Imagine, for a brief moment, gentle reader, that instead of the basement-dwelling embarrassment to your parents that you truly are, you are internationally renowned film star, Sir Sean Connery at the peak of your cinematic career.
One of the most popular, charismatic and handsome leading men in Hollywood, you are widely regarded to be the best James Bond and command six figure paycheques for each movie you star in. Everybody loves you and women pursue you wherever you go. You drink champagne and snort cocaine.
You are the winner of an Academy Award, two BAFTA Awards (one of them being a BAFTA Academy Fellowship Award) and three Golden Globes (including the Cecil B. DeMille Award and a Henrietta Award). People magazine voted you 'Sexiest Man Alive'. Audrey Hepburn lets you stick it in her pooper. Things couldn't be better for you. You're the man, now, dog.
However, the mighty must fall and time is the cruelest of mistresses.
Gradually, little by little, the world begins to lose interest in you and you become less and less relevant. During an interview with Barbara Walters, you make some ill-advised statements regarding domestic violence and suffer a damaging blow to your popularity. You begin to make unwise decisions regarding the projects you sign on for.
Towards the end of the '90s, you are offered a part in The Matrix, but you turn it down as you do not understand it. You watch that movie go on to smash box office records, becoming the fastest-selling DVD of all time and rue your decision. Later, you are offered the part of Gandalf in The Lord Of The Rings, but again, turn it down because you do not understand it. Once again, you live to regret your decision as you watch The Lord Of The Rings becomes a massive blockbuster hit and one of the biggest money-making franchises in cinema history.
Cursing your poor decisionmaking, you decide that you, too, will be a part of one of the new wave of huge, big budget action movies, signing on enthusiastically to the next script you are offered, even though, again, you don't fully understand it - The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Audiences are unimpressed, reviews are lukewarm at best and the movie bombs. You show up at the premiere in London irritable and visibly upset and generally make yourself look like an angry, senile old bastard. Embittered and frustrated, you retire from Hollywood and from acting in general, becoming something of a recluse and spurning all who might contact you with new film roles.
Until, one day, your agent, whom you haven't seen hide nor hair of for some time, calls you up with news of an exciting new script that he knows you're going to love. It's a CGI family movie set in Scotland, that is somewhat similar to Up, Shrek and Alvin and the Chipmunks, movies which have been very popular with audiences in the past few years. As an admirer of those films, yourself, you are intrigued and, for the first time in ages, ask to know more. The more you hear about the film, the more keen you are to become involved. Right then and there, you announce that you will be coming out of retirement, just to make this film. Sir Billi.
—The slightly too hopeful plot synopsis of the film.
After the red carpet premiere, the film's producers held a VIP dinner in true Scottish fashion serving all manner of disgusting tasting Scottish food, such as porridge oats, haggis, Tunnocks Tea Cakes, Irn Bru, Walkers Shortbread and heroin, completed by the annoying droning of a Scottish piper to
welcome scare away the American VIPs. Dame Shirley Bassey, who performed the film's main theme, wore a specially made tartan dress for this prestigious occasion and, under instruction from the film's producers, pretended to be Scottish when actually she's Welsh.
The Reviews Are In!
- The official site of the film
- The film's Facebook page, which mysteriously seems to be entirely populated by durka-durkas from Dakar who can scarcely speak English yet seem to be unreserved fans of Scottish humor.
- The film's creators speak
- Sean Connery
- Brave - A CGI movie about Scotland that's actually good. This is because it was made by Americans.
- Foodfight! - A CGI movie made by Americans that refutes the above statement.
- Video Brinquedo
- HA HA HA, OH WOW
- Unrealistic Expectations
- You're the man now, dog
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