Spider

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Spider birthing process

Spiders are eight-legged creatures from the arachnid family that are related to pubic lice and scorpions. There are thousands of different species of spiders and even though not all of them are poisonous, all of them do bite. So be wary, as you are never more than 3 feet from one.

Spiders prefer dark places, like your bedroom or vaginas, and tend to hide in corners and other places you never clean. Most will descend slowly from their webs into your mouth while you are sleeping and every year over fifteen will get in your mouth and hold a big party, mate, and lay eggs, which will hatch in five minutes. The feisty young will later burrow deep into your trachea, mate, and lay eggs again in a continuing cycle to colonize your entire alimentary canal.

Spider Types[edit]

  • The average spider: Wear a perpetually surprised expression. This is because spiders watch most of your daily activities and just don't get where you're coming from.
  • Daddy longlegs: Although they're not actually spiders, they share the intense dislike of people, and an appetite for human flesh. Some people believe that the "Daddy Long-legs" spider that lurks in your corners is harmless. What these people don't realize is that this is really one of the most poisonous fuckers of them all -- however, its mouth is too small to get a proper bite on some human skin. You never know though. Still, kill them just in case.
  • Sydney funnel-web: One bite and you're dead in 15 minutes.
  • The Brown Recluse: Live to be around forty years, grow two feet long, and have a gestation period of nine months. Unlike most spider bites, which are fatal, the Brown Recluse's bite triggers an instant orgasm in all mammals.

Videos[edit]

Typical Brown Recluse Bite
Spiders on drugs

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]


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