Socialist

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This guy is probably a socialist. Note the aura of worthlessness surrounding him.
It's the truth
At the tender age of 13, Che had a vision of God telling him to lead France's army to victory.


   
 
America
 

 
 


   
 
One sometimes gets the impression that the mere words 'Socialism' and 'Communism' draw towards them with magnetic force every fruit-juice drinker, nudist, sandal-wearer, sex-maniac, Quaker, 'Nature Cure' quack, pacifist, and feminist in England.
 

 
 

—George Orwell (1937) predicting Bernie Sanders supporters a generation in advance.


For what socialism inevitably never turns into IRL, see communism.

Socialism is the belief that governments can create shit out of thin air and everyone will live in a utopia and laze around eating peeled grapes while rainbows shoot out their butts. It is connected to liberalism which is connected to feminism - the unrealistic expectation that all men shall become sensitive. Socialism is also connected to environmentalism or somesuch shit. This ideology was created by men wanting to get laid, by means of creating collectives for fucking in the countryside (The women care for the chickens while the men think lofty thoughts). Its smelly, matted-haired offspring are the natural result of such procreation. Socialists consider it a feat to travel from the countryside to a larger city, even though any eleven-year-old could do so. They want to relive their childhood by banning cars and running after windmills as if they are Don Quijote.

Socialism's emphasis on community values over individualism means that your body can be dismembered and sewn together to create a new Frankensteinian monsteķkkkr. Very possibly this new body will have parts from many different races, thus being a multicultural baby, the liberal übermensch. Socialists want to take money you earn and give it to homeless people, welfare queens, 28-year-old pot smokers who live in their parent's basement, illegal immigrants, and every lazy ass fuck to ever grace the face of the planet. They properly point out that it's only fair; after all their sociology professor told them so.

TL;DR[edit]

SOCIALISM SUCKS!!!

Socialism is defined as an economic system in which productive capital is either state-owned or commonly-owned. In Marxist theory, it is the economic stage between capitalism and pure communism. It has killed a lot of people in its attempt to finally perfect the multicultural baby. This means that dialectical materialism dictates that killing people is good for all mankind--justifying human-rights abuses for the so-called greater good. They utterly ignore the fact that capitalism brings innovation while socialism kills your soul and stagnates growth. Despite what they may tell you, all socialists believe that socialism could work if they were in power. Why? Because everyone else "did it wrong."

Socialists are normally part of the middle-class and live in a free country, yet they want you to replace the current rulers with their totalitarian overlords. Socialists have some groups that believe the poor are entitled to shit and everyone will magically share everything like shining, enlightened angels with no leadership required. They're called anarchists and are total fags; they forget that humans always organize themselves into governments, anyway, which defeats the purpose. Socialists are typically high-school dropouts that failed their economics classes and can't think beyond, "OMG, FREE STUFF." Socialists typically rely on a shamanistic economic system first started by Karl Marx whilst on a booze binge. This is because they are filthy furries. Some socialists are also nationalists because who knows why.

Socialism is responsible for more starvation and poverty than AIDS with the added joy of famine. It only works until the money runs out. After that, all stray cats become cat stew and there's no such thing as obesity. Socialists think that capitalism is all about greed, but they don't stop bitching about it long enough to realize that socialist leaders always get the best of everything while everyone else is equally poor (or dead).

Socialism tried to be a thing in America before Ronald Reagan ran the commies out of the government. Eurofag countries still have socialism, which is why Europe gives them a boner and has srsly shitty economic growth.

Socialists would like to change the world, but they cannot, because in an industrialized country they get distracted by the Internet, and start posting condescending rants on socialist web forums, and they will not travel to the third world in fear of climate change and all. Plus, traveling from the countryside to a big city is too much work, anyway.

So technically speaking, all socialists are part of the bourgeois that they cannot seem to stop complaining about - no exceptions.

Future of Socialism[edit]

During the brief Golden Age that lasted between Reagan's and Clinton's administrations, socialism was deemed defeated. However, and contrary to popular belief the basic tenants of socialism never died, they have just incarnated into Environmentalism. For the sake of the people (which have proven to not be worth it) and Mamma Earth, the government will decide who gets what shit (Mamma Earth gets everything, you get nothing, and don't cause trouble or Daddy Guvmint will scrub you). To achieve their ends, all Jews needed was an appropriate face to masquerade their violent takeover: A face of a New Hope, a reconciliator, someone in-between black and white. It's almost like they wanted a smooth-talking black dude who Americans would vote for to prove they're not racist but who would create a head-hunting, crazed terrorist group called ISIS and who would turn America into a divisive and heavily-in-debt hellhole...wait.

The Force of the Will[edit]

And prophesy was fulfilled. Two millennia after HIS first dismission |מָשִׁיחַ was sworn President of Earth and quickly awarded Eurofag Seal of Approval. HIS teachings of Jew and tolerance are quickly being implemented by HIS Second Incarnation. So many people have been quoted saying that Jesus was the first socialist, and despite most of them being douchebags, they are close to correct on this one--only Jesus would never force you to be a socialist. Instead, he'd gaze at you with piercing intensity until you are a puddle of shame and guilt and you decide to be charitable because it's not that hard, dammit. Now socialism is going to be implemented like the deeply religious set of Christian Values that it was meant to be in the first place. It will totally work this time. Promise. No one ever did it right before--that was the problem. Yeah, that's it. No one ever did it right before. That's why people suffered and starved. Yeah.

EnvironmSocialism is our future unless we do the Christian thing and crucify Jesus Noir a second time. It seemed to work the first time as we got rid of Original Sin just by nailing him to the trunk of an old olive tree. It is therefore assumed that when Jesus 2.0 gets tortured and assassinated, HE will achieve Christdom once again and we might be forgiven for even more sins like Furrydom, Rick Astley or even Windows Vista.

Only infidels wouldn't take such a deal! Zechariah 13:3

Never forget: Jesus was a Jew, Marx was a Jew, Obama's granny on HIS mother's side is German and therefore Jewish, hence Obama is a Jew Muslim nigger. Scientists refer to this anomaly as a "Chimera", much like Ebolapox.

If succesful the outcome will probably resemble Africa.

What a socialist is[edit]

Have you ever seen a socialist doing something constructive which does not satisfy himself in some regard? Because actions speak louder than words, socialist's lack of solidarity (a tenet of socialism) means they are either lazy or don't really believe what they advocate. Also, socialists always talk about the forceful redistribution of wealth. This means what they actually are saying is that people should be robbed. But as we all know socialists are too slothful to actually rob anyone, so they want someone else to do the robbing: The government. According to socialists, governments were evil throughout time, but after the steam engine's invention the government suddenly became good, and everyone became a saint at the voting booth, but the devil incarnate when they went to the marketplace.

Even modern socialists think this sounds retarded. Therefore they now propose anarchocapitalism, with the exception that they envision themselves going around organized in death squads killing anyone that initiates stock market launches.

Who are the true moralists?[edit]

Some say socialists go around each day and complain about the narrow-mindedness of conservatards, pointing out that they are moralists. But let's reevaluate the facts.

What conservatards want:

  • To limit gay people's right to marriage. To limit society's intrusion upon the sacred tenets of Christians. Incidentally, socialists call it racism when Islam is being discussed within these terms.
  • Limits on late-term abortion and/or abortion on demand. (Can't order an abortion as easily as ordering a Big Mac? The horror!)

What socialists want:

  • To interfere with how children learn (they don't want a child to think independently and not expect the government to fix every booboo)
  • To stop people from becoming rich (unless you're in a mafia union because that's who keeps socialists in power in the first place)
  • To stop prostitution (They don't like competition over fucking the people out of money)
  • To stop Justin Bieber (Conservatards want this too)
  • Pranks. Theoretically, socialists are against bullying and so forth but they like to make fun of everyone who does not fit with their extremely narrow mental frame, such as religion.
  • To interfere with how a couple divides their domestic labor.
  • To throw bricks at people's heads and call it justice.
  • To be uglier than their right-wing counterparts. (Have you seen Rachel Notley?)
  • To forbid the use of sweatshops. (Because they are competition for their unionized crybabies that get paid $30 per hour to put 1 screw in something)
  • To forbid multinational corporations. (This type of arguing against abstractions is convenient for socialists because it means they don't have to lift their asses and do some work)
  • To limit the financial industry (But for some reason they insist it should get money from the government)
  • To limit hiring practices of corporations
  • They think governments know better what type of arts, movies, and television should be created. (They would have said the same thing about books if they ever were government funded!)
  • To not let the most well-suited person get a scholarship or employment but instead give it to someone belonging to a minority group.
  • Socialists are also masculine women and effeminate men because socialist women act out and socialist men are turned on by the beards of 19th-century philosophers, proving that socialist men are all fags.
  • To preach more than any preacher ever would.
  • To limit our creation of carbon dioxide. We are a fossil fuel economy but they want to limit this so that everything can come to a halt and we can be cavepeople again.
  • To limit property rights (Because everything has to be shared even if you did all the work and others did nothing)

Amateur socialists[edit]

An amateur socialist is known for his grumpiness, boring monologues, and unwillingness to work, as long it does not benefit him in the short run.

Professional socialists[edit]

Professional socialists have surprisingly come to the conclusion that socialism is actually crap. That's why they instead write about socialism's bastard cousins:

  • The-anti-growth-movement: The endeavor to stop people from improving human civilization like finding cures for illnesses and finding ways to stop environmental destruction.
  • Anti-racism: The endeavor to hate white people because those bastards are at fault for everything including other people's stupid decisions.
  • Feminism: The endeavor to kill all crotch fruit and hate men [sic!] Also, the endeavor to never shave their armpits.
  • Environmentalism: The endeavor to discriminate against humanity itself (because Mamma Earth is a real person, u guise, and must be worshipped) while being hopelessly anthropocentric at the same time.
  • LGBT-rights: The endeavor to give state subsidy and legal support for gender mutilation, also wants homos to marry in churches, but not in sacred buildings of other religions such as mosques and synagogues.
  • Multiculturalism The endeavor to make everybody one big mongrel race of people with varying shades of brown skin.

Some say this generation of professional socialists will all die a sudden and violent death by the year 2030. This is because they will go on an environmentally friendly pilgrimage to Palestine by bike (Even though it means leaving the countryside which is hard work. See above). When these hippies finally get there, palestinians will hurl pebbles at them when they are biking goofily, which will fuck up the spokes and cause the bicycle to abruptly halt, plunging the socialist into death.

Typical Socialists[edit]

Notice the socialist flag. Socialists abhor those who defend themselves from nigger scum and make more than 20k a year.
"Capitalism is evil" tweeted the socialist from her ipad at starbucks

Infamous Socialists[edit]

Typical Socialist,notice the naruto cosplay.
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