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Special Snowflake Syndrome
Science shows that those who feel insecure about their uniqueness are more likely to constantly assert how unique they are. Of course, anyone can see anecdotal evidence of this claim all around the internet. In some cases, brave individuals manage to rise above and beyond this generic attention seeking by fucking the concept of individuality into the writhing depths of oblivion. These clammy, blubber-cased e-dwellers suffer from special snowflake syndrome, and they infect most corners of the interweb, where they whine about their vulnerabilities and quirks until anyone with more than an insectoid level of awareness e-runs away in fear.
Strains and Vulnerable Populations
Special Snowflake Syndrome is a consuming and aggressive illness that causes sufferers to plummet to Kiki Kannibal-levels of stupidity (if they weren't there already). While its primary host is teenage females, those who catch it in adolescence are more likely to be cured of the syndrome as they realize that they are no more unique or significant than a dandelion in a sidewalk crack. This temporary illness is called Acute Special Snowflake Syndrome, and although it causes cretinism while it's raging full-force, it usually fades away once the special snowflake joins the workforce.
The more serious strain of the disease is called Chronic Special Snowflake Syndrome. This more aggressive form causes the sufferer's torso to slowly bend forward until its head is consumed up its own asshole. This is usually fatal, much to the delight of the rest of the world. Chronic Special Snowflake Syndrome is usually either early- or late- onset; many hosts begin to believe that they're special snowflakes in childhood, while others contract the illness after browsing one too many New Age websites while waiting for their food stamps. Although there have been some reports of people being cured of this strain, most sufferers remain special snowflakes until death.
It is very easy to diagnose somebody with Special Snowflake Syndrome, as they won't hesitate to tell you how special they are as soon as they find an open 'reply' box to post in. Unlike your average Internet narcissist, however, people with special snowflake syndrome consider themselves so 'special' because they have some sort of self-inflicted disability that apparently allows them to demand special treatment from anybody who associates with them, walks by them, or uses the same website that they're using. Special snowflakes fashion themselves as 'victims' while simultaneously trying to tell everybody about how unique they are compared to the rest of humanity. According to those with the disease, they are persecuted because cis- cattle simply can't fathom their levels of nuance and profoundness and so reject them. Of course, they are too blinded by their critical levels of self-importance to realize that nobody wants to talk to people who smell like hot pockets and constantly moan about human privilege. Sufferers also commonly display another equally fatal syndrome, and as both conditions go side by side, one generally summons the other.
Like those in alternative subcultures who compete to become the greatest walking stereotype of them all, special snowflakes battle it out with one another in an attempt to become the 'specialest'. The disease will cause a normally run-of-the-mill otherkin to declare himself an elven princess and whine about trans-privilege and make a recovering bulemic have a "panic attack" every time she gazes upon a picture of food. Those who lack the creativity to come up with an imaginary condition will instead take a regular personality trait or hobby and pretend that possessing it makes them unique. People with Special Snowflake Syndrome are fond of creating new terms for their self-inflicted suffering. For example, wapanese special snowflakes call themselves 'trans-cultured' to separate themselves from the 'normal' weebs.
All special snowflakes are inflicted with severe thin skin as a consequence of the personality disease. Sufferers are offended by things that wouldn't cause even the most insecure concerned mother to bat an eye, such as:
- Being considered 'human'
- Being referred to by gendered pronouns
- Any allusion to the fact that they may be average in any way
- Referral to their significant other as anything other than a 'partner' (even if the relationship is heterosexual and hetero-gendered)
- Constructive criticism
- The suggestion that you can't marry an anime character on the astral plane
- Those who don't consider themselves mentally ill or oppressed
- Pointing out that trans- people do not automatically have more life experience than the average person
Like everyone else on the Internet, those suffering from Special Snowflake Syndrome lack the self-awareness to realize that their beliefs and opinions may not always be correct. This makes simply reasoning with them an utter waste of time. What differentiates special snowflakes from the other wastes of carbon on the Internet is that trolling actually gives them confidence. Special snowflakes manage to write off all of their critics as 'cis- scum' or 'prejudice-enablers', which gives them the justification to dismiss their words as attacks against 'vulnerable populations'. Whenever a special snowflake receives a troll attack, they consider it a sign that they are in a position of power and that their 'enlightened' words are being heard by the evil oppressors. Much like addicts, those inflicted with Special Snowflake Syndrome are unable to be treated or cured of the syndrome until they realize that they have a problem. Luckily, swiftly banning snowflakes upon diagnosis will cause them to retreat back to the leper colony that is tumblr, where they will complain about oppression to people who care.
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