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Socrates

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Opening night of his 1988 World Tour.

Socrates was a famous IRL troll of pre-internets Greece credited with inventing the first recorded trolling technique and otherwise laying the foundation of the science of lulz. He is widely considered to be the most irritating man in history. Accounts of his successful trolls are in the form of tl;dr copypasta on Plato’s LiveJournal. There they have been pwning NORPS for thousands of years in Philosophy 101 classes around the world. Socrates was v& and b& IRL in 399BC for grievous trolling.

Life and Technique

Truly one of history's greatest trolls.
   
 
I am that gadfly which God has attached to the state, and all day long and in all places am always fastening upon you, arousing and persuading and reproaching you.
 

 
 

—Socrates explains trolling

   
 
Socrates was profoundly ugly, resembling a satyr more than a man—and resembling not at all the statues that turned up later in ancient times and now grace Internet sites and the covers of books. He had wide-set, bulging eyes that darted sideways and enabled him, like a crab, to see not only what was straight ahead, but what was beside him as well; a flat, upturned nose with flaring nostrils; and large fleshy lips like an ass. Socrates let his hair grow long, Spartan-style (even while Athens and Sparta were at war), and went about barefoot and unwashed, carrying a stick and looking arrogant. He didn't change his clothes but efficiently wore in the daytime what he covered himself with at night. Something was peculiar about his gait as well, sometimes described as a swagger so intimidating that enemy soldiers kept their distance. He was impervious to the effects of alcohol and cold, but this made him an object of suspicion to his fellow soldiers on campaign. [...] Socrates and his companions are described as going hungry
 

 
 

Socrates was an ugly, smelly, pedophile, that was full of win

Socrates was an ugly and poor man who never wore shoes. He hung around the city of Athens with his posse of gaylords and 13-year-old boys. For fun, he lured pretentious moralfags called sophists (ancient Greece’s equivalent of wikipaedos) into pointless drama by stroking their egos with obviously ironic compliments. After lolling them into a false state of security, he employed the famous Socratic Method of Trolling which consists of the following steps:

This method earned Socrates many flawless victories but also made him many enemies like Aristophanes, a furfag with a thing for frogs, who wrote a play in which a lizzard shits on Socrates's head. After the invention of the internet, The Socratic Method was refined by chantards and EDiots into The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz.

The Republic (Of Trolls)

Lookin hot, lookin sexy.

The Republic is Plato’s lulziest and most dramatic copypasta depicting the classical ideal of win.

The lulz started when Socrates went to the city to ask people a bunch of stupid questions about justice and virtue. He was stopped by some sophists who were aware of what a successful troll Socrates was and demanded to witness his science. When Socrates asked them what justice is, they said justice is whatever the toughest guy in the room says it is because he could just buttsex you until you agree with him. Using questionable logic, Socrates explained that just because you are strong doesn't mean you aren't also a retard. After pwning these sophists with his powers of unwarranted self-importance, Glaucon showed up. Glaucon said virtue is only a glorified way of attention whoring so people will liek you, and the only reason there are laws you should follow was to shut up some butthurt pussies who bawwwed about Team Rocket stealing their pokemans all the time. Glaucon argued that if one could get away with constant acts of injustice without repercussion, it would make more sense to be unjust because one could profit much more from injustice than from justice. Socrates, ever the moralfag, disagreed and said you should be virtuous just cause. However, being obviously intellectually checkmated, he did what any good philosopher would do in the situation. He completely changed the subject and started talking about politics.

To Socrates, the ideal state is like the ideal man. Since philosophers like Socrates are the best kind of people in society, he naturally appoints himself mod of his fictional country. His first action as mod is to permaban all writers of Greek mythology fanfiction from the city because he’s tired of putting up with all of Zeus’s stupid drama. Reading epic and tragic stories teaches people the wrong values because all Greek heroes and gods are whiny, paedo nutjobs. The ideal state must therefore be completely free of their emo faggotry.

With all the old myths gone and all the old books burned, people need a new myth to give meaning to their otherwise pointless and miserable lives and to maintain the order of the state, so the philosophers tell them a "Noble Lie." They are told different people are born with different kinds of metals in their blood and the more precious the metal, the higher the status of the individual. Philosopher kings are born with gold in their blood, the warriors are born with silver, and everyone else is born with iron or bronze.

Finally Socrates abolishes all private property in the city so your bike and everybody else’s bike is the same bike so they don’t even have to steal it. The institution of the family is abolished, so the state arranges phony marriages and then raises your kids for you to breed a superior next generation of philosophers.

Throughout the dialogue, Plato had everybody agree with Socrates on the main points the whole way through creating the illusion he is right. When he is finished describing The Republic, everybody agreed justice is exactly how he described it and the only question left is whether they can do it IRL.

Trial and Execution

   
 
But why ever do some people enjoy spending a great deal of time with me? I have told you the whole truth, they enjoy hearing men cross-examined who think they are wise, and are not; indeed that is not unpleasant. And I maintain that I have been commanded by the god to do this, through oracles and dreams.
 

 
 

—Socrates’ legal defense at his trial

   
 
I have often seen men of some reputation when condemned, behaving in the strangest way, as if they thought it would be a cruel fate for them to die, as if indeed they would be immortal if you did not put them to death!
 

 
 

—Socrates sez DO IT FAGGOT

   
 
Then if I must estimate the just penalty according to my deserts, this is my estimate: free board in the town hall
 

 
 

—Socrates being an obvious troll

The poison that killed him.

After many years of collective butthurt, Athens finally had enough of Socrates‘s snarky bullshit. Socrates, then age 70, was v& and faced the death penalty for being an annoying atheist, “corrupting the youth” and the egregious offense of being an obvious troll. Ancient Greece bans for lulz, much like Lowtax, because philosophy is serious business.

In an astonishing demonstration of lack of troll’s remorse in such unfunny circumstances, Socrates opted for one last kamakazi flamewar. Unfortunately, the genius jury finally found a way to neutralize his trolling method by /muting him and refusing to answer any of his stupid questions anymore. Socrates was convicted by a slim majority with the proposed penalty of death. However, the law allowed him to propose a lesser sentence which could be approved by another majority vote. For his alternative punishment, Socrates proposed he should get free meals at the town hall for life. There were many facepalms. The jury voted again and condemned him to death by drinking poison and Socrates was taken away.

Just before Socrates was to drink his poison, he was joined by his posse of gaylords and 13-year-old boys one last time. They all started to baw because ancient Greek men were very in touch with their feelings. Socrates told them all to quit sniveling like a bunch of womyn because he wanted to talk some more. He then proved with logic that his soul is immortal and heaven is way better anyway. Socrates drank the poison and died. His last words were, "I did it for the lulz."

External Links


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Socrates

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The History of The Lulz

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