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Some argue that one of the most epic progenitors of the lulz is Adolf Hitler due to his mass ownage of most of Europe and some Jews. While he certainly does peg high on the lulz-o-meter for suffering; he does not hold a candle to the personal sick fuckery that serial killers engage in. Therein lies the difference. Personal.
The psychology of a serial killer is warped and twisted in such a way that basically everyone at ED, /b/tards, and any other basement dweller would understand. NORPs, on the other hand, can never seem to come to grips with the twisted perspective and completely uncalibrated moral compass of the serial killer. For many, they think the act of killing is mindless and pointless. This is very far from the truth with serial killers. It may be true with rampage killers, frenzy killers, and so forth; but this article isn’t about them now is it fuckers?
The act of torture and murder is an exercise in control. The serial killer is exercising control over their victim, every minute detail; deciding whether they live or die. This is also why it is generally very difficult to catch a serial killer until they start making mistakes. Most are meticulous planners that will focus on eliminating even the smallest detail that connects them to a crime or allowing law enforcement to find the bodies. Those acts of control are serving as sexual and emotional gratification to that individual. One could compare their sexuality to Furries, though it seems insulting to do so. We ponder how someone can get sexual satisfaction out of donning a carpet and rubbing up against some other dude or Aspie chick in a pile in a cheap hotel. The NORPs ponder how the act of slipping a steak knife precisely between the 2nd and 3rd ribs on the right side of this whore’s spine gives the serial killer sexual fulfillment.
Many of these individuals cannot perform in a normal sexual fashion, much like David Carradine. But unlike David Carradine, they need to project their sexuality onto someone else. Else the feeling of power and control is nonexistent. This knowledge of power and control is often exploited by law enforcement to help sniff out a serial killer.
For example, Dennis Rader; also known as the BTK Killer. He committed his last murder in 1991 while leaving a very, very cold trail of evidence behind. He did not come to police attention until 2004 when he sent a letter to law enforcement. Why? A killing that he had committed was being attributed to another killer and he wanted to set the record straight. Most of our first reactions would be, “Wow, what a retard. How could he slip up like that?” The fact of the matter is, he did not. He exhibited perfectly normal behavior for a serial killer. The kill was his. He took that life, he watched their last minutes, and he decided at that moment that he must play the role of God and remove that person from the face of existence. And no fucking way is anyone else going to take credit for the work!
Myths and Imperceptions
There are a good number of myths and imperceptions that surround serial killers. The reason is simple. We listen to fucking Hollywood. The unfortunate part is, the actual stories are generally more interesting and sexually gratifying. There is a common myth that most if not all serial killers are middle-aged white males. This is not true. There is a wide sampling of other races, female, and a wide range of ages. Many also believe that most serial killers are poorly educated and socially inept. This is also a falsehood. There are numerous serial killers that lived a double life with a good job and family while killing. Then we come to the charisma and social skills. Jeffrey Dahmer was once pulled over by a police officer for a routine traffic stop while he had a garbage bag full of human body parts in the back seat of his car. His calm, sociable demeanor saw the officer conduct his business and send him on his way with no need or call to search the car. Would a socially inept individual be able to do that? Only if the individual in question was, like in this case, the one with the badge.
The fact of the matter is, becoming a serial killer is a break in one’s mentality. One may be predisposed to committing certain acts thanks to things like environment or a hard life. But there are plenty of people who have had difficult times that do not undergo this mental transformation. The reality is, anyone can be a serial killer. Anyone. That is why they bring the lulz in full force. All it takes is the idea that a serial killer might be operating in an area to send an entire city into a panic. Which is why the cops don’t talk much about it on the news unless it serves as part of their strategy. As a matter of fact, you could have a serial killer operating in your neighborhood right now; and your local law enforcement wouldn’t tell you so as to not let you know they're on to you.
tl;dr There is nothing wrong with rape and murder. I mean honestly, it's all about possession. All most serial killers really want to do is rape, murder, and play with corpses. There is nothing wrong with corpse fucking either.
So you’ve finally snapped. You can’t take life anymore and you haven’t been able to get an erection without strangling a small animal in years. It is time for you to force your way out of your cocoon and into the nightmares of the public. Believe it or not, there are particular patterns and habits serial killers fall into that makes it easier for law enforcement to catch them.
Serial killers are often fulfilling some mental or emotional need they have. In many cases, their victim will have characteristics of a focus of their anger or lust. If a man was married to a tall, platinum blonde; and her divorcing him was what caused his mind to rollover into murder mode, it is very likely that when he sees other tall, platinum blondes that remind him of her he will have his victim. Now, there she is; there’s the bitch that ruined his life. Now, he can put her in the same kind of pain that she put him through. He will make her suffer. He will establish control by taking away the precious thing that no one else will be able to. And then he’ll probably have sex with the corpse afterwards. Srsly.
- Pro-Tip: Vary up your victims. It makes it way harder for the cops for to establish the patterns and understand the psychology of what motivates you.
Serial killers are generally creatures of habit. They fall into certain patterns and do certain things as a matter of ritual. These rituals also make it easier for law enforcement and their psychologists to work out your method of operation. One must be as erratic as possible in the execution of their designs to ensure that no tangible connections can be found. The method of the kill is generally a major indicator as well as clean up of a crime scene. Don’t just use one method to kill the victim. Mix it up some. Choke someone to death with piano wire one week, and then a few months later sodomize the victim with a 12 gauge enema. If the cops keep finding bodies that were strangled with piano wire and a yellow rose left on their right arm; they’re going to piece together a timeline and figure out where you’re operating.
- Pro-Tip: Use several methods of execution for the victim and constantly monitor what you are doing at the scene of the crime.
The Comfort Zone
Speaking of operating, serial killers usually function in what they consider to be their comfort zone. It is where they feel the most comfortable finding their victims, doing their work, and doing the disposal. The comfort zone will generally be areas they are very familiar with. Around the area where they lived, where they grew up; or in the case of some truck drivers a particular stretch of interstate. Some serial killers, such as the Green River Killer, would return to the dumpsites to make sweet necro-love to their victims. Long after putrefaction had set in.
- Pro-Tip: If your comfort zone is the 3 blocks around your house, you’re going to get caught. Don’t even bother wasting your time. You might also want to avoid rivers if you’re planning on some hawt necro action later. Fucking corpses get all waterlogged and bloated and who wants to fuck a fatty? Rly.
What Do We Truly Know?
Nothing! Isn’t that great? The NORPs know it too which is what makes it so lulzy. We can dissect their psychology, catch them when they run rampant and start to slip up, try to establish their patterns of operation; but ultimately no one knows what starts the process of setting a serial on a path of destruction and carnage. Your husband or wife could even be a serial killer. People like Dennis Rader, Robert Yates, and the Green River Killer were all family men. And of course; their families could not believe this was true! It just couldn’t be! How, oh how could we have been living with a serial killer for 30+ years?!
- EDiot’s Note: Consult with psychiatrist about multiple hard ons while writing.
History Bites (the rotting human corpse)
Serial killers come in all shapes, sizes and flavors (vanilla being the most popular). But, like with everything else, the white guys get all the props. The most infamous killers include:
- Gilles de Rais, French Knight and leader of the French army. Sounds good right? Well in his retirement he raped, tortured, and murdered 80-200 peasant children. No srsly look him up I'm not even fucking kidding you. He did it for teh lulz. He is a prime example of why everyone hates French people, and why they are so creepy, and gay. It is rumored all modern French are descendants of him.
- Elizabeth Bathory, hot bitch who tortured and murdered ~600 young girls.
- Albert Fish, A pedo who tortured little children and ate them. Told a few of their parents what happened to the children. His last words were, "I don't even know why I'm here."
- Ted Bundy, a gallant hero who murdered almost 40 stupid whores including sorority girls. I'd like to shake his hand.
- Jeffrey Dahmer, whose undoing was leaving the severed human torsos out to thaw instead of quick-freezing them.
- John Wayne Gacy, who dressed up as a clown. Go figure. Liked to live in the woods, lure little boys, handcuff them, read them a ritual or some shit, make them his buttbuddies, and shove paper down their throats.
- Ed Gein, who made masks out of people's faces, lol. The progenitor of a sadly-forgotten field of recycling.
- Jack the Ripper, who only killed like 4 people, yet is still possibly the most famous killer ever, due to the fact that limeys are all attention whores.
- Fred West, liked kidnapping teenage girls, turning them into duck tape mummies, fucking them, then burying them in his back yard.
- Richard Ramirez - The Night Stalker, he was the true embodiment of 80's rock -n- roll: an ugly, Satan-worshipping druggie.
- Edmund Kemper - Killed his grandparents when he was 15. Did less than five years of time. In his early 20's, he kidnapped, killed, mutilated, dismembered, and dissected six women, including two chinks. He then fucked their corpses. His second-to-last victim was his mother. He bludgeoned her to death with a hammer, decapitated her, used her head for fellatio, and used it as a dartboard. He then invited her BFF over and strangled her to death. He ended up turning himself in. Did I mention he's 6'9?
- Richard Chase - Run-of-the-mill crazy bastard. Drank his victims' blood in order to protect himself from the Nazis, saved macaroni & cheese in his pants pockets.
- Jew - AKA "Son of Sam", he tried to kill people because a dog named Sam told him to do it. Unfortunaely, it's awful hard to aim with a big Jew nose in your way, so he managed to kill around seven people in five or so shootings, each shooting with several targets apeice. Everyone knows he's just a Zodiac copycat (see below), but unlike that badass, he got his ass fucked. And big surprise, he tried to cash in on his stories to reporters while in custody. Fucking Jews.
- H. H. Holmes - The boss from Hell. Would put his employees on life insurance, then melted them in boiling lime in a labyrinth he installed at the top of his hotel.
- Yang Xinhai - (alias the "Monster Killer") would go into random Chink houses at night, armed to the teeth. After entering, he would proceed to pwn every-fucking-thing in sight.
- Tsutomu Miyazaki - Some Japanese dude who had a collection of over 9000 snuff films, slasher flicks, hentai,guro, and lolicon, killed and ate 4 little girls before he was arrested and just last Thursday, was sadly hanged for his crimes. He also filmed some of the murders.
- Dr. Harold Shipman, overdosed over 600 grannies to get to their munnies.
- Gary Ridgeway- also called Green River Gary. Only killed prostitutes, big loss there. He then dumped them in a river. He made an autobiographical movie about himself, but it's more of a porno. Plus, he only has sex with overalls on.
- Gert van Rooyen - South Africa's one and only white murderer
- Dennis Rader -the BTK (Bind/Torture/Kill)- Christian serial killer who pwnt himself, by sending the police a disk with his name on it (he didn't know).
- Liu Pengli - Faggot who managed to chalk up about a hundered kills only because his cousin was the Emperor of China.
- Thug Behram - Dothead that was accredited with 931 kills. In reality, his freaky cult committed them while he watched. Sound familiar?
- Long Island Craigslist killer - his victims come to him and he hasn't been caught, likely because he read this article
- The Zodiac Killer - This guy was fucking awesome! He shot people and then sent cryptograms to the police and newspapers. He claimed "Once you crack the code, you have me". When solved, the letter said he wasn't going to tell us his name because it would slow down his hunt for slaves for the afterlife. Sometimes he even called the police to report his own crimes, always from a phone booth like two blocks from the police station. Zodiac also threatened to blow up a bus full of kids. Some argue he was the greatest troll to ever walk the face of the earth.
- The Phantom Killer, a Klux - Klanner christfag that punished horny teens for getting it on in the car. Often raped the female and at least once crammed his gun up the girl's pussy.
- The Axeman of New Orleans - One day, a Jazz enthusiast was deprived of his favorite snack by an italian grocer. This caused him to BAW and chop up italian people with an axe. He wrote a letter saying jazz music would soothe his nerves. Jazz was played at a dance club and no murder was committed that night. This was probably a scam by nigerians to get jazz popular so they could make MOAR MONIEZ! As we all know, the black man was the only one who played jazz.
- Cleveland Torso Murderer, also known as the Mad Butcher of Kingsbury Run, spent a little too much time watching guro. He wanted to make his own too. After a night of vigorous masturbating, he decided to slaughter and dismember twelve dumb fucks drifting around town when some people were already killed. To add insult to injury, two of the bodies were found on a place called "Jackass Hill". Probably was the cousin of a congressman, but got away with it after a long night of hookers, blow, money, and one happy sheriff. Most of his victims are unidentified, so nobody really gives a shit anyways.
- Aileen Wuornos, who spent her childhood being fucked by all of her relatives, so it's unsurprising that she went on to become a whore. Would shoot and rob any truckers horny enough to try and tap her ugly ass, and claimed to be in league with aliens before being executed.
-Charles Manson isn’t on the list, because he was too big of a pussy to kill anyone himself. Helter Skelter my ass.
Serial Killer Spotting
Just what are the signs of a serial killer? How can I spot one in my city, neighborhood, or Allah forbid, my own home?
The typical serial killer...:
- ...pisses the bed WELL into puberty
- ...likes to hurt small animals (but who doesn't?)
- ...is interested in Serial Killers, mass murderers, or criminals in general
- ...has a gay ass tumblr blog dedicated to serial killers
- ...talks about wanting to commit shocking acts of appalling carnage
- ...has a manifesto on his or her computer detailing their plans of being a serial killer
- ...dissappears from their job / home for more than 2 days
- ...cannot hold down a job.
- ...has a fucking evil bitch for a mother and a nonexistent loser for a father
- ...likes to drug loli and shota and rape them
- ...is a serial killer
Quotes by Serial Killers
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