|IT'S LIKE BOOM! I PUT IN THE HOOP LIKE SLAM! I HEARD THE CROWD SCREAMING OUT JAM! I SWEAR THAT I'M TELLING YOU THE FACTS, CUZ THAT'S HOW I BEAT SHAQ!|
BEHOLD! THE GREATEST FIGHTING GAME EVER TO BE CREATED BY MAN HIMSELF!
Shaq-Fu is a fighting game developed by EA and Delphine Software in 1994. It is based one the real life adventures of basketball legend, and future Boston Celtic's player, Shaquille O'Neal. On his second year in the NBA in the mid 90's, Shaq became a pretty cool guy and everybody worshiped him. Back then, Shaq put it in the hoop like slam and hear the crowd screaming out jam. You could not get away from Shaq, he was whored by almost every company. He sold out to Pepsi, Shoe commercials, food, and, get this, became a fucking rapper! As an attempt to cash in on his success and milk his giant money squirting tits, some cock sucking shyster thought it would be a good idea to give him a record contract. From his first laughably shitty album entitled "Shaq-Fu", spawned the most abominably lulzy fighting game that would be "Shaq-Fu".
The story begins as Shaquille O'Neal, one of the best basketball players evar, is in Japan for a charity basketball game. Soon he walks in to a do-jo and finds the old geezer who owns it. The old Asian man tells Shaq in an opium fueled high that Shaq must save a prince kid of another dimension by beating the shit out of Sett-Ra, an Eygyptian mummy that wears spiked shoulder-pads and knows martial arts. So Shaq steps in to the closet and finds himself in another world. But not only that, he also mysteriously develops kung fu powers and his own fighting style which is dubbed "Shaqido". So now it is up to him to fuck up countless warriors that take orders from the fucking mummy. Said warriors include a catgirl that teleports and throws these exploding seeds, an arab possesing the best sabers in the universe, a busty-ass black chick that kicks your ass with voodoo dolls, a cyborg-nigger, and a monster/zombie made of lava.
You then end up in the best plot twist ever to be conjured, YOU FIGHT THE OLD GUY FROM THE DO-JO AND THE BOY YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE! If that wasn't enough, you fight two more assholes to get to the end. Then you finally reach the mummy and he's hard as shit. After you defeat him, Shaq leaves this crappy place with the boy and the old fuck and heads to the big charity game that Shaq's team will most likely lose because Shaq can't make a free-throw for shit even if the world depended on it.
Analysis: If you actually grow the balls to play hard mode, opponents will pull specials out of their ass every chance they had. Everyone bitched about this, and also because the game's controls were a little unresponsive, but what they fail to realize is that this only adds to the realism. If you were trapped in another world full of assholes that only wanted to kick your ass, you'd be fucked too. All you could do is kick the shit out of them to survive.
Shaq-Fu was just a marketing scheme to cash in on Shaquille O'Neal's success at the time having young fans beg their parents to buy them the latest Shaq-Crap, from shit rap to a sellout-clusterfuck of godawful movies, Shaq did it all. While America was on it's knees to sucking his black cock, he was reeping in the big bucks from all corners. Shaq was nothing more than a sellout that prostituted himself to literally every fucking company there was. Even though Shaq-Fu the videogame, and the soundtrack, were byproducts of Shaq's selling out, that doesn't stop them from being fucking awesome. Well, maybe only the game, Shaq's rap was utter shit; and yet, he sold over 2 million CDs.
Today, no one gives a shit about Shaq, he's popularity has gone down in the last decade and a half. When he's not on the court calling fouls or making terrible 3-pointers, he's doing Icy-Hot commercials. But Shaq-Fu has not been forgotten. This game has left a legacy and shall remain for generations to come.
Shaquille O'Neal - aka Shaq and Shaq-Diesel. The star of the game because it wouldn't be Shaq-Fu without the athlete its named after. Basketball star turned to martial arts warrior by stepping in and out of the closet. He is the chosen one to save the prince and kill the mummy. His special attack, the Shaquriken, is totally not the same as Ryu's Hydouken.
Rajah - Imagine Aladdin with a turban, now give him two sabers that allow him to pwn you from the other side of the screen.
Kaori - A furry of the human-feline kind. She was created by the developers to stimulate the interest of the game to covert/overt furries everywhere. Provides for endless fapping for sick fucks 13 year old boys who are curious to feel what its like to slip their dick into a cat.
Mephis - A green zombie that wears a hood and uses magic to kick your ass.
Voodoo - A black chick with breast implants that also kicks your ass with magical powers. Like with the furry, the developers made her so kids can jerk off to her. She's not Shaq's girlfriend.
Leotsu - The old fuck who foretold Shaq's destiny and states that Shaq is the chosen one. Near the end, he fights and loses to Shaq because he wanted to test Shaq's strength or some shit.
Sett-Ra - The main villain and final boss of the game. He's a mummy with spiked shoulder pads and, just like every other character, has magical powers. He's hellbent on taking over two worlds, one of them being IRL.
Years after the travesty that was Shaq-Fu, a bunch of friends gathered for a weed and circle jerk session. While stroking each other, one of the fags had the bright idea. For some reason, fapping and getting fapped made him reminisce of the time he first played Shaq-Fu and all it's disappointing glory. He got the idea to make a website dedicated to the locating and liberation of this game. Thus, the website Shaqfu.com was born.
These guys literally went around to local video game shops to search for the all the copies of Shaq-Fu. The mission was successful as they raided many GameStops to delete fucking everything! They took photos of their findings and destruction of the cartridge to post them on the internet because they had nothing better to do with their lives. Crushing, burning, freezing, runing over, thrown from high buildings, peeing on it, shoving it up a cat's ass, you name it, Shaq-Fu has endured many fatalities at the hands of these people. Many noobs who thought it was an awesome idea did like wise to buy the cartridge from ebay, record the destroying of them on cheap out dated video cameras, and post it on youtube. This act did not infact made them cool, but even more retarded than usual. The site is still up but the liberation of the world of Shaq-Fu has been severely been cut since GameStop doesn't sell used Sega Genesis or SNES games anymore. See for yourself.
Over the years, Shaq-Fu must have accumulated a cult group of fans. This must be true since not long after Shaqfu.com went up, a rival site known as saveshaqfu.com rose out of the cries of innocent Shaq-Fu's worldwide. If Shaqfu.com was the Nazi for Shaq-Fu, then saveshaqfu.com was the Jew for the game. Yep, that's right. This site is dedicated to giving a warm loving home to every copy Shaq-Fu. This quickly became a session of trolls trolling trolls between the two factions as saveshaqfu also reaped in countless copies of the game (about 79). These fags are extremely dedicated to save every copy. With the time they spent on saving this game, they can actually do something useful. This website would have been labeled as a lulzkiller, but the fact that they manage to make the other site rage is lulzworthy. All in all, choose your side!
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