Slash is the realm of fucking sickos who are too weird for normal society, but not perverted enough to be a furry. They often write passages like "... and then Harry reached up to stroke the angelic face of his one true love, Ron Weasley. So much had happened in the last 24 hours: realizing that Ron shared the same feelings, the loss of his virginity, and his expulsion from Hogwart's for embracing that love. It didn't matter what those other witches and wizards might think... he and Ron were meant to be, and that was all that DID matter. Then he gently stuck his..."
Many slashfic writers are teenage girls who are violently opposed to hetfic, and spend their days squeeing over their favorite Hawt pairing and writing smut. A subdivision of slashfic is femmeslash - or lesbian fics. By extrapolation, these are probably written by horny teenage boys. Most people use slash when referring to either gay or lesbian pairings, but if you want to be accurate, you should denote which it is.
Random Fact: Many fandoms are over 50% slash. Out of the 50%, you will find many, many bad sex scenes and a horrifying number of male pregnancies. However, you can always be grateful that it isn't fanart. Nobody HAS to read bad slash - googling for a random image and being inundated with naked elves is not pleasant. Unless you like that kind of thing, of course.
Common Slashfic Fandoms
- Lord of the Rings - Aragorn/Legolas is the most popular currently. Those damn hobbits are a close fucking second.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Spike/Any Male is the most popular currently.
- Harry Potter - Draco/Harry and Remus/Sirius tend to be the most popular pairs but it fluctuates. Snape/Harry is also quite common, usually involves much spanking
- Final Fantasy 7 - Cloud/Sephiroth will always be the most popular no matter how many of you assholes like Vincent/Cid or how many Yuri-Lovers wish for their Tifa/Aerith.
- Doctor Who - Usually Doctor/Jack, or whatever faggotry makes sense in a fangirl's head.
- Star Trek- KURT/SPOCK IS SOO HAWT U GUIZE!
- Smallville - Because Clark/Lex are ohsohot.
- Invader Zim - The usual and nasty-ass Zim/Dib pairing occurs often.
- Silent Hill - James/Pyramidhead because obviously rape=love!
- Fall Out Boy - Patrick/Pete is the most popular currently.
- Bible- Jesus/Judas most popular
- Naruto- Sasuke/Naruto shudders (voted "Most likely to be Canon" in high school). Apparently the fangirls can't get through their thick skulls the fact that the kiss in episode 3 was accidental.
- Yu-Gi-Oh - Yami/Yugi. Or Kaiba/Yugi. Or Bakura/Yugi. Pretty much anything where Yugi is an uke. Also abuse and sex slaves galore! True art.
- Dragon Ball Z - Goku/Vegeta. And other horrifying death by muscle suffocation pairings. The best case for a DBZ pairing can be made for that three eyed guy who goes up in the mountains to "train" with that kid.
- Saw - Adam/Lawrence (the two whiny bitches who get chained up together in the first movie) seems to be the most popular, but Hoffman/Jigsaw and Hoffman/Strahm is fairly popular too, despite all canon evidence pointing to the contrary (but when do fangirls ever care about what's canon?).
- South Park - Since South Park is comprised of a predominately male cast, you can only imagine some of the batshit insane ships those pedo freaks come up with. Popular ships include Stan/Kyle [a.k.a. Style] Cartman/Kyle, Cartman/Butters Ike/Kyle (Yes, his fucking infant brother), Kenny/Cartman, and Tweek/Craig. God help us if these slash writers decide to have children.
- Sonic - Sonic/Shadow is most popular, with Shadow being a faggot and Sonic being an even bigger faggot. Also Sonic/Tails because Sonic fandom is rife with pedophiles.
- Metalocalypse - Skwisgaar/Toki being the most popular, but it's no surprise considering the show actually encourages it.
- Transformers because giant robots fucking maeks sense rite?
- Supernatural- Where the fangirls raped the show and conceived wincest. Pairings are usually Sam/Dean, but Castiel/Dean or John/Sam or John/Dean is apparently popular too. Might I point out that John is their dad?
- The X-Files - Mulder/Krycek is very popular, but Skinner occasionally makes his way into the slashiness.
- Fullmetal Alchemist - It seems that the most popular pairings are Roy/Edward or Ed/Al, A.K.A "Elricest". Underage secks is AAAAWWWWRIGHT!
- Sherlock Holmes - Yes, even everyone's favorite detective likes getting it or giving it up the butt with his dear Watson (and occasionally even Moriarty or Lestrade). This has increased in popularity due to the faggy Brit show "Sherlock" and the 2009 movie involving Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. Fangirls like to pair up RDJ and Jude as well- but that's part of the job.
- J-Rock - Any band member/any band member.
Common Slash Topics Causing Eye-gouging
- Hot Boi A hates Hot Boi B in canon. BUT THEY SEKRITLY LOVE EAHC OTHER and their fights are just a way to relieve sexual tension.
- Hot Boi A is raped by Evil Hot Villain B. Then they fall in love.
- Hot Bois A & B have their bodies swapped around.
- Hot Boi A is kidnapped by Evil Villain and rescued by Hot Boi B.
- Hot Boi B is then immediately impregnated by Hot Boi A during their reunion.
- Rape. Rape everywhere.
- Dicks flopping all over the place.
Some people have problems with slashfic because they're afraid of upsetting the creator of the fandom, or they think the characters are too het/too asexual to have sex with another man. These are fair opinions and most slashfic writers respect them, so long as you don't leave a Trollish flame (see Flame Wars) on their fanfic.
Of course, most of you bastards here at ED enjoy doing that and FanFiction.Net has a high enough percentage of really crappy writers that it deserves your wrath. Some helpful hints on trolling slashfics:
- Tell them their favorite pairing should burn in hell. They will immediately sic all their slashy friends on you with incoherent angry 1337 - hours of fun.
- Type in ALL CAPS.
- Cut-paste homophobic rants - don't waste these on the horny teens who talk in netspeak, they won't have a clue what you're on about. Save it for the people who can spell, but sadly, suck.
The final bell of school had finally rung. The day was over and students were rushing out of class to go home. While packing up his school belongings, Bernice, a shy student, noticed that Jacob, one of his classmates, was standing at the door. Bernice quickly stuffed the last piece of homework in his backpack and walked over to Jacob. They exchanged a few words about school, but quickly shifted the topic to something more personal. Bernice complimented Jacob's unique sense of style. He simply could not stop thinking about the way his dirty blond hair was so neatly combed at all sides of his head. Soon, the conversation grew dead and Jacob was ready to say goodbye to his classmate. Noticing Jacob's hesitation to leave, Bernice quickly blurted out, "Wait, Jacob! Don't go! I want you...to...uhhh...r-ride the bus with me! Please!" Jacob thought carefully about his classmate's offer and, despite the incident that had happened earlier that day, he gladly accepted.
While searching for a seat with his newly acquired friend, Bernice decided it would be best if they sat in the back of the bus to discuss personal matters. "Let's sit here," Bernice stated while pointing to seat eleven, the very end of the bus. They sat down, glanced at each other for a brief moment, smiled, and turned away. The bus driver waited for the rest of the students to arrive and then took off. Bernice and Jacob spoke about a variety of subjects along the way. They would soon be together alone.
The bus eventually reached Bernice's stop. He, Jacob, and a few other students got off of the bus and went their separate ways, Jacob tagging along with Bernice. They would walk approximately a quarter of a mile before reaching their destination. While they were walking, Bernice attempted to get a hold of Jacob's hand, but Jacob lightly pushed Bernice's hand away, turned his head away, and blushed lightly. He wished he had held his hand instead, but he never dared to admit it.
Finally, they had arrived. "Welcome to my house!" Bernice excitingly yelled as he opened the front door. Jacob, amazed by the size of the house, greatly praised Bernice for inviting him there. The two companions quickly raced upstairs and unloaded their school belongings. "Bernice," Jacob called his name for the first time and then gently asked, "Can you help me with my homework?" Bernice grinned at Jacob's words and they were soon working together, helping each other out with any problems they were experiencing.
Almost an hour had past and they were nearly finished with their homework assignments. A slam was heard. Bernice's mother had left the house for reasons unknown to Bernice. His mother, although rarely, leaves the house for several hours when she is tired and needs time to herself. Jacob slowly gathered his things together and headed for the door as well. Bernice turned to Jacob and thoughtfully said, "I'm sorry." Jacob turned around and curiously asked, "For what?" Bernice's eyes filled up with tears, tears that Jacob would soon cherish to see. He apologized for urinating on Jacob in the boys' restroom earlier that day in school. Jacob declined Bernice's apology and playfully stated, "Don't worry about it, Bernice. I thought it was kind of cool." He let out a giggle and stood there smiling. Bernice enthusiastically replied, "Also...Can you call me...ummm...Dax? I don't really like my name much and...uhhh...Well, I just think Dax is a cooler name. Call me Dax Flame." Jacob walked over to Bernice and whispered in his ear, "Whatever you say, Dax."
Jacob saw Dax blush, his cheeks radiating with a pink glow, as he whispered those four words in his ear. Dax finally gained enough courage to reveal his true emotions for Jacob and, without saying a word, looked at him straight in the eye and nodded slowly. Jacob knew what Dax wanted and he knew why he was invited to his house. The two teenage boys giggled as they playfully looked each other in the eye. But that soon stopped as things grew more and more passionate. Dax went down on his knees and gently removed Jacob's pants, revealing his designer underwear. He had always wanted to feel another boy's manhood and now was his chance. Dax began rubbing Jacob's now enlarged weenie. The feeling of his warm phallic member being massaged by another boy's hands made Jacob moan heavily. Dax was stroking Jacob's weenie as if it were his own. Both of his hands were now all over Jacob, feeling every part of his adolescent crotch. Jacob moaned with intense satisfaction. He could feel Dax stretch his arms around his young body, touching him in places that only his doctor had ever felt. Jacob, feeling all of Dax's love, wished for more pleasure than he was currently receiving. Without hesitation, he placed his arms softly on the side of Dax's head, deeply looking him in the eye, and brought his mouth toward his weenie. Dax felt a part of Jacob inside of him. He loved the warmness it gave to his mouth and the way it fit perfectly around his lips. Dax continued to perform fellatio on him for several minutes before Jacob decided to return the favor. Both were soon sweating as if they had just left gym class and were in desire of more, much more, passion.
The two teenage lovers stared at each for what seemed like ages. They could not stop thinking about what had just happened. Dax now knew what he wanted to do to Jacob, what he had always dreamed of doing ever since he saw him walk across the hall with his seemingly thousands of friends the very first day of school. He whispered in his ear, "Get on your...ummm...hands and knees...a-and hold on tightly...This is g-going to be a bumpy ride." Dax quickly grabbed a bottle of lubrication from under his bed that he had stolen from his parents' bedroom and began to open it. He used up nearly half the bottle on both himself and Jacob. Moaning could be heard from Jacob's mouth as he felt Dax's soft hands wrap around his torso. Dax shifted his hands further south to spread Jacob's light-skinned butt cheeks and easily penetrate him from behind. Jacob felt his rectum being widened by Dax's warm, erect weenie and the result caused him much pain. Dax could hear Jacob sob, begging for him to stop, as he continued to insert his weenie inside his teenage body. Blood could be felt and seen exiting Jacob's anus. The more pain Jacob felt, the tighter his anus grew, the more pleasure Dax experienced. He pounded away at Jacob's rear, grunting and sweating more than ever. After a few minutes of sexual intercourse between the two boys, Dax eventually climaxed and felt the incredible pleasure of orgasming inside of Jacob's anus. Jacob could feel Dax's semen ooze through his rectum slowly. They both collapsed in satiety, overwhelmed by their experience. As time past by, Jacob once again returned the favor and made sure Dax knew how it felt for his first time. Even after Jacob had reached climax, the two continued to pleasure themselves in ways that are too hard to describe.
About five minutes had past after their sexual encounter and Dax had to use the bathroom. He told Jacob lovingly, "I have to go pee now..." Jacob, still aroused by Dax's young body, passionately replied, "Can I come too, Dax? Please don't leave me." Dax allowed him to accompany him and the two walked together, arm in arm. Once they had arrived, Dax went up to the toilet, held his weenie in preparation to urinate, but was suddenly stopped by Jacob. "No, not there. Why use your perfectly good pee on a toilet when you could use it on me?" Dax quickly grew aroused by Jacob's suggestion and relieved himself all over him. Jacob could feel Dax's warm urine splash all over his face, his chest, his stomach, his arms, and his legs. Then, Jacob stood up and unexpectedly urinated on Dax for half a minute. In that time, Dax felt Jacob's urine rush down his throat as he held his mouth open the whole time. The two were deeply aroused by their own pee and licked each others' bodies until they grew tired.
Bernice, now known as Dax, and Jacob continued to have these sexual experiences nearly every day after school. The love would continue to become more intense and more passionate. They believed they would remain lovers for the rest of their lives.
When they became 20 years old the two were disowned by their families for their decisions. This was an utter blow to them, but it strengthened their love for each other. The two lovers moved to England and bought a small apartment close to Parliament. Dax went on to acting while Jacob grew exotic flowers in their cozy garden. In 2015 Dax starred in his first film, The Salt Flats. It was the most important role of his life. Not because of his career, but because that was how he realized how much he really loved Jacob. The first time they kissed he knew he never wanted to kiss any other lips but his again. The years passed and the two eventually got married. Jacob grew Scarlet Carsons for Dax in their window box and out place always smelt of roses. Those were the best years of their lives. But America's war with Iran and India grew worse, and worse. And eventually came to London. After that there were no roses anymore. Not for anyone. Dax remembered how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like collateral and rendition became frightening. While things like Norse Fire and The Articles of Allegiance became powerful, he remembered how different became dangerous. He never understood it, why they hate homosexuals so much. They took Jacob while he was out buying food. Dax never cried so hard in his life. It wasn't long till they came for him. It seemed strange that his life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, he had roses, and apologized to no one. He shall die here for being a degenerate homosexual spreading AIDS and being fucking leftards demanding rights and justice from mortal men who are themselves controlled by the sphere of morality and other constructs. Bottom line: Those faggots died like all homosexuals should. All glory to Allah!
TL;DR-VERSION: They're fags, ok?
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