Speed Demos Archive

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Speedrunning is SERIOUS BUSINESS!

A speedrun is the result when a gamer plays a video game a bit faster than an average Let's Play. Now, imagine a whole website that is solely dedicated to speedruns. Well, there is a website. And that is Speed Demos Archive. Typically, a speedrunner would play the same game for days on end while hoping to achieve the world record. To compensate the boredom and the wasted time, they get a false feeling of a world record if they actually beat the record. This very rarely happens, so instead the majority of speedrunners yearn to beat their personal best record. Because everyone would rather watch a mediocre personal record than the world record, right? The videos are played on their original console and the administrator requests a recording of the nerd playing the game with his shit-stained hands to ensure that the bastard didn't cheat.

Contributors and members[edit]

Typical SDA member

Most of the speedrun contributors to SDA are sexless asspies who suck at both at life and video games, but have figured a way to gain a false title on the internet as a LEETMASTER OF [insert game title here]. The players themselves are commonly misinterpreted by the public as having "skills" at a game. But the truth is: most of the speedruns were the result of replaying the game hundreds of times before submission, meaning that the final product is a fluke and not based on any actual skills. The actual, typical outcome of an SDA member playing a game would be far below average. Yes, even lower than Tobuscus or PewDiePie playing a game.

Wersterlobe[edit]

Werster, watching you masturbate

Worsterlobe is an Australian, four-eyed, Pokemon and Sonic geek. He is widely known for having an extremely severe case of USI in the Speed Demos Archive community. He treats his fans like they're a pile of trash, despite the fact that they actually do of the attributes of a pile of trash. Wersterlobe got kicked off of The Sonic Center, and his brother Mike89 tries to stick up for his low-life brother. Oh, and if you ever accuse Werster for tool assisted speedrunning, then Werster will get butthurt and send all of his fanboys to attack you via YouTube, Facebook, or even Twitter! Is now banned from attending the *GDQ events because he's a cunt; although Werster himself has trouble understanding the reason why.





YSG/BlueGlass[edit]

Actually legally blind

BlueGlass is a mentally retarded midget only known for clapping at *GDQ events. He watches nearly all of the runs in the marathon, and he is adored by all of the people watching the streams. He actually thinks he is famous on the internet, but in reality, he is only famous because he is fucked up. The people who are watching him are also fucked up (go figure); every time BlueGlass opens his fucking mouth, they scream in the chat "YSG!!!!! YOLO SWAG GOD!!!!! BASED YSG!!!!! YSG SPEAKS!!!!! YSG > EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!!!!! YSG Kappa!!!!! YSG FrankerZ!!!!!"

Oh, in case if your wondering, he does speedrun. He speedruns Ecco the Dolphin on the Sega Genesis. It doesn't matter in the end due to the fact that his brain is too fucked up to even comprehend what the hell is going on in the game. Everybody in the room and in the chat thinks he has a great commentary over his runs. Too bad he doesn't realize that they're just toying with him and pretending to sympathize his sorry ass.





Trihex[edit]

Insufferable pineapple-headed nigger who is only able to communicate in forced memes. Is pretty bad at Yoshi's Island, but is somehow really popular; likely due to the fact that the average speedrunner has the sense of humour of a 12 year old, and still thinks that someone ending every sentence with $wag is the height of comedy. Also for the novelty of him being black. Is known for his "swag strats", which basically means doing stupid shit that looks flashy but isn't actually fast, which defeats the purpose of speedrunning a game in the first place. Tried to sell modded Yoshi's Island carts with limited success.

Speedruns[edit]

The speedruns themselves are a rough demonstration of the fastest humanly possible way to beat the game. But the visual result is completely fucking lame and bears little to no difference from tool assisted speedruns except the fact that the contributor didn't waste a couple hours of his life saving and reloading states to produce a "perfect speedrun" but instead wasted months of his worthless life reloading from the beginning each time he fucked up.

Either way, the results are the same: extremely lame-looking and style-lacking worthless videos consisting of the player purposely bumping into enemies or committing suicide to "save time" and doing anything but creatively exploring the game, taking on a variety of challenges and beating the game in style.

The site, to the present day, is obsessed with the crappy, FPS title Quake and is first priority on the site. When it comes time for a new speedrun of Quake to come up every last other video can piss off because the site loves it so much even though everyone has seen enough of that game played on the site over 9000 times. And this clearly shows that SDA is very desperate of enhancing their site by abusing a run that they think is actually amazing.

The majority of the speedruns are always filtered with these glitches that bypass the actual game. So instead of actually impressing the audience, they leave a WTF facial expression. Even Let's Plays are more impressive than these horrible excuses of speedruns. Because at least the players actually play the game how it's suppose to be played.

Marathons[edit]

Every year, all of the basement-dwelling homosexuals gather up in one specific place to do a 5+ day marathon of non-stop gaming. While doing this non-sense, the 13 year old boys ask their parents to crack open their wallets and donate to those money-hungry asses. Instead of actually donating to charity, why not donate to a bunch of losers that will donate the money themselves? Oh, and they do these marathons multiple times a year. Joy.

The speedruns they record live are always faulty and has face-cams of them clapping their fucking hands off when they manage to preform a glitch. They also put an "estimate time". So if they do manage to beat the time, at least they have something to feel proud of after the amount of time he wasted. They also give away merchandise when you donate a certain amount of money. Apparently those brain slugs don't realize if you donate something, you shouldn't get something in return. Look up the word "donate", you fucking morons.

The recent *GDQs have experience some flak for banning anybody who says "fuck" or "shit" at least once. Their reason, you seek? It's because children might be watching the stream and they want it to be family-friendly. They will only practice what they preach as long as it doesn't remove any viewership. By their own shitty logic they should also take down the chat that is the equivalent of 4chan's retarded cousin, but they won't do this because they'll lose a shit ton of fans and ultimately, shit tons of that sweet ad revenue.

Stivitybobo Drama[edit]

Stivitybobo, a Banjo-Kazooie speedrunner was at the centre of a shitstorm during SGDQ 2014 when it was confirmed that he and a few others got drunk and had sex with some beta speedrunner named Sam's wife. It's clear that the wife was getting tired of her scrawny husband's micropenis. Afterwards, Stivity sent an apology letter to Sam, which can be read here.


   
 
Good luck with everything in the future, and I hope things work out for you in life.
 

 
 

—also i fucked your wife lol



A car crash of horrors on so many levels.

SDA on YouTube[edit]

   
 
The runs you see here don't contain any tool-assistance. They are all done in real time on console/PC.
 

 
 

—Speed Demos Archive, manipulating blind fanboys.

They even have their own JewTube account. There, they upload all of the shitty speedruns. They are recently excessively uploading the videos that were from the AGDQ marathon. Because you know, why watch the world record when you can watch a "speedrun" that is most likely faulty with a face-cam of all of the basement-dwellers? They also monetize their videos. Which shows that the bastards who are hosting the channel are gaining the Jew Gold from all of the speedrunners busting their asses to make the speedruns. The same thing is happening with World of Longplays.

SDA on Twitch[edit]

Speedrunners customized their keyboard to have this key when they make the tiniest mistake.

If you thought that the scumbags wasn't already utilizing enough video sharing sites, they decided to go on Twitch. Just like all of the money-hungry Jews, they place ads on their streams. But instead of doing something different and actually regarding the meaning of "variety", they just play good 'ol vidya games. Whether it is Sawnik, or Pokemon. They most likely never bring anything new to the table.

If they make one little mistake in their "speedrun", they must reset. Since the majority of the viewers in the chat spam "RESET" every two seconds. Goes to show how mature the fan-base really is. But instead of dropping the fucking controller and realizing how much time you are wasting, they insist to keep on speedrunning the same games over and over again. Because that's all they are good at.

Oh, and don't make fun when they fail at a certain part. Because they will ban you from the chat due to their autism.







Chibi and Caveman[edit]

Caveman at SGDQ 2015. Note the rat stache, greasy hair and overall look of a basement dweller.
Little did he know he was buying condoms for the rest of his life.

Everyone knows speedrun events are for autistic and socially awkward losers who have a passion for eating just as much as they have a passion for speedrunning games, but there exists in the world more severe autism than speedrunners. This was never showcased better than at the SDA-sponsored SGDQ 2014, when an entire room of fat, sweaty, smelly Asperger's patients were made awkward and annoyed by the embodiment of dumbassery, ChibiSRL, a 25-year-old autistic Christian furfaggot with a fetish for Vaporeon and the honorary Dark Lord of Autism. "Hoodie Guy", "Chubby", or simply "That Guy", Chibi was a fat fucker who came to SGDQ uninvited and announced he was bringing condoms. To add on to this he joined in with the speedrun of streamer CavemanDCJ, a man whose mustache almost makes up for his safeguarded virginity, despite being completely uninvited and having no idea who Caveman was. For over an hour Chibi sat on the speedrunning couch as close as possible to the mustachioed streamer, snapping off unfunny comments, jokes that went nowhere, and awkward half-jokes-half-flirts about wearing CavemanDCJ's fast pants. Oh my. The dark wizard Chibi cast his spell of annoyance and distraction across the entire room until Caveman had enough; with one phrase he shut down the sorcerer and ruined his life; "I would really prefer if you would be quiet." Chibi's spell was broken and in a figurative sense Caveman had just fucked him in the ass, didn't give him a reacharound, then fucked his girlfriend and mom simultaneously. Chibi was permanently branded to SGDQ 2014 and was death-sentenced to be a socially awkward loser even by socially awkward loser standards for the rest of his life; apparently, he'd always been this way, by his own admission. Maybe he should've brought the moon collar with him. The entire incident was captured on film and embedded into the webbing of the Internet for eternity. Here's the raw, unedited visuals of that day.



Chibi Strikes Back[edit]

Chibi was not helpless, however. Following SGDQ the dark lord struck against Caveman from the safety of his mother's basement (literally). His counter-attack to Caveman's verbal raping was to bitch and moan about it and try to get sympathy because of his autism. By now ChibiSRL had cemented his autism as being eons ahead of typical speedrunners. Following this the dark lord attempted to rebuild his empire and eReputation by becoming an official speedrunner too, resulting in continuous defeats for the autismic prince, including getting bitchslapped by his mom, verbally, on stream and getting pizza raided, much to the relief of a random guy who escaped his autistic clutches. After cheating in an official speedrun and being banned from SGDQ, AGDQ, and all other official speedrun events, Chibi continues his petty reign of retardation from the fortified compound of the same basement, fighting off haters and trolls with his adept insults, anger, and defense of LGBT rights and gay marriage, keeping Twitter as his only contact with the outside world.

How To Troll Speedrunners[edit]

  • Say that they use tools when they complete a speedrun.
  • Poke fun of their ugly appearance, and rub it in on how they are still a virgin.
  • Tell them that they are wasting their time for being nonproductive.
  • Spam "reset" in the chat on Twitch when they make the slightest error.
  • When they actually achieve a world record, spam them that it was just a fluke.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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