God Is Trying To Tell You Something, Sophie
Experts agree that Sophie Delezio is the Angel of Death. The pint sized harbinger first came to the attention of the public on December 15, 2003 when she and another child, Molly Wood, were pwned by a burning vehicle which had crashed through a fence into the child care centre where they were being cared for. Sophie suffered burns to most of her body and lost both feet, some fingers, and her right ear. Instead of yanking the plug on her or misplacing her in a Portugese resort, she was rushed to hospital and treated for her extensive injuries. Months later, she was released from hospital and began her wobbly road to recovery... kind of.
The driver who crashed into the centre, Donald John McNeall, was 68 at the time of the accident. He was cleared of negligent driving before a magistrate's court after medical experts agreed he had had a seizure, although his candid admission that he was "cruising for loli and overdosed on Viagra and Pixie Sticks" was controversially left out of the court's findings.
In January 2006, Sophie was enrolled at the publicly funded Balgowlah Heights Public School. The school was extensively refurbished to accommodate the needs of Sophie. They installed electronic security, an old-man-with-seizure tracing system, closed the curtains and bought her a dog named Tara.
No, God Is Really Trying To Tell You Something
On May 5, 2006 Sophie again emitted the delicious scent of vulnerable child victim that speeding cars find irresistable. While being pushed by her caregiver in a wheelchair with her service dog by her side, she was hit by a car, and thrown at least 100 metres. Sophie suffered a heart attack, a broken jaw and shoulder bone, bruising to her head, numerous rib fractures and a tear to her left lung. She was treated at the Sydney Children's Hospital, Randwick, where emergency department staff reportedly shrugged, said "Why fucking bother?" and went across the road for cigarettes.
She left hospital and returned home to continue her recovery on 7th June 2006. Scientists are currently working on a protective device which, sensing a geriatric senior citizen with a vehicular deathwish, propels her safely into the air with Go-Go Gadget springs. Until then, her family hope to relocate her to the Arctic Circle where she will live in a fibreglass igloo reinforced with kevlar and mattresses, thousands of kilometres from the nearest pedestrian crossing.
In keeping with her hobby of being mowed down by pensioners, an 80-year-old man named John George Sharman was charged in relation to the second accident with "dangerous driving occasioning grievous bodily harm, negligent driving occasioning grievous bodily harm and not giving way to a pedestrian on a crossing".After pleading guilty, the would-be child murderer was in October 2006 placed on a good behavior bond, banned from driving for a year and let loose to find new and creative ways of mutilating burn victims.
Sophie's father maintained that while accidents do happen, reconstruction of the pedestrian crossing in question must be commenced, due to the number of incidents occurring. What he failed to explain is why such a disproportionate number of these "incidents" happen to Sophie. Divine intervention or shitty parenting? The jury is out.
On July 16, 2006 Sophie's story was told on Channel 7's True Stories series.
Sophie Delezio returned to school 20th July 2006. Strangely, to this date none of the other children attending the school are willing to walk home from school with her.
A MySpace has been created at  for those who wish to "support Sophie Delezio and her family". The main page implores that "If you know Sophie's family, please let them know about this group." Essentially, what we have here is someone who is hosting in depth discussions about an 8 year old burn victim and posting pictures of her to the Internet, without her family's consent. GG, "rob from the rich". The forums attached to the group are potentially a goldmine of lulz and the last uncharted territory of Anonymous.