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Sex is a bodily function with the purpose of perpetuating the survival of the species (or discontinuing, if you're a homosexual). In its superficial form, sex is an act of pleasure and love and can occur in a variety of modus operandi including IRL intercourse, Internets sex, and phone sex (from fapping to "dirty talk" with a loved one to inserting an iPhone set to "vibrate" into the anus or vagina and calling it repeatedly on redial). Things such as chemistry, beer, chloroform and sex toys can be used to enhance the sexual experience for the parties involved.
How it happens
While masturbation is a perfectly viable alternative, your hand doesn't count as a sex partner, so yes, you're still a virgin. Sex starts by not using the internet. Your first experience with sex may have been catching your parents going at it when you were too young to understand what you were seeing and reported it to your homeroom, but it is more likely that it was at the 'hands' of said parents. It is important to note that this in no way ensures you are their child.
Don't worry if you're too young
If you are too young and you think your parents may catch you try:
- Doing it in the car
- Doing it in the public toilets
- Doing it on the roof
- Doing it at school (but not in athletic sheds--you will be caught)
- Doing it at a friends house
- Doing it outside in a muddy puddle for lulz (If you decide to do this, take pics pl0x) and make sure that she is the one that is on the bottom, as to keep yourself as clean as possible
- Doing it at grandma's house
- Doing it in a confessional booth, or if you're not Catholic, some kind of box
- Fucking a pillow
- Killing your parents
- Killing yourself
Can you even be too young?
Some religous leaders and oldfags will tell you that sex is for adults only. This of course is entirely false and that as long as you're above or at the age of consent of your country/province/state, you can tell those cockblockers to suck it. Or else the guy will get v& and be treated like a child molester while the girl is treated like a raep victim if somebody opens
there THEIR big mouth. Srsly.
Humping, also known as dick-stabbing, is when a guy repeatedly pounds his meatsword into a wet hole, or even a dry hole if someone used a hole-saw to modify a public restroom stall near a park. Not to be confused with dick stabbing, which mentally confused male trannies do before putting their peeners in a vice and choking their chicken to death with strangulation then chopping it off and slicing it in half and eating it on a hot dog bun with their gay lover because love is love rainbows yasss!
Humping is a widely popular form of sexercise, just ask your mom, and is often a highly physically intensive activity, which is one reason why men die earlier than women. The other reason being to get away from nagging women. Humping causes 1% of deadly heart attacks in men, and when a man's heart stops after humping, it turns out that the ungrateful women who they were humping are too pussy to do CPR.
Cheating is a great way to generate lulz. cheat on your wife and then tell her about it during an argument while she's bleeding from her vagina, the lulz will be almost unbearable! The lulz will be especially great if you show her the videos and or pictures you made while cheating on her.
Marriage will reset your sex life to Month 1 and it will stay that way until you and your partner eventually produce a child from your nightly fuck fests. Having children kills your sex life and it cannot be revived, even if you murder them.
There are many ways to do the nasty with someone, as we have listed below, but sometimes people like to take things one step further and make videos of themselves having sex with each other. This is called "pornography". If you ever come across a homemade porno, be sure to upload that shit for all the internet to see. Just bare in mind that there are six main types of porno for you to look out for:
- Straight porn: One man and one woman. Usually features awkward shots of the man's balls slapping against the woman's taint. Usually the woman is either fat or is skinny with an extra-wide vagina. Expect to see lots and lots of fake moaning and a cumshot to the face or in the ass.
- Gay porn: Porn for faggots. Two men plowing each other in the ass for several minutes. Usually the bottom is flamboyant and one snip away from being a woman and the top is a steroid-abusing "straight" guy. Expect to see lots of anal mucus and blood. Also, AIDS.
- Lesbian porn: The hottest porn on the planet, featuring two "confused" girls pushing their boundaries and "experimenting" with their sexuality. Expect to see lots of scissoring, cunt licking, and vibrators. But watch out! While most lesbian porn is between two very hot college-aged chicks, sometimes bulldykes like to make their own videos, much to the dismay of porn enthusiasts.
- Bisexual porn: Depending on the audience, bisexual porn can feature either two girls and one guy or two guys and one girl. The 2girls1guy concept is catered toward straight men, while the 2guys1girl concept is for the ladies. Naturally, bisexuals love this shit. In 2girls1guy porn, expect a lot of hot lesbian action. In 2guys1girl porn, expect the guys to start fucking each other while the girl sits around rubbing her pussy.
- Transsexual porn: Most of the time this porn is a chicks with dicks scenario, where a really hot girl (or very obvious drag queen) reveals that -- surprise! They have a dong in their pants. The man will usually act surprised and disgusted but will have no problem being fucked by a girl with a dick. Sometimes, though, the girl will reveal to her girlfriend that she has a dick and you'll get quasi-lesbian porn. Although sometimes dickgirls fucking normal girls can be an epic win because all the more tits (you can't argue with that logic, unless they have a deformed penis). More recently, FTM porn has become a common trend, with porn stars like Buck Angel proving that a man with a vagina can make for interesting porn.
- Child porn: Have a safe and fun assrape in prison.
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|Featured article December 18 & 19, 2012|
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That Really Rustled My Jimmies
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December 21, 2012