Shakesville

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Clearly in serious danger of being raped
Shakesville (aka Rapesville) is a blog where obesity apologists and almost-rape survivors go to get triggered and outraged. The website is made by and for perpetual victims, these people will find rape in the word "grape" and point out that eating grapes contributes to "rape culture"; they will also claim that someone calling them "whale" is a proof that there's a systematic genocide against their endangered species. They are totally not exaggerating and overreacting.
Surprising.

Run by Melissa McEwan (real name: Melissa L Zambos, born May 1974), the website was started when she lost her job at an all-you-can-eat buffet after it went bankrupt due to a series of mysterious food disappearances. The case was never solved. Authorities are still baffled about where 10 metric tons of food went to.


Rape fan-fiction[edit]

Melissa is a food addict. Can't stop her fat fingers from stuffing her face compulsively even when her health depends on it. But there's something Melissa likes even more just as much as food, and it is feeling victimized!

The ugly behemoth has the nerve to claim that she lives in a constant fear of rape, even though no self-respecting rapist would come closer than a mile because of the rancid smell of grease, sweat and stale urine her lard-ass body emanates. Despite this fact, she loves to dwell endlessly on how she was raped by her imaginary athletic, popular high school boyfriend.

To prove that she is lying just look at her photos - who would want to rape THAT?! And is that even PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?!



Today in obesity culture[edit]

Weighting over 600 lbs, and approaching at rapid pace the mass of the sun, Liss is a vocal obesity apologist and fat logician. A recurring theme of her site is a obesity denial. It's a game where the readers try to come up with as many excuses as possible to justify why their sad state of affairs is due to "I HAVE A CONDISHUN!!". Pointing out that 100% of fat enters through the mouth, and that doing exercise burns the fat, will get you banned from commenting.

Melissa often repeats that being obese disease-ridden blob of fat is a valid choice, and that others lifestyle is none of your fucking business. And that others have to tiptoe around the eggshels to not to offend her fragile feefees. She can sit on her oversized ass all day long and be an eye-sore to everybody around, and that is a valid choice, but the whole society must change when she doesn't like something.


   
 
" I am constantly hungry, not emotionally or psychologically hungry, and not "mouth-hungry," but physically hungry—an ungodly hunger accompanied by searing stomach pains if I don't eat. I can barely manage to keep it under control by eating a few almonds or a banana or some other snack nearly hourly."
 

 
 

—Obviously., [2]


   
 
" I am morbidly obese. I do not have an eating disorder.

What I have is a physical inability to get as much exercise as my body needs to be able to burn the number of calories it needs to survive -- and I walk between one and three hours every day.

If I exercised more and ate less, which is the only way my body could lose weight, I would have an eating disorder."
 


 
 

— Counting and reducing calories is an eating disorder. Snacking every hour is completely normal. I HAVE A CONDISHUN!!, [3]

Lulzy Melissa McEwan facts[edit]

  • Melissa is the reason the obesity acceptance movement will never be taken seriously, she is too fat to move, it's not uncommon for her to spend a week lying on the sofa doing nothing but getting shitfaced on the Budweiser, smoking like a chimney, eating delivery by the truckload, and peeing and shitting herself all over... while glorifying her lifestyle on the Internet (link: [4] ).
  • Melissa will claim that she is fat because of a medical "I HAVE A CONDISHUN!!" and that she eats healthy and exercises regularly... while snacking on processed food, right from the bag, in front of the tv.
  • Six trees must be cut down to produce enough toilet paper for Melissa to wipe her ass once.
  • Scientists have concluded that if Melissa skips three out of her sixteen daily snacks for a week, world hunger could be solved.
  • Melissa hoards animals because her daddy did not love her. In fact, Melissa is a feminist because her daddy did not love her.
  • Melissa and her fellow readers expect to brainwash the society into believing that obesity is beautiful using the "teaspoon by teaspoon" method [5]. Ironically, teaspoon by teaspoon is how they got disgustingly overweight in the first fucking place!
  • Melissa wants the society to have a better opinion on landwhales, but instead of doing something really awesome so the society will be like "Woah, fat people can be really cool, maybe I was wrong about them", she does nothing but blame, whine, bitch, complain, and play the victim, further solidifying the perception that (True or not)obese cows are good-for-nothing fucks.(This is a legitimate argument that is almost impossible to find issue with.)
  • Melissa uses the fact that she has a husband to point out that she doesn't hate men and that fat girls are beautiful. Too bad her husband Iain is a mommy-pleaser. When Iain was too old to please his mommy, he married one so he could please her until the premature death at late forties do them part. One has to wonder how low your self esteem has to be to date, let alone, marry a landwhale. Iain also has diabetes, which he contracted from Liss, because obesity is contagious.
  • Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in the lightbulb? A: Three. And it takes them five years! Finally we have the answer to this one!: [6]
  • Melissa secretly loves feeling like a victim. She will viciously attack and eat anyone who tries to take away her victim identity. That is why she finds a way to insert (imaginary) rape and fat hatred into everything.

Batshit insane quotes from Melissa[edit]

   
 
"It's something, 'date rape' I guess, but it's not rape unless I say it was, right?"—Wrong. If you didn't give your consent, and especially if you said no "a bunch of times" and then fell asleep, then it was rape.
 

 
 

— Melissa, explaining to a younger girl that even if the girl doesn't consider the experience to be a rape, it is still rape. The nerve!, [7]



   
 
"One of the key narratives of the rape culture is that false accusations are extremely common. (They are not.)"
 

 
 

— Liss, who can find rape in a drop of rain, explains that rape hysteria, exaggerations, and outright lies by pscyhotic bitches are non-existant, [8]



   
 
"I never make New Year resolutions"
 

 
 

—Melissa proudly explaining with a shit-eating grin on her face why her rhinoceros ass grows bigger each year


Fat and happy radical woman pile of cowshit. This, by the way, is how EVERY feminist looks like.


   
 
"It remains a radical act to be fat and happy in America, especially if you're a woman"
 

 
 

—Indeed. Too bad you're fat and angry, which is quite fucking common among your kind.

Internet reactions to Shakesville/Melissa McEwan[edit]

   
 
Grow the fuck up or get the hell off the Internet, because you're only going to continually get offended, be triggered, or whatever it is that you in particular do. And no one beyond your close-minded bootlicks give half a shit what you think, you ignorant bonehead. People can say what they want - shock, horror - and you need to deal. On the flip-side, I guess you can continue screeching about whatever sets you off, too, but just remember that no one with half a brain cares. Because nothing you have said in regards to this issue was at all new, insightful, meaningful, or relevant. The only thing anyone will get out of this is, "God damn there are a lot more humorless cunts in the world than I thought there were."

In short, I hope something pushes you far enough that you kill yourself. I'm tired of assholes breathing my air.
 


 
 

—Captain Awesome, telling the whiny little girl Melissa to grow the fuck up.


   
 
Well, Shakespeare's Sister is just a giant, ongoing outrage treadmill. The site does not exist for communication or engagement, it exists to make its readers feel righteously outraged.
 

 
 

—Quoted for truth

Shaxicon[edit]

Like every retarded community, Shakesville has it's own made-up words and phrases, which are explained here:


Today in fat hatred = much like Andrea Dworkin's book Woman Hating is not about hating women, but about a crazy woman named Andrea hating everybody around her, Today in fat hatred is not about hatred towards obese people, but about fat cunt named Melissa hating somebody.

Rape culture = culture obsessed with all things rape; culture that sees sinister (and imaginary) hidden meanings in innocent aspects of pop culture. Essentially, rape culture = Shakesville culture.

Trigger warning = normal people call these tags. At Shakesville it is used to bait victims into reading something that will make them rage impotently, then cry. This has been changed to "Content Note", after this article went online (coincidence? ;) ) to give the impression that Shakesville is not full of hysterical cows who will burst into tears at anything they dislike.

Teaspoons needed = /b/lackup requested. When planning a raid on an unsuspecting victim, Melissa (who claims that sending her inflammatory emails without permission = acting like a rapist) asks her cunt friends to help her gang-rape some poor person's mailbox. Melissa is the ultimate rapist.

Daily dose of cute - a dose of cute images of animals to offset the dose of ugly images of Melissa's face.

Comment policy[edit]

Before you leave a comment on the blog, the fucked-in-the-head Melissa "expects" you to read a thousand or so pages of crazy shit she has written while under influence of fried chicken. Even if you do take a year or two out of your life to read her "recommended reading material", and then post a comment in good faith, Melissa will manage to insert some sinister meaning into your words, rage like a hambeast, ban you forever, delete your post, and then resort to childish name-calling. Be patient with Liss, she is a three-year-old girl trapped in a forty-five-year-old Big Beautiful Whale's body.

Don't bother leaving comments on Shakesville. If you want to get your message across, email Melissa directly. She hates it. She claims that she feels raped each time you send her email without her sober, explicit and enthusiastic permission. So just go ahead and string her a line or two, and maybe include a picture of your instrument of rape (your penis) to Melissa.McEwan@hotmail.com. Remember, NEVER ask for permission

Trolling Shakesville[edit]

Shakesville doesn't need your help to troll Shakesville readers, Melissa does the job herself. Each morning she wakes up and searches for material to troll the shakers with, make them rage impotently, make them fear, make them cry. Then she eats. Melissa is a most hideous concern troll of them all.

While you don't need to troll shakers, trolling Melissa is encouraged, and is a very lulzy activity. Here's how you can troll Melissa McEwan:

  1. Find out where Melissa McEwan lives LOL, done. Proceed to the next step.
Melissa McEwan (née Melissa Zambos)
#### her phone numbers #### 
(219) 331-3412
(219) 734-6234 
(219) 841-9908
#### her home address ####
5016 Stone Avenue
Portage, Indiana 46368
United States


  1. Raep
  2.  ???
  3. Profit

It's only a matter of time before someone discovers where Melissa lives and revenge-rapes her for using her victim privilege to encourage violence against men and boys (but only white and heterosexual men and boys, those who resemble her daddy). So rape Melissa before someone else does! Be the pioneer!!!

If you lack the haxx0r and social engineering skills necessary to find Liss's address, pick a shaker who commented and who has a website listed, extract their info from whois database, Facebook, or a phone book, then proceed to raep. Be sure to check it's not a trap before sexing though, unless you are a fag, in which case you may skip this step. For bonus points after the deed is done, email Melissa McEwan at Melissa.McEwan@hotmail.com telling her that you found your victim through her website. Many lulz will be had.

Alternatively you can post a picture of her on a dating site saying she wants the black cock and she will react with predictably hilarious outrage.

The Gallery of Lard[edit]

Enter The Whales About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

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Shakesville is part of a series on

Sex

Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.

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Shakesville is part of a series on

Whores

Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.

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Shakesville is part of a series on

Social Justice

Visit the Social Justice Portal for complete coverage.