most people, she doesn't think too highly of Summoner Yuna. She's attempted to contact SY but never got a reply, and supposedly read through her posts on ACF to see "what the story with her was." Most of this reeks of failed trolling attempts, but we all know Summoner Yuna is pretty much immune to trolls because she wields the almighty Banhammer of Thor on ACF and wears impenetrable armor forged from the dignity of her followers.
—On Summoner Yuna
—When asked if she'd ever talked to SY
The creator of the site wondershock is no doubt a glutton for punishment. Fond of 4chan, Portal of Evil, and a variant of Google Seppuku, it's no wonder they have the stomach (much less interest) to venture into the world of Otakukin and research their behavior. The rotten fruits of their labor emerge on their Enchanted Subcultures page, and with it, a strangely familiar excerpt about a girl identified only as "Amanda."
It would not be a stretch to say that Amanda, a young, talented model with flowing golden hair, could attract any gentleman whose attention she might want. But alas, young men; her heart already belongs to someone, and she will spurn all advances. Amanda will tell you that she’s not simply attached, but married as well. Do not expect, however, to find her husband hovering around her photo shoots, or sitting quietly with her. Amanda is rarely afraid to discuss her unconventional relationship around sympathetic ears. She acknowledges that she is missing out on many of the things that normal couples do together, but feels that the strength of her love makes up for this. “I am aware that I’ll never have the physical bond that conventional couples have. I’m aware that I may be alone in the physical world, but I’ll always have Sephiroth,” she says.
The rest of this touching story can be found here. The author claims to have had a private interview with "Amanda," though the entire article seems to contradict Sephirothslave's recent claims, raising questions of the validity of the interview or Sephirothslave's archangel babble. Instead, everything seems to have been taken from her old Blurty entries she first became "infamous" for. It also identifies her as a soul bonder. The article is written like the kind of letters smitten psychopathic stalkers will write but never have the balls to send. They even go on to admit that they "really liked 'Amanda'" and "found her story quite touching."
Has Sephirothslave acquired an admirer? Is the author making a pathetic effort to stroke her ego in hopes of getting tail? It's hard to say, but at the very least the page is full of soulbonding and Otakukin related lulz.
On her Astral
Dildo Edward Cullen Boytoy Husband
On a closer look, Sephirothslave’s apparently wonderful relationship with her astral husband proves to have disturbing undertones. Julia often bitches about his jealousy and possessiveness, two human flaws which hide
a small penis an insecure character. He also has the habit of making fun of humans up from his fluffy cloud of shit, laughing at their limitations in order to make up for his two inches of astral cock. As if that isn’t enough to get him on top of the list of epic fail, he makes decisions for Julia because she’s too dumb to make them on her own. Like any good woman with a splendid future career in the astral kitchen making astral sandwiches, Julia takes Sephiroth’s words as law and is probably savagely beaten put in her place whenever she dares to step out of line.
Despite trying really hard (and failing) to pass off as an intelligent woman, Sephirothslave loves to stress out just how incredibly stupid she is compared to her boytoy. Not like we needed extra proof, but the gesture is nice.
All lulz aside, one of the creepiest aspects of their epic romance is the imbalance of power between the two. Sephiroth purposefully withholds information from her while she cannot hide anything because he stalks her every second of her life and then he gets all pissy when the stupid woman dares to ask where the fuck he’s been on a Saturday night. On top of that, Julia literally cannot live without her silver haired pimp daddy, falling into depression and having sadistic flashes if she goes on for too long without him and always ends up crawling back to suck on his erect penis, no matter who was right in the argument. She may be the most pathetic bitch alive who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “cannot live without a man.” It’s safe to say that if the astral Edward Cullen ever decides to leave her sorry ass and prey on an even more unstable, insecure and self-loathing girl, Sephirothslave is screwed.
Return of the Sephirothslave (2009 - now)Photobucket. Like a washed up blue ribbon Lol-cow, she began rolling on her back, presenting her udders to us as she moos and whines and flails and tries to convince us she can still be milked for delicious lulz.
Her "Breakthrough", or more correctly She Finally Snapped
In the last entry in her Blurty in December of 2009, the mighty Mistress Julia, Sovereign Goddess of the Astral Plane, revealed a significant event that occurred to cause her powers to increase. Apparently, some Wiccan lady who claims to be able to channel angels contacted Julia and said that Sephiroth told the psychic Wiccan lady to
tell Julia she is a stupid fucking whore contact her. The fact that Julia quoted Sephiroth herself in saying "that the effort it would take for a mortal to channel someone with his level of spiritual advancement could have lasting, long-term ill effects on both [...] body and mind..." already raises glaring contradictions that Julia most assuredly will address. Julia continues to say that the woman showed her how to open up clairvoyant abilities so she can communicate with Sephiroth on a daily basis. According to Julia, it worked, and she is not only able to HEAR VOICES IN HER HEAD speak with him, but feel his touch as he cops a feel of her pock-marked A-cups.She seems to have finally gone off the deep end, and has not been often heard from since, most likely because she is too busy getting pounded on the physical plane by her invisible boyfriend.
More voices join the party
In a 2012 development which would alarm sane people, Slave claims that the number of voices she hears in her head has increased by three. She now hears her so-called guides, and despite her attempts at subtlety, it's clear that they are poorly disguised Final Fantasy VII characters: Tseng is her Teacher Guide, Reno is her "friend" and her Motherly Guide is ironically, Lucrecia Crescent, whose family name she uses on Facebook. The fact that Lucrecia was an ambitious and frustrated scientist who abandoned her ethics in favor of hoping to obtain professional success and recognition, who experimented on her own child, knowing the fetus could have died or been born deformed, and was a mother only in name has naturally escaped Slave's notice, adding to the long list of ironies that is her life.
The voices also indicate that her delusions are becoming increasingly elaborate, although if anyone would feel indulgent enough to take her seriously, one should wonder why she needs four spirit guides to barely make it through life, when most of us are doing just fine on our own. Perhaps she is spiritually-challenged.
On 11/07/2011, after another lengthy unexplained absence from The Interwebs, Sephirothslave's supposed astral sex buddy stopped screwing her for long enough to allow her to open an account on Tumblr, where she practically begged ED to rape her in the ass. After a grand total of two days and a few hilarious and hypocritical posts and reblogs, Sephirothslave realized that nobody cares about her babble and dropped the project like a hot potato, further proving that she has deep seated attention whoring instincts.
Like every other website that allowed Julia to lay her grubby hands on the HTML coding, she chose an incredibly hideous layout and template for her tumblr, making her idiotic posting nigh unreadable. A mere handful of her posts are actually her original input or material; the rest is pick-me-up nonsense reblogged from boring self-help tumblrs. Despite the fact that she is making an attempt to speak with others and discuss her views on various subjects, she picked one of the worst sites possible for such a task in traditional Sephirothslave fashion.
HOW I USE INTERNET? 404, archived.
What's to appreciate however, is the length that she went to in order to confirm ED's opinion about her mind-boggling ignorance and fickleness. Much appreciated, albeit unnecessary.
In a desperate plea for attention, Julia has made "starring on a reality TV series" on of her new goals. It can be surmised she hopes that her great beauty, talent, and wisdom will get her "discovered" if she ends up on TV. And so she joined Reality Wanted, a totally useless website where people vote for each other to be on television and pat each other on the back all the time while spouting obnoxious daily wisdoms. It's almost like the Oscars, except none of these people have actually done anything with their lives except stir up DRAMA, which they hope to broadcast to the world.
Julia's main goal is to star in Big Brother with the rest of her family. Whether or not her family actually would consent to taking time out of their lives to star in a crap reality TV show is unknown. Her other main goals seem to be a chance to show off her collection of cheap replica weaponry. Upon reviewing her collection, one may notice that absolutely nothing she owns is actually worth more than a hundred bucks, and none of it is real or useable, not even for cutting herself. She seems completely unaware that there are serious career collectors out there, many of which who will have spent thousands of dollars on well-crafted replicas or even historical originals.
A List of the Lulziest Show Applications:
- Casting Call for "Amazing Women"
- SO I HERD U LIEK CATS Sephirothslave seems to be well on her way to being a crazy cat lady.
- Calling All Weapons Collectors! No one cares about your horde of $40 Desu Sword Replicas.
- Do You Need Help? She swears she's doing just fine though!
- Sibling abuse? Family Bullies Wanted! Lol whut?
- TV SHOW CASTING FOR REAL TEENAGE WITCHES! You're 25 years old, loser.
She also has posted four video applications of horrible quality. Two seem to be applications for the show about weapons, in which she demonstrates her masterful inability to manage a camera and wield weaponry in one go. The other two are applications for Big Brother, in which she ironically claims that her appearance on the show would draw viewers and increase ratings, a feat she attributes to her "infamy" on the internet. What she doesn't realize is that NO ONE WATCHES TELEVISION ANYMORE, and if she ever managed to wind up on television, about 5 people would watch it, rip it, and stream it for the rest of the interwebs to bask in any lulz she may have to offer.
Also, FUCKING LOL MANVOICE.
Slave thinks ED is dead, rejoices!lulz of the interwebz. As usual, the only thing that she achieved by making that post was proving her own boundless stupidity and proneness to making a complete and utter fool of herself. Sephirothslave posted the link to this article about the pussification of ED into OhInternet and was apparently too busy fapping to her delusions to notice that the article is ONE FUCKING YEAR OLD and that since then Encyclopedia Dramatica has long evaded every attempt of being turned into anything PG 13 - because fuck them. A few minutes' worth of web search would have enlightened her to the fact that ED merely switched domains and remains alive and well. It is only a matter of time before someone bursts her little bubble - in the meantime, enjoy the epic fail.
04/20/2012 UPDATE: Her state of blissful ignorance continued for two weeks, until somebody was kind enough to give her enthusiasm the mercy-kill it so desperately needed. But before being brought face to face with the truth, she managed to post an entry which broke all the lulz records that she had previously established. After being duly informed that the only grand thing about her is her fuckup, she quickly edited her post, claimed that she was "just one woman" (
as if one would need the aid of the special fucking air forces to do a simple google search well for someone with her intellect, probably yes) and went back to her sad, sad corner of the internet with her tail so deep between her legs that it probably reached her colon. Despite her best efforts, she was too slow in deleting her pompous entry in which she gloated endlessly like a sick fuck over a kitten carcass and a vigilante managed to copy its contents and share them here for posterity.
Light of joy indeed! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY LOLCOW! LIGHT OF LULZ TO YOU ALL!
The missing story
Although she proudly proclaims that she does not remove anything from her Blurty, Sephirothslave seems to have erased one story in which she talks about her supposed past lives. An EDiot remembers reading about it and sent us the details of the story.
I was reading Julia's blurty years ago and I remember that around the time she was doing blog posts answering questions about Sephiroth and her relationship with him, she wrote about an encounter she had with a medium by the name of Cheryl or Sheryl, I forget the original spelling. Slave said that "[she] doesn't go out of [her] way to meet psychics or mediums" but did it anyway for some reason. This lady was very good, according to Julia, as she was able to "pinpoint [Julia's] thyroid condition" (so did my doctor within half an hour of meeting me, but whatever, magiks!) After the group meeting, Cheryl held one-on-one sessions with a few of the participants, and Julia was among them. Cheryl was allegedly able to sense Sephiroth, and here my memory gets a bit faulty - I think she gave Sephiroth's name as "Seth", but it might have been a different psychic Julia wrote about - it's tough keeping up with her convoluted...everything. Anyways, this impressed Julia.
Cheryl told Julia that she and Sephiroth had been together for thousands of past lives and that she decided to reincarnate on Earth in order to learn how to become more independent from him. When Julia pressed Sephiroth for information on whether or not that was true, he reluctantly confirmed - which makes no sense, given that he supposedly inspired the creation of the very character which drove Julia to attempt suicide. Maybe that's why she took this bit out of the journal - because it clashes with the rest of the elaborate kooky fantasy which she has built in her head.
I wrote an e-mail to a friend about this story, and when my friend asked me some questions about it and I returned to the blurty to find the story again, it was gone. After looking through her entire blurty, including the comments, I concluded that she removed it. The internet, however, never forgets. Peace out.
Two fragments from her Blurty seem to confirm this story:
As our EDiot contributor pointed out, it makes no sense for Sephirasshole to send Slave away on Earth to grow a spine and then go and pop up in Nomura's wet dreams. As if poking holes in her batshit crazy logic wasn't easy enough.
Julia is known for being incredibly fickle about her hobbies and interests, and often claims to be AMAZING in each and every one. Over the years she has dipped her grubby hands in art, writing, jewelry making and modeling, the less-than-impressive results of which can be seen on her Deviantart. She also has claimed to have an interest in acting, martial arts, music, marine science (assumedly, she means Marine Biology), and historical reenacments, and of course, astral projection, and doesn't hide the fact she believes herself to be proficient in most, if not all, of these activities or studies.
The sad truth is that she cycles through hobbies and proffesions faster than Pocky is devoured in an animu convention. Art and writing seem to be her longest running hobbies, though all she has managed to write are horrible fanfictions and she draws nothing but crappy looking animu women and some FFVII fanart. Likewise, her forrays into jewelry-making, music (because people in band camp become great musicians), modeling, etc. were not only equally underwhelming, but short-lived. Of course, she claims to have a true gift for Astral Projection, which conveniently cannot be confirmed by anyone.
In recent years (2011-present) she was spotted claiming to be an actress, voice-actress(!) and author (even though she is yet to show a bare minimum of proof of having any of the aforementioned jobs). Considering the fact that she has nothing to present for all the years she supposedly spent searching for work in the entertainment industry, her self-assigned professions are a bunch of shameless lies said in a desperate attempt to paint a prettier picture of her bland and humble CV.
Most notable is her penchant for stereotypically bad fanfiction, mostly on fanfiction.net as highpriestessmegami. Her two most notorious fanfictions, ShinRa High and it's sequel ShinRa SOLDIER, Span over 170 "chapters" combined, which prompts Julia to refer to them as "novels" and cite them as her life's work. Usually focusing around Sephiroth, the fics are self-insert fantasies or just terribly written pieces based on her inaccurate interpretation of Sephiroth's past. Amongst these inaccuracies are that Hojo Did It, Sephiroth Was Jenova's Puppet the Entire Time, and last but not least, Sephiroth is a Dark and Tortured Soul Who Contemplates Suicide and Slits his Wrists and Listens to Linkin Park. Constantly portraying the cast inexcusably OOC, her fics are dull and poorly thought out torture-and-angstfests usually involving abuse of characters she dislikes, and disturbingly enough the ritual torture of Sephiroth himself. She also seems to have some sort of weird bondage-slavery fetish that ties in with her Sephiroth obsession, as well as delusions of grandeur of being some uber mage that can wipe out humanity but instead wants everyone to understand Sephiroth "really wasn't a bad guy. Really." Her original character, and avatar, named "Julia," depicts a mature looking, blonde, full-bosomed woman in black leather bondage-like gothwear. Like most original characters representing the innermost personalities of fangirls, it doesn't resemble her at all, and is generally the main character in her shitty fics. Julia is a major sociopathic and homocidal Jerk!Sue. And, if one squints their eyes and turns the pictures at a 173 degree angle, the crayon-puke squiggles of her original character further reveal that "Julia" is just a shitty clone of Trish from Devil May Cry. Or, "Julia" from Cowboy Bebop.
Not surprisingly, Julia is a poorly thought out Mary Sue character with a vocal distaste for preppy cheerleaders and jocks, the ability to cast high-level spells (by lamely shouting the spell name), fighting abilities, intelligence, and strength on par with Sephiroth, an apathy and lack of conscience towards killing human beings, but some weird fear of her oh-so-abusive father. It doesn't make much sense when she can "kill a human with little conscience" and cast uber spells of PWNAGE but shits her pants and cowers in fear when her father throws things at her and pistol whips her for being a failure at life. Quote Julia in one of her fics, "My biological father drove me gothic." WTF. Most of Sephirothslave's personal problems and issues get projected onto her character, such as a hatred toward "preps" and "jocks", her own self-esteem issues with her physical appearance, a vast hatred for other women, and a fear of her "abusive" father, who reportedly has said things about her mental instability and claims regarding visiting Sephiroth on the Astral Plane; though the physical abuse is likely blown out of proportion, kudos to him if he had the balls to smack the shit out of the dumb goth brat.
Later on in Shinra SOLDIER, Julia displays a disturbing tendency to casually commit genocide and war crimes that would make Kefka Palazzo proud, including decimating entire villages full of men, women, and children, forcing people to eat their own eyeball and torturing someone to death for daring to call Sephiroth a woman. Srsly, we cannot make this shit up. Sephiroth himself commits these atrocities right along with her, even cackling wildly over mounds of dead bodies of the people he has killed. Ironically, Sephirothslave seems to have unknowingly written him with Kefka's personality, which means that Julia should actually be a Mary Sue for Kefka. On top of all this, her stories have suicide and suicide attempts, father-daughter incest, rape, child prostitution, and hint at bestiality. Did we mention she wrote them between the age of 14 and 18?
To add to the Mary Sueness of Julia Nakahamou, she is an animal rights activist - a hypocritical one though, as she is shown not to care about the much-abused specimens in Hojo's lab. For more terrible literature, Sephirothslave also has her own, now abandoned website, The Realm of the Guardian (a Sephiroth fansite, of course), and though it is relatively empty it has three of her horrendous fanfics and one "analysis essay" available for reading.
In February 2012, Sephirothslave has deleted all her
fictional autobiographies stories from her fanfiction.net account, making the internet a much cleaner place. The badfic aficionados must not be saddened though, as the masturbatory fantasies have been preserved in a much more amusing and entertaining form here.
Her Gary Stu
Also noteworthy is that she actually cried over the death of one of her original characters whom she had killed off in one of her fics. The term "original" is used very loosely, as the character is essentially a "blonde haired Zack" (her words) who she created to compensate for the fact she couldn't even manage to get Zack's otherwise simple personality correct. This means that she has succeeded in creating the first ever text recolor. After raping his characterization and turning him into a woman-beating lecherous jock, she created "Korokou" because she needed a happy-go-lucky spikey-haired guy to befriend Sephiroth in Zack's place. His death is even a pathetic and poorly choreographed parody of Zack's death, as Korokou pointlessly sacrifices himself for the Sue and her Suespawn, despite having brought a "small army" of SOLDIERs to help resolve a ridiculous hostage situation brought on by the cataclysmic stupidity of Julia and her boytoy. Instead of doing anything useful or fighting back, he just lets Hojo shoot him in the head. Despite the fact Korkou got practically no backstory or characterization and very few lines in the fics, he apparently had a deep friendship with Sephiroth and Julia by the time of his "tragic" end and everyone (left alive) in the fic mourns his death.
Korokou isn't the only proof that Sephirothslave is completely devoid of creativity. All the other original characters in her stories are actually real people, from her younger sister Laurel to her parents, highschool friends and band teacher. Being the dumb bitch that she is, Julia kept almost all of their first and last names intact when she inserted them into her brainvomit. The following quotes show her attempt at explaining her utter lack of creativity and illustrate the hypocritical attitude present in the reviews she left for infinitely more well written stories:
Another thing on Sephirothslave’s loltastically long list of character flaws is her homophobia. Her fanfictions Shinra High and Shinra SOLDIER stand proof for her narrow-mindedness and blind religious indoctrination when it comes to the topic of homosexuality. Not only does her character and self-insert treat any allusion to her being anything but straight like an offense punishable by extreme physical pain, but she portrays gay characters acting like bitches in heat and unable to socialize like normal human beings. In addition, Sephirothslave is such an intellectual, classy, and civilized individual that she even went so far as to burn a yaoi doujinshi she found offensive (but bought anyway for some reason? AND kept the cover because it had naked Sephiroth on it and that's zomg so hawt). Quite disturbing, considering that the derogatory term "faggot" arose from the fact people used to burn actual homosexual people.
Spork Youhere. Note that this is not for the faint of heart; in addition to the already simply disturbing nature of her fanfiction, the sporkers are digging deep to reveal the truly twisted implications left behind by Julia's psychotic subconscious. Rape, incest, torture and genocide are casually thrown in, mixed together and then glossed over in this astonishingly bad collection of stories. To make the fanfiction bearable, the sporkers create original works of fiction and drawings to help illustrate the insanity. Sephirothslave was displeased by the valiant endeavor and pendulated between admitting that her stories sucked, lying about the age she wrote them at and viciously defending them. The internet naturally had a field day with it and once again called her out on her abysmal knowledge of Final Fantasy VII and her outrageously bad writing skills. In response, Sephirothslave simply continued to churn out more photoshoops of herself and Sephiroth in a sad attempt at pretending she has achieved something in life.
Several other attempts have been made, but the poor devils who tried taking on the mighty badfic dragon reached only as far as chapter 7 before their brains probably turned to mush and leaked out their noses. Also feel free to stop by Julia Nakahamou's facebook page to show your love for Sephirothslave's OC and spread the lulz.
Sephirothslave has the drawing talents of a typical tweeny fangirl. To distract people from her complete lack of artistic skill, she usually accompanies every drawing with a TL;DR mini-fanfic. Some are an amusing read, but no amount of Mary-Sue literature can help her terrible artwork look any better. Of course, when she can't mask the shittiness of her artwork with boring stories, she usually just blames her scanner for ruining the colors or not showing the entirety of her beautiful masterpieces. Many of her images are scanned at a large resolution with tons of extra space and kept that way when put in her gallery for no apparent reason other than she can't properly modify her scanners DPI settings or use the crop tool, possibly because all she has is MS Paint. Not that that doesn't stop her from trying to "clean up" her artwork. Most of her artwork had to be significantly re-sized to even be uploadable on ED, so you should go and see it in its original, eye-gouging glory on her DA gallery.
Results of Whoredom - Her Photoshoops
We thought Summoner Yuna was the only one who disgraced herself by producing titillating photo manipulations, but we were recently proven wrong by Sephirothslave, proving that the minds of crazy Sephiroth fangirls think alike. She claims that she produced these thirty photoshoops "out of boredom," which is either a blatant lie or she has way too much free time on her hands and is bored a LOT. Instead of keeping these shitty manips in a locked folder named FAP GALLERY on her computer, Sephirothslave thought it wise to grant public access to them. And we're glad she did, because they are fucking HILARIOUS and practically impossible to view with a straight face. The rest can be found here
Modeling Career FAIL
Of course, the strong, independent and non-conformist "goth" likes to talk about her modeling career - after all, only incredibly beautiful people can become models. Nevermind that becoming a model is one of the most dangerous, vapid, and self-depreciating careers a young girl could become entrapped in, being a model makes you AMAZING. All throughout Sephirtohslave's DA and in many of her journals, she mentions that she is a career model. Several pictures of questionable quality pepper her gallery, and she claims they are samples from her "photoshoots." How could someone like Sephirothslave even become a model? one may ask. Her ass is way too fat for her to be an actual model (real modeling angencies like them anna-loving skinny bitches, and Sephirothslave can barely seem to fit into her tacky Hot Topic clothing), and she hasn't wasted away after becoming obsessed with purging and taking meth to promote weight loss, so just what kind of talent agency would employ Sephirothslave? In response to a comment asking her about her modeling job left on her LiveJournal, she responds that "[she's] signed with Via Entertainment, and that's a good place to start when you're just getting into the industry."
As it turns out, Via Entertainment is a notorious scamming company comprised of sleazy salesmen who essentially overcharge people for creating their modeling portfolio with pictures of questionable quality taken by one of their sub-par photographers. Various complaints can be found online, detailing in a consistent manner the repeated scams of Via Entertainment - both at their Arizona location, and the Colorado location which Julia is likely signed with.
Given this information, it's very unlikely that Julia is a true and successful model, and has instead been duped into surrendering her money to a greedy scam company. To take into account is also the fact that despite claiming to have a successful career in modeling, Slave does not have an ounce of evidence to back this up. No ads, no commercials, not even runway photographs. Most of her so-called portfolio is comprised of hundreds of cringeworthy, self taken shots or free photoshoots under two random photographers with questionable taste and talent and one Via Entertainment photoshoot that she had to pay for. Looking back, it is more likely that the only place in which she's a successful local model is her head.
—Which is exactly why she tried for nearly two years to become a "professional model."
Because Sephirothslave just doesn't care about what we think at all, she made some recent retorts towards information on her ED article. She wound up acknowledging the fact she is unfit to be a model because of her appearance, then went to claim she is "legitimately a local model." In classic Sephirothslave fashion, she tells but never shows, as she has yet to produce any actual modeling work she has done in Colorado, whether it be billboard ads, TV commercials or otherwise. If she is still signed with Via Entertainment, given its history, Colorado residents may want to beware mentally disturbed giant soybeans passing out tofu samples outside of your local Sam's Club.
Ironically, Julia has been capable of looking presentable, if not somewhat normal. Unfortunately, something somewhere went wrong, probably when she decided to cake tons of goth makeup on her face, ignore all the rules of coordinated makeup application and fashion sense, and shop exclusively at Hot-Topic and second-hand clothing stores so she can dress like she's attending a funeral, and beef up her physique while simultaneously losing weight in attempts to look like a super model.
Adding to Julia's long list of epic fail is her tragic attempt at "jewelry-making." Even after two or three semesters of classes, she fails to produce anything remotely resembling a quality piece. Despite her typical mediocre skills, Julia boasts that more than one of her pieces "sells like mad", only to reveal that the impressive number is around 4-5. These "successes" prompted her to attempt setting up a jewelry-making studio in her apartment, an idea that was seemingly dropped as soon as it burbled forth from Julia's cesspool of a brain. Julia even makes basic mistakes such as mixing precious metals with non-precious metals and setting glass stone decorations meant for a fish bowl amongst the metal, creating a truly tacky work of art. None of this stopped Julia from behaving as if her skills were great, despite the fact they were barely passable. However, like most of her other hobbies, her infatuation with making jewelry abruptly ended as soon as it began.
Martial Arts FAIL
In a journal entry on her DA account, Sephirothslave describes being attacked at her local mall. Apparently, there were a couple of guys who were up to no good and started making trouble in her neighborhood, and right when one was about to attack her weak point for massive damage, she killed his lulz by kneeing him in the crotch. In the post, she attributes her victory to her "martial arts training," and not the fact she just kneed a guy in his fucking crotch. If all she got out of "years of training in the fighting arts" was the lesson to knee your opponent in the crotch, she got ripped off. She also claims she has a reputation as a "bad-ass bitch," but she's fooling herself into believing she has made any reputation for herself other than "that crazy chick who thinks she talks to Sephiroth on the astral plane."
On the other hand, this story is quite possibly an attempt at bringing attention back and making herself seem like some sort of Anonymous-slaying badass. She claims to have refused to report the incident to the police, even waiting several days to tell her parents about the attack so they couldn't force her to file a report. That would conveniently mean there is no real way to confirm this incident ever happened, unless the alleged attacker wants to take the ice pack off his nuts for a while to come forward with his side of the story. Yet this in itself may be a convenient loophole, as anyone suffering the severe butthurt from being knocked in the cajones by a delusional fangirl is unlikely to speak up.
Journal Entry here.
Training in the deadly art of swords
Not long after the fighting incident described in her journal, Sephirothslave, like the retard she is, decides it's a good idea to make a deviation out of a photo of her to show everyone what she fucking looks like.
As pointed out from some sword students who have been studying with a performance acting group for some time now, Sephirothslave is holding her sword at "an uncomfortable angle that no real sword fighter would use." If she really has spent years studying the art of sword fighting, I think it's safe to conclude that her lessons are getting her nowhere fast, and the world can sleep peacefully knowing that she would most likely do more harm to herself were she ever to actually attempt sword in real life. But who knows; maybe the fighting style is different on the Astral Realm. In which case, I recommend you all Astrally install electronic security, an Astral phone tracing system, and buy an Astral dog.
May the Astral force be with you all.
Suffice to say, Julia believes herself (or once did, before she tossed the hobby aside like some cheap whore) to be a competent flautist. Or piccolotist. Or pickle-whistler. Or whatever. Most of this can be determined by the way she writes her Mary Sue, Julia, as an if she were a genius musician. It can also be determined by the fact that Julia never shut the fuck up about being in "band" until she graduated highschool. At some point, while she still lived in Virginia, she entered auditions for something-or-other band related, and admitted to botching it. Despite that, she bragged about being invited right afterward to play for an event in Florida, which she mentioned no one fucking cared about but boasted about being at the front of the procession anyway. Afterward Julia probably learned that no one gives a fuck about people in band camp after highschool, and that people in band are crap musicians and don't get a career with music.
Mystick Sephiroth Rune Pendant
—From her Blurty, 10/03/07
As noted by the above quote, Sephirothslave claims to have a "rune" that spells out Sephiroth's name etched onto a pendant she wears. In fact, the "rune" can be seen on several pieces of jewelry she has made and wears in her photos, as well as on the drawings of her "original character" Julia. Sephirothslave, of course, being the dumb shit she is, has no idea that a rune is, as defined by the Wesbter dictionary, "any of the characters of any of several alphabets used by the Germanic peoples from about the 3d to the 13th centuries." More appropriately, the mass of squiggly lines she claims are Sephiroth's rune could more accurately be defined as a sigil.
Or, even more appropriately, they could be defined as a mass of squiggly lines made up by a batshit-insane fangirl.
More eyebrow-raising however, is her unshakable belief that the "thorough understanding of runic systems taught to [her] by him" and "a runic signature" act as proof that Sephiroth is totally real, guyz! A rooonik system and signature that are conveniently unknown to everybody on the planet and could in no way be invented by Slave herself. Absolutely legit.
Quotes from Family and Friends
The Legacy of Sephirothslave
In 2012, it seemed that the mental gymnastics employed by Sephirothslave to keep her fantasies alive began to take their toll on her glass-fragile psyche, and she began an unusually long period of inactivity. The months extended to years and it became less likely that the internet would get to enjoy her deliciously delusional brand of self-deceit and her elaborate submission fantasies.
Even with the lolcow mostly absent, the gallons of milk remain forever to be savored by the nostalgic and by the curious. It would seem that the saga of Sephirothslave has run its course, as she has become a forum anecdote, a badfic trigger and even a study topic. Recently, a teaching fellow of the "Studies in Religion" Department at the University of Sydney, Australia has written an honest-to-God academic paper about Slave (and Summoner Yuna, for bonus points!). As of January 2016, the paper is still in review, but it promises to be an interesting read:
This study looks at two young women, calling themselves Mrs Sephiroth and Sephirothslave, whose complicated Soulbond with the villain of the Final Fantasy videogame saga, Sephiroth, was detailed online between 2004-2012 via journals like Sephirothslave’s (aka Julia) Blurty, blogs like Mrs Sephiroth’s (as Summoner Yuna) Dreaming of Sephiroth, and discussions on ‘fanatical’ websites like the page for Sephyism or Sephirothslave’s DeviantArt account. While belief in the divinity of Christ and his ability to commune with chosen people was, and remains relatively normal in Christian society, and likewise within fandoms using the internet to disseminate extra-canonical and imaginative expansions on fictional worlds, stories, and characters is accepted, the narratives weaved by Julian, Margery, Mrs Sephiroth, and Sephirothslave provided such controversial and radical challenges to normative and traditional notions of authority and authenticity, disrupting the bounds of their gender, social status, and identity as a believer/fan, even their humanity, their work has seen them distrusted, denigrated, and even despised by others...
The paper misidentifies Sephirothslave as a soulbonder, but this is irrelevant in the face of the idea that Slave is now being literally studied in universities for her delusions. The titles found on the teaching fellow's page suggest that she has presented the aforementioned paper at the Fandom and Religion Conference of the University of Leicester, UK, on 28-30 July 2015. We can only hope that the paper will eventually see the welcoming light of the internet.
On 18 November 2016, the paper was finally published in a book called Fiction, Invention and Hyper-reality: From popular culture to religion. The work makes mentions of both Sephirothslave and Summoner Yuna and their dubious exploits, and although it contains several inaccuracies (including one instance in which the author mistakes a troll using Summoner Yuna's name to make fun of Sephirothslave as being the real lolcow herself and the fact that Sephirothslave never claimed to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, a mental illness which she hotly denies having), it offers a brief history of our favorite internet celebrities.
Light of joy and all.
- In recent fits of characteristic arrogance and delusion, she has claimed that she knows the characters of Final Fantasy VII better than their creators and that if given the chance (she) would stare the lovely folks at Square down and tell them to their faces that they are wrong. She's like an endless lulz dispenser, always ready to pop hilarity for the benefit of the internet.
- She claims to have studied visual arts at the Pikes Peak Community College, but dropped out and claims that she "failed to see the need for a degree stating [she] can draw a pretty picture." Sour grapes AND loser all in one!
- She claims to work for PsychicSource - that we can believe, as hacks like her usually end up scamming desperate people out of their money for a living.
- Despite the fact she often talks about astrology, she seems to have completely missed the fact that in the Chinese Zodiac she is not, in fact, a Dragon. As she was born 02/09/1988, her Chinese Zodiac sign is a Rabbit. The year of the Rabbit ended on the 16th of February 1988.
- Though most of her activity on the internet has ceased, small bits of info on her recent life can be gleaned from her friend's journals, including one that mentions that she acquired a wedding ring for herself (assuredly to complement that marriage license she got at the age of TWELVE).
- A fan of the game since its release in 1997, it is unknown if she was a fan of Sephiroth from the tender age of 9. However, her Astral Journeys to La-la Land started back in 2003.
- Apparently Sephiroth is double-timing Summoner Yuna to flirt with a much younger (and possibly even more mentally unstable) piece of fangirl tail.
Unlike Summoner Yuna, she insists that Sephiroth is real, and is in love with him.No, wait, he's not real, but one of God's flunkee angels that isn't the same as FFVII's Sephiroth? This is becoming impossibly more ridiculous. Either way, it's safe to say if he were real they'd both be bloodstains on the ground before they got a chance to glomp him.
- Her OC Julia scores about a 140 on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test. 50+ Is "Kill it Dead."
- Her OC also has an entry in the Joke Battles Wiki.
- If she is, in fact, seeing a person from the astral plane, they would have to be one of the most epic trolls in the history of the internets.
- Despite her insistence that her angel inspired the video game character of the same name (possibly intentionally), she can be quoted several times saying that her archangel believes the similarities between himself and the video game character to be very odd.
- She claims her father has contacted the local bishop for guidance about his useless reject of a daughter - supposedly in hopes of an exorcism. We assume that the bishop kindly pointed towards the loony bin after smacking him in the face for his parenting fail.
- She has no clue about how copyright works.
- Her Myspace status is "Single."
- She even gave her hallucination a birthdate: February 18, even though... he
doesn't existis not human.
- Sephirothslave's AIM: VampyricCheshyre; email@example.com It's email trolling time.
- sephirothslave's DevianTART
- sephirothslave's LiveJournal
sephirothslave's Fanfics as highpreistessmegamiBALEETED! Fics can be found here.
- Shinra High and Shinra SOLDIER now have a TvTropes page! It contains more than 10,000 words of written content regarding the tropes found in her stories.
- sephirothslave's Blurty The Blurty website itself appears to have finally died, but the Wayback Machine provided a few snapshots of the recent blurty entries.
- Partial contents of sephirothslave's old (2004) Blurty recovered through the Way Back Machine.
- a YTMND of sephirothslave's emailed response to a supposed troll - the accompanying Codec transmission makes more sense than her
- Sephirothslave's AC.net forum profile.
- A cropped snapshot of Sephirothslave's Myspace page, which she quickly abandoned after it failed to bring her the attention she thirsts for.
Her Twitter account.Deactivated. Archive here. Her Facebook.Not found. Archive here.
- Her Instagram.
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