Thanks a lot, Broken Britain.
Since the disappearance of Madeleine McCann over 100 years ago, people have been increasingly concerned at the thought of children being abducted. In February 2008 in the West Yorkshire town of Dewsbury, their nightmares came true when Shannon Matthews suddenly went missing. All over the world, people were worried until photos of her were released. Hospitals were inundated that night with a mass vomiting bug.
A Plot is Hatched
—Shannon's relatives. Ya rly
There is one reason and one reason only as to why Shannon disappeared: Money. Following the supreme example of the Madeleine McCann Hoax of 2007, the Matthew's plan was simple but brilliant:
1. Sneak up on your neighbour's window and peek through to watch Shameless on terrestrial tv.
2. Gain public sympathy and haul in their money .
4. MOAR PROFIT
5. Play the banjo.
It was perfect except for one tiny problem: Shannon lacked the raw sexual appeal of Maddie. Just who on Gods earth would they find to penetrate the ugly little pig? The stepfather (Craig Meeehan), who as a 22 year old boy living on a council estate in Britain, was more than qualified for the task of fucking an underage girl. And as an avid collector of CP, Craig certainly had the connections, should he require use of a porn dungeon. For this clan of Lower-Class chavs it was the perfect scheme to get rich quick - not only did they have moar money than they could ever want, but unlike Paris Hilton there would be no daughter to spent it all. Happy days indeed, and with their newfound wealth, they could afford to keep themselves fat on Micro Chips, Pot Noodle, and Lottery scratchcards.
National newspaper The Sun offered a £20K reward for her return. She was returned by the police. And no, the police have not received any £20K donations. Conveniently.
Shannon's stepfather Craig Meehan, 22, has denied having anything to do with the child's disappearance and again dismissed claims he had hit her, although it is said that the bruises were a massive improvement visually.
He also dismissed comparisons between his family and the parents of missing Madeleine McCann, citing Kate McCann's tits as the main difference between the two cases. The other difference being that the McCann's were smart enough to get rid of what was left after they raped and killed their daughter.
Shannon is a classic example of someone who was almost raped - although she was kidnapped, bundled up in a small box for three weeks and has a father who would sell her to a pedo, she was not actually fucked, therefore should receive no sympathy. Her parents already have classic examples of unwarranted self-importance and should be exterminated.
—Unlike the pedos, the police were apparently very relieved upon finding her alive.
—Even sick fucks have their limits.
The abductor turned out to be the uncle of Shannon's stepfather. Srsly. The spawn he had adopted was so repulsive he had to convict his uncle to carry her off. Eventually, this pervert couldn't take it - the thought of this creature touching his dick was too much to bear.
Paul Drake a.k.a. Mick Donovan has been charged with child sexual abuse before, after molesting two boys when living with their family:
"He told me if I laughed when he tickled me I would have to take a piece of clothing off." Says the younger brother. "Unfortunately his dick was so tiny I couldn't help but laugh."
It is rumoured that Paul Drake kidnapped Shannon Matthews because he mistook her for a boy, but couldn't obtain an erection when he discovered her cock was bigger than his. After the discovering the horrifying creature hiding under his bed Donovan soon attempted to cut his wrists. This did not work because as he was removed from Shannon he found that all the blood was rushing to his dick.
Immediately after the discovery that Shannon was alive the town where she lived has a huge piss-up involving vomit, sex with animals (including Shannon's mother) and shit eating, usually all at once. At first people mistook this for 'celebrating'. This is not true - all English people a.k.a. Chavs are known to do this on a daily basis as a pathetic attempt to hide their true faggotry.
Shannon herself was supposedly given a lolcat by the police to calm her down while being interviewed. They afterwards destroyed the cat for the lulz. West Yorskire police are currently keeping her as an aid to deter kiddie fiddlers from committing more offenses.
This is Not a Joke
Because this is Encyclopaedia Dramatica, you could be mistaken into thinking that this is all an elaborate, sick joke. Oh no. We are not the only people who think there is something suspicious about all this:
Quotes From Sky News:
9th April 2008 - Shannon Matthews' mother has been taken into court after confessing she knew who kidnapped her little angel. Her plan - which consisted of epic fail and CP - was based on the idea that since there were people out there willing to fuck her already vile and cum-bloated body, surely there was someone sick enough to do the same to her precious little girl. How fucking wrong she was.
So far she has been charged with neglect and perverting the course of justice (because there's nothing moar perverted that the thought of fucking Shannon amirite?).
It was discovered that a scam was in motion after Karen approached a spokesman for Madeleine McCann and asked them for money. This plot however failed because people would pay good money to make sure they would never have to see the little shit-faced pig-fucker again.
Famous Last Words . . .
Police are now looking into the possibility that the Matthews family DID get the idea from an episode of Shameless shown a few days before initial disappearance , proving once again that Life = Art and that ED is the source of all knowledge.
- Similarities between Shameless and the Shannon Matthews case. Probably the smartest thing a chav has ever conceived.
Charges Against Karen Matthews
- On the days between Feb 18 and March 15 she wilfully neglected or abandoned Shannon in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering to her or injury to her health.
- Between Feb 18 and March 15, with intent to pervert the course of public justice, did a series of acts which had a tendency to pervert the course of public justice by repeatedly concealing information in relation to the whereabouts of Shannon in interviews and other contacts with police and claiming to have no knowledge of her whereabouts. 
Epic Update! 04/12/2008 Mummy dearest Karen Matthews and lover boy's uncle Michael Donovan have been found guilty of kidnap, unlawful imprisonment and perverting the course of justice. Upon sentencing, they are expected to serve long custodial sentences.
The replies contain moar Lulz than the jokes - Invalid Forum specified.
- Unfortunately you can no longer leave nice comments here
- The only reason Shannon was found is because her family were too fucking poor to warrent any media attention
- Ultimate proof that nobody cares
- Holy shit, her stepfather got nicked for having pedobears collection on his PC
- Listen to her mother's 999 call HERE
- Released after serving only half her sentence.
- LOL Death-threats!
- Madeleine McCann Still world Hide-And-Seek champion
- Almost raped
- DO NOT WANT
- Missing white woman syndrome
- Rosie It's liek looking into the future . . .
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