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Slander, Slander Salamander
Idol worshipped by all e-lawyers who deal in internet trial, namely in cases of defamation, the Slander, Slander Salamander got his name from the popular arcade game Dance Dance Revolution. All will bow down before him and suck his cock, even though he is a salamander. Rumored to be available in plushie form, for those of you who actually want to do this. To be on the wrong side of Slander, Slander Salamander is to be on the wrong side of internet justice. This probably means you will suffer greatly IRL, too. Cause after all, the Real World is just an extension of the internets, right? RIGHT?!
He is most-well known for the maxim: "There's lies, damn lies and Internet communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation." He is reported to have a LiveJournal, and to be in the process of making a softcore porn version of his Autobiography, A Deeper Shade of Salamander. A follow-up book about his faith and meditations on enlightenment, from the perspective of someone involved (as a fictional character) in Internet Defamation Law and as a scientist, called Catch-22 is actually not such a book at all.
Slander is a salamander of the first order having been born in a tropical jungle in South-east Asia in 1972. He graduated from Harvard Law School of South Carolina and went on to co-found the Internet Justice Advisory Board. His methods of diagramming and describing classes of speech as infringeing upon the rights of others gave rise to the Salamander Defamation Speech Law which has been the basis for legal code definition in most of the world's Internets in recent years. A Internet Juris Doctorate student of his came up with a system of dividing Defamation speech into two classes, one honorarily named Slander, and the other named Libel. His expertise has been sought out by nearly every successful Internet Lawyer, and his students have gone on to find positions of power in every area of the Internets.
He currently resides in a fortified compound at an undisclosed location somewhere within the borders of the United States. Several of his followers and former students have taken up residence with him for a research program he is running attempting to devise a system of Passive Aggressive reduction to be applied to all of the world's Classic works in an attempt to modernize them and reduce archaic Defamation into a universally-digestable (mathematical) form.
Rumor is that he has taken over what used to be Hunter S. Thompson's fortified compound, and is currently holed up developing a completely new type of defamation. This has required development of a three-state bit, to replace traditional binary logic. The states are "true, false, on fire" with "on fire" being shorthand for the new form of defamation. This new defamatory method is characterized by vague, obviously false assertions, which are backed up with proof by assertion and a series of questionably-related facts. It has yet to be proven whether this can be used to defame someone in practice, but there is a rigorous mathematical proof known to be undergoing peer review.
Many of Slander's former pupils have criticized this work, as it has been linked to numerous ongoing CIA research projects. The new type of defamation was reportedly tested during the 2004 Presidential campaign by Republican forces. The most notable instance was the John Kerry looks French debacle. An outspoken critic of the government in the past, it is unclear why Slander would have changed sides now. Some have posited that the money is just that good, the pussy just that sweet, but it is unknown what the hell motivates a fictional salamander in the first place.
|Featured article December 14, 2006|
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