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St. Louis

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MOST DANGEROUS CITY IN AMERICA!
Now with more Tornadoes!
Take that, Detroit!
All your skyline are belong to Francis Slay

Saint Louis is a city in eastern Missouri (moar like "Misery", amirite?) populated by screaming niggers and and their fat white overlords. Prior to the erection of a coat hanger, it was called the Mound City due to the strange and mysterious mounds of dirt piled in nearby Illinois by Indians who disappeared for the LULZ.

St. Louis City is separate from St. Louis County, so they are two different counties identified easily by what part of town looks less like shit. But as anyone who's ever been to Ferguson knows, there ain't no real difference.

Contents

Weather?

Don't be alarmed to see every once in a while the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man use the Old Courthouse as a buttplug for his hemroids when it gets cloudy like this.
   
 
WHAT DA WEATHER GON BE?!?!?!

RAIN RAIN RAIN COLD AND RAIN. THIS IS ALWAYS TRUE. ALWAYS.
 


 
 

St. Louis weather varies from 2 feet of snow in the winter, to six inch hail that can smash your fucking skull right in during the spring, to 110 degree heat in the summer.

Environment

Flooding is common, especially now that the United States Army Corps of Engineers have fucked with the natural order of things by creating levees, flood walls, letting the river dry up, and other man-made eyesores so that rich cunts can build a house in a place that until a few years ago flooded every 7 to 11 years in accordance with the natural cycle of the rivers.

Being that St. Louis is on the edge of Tornado Alley, so called "experts" will pin the occasional EF-5 that rips through town on Global Warming, Climate Change, the Apocalypse, but never on the doings of the Army Corps of Engineers who will encourage you to build your home in a flood plain where they may need to blow up the levee someday to save some rich cunts house by destroying yours.

The 22 April 2011 tornado tore across North St. Louis County. Had it started it's trek 1/2 mile north of the airport that it hit, it would have made North County a very quiet place for a very, very, very, very, very long time thanks to the irresponsible radioactive waste disposal efforts of the Mallinckrodt Corporation (now part of Tycho Industries).

For years, the USACE (and before 1997, the United States Department of Energy) has slowly (like paint-drying-while-watching-the-grass-grow slow) cleaning up the radioactive byproducts dumped north of downtown St. Louis, in Madison, Illinois, and especially in Hazelwood near Berkeley as part of the Formerly Utilized Sites Remedial Action Program (FUSRAP). The largest section of FUSRAP according to TOW is in North County, and as an extra bonus, it was put at one of the WORST places anyone could think of putting a radioactive dumping site: next to a creek. But not just any creek.

Coldwater Creek is a creek that literally snakes around North County's largest city, Florissant. So for years, people who were hanging around the creek exposed themselves to radium, thorium, uranium, and all sorts of terminal-cancer-iums. The best part what when remnants of Hurricane Ike in 2007 flooded parts of Hazelwood, Florissant, and Black Jack spilling Coldwater Creek into homes, apartments, businesses and parks along the banks of the creek. Who knows if the water was contaminated or if the many thousands of people who visit Florissant during the Valley of Flowers event return home slightly more radioactive than when they showed up.

The best part is that when the EPA was doing the clean up, they let the Mallinckrodt folks haul their radioactive shit to the Westlake Landfill in Bridgeton thus making it a radioactive dumping site along St. Charles Rock Road just a few miles upstream from Florissant's waterworks that supplies North County with all its water.

There's no plastic barrier or levee or plans to move that shit elsewhere, so the next times it floods, the Missouri River will be carrying with it the delicious taste of Thorium into North County's water supply making that issue where a lot of member of the McCluer North Class of 1990 suing FUSRAP for not telling them "don't play in the creek, you'll get cancer" seem like nothing.

HEY, EVERYBODY! The trash oxidating around it is catching fire, making it more radioactive! Yay, for environmentally responsible landfill management!

Transportation

Mayor Francis Slay

Due to cutback by the Metro Transit system, the best way to get around town is by psychic levitation since Metro does not go to nearby Madison County in Illinois (for fear of being sued), St. Clair County in Illinois (for fear of black people), St. Louis County (black people), St. Louis City (Mayor Francis Slay...oh and black people), Jefferson County (rednecks), Franklin County (rednecks), or St. Charles County (Lori Drew and rednecks), you cannot take the bus or train anywhere.

Because the transit system is bullshit, travelers usually enjoy the airport with the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG runway that is 8 miles long. They can also enjoy Union Station, a train station that became a mall, but it now just a mostly empty building. (YAY PROGRESS!)

Architecture

Paul McKey has a plan for North St. Louis, but the niggers who live their don't want it. So the primary architectural feature that sticks out most in the city are abandoned vacant houses that have been boarded up, set on fire, or left to literally crumble so that plants can reclaim the property. But even that won't convince them to allow for redevelopment because Paul McKey is a honkey.

It would be wise to put barbed wired on anything made of copper near your home, unless you want the copper fairies to visit. The will steal it from schools and even their own church.

Also, for some reason, half of the buildings north and south of Downtown St. Louis are painted with a message in graffiti stating that "Redd Foxx Forgives", which is quite peculiar as the meaning is a mystery to White people and fans of Sanford and Son.

Educationz

The childrenz in the city theyz not be learning. School board is shit. The parents act like 13 year old boys and 12 year old girls.

L. Ron Hubbard tried to take advantage of No Child Left Behind in 2003 by attempting to offer tutoring to childrenz who kan't lern guud. But they got busted by a local whistle blower.[1]

Ironically, St. Louis is the home of Wash U, probably the best university in the Midwest. Everyone in attendance rightfully gets the fuck out of Missouri when they graduate.

Crime

North St. Louis City has the most violence. Some criminals are dumb enough to go into St. Louis County where an undercover cop is likely to kill them for carjacking, robbing 16 year old girls or just being a dick. Contrarily, if they do make it back into the city, the news chopper records their well deserved ass kicking, and it becomes a civil rights issue. Nevermind that the black guy shot a police officer, stole somebody's iPod, and raped some kid. LAUDY! DAT BEZ OPPRESSION AND POWISE BWUTAWITUH!

When Pokemon Go came out some of the local thugs figured out how to use the video game to lure in potential victims. Since then other thugs in other places have started to use similar tactics, but St. Louis pioneered this technique of stealing someone's goods and pokemon at the same time. That's right: St Louis is the birthplace of the real Team Rocket.

Corruption in the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department has occurred in the past few administrations.

Former Police Chief Joe Mokwa bailed his daughter out of jail right about at the same time the Police got partyvanned by the FBI for the cars they impounded. Mokwa resigned.

Now the new Administration is being watched by the FBI at the same time the city wants to be set free from state control that the SLMPD doesn't want fearing the pensions would be affected.

But Commissioner Vincent Bomarrito didn't care. He used his power to bail out his son who was arrested for public drunkenness at the St. Louis Mari Gras celebration on March 13, 2010. Bomarrito resigned.

WARNING! NIGGERS WILL KILL YOU!

With School being out and nothing on TV, groups of niggers from North EVERYWHERE St. Louis City have decided to go hunting for other niggers to kill and a few white people as well. A meeting by local leaders as to how to fix the problem yielded the reason why niggers kill lately. One response was "Boredom". The killings lately have been break-ins, but no valuables were stolen--the objective seems to be just to kill.

Here's a short list of things that will likely get you killed, raped, or otherwise beaten by the cops.

  • Playing the "Knock Out Game" with people in South St. Louis, especially when the MOTHERFUCKIN' MAYOR CATCHES YOU DOING IT! (Seriously!) Not so seriously, if one of your friends doesn't snitch on you you get off scott free.
  • Robbing Hipsters at the Delmar Metrolink Station.
  • Mugging some trust fund kid at Washington Univeristy or St. Louis University.
  • Shooting Wildly for no fucking reason in the air causing at least one teenage girl to be killed in the process.
  • Burning down the same 20 city blocks so that the bricks and copper wire can be sold at a salvage yard, over and over again!
  • Beating your kid to death, then leaving their body to rot in a park, then calling the cops hours later to say that your baby is missing. (It's like they got Encyclopedia Brown working there sometimes. They'll find out that you killed them in your postpartum depression rage.)
  • Bringing your Gun to a Club in the City, getting drunk--even though your friends say that you are the type of drunk that goes into a rage--, ignoring your friends advice, get into a fight and shoot someone.
  • Going back to that same club the very next week after getting out of jail then doing that shit again!
  • Kicking the guy's ass for closing down the club. (I feel for you, but you're doing it wrong! Take him where there aren't surveillance cameras then kick his ass for shutting down your favorite watering hole!)

ATTENTION NIGGERS: THE COPS ARE TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT WILL KILL YOU ANYWAY!

Starting as of late November 2010/early December 2010, the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department will be much harder to shoot at. SWAT team style police will be showing up in the hood. If you shoot a cop, you better kill yourself. If you shoot a kid in a freak stray bullet accident, you better kill yourself. Kill a future athlete, scientist, or other person trying to get out of the hood, you better kill yourself. Because if you don't, the cops will come and kill you. The offer to kill yourself will expire on 5/21/2011 10/21/2011 12/21/2012 when killing yourself might not be an option. (UPDATE: Nope. Still good until further notice. Doing so before 1/20/2017, however, is highly recommended.) So form a suicide cult. Make some kool-aid and fry that chicken and eat your watermelon before the cops, the white man, or JEE-SUS kill you. Because from here on out, unless you were the best runner on your high school track team, the po-po will have their big guns out and not even a Kenyan can outrun their shit!

Ask Michael Brown how that turned out.

Jobs

In your grandparents days, St. Louis was home to many industries, including aerospace, automobiles, chemical manufacturing, telecommunications, and trade.

But that was then. Today, most St. Louisans aren't even qualified to work at the local fried chicken restaurant where they spend their welfare check. Since the recession in 2008, many places have fired all their 16 year old girls and hired a lot of middle aged women who used up their 401k at the various Casinos in the area. But hey, gambling supports edjewkayshun, amirite?

One of the biggest supporters of the unemployed has been Missouri State Senator Cynthia Davis, and owner of a Christian Bookstore, who serves as chairwoman of the Missouri House Special Standing Committee on Children and Families think that if hungry children want to eat, they should get a fucking job.

"Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can’t they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator. What is wrong with the idea of getting a job so you can get better meals? Tip: If you work for McDonald’s, they will feed you for free during your break."[2]

The most popular job in the St. Louis Area at the moment appears to be Registered Sex Offender.

Just about everyone who lives here is a Registered Sex Offender.

Awful Shit That Has Come Out of St. Louis

"Bitches don't know I'm from St. Charles."
  • Megan Meier and Lori Drew
  • Bill Mitchell
  • BishieCon - The only Yaoi and Slash Convention in the Midwest. We apologize.
  • Archbishop Cardinal (WTF?!) Raymond Leo Burke
  • Highway 40
  • ShitCrap Transit System
    • Shit on the shit transit system! Grand Metrolink station is covered with bird shit and niggers! Of course this station is being redesigned because St. Louis University wanted something better to look at.
    • The Transit system has recently been upgraded from Shit to Crap thanks to Proposition A after some retard from the St. Louis Tea Party name John Burns though it would be a better idea to have Metro pay disabled riders money to buy a cars instead of raising money to restore the transit system. A sudden outbreak of common sense occurred and the proposition passed nearly 2 to 1. Some argue that the passage of this proposition would help disestablish the Tea Party. Apparently not, because Roy Blunt was elected Senator, and several pre-emptive tax measures were passed, and funded by Tea Party and Libertarian supporters including Rex Sinquefield.
  • Bosnians (It turns out Bosnians like rap music.)
  • Nelly
  • Chingy
  • Huey
  • Jibbz
  • Michael J. Devlin
  • Cedric the Niggertainer
  • Randy Orton
  • Rams- Considered a youth league team in Kansas City.
  • Budweiser - Now owned by Brazilians who own a multinational brewing company from Belgium. Thank August Busch IV for selling out America.
  • Monsanto - World Headquarters in Creve Couer where their plant scienes division creates Frankenfood then jacks up the price of seed such that the rest of the country has to pay $8/lbs for beef! They are to the agriculture industry what BP is to the oil industry, and look how well they care for the environment.
  • AT&T - Formerly Southwestern Bell but now that AT&T is in control, they'll cut off your Internet Service in the middle of the month before you even get a chance to pay for it. Fucking 2Wire Modems also suck!
  • St. Louis Tea Party - KFTK 97.1 FM has created a legion of trolls
  • Robert Lowery, Sr. - Former Florissant Police Chief and Former Mayor of Florissant in North St. Louis County. Used to work for the local Major Case Squad. Is mayor of a city with 1/6th the population of St. Louis City, but gets paid 3 times more than St. Louis Mayor Francois Slay. Works 4 hours per day, sleeps most of the day, is paid a six figure salary. Hires a $50,000 bodyguard out of fear that terrorists might kill him. "Doesn't drink anymore." Once a outstanding cop, now a paranoid old man. In December 2010, Bob Sr. announced that he would not run for mayor at the next election citing "the evil political system". (Actually, he probably read this article exposing his dirty little secret in this paragraph. Hi, Bob!)
    • Robert Lowery, Jr. - The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Bob, Jr. used to be the City Administration for O'Fallon, Missouri, before he tried to usurp a local wildlife area that was popular for hunters and fishermen. Bob, Jr. wanted it in hopes that it would be accessible for the urban sprawl that St. Charles County has. Needless to say, the owners of the area, the state, and the people who frequented the area were not too happy about that. He was fired. Bob, Jr. now works for the Obama Administration for some organization for Law Enforcement. Hopefully he will never come back to St. Louis and fill his dad's shoes.
    • Tom Schnider - Bob's Toadie. Ask him where $170,000 of the city's budget went, who Tammeria Patrick is, and why Bob was so eager to get the fuck out of town.
  • Phyllis Schlafly - Cunt does not begin to describe her. GIGACUNT might.
  • The "Get a Brain Morans!" guy - He's probably part of the K&N Patriots now.
  • Joe Buck -- His dad (Jack Buck) could run circles around him.
  • Bob Costas -- Someone says he's 4'11" and get's pissed off when you say something about it.
  • z107.7 any radio station other than KSHE 95, 88.1 KDHX, and MAYBE 105.7 The Point - Typical corporate bullshit radio station that plays the same Justin Bieber song over 9000 times a day.
  • Freeman Bosley Jr. - Former mayor of St. Louis City, now an ambulance chaser. Gets off on suing Metro. Brought the Rams to St. Louis. (We are currently waiting for Los Angeles to take them back.)
    • Freeman Bosley Sr. - Old man thinks he is Redd Foxx. City alderman for North St. Louis City where most of the buildings are abandoned, crumbling, or set on fire so that niggers can steal the brick and copper. Part of his egotism centers around the fact that his son was mayor of the city (until he was kicked out of office). The city is debating on letting go of one of the aldermen due to the mass exodus. Bosley Sr. should be that guy.
  • Bob Cassilly - Founder of the City Museum and many other local community projects. He wanted to turn an abandoned cement factory in North St. Louis into an amusement park called Cement Land in a supposed attempt to make North St. Louis less of a shithole IN YOUR DREAMS, N00B! Fortunately, God spared us of this terrible idea and Cassilly died in a rollover mini-bulldozer accident. If that wasn't dramatic enough, Cassilly didn't have a will and his widow was kick out of her loft inside the City Museum.
  • Albert "Sellout" Pujols (Albert Who?) There are plenty of reason Pujols should be listed in the "Used to have" section, but at the end if the day, his listing belong here. Used to play for the St. Louis Cardinals, and was one of their most famous players. Albert has one of the best batting averages in the current roster of Major League Baseball. Unfortunately he's also apparently part Jew since he went to play for LA recently because they offered him $250 million as opposed to the $220 million St. Louis offered him. What he fails to realize is that LA and California's taxes are about 5 times higher on everything than in St. Louis, so that extra 30 million will all be gone in the form of taxes anyway. Have fun driving a prius! He's also HARD RIGHT Christian Conservative like his former boss Tony La Russa--who also recently retired (and belongs in this section too) on account that Puljos and La Russa wouldn't meet up with Black Jesus with the rest of the 2011 World Series Cardinals due to the fact that they still want to become Fox News commentators some day--especially in the next few years for Pujols when he conveniently pulls his back out. By that time, he should stop pronouncing his Ns (like "man") like GNs (like "campaign").

UPDATE: Now that Carlos Beltran is raping fucking ass it turns out that we have absolutely no need for Albert. and we're not going to be paying Beltran 250 million dollars to jack off in the dugout while the rest of the team plays defense for the next 10 years.

Cool things to come out of St. Louis

  • Meth
  • Strippers on the East Side - Can't have them in Missouri anymore due to some Kansas City faggot named Matt Bartle.
  • Vincent Price
  • Chuck Berry - That's right. He's on this list. He's earned it.
  • St. Louis Cardinals - The only franchise that can post a winning record. Also, arguably the greatest trolls in Major League Baseball.
    • Mike Matheny and Carlos Beltran >>>>>> Tony Larussa and Albert Pujols
    • David Freese
  • Fighter Jets, thanks to being world HQ for McDonald Douglas Aircraft until it merged with Boeing Defense. It is still the largest producer of high tech war machines meant to kill Jawas
  • Fred Teutenberg, Owner of Fred's Cheapo Depot. Does a humorous segment in the morning on the radio station 1057 the point where he reads craigslist ads posted by sick fucks from the area. used to do commercials for another liquor store called dirt cheap, but since then they have replaced him with some anthropomorphic chicken lady with big breasts.
  • Toasted Raviolis and provel cheese. if St. Louis does one thing right it's the pizza.
  • Schlafly
  • KSHE 95 - One of the few radio stations left that consistently plays good, or at least decent music.
  • Ice cream cones
  • The Magic House > City Museum
  • Lions Choice Dry as fuck, overcooked roast beef.Tastes like eating geriatric labia.
  • Antonio D. French - Representative of the 21st Ward of St. Louis City, you would think black people would be happy that one of their constituents would be representing the O'Fallon Park neighborhood. Apparently not. While he has championed efforts to crack down on crime in North St. Louis City and building a community center in O'Fallon Park has made many trolls very unhappy calling him "Uncle Tom" by accusing that these actions are to push black people out of North St. Louis City like what happened in South St. Louis or the Pruitt-Iago Projects from the 1960s. Unfortunately, when you represent a group of people who drink Kool-Aide and Soda before 10 AM, your going to run into a lot of ignorant people who will still eat a bucket of fried chicken even after their doctor has told them to stop because it is causing their heart disease.

Cool Shit St. Louis Used to Have and why they are gone

  • Classic 99 (KFUO-FM) - One of the few classical music stations left in the United States. Replaced with some Christian Music Station. (There are plans to start up a new Classical station as an HD Radio Channel, but when was the last time you saw an HD Radio at a Best Buy in St. Louis?) UPDATE: There still is hope that our city is not completely devolving into uncivilized apes! Since you won't find an HD Radio at the local big box, you can find them on SHOUTCast!
  • Population figures over 400,000. People move either to the suburbs, Columbia, or Kansas City The outer counties, St. Charles County (Ask anyone in St. Charles County if they used to live in North St. Louis County or Florissant. They'll probably say yes and explain that they left because of the "influx of crime") and Jefferson County.
  • Schweig Engel - Mike Stein and a couple of black guys had made some humorous commericals back in the day for the infamous retailer.
  • Pete E. Parisi and World Wide Magazine - Pete's died too soon and Charter Communications would rather air Scientology infomercials on public access than show this classic cable access program.
    • Maximum Velocity - Steve on Wheels is still alive, but Charter kept fucking with the Cable Access Schedule making it about as accessible as a wheelchair going up a flight of stairs. Best. Modern/Alternative. Rock. Show. Ever. Boobs were shown. And there was much rejoicing.

Places to go, People to see

ProfessorFarnsworth.png Good News, Everyone!
The buses are now running again, and if your lucky you will meet plenty of darkly skinned folks who will panhandle on the bus, at the bus stop, at the train station, even on the train.

  • The MetroLink can take travelers to popular destinations nowhere Shit places especially since Highway 40 is under construction rich people don't ride the train so it goes places like Westport, Creve Couer, Ladue, St. Charles where poor people can't walk or take the bus to find the "Jew Gold" because people are generally kind to each other and accept people for who they are greedy bastards who don't give a shit.

St. Louis City

Downtown St. Louis

You will know you are in Downtown St. Louis by the constant smell of natural gas and piss!

  • The Gateway Arch - A great place to celebrate America, kiss a woman in between the legs, and--"Hey, man! I was just let out of prison and need moneh to bah food. Can you give meh $5?"
  • Busch Stadium home of the St. Louis Cardinals--and "hey man could you give mah soem change. I need moneh fer mai diabeetus medication. Can you give meh soem moneh so I can get soemthin tah eat?"
  • Kiel Savvis Scottrade Center --Home of the St. Louis Blues Hockey Team. At 14th and Clark, there are several things here that are more hopping than this place. St. Louis City Hall, St. Louis Police Department, the Amtrak Station, The Post Office, and the 14th and Spruce Metro Transit Center, which is outdoors, meaning that while you wait for the bus, you get to stand out in the rain, snow, heat, cold, and of course the local pot smokers who blow smoke in your face while panhandlers try to sell you socks and Pepsi from a dufflebag. "It's for a good cause, man. Buy it. I have this Snicker Bar that I will sell you for $3. Man, forget you, man. You never buy any of my shit. It's cause I'm a black man, isn't it? Man, can't a nigga..."
  • Laclede's Landing--Where white people go to get drunk at a Blues Festival in September. It used to be home to Mississippi Nights, but then some asshole thought it would be a cool idea for drivers on I-70 to go flying off the interstate into a giant video screen where some attractive woman will try to convince you to stop by the Casino Lumere for some of the cake she is eating and to gamble away your welfare check. You won't see her at all in this building as the only people there will be your chain-smoking grandma and--"Hey, you wanna buy a watch so I can get my car fixed?"
    • Eads Bridge -- You can walk across it. To Illinois. Or you can just jump off.
  • Union Station No shops there anymore. Niggers ran them out--especially the ones that make their 8 year old children sell skittles for their fatass parents at 10PM at night. "You betta appologize to mai daughter! Buy her candy or I will yell rape! Mmm, hmmm."
  • Washington Avenue --Lofts owned by upper class cunts who own a dog but live on the third floor. Mayor Slay does not like it when your black friends come, get drunk, loud, and shoot up the neighborhood. Otherwise, the club they hang out at will be forced to close and lose their liquor license...meaning they will have to go someplace else on the street to get drunk, loud, and shoot up the neighborhood. Now the niggers have decided to carjack and steal from people. Your best decision is to not make any black friends.
    • City Museum --Some old building that suffers structural problems constantly because the white people can't bring their fat, autistic 13 year old boy to not fall through the concrete floor without making loud creaking sounds, and screaming like an idiot louder than the other spoiled rotten children who are dropped off there.
    • The TWA Edward Jones Dome - Home of the St. Louis Rams. We apologize.
    • St. Louis Centre - A Seven Story Mall right in the heart of Downtown St. Louis on Washington Avenue, built in the 1980s...and demolished in 2010. Not even putting the Metrolink stop for the Edward Jones Dome in front of the mall could save it. Thank's for the eyesore, Vince Schoemehl. And also--"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKIN' MONEY OR I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! Thank you, now I wills go bah my some lickah, watamellonz, and fried chicken...right after I kill you for crack money." BANG! BANG! BANG!

Elsewhere in the city

  • Forest Park where there is free admission to most museums--and get your car stolen even though you were a NORP who locked your car to keep thieves out.
    • The St. Louis Zoo where white people bring their rotten screaming kids to scare the animals.
    • The St. Louis Art Museum where white people bring their angsty artfag friends
    • The Missouri History Museum where you can get arrested by the museum curator for refusing to surrender your family's arrowhead collection or where you found them.
    • The St. Louis Science Center where white people bring their aspie friends to a place where white people bring their rotten screaming kids. Also, the place hasn't been as great since they removed the atmospheric exhibits with a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.
    • The Muny - Where white people take their gay friends.
  • The Missouri Botanical Garden - South of Forest Park near The Hill and South Grand neighborhoods. Be sure to stop by Gringo Jones while you are there. Many weeaboos converge here for the Japanese Festival on Labor Day Weekend. You have been warned!
  • The Hill
  • Cherokee Street
  • South Grand -- For a neighborhood that is considered quite liberal and accepting of gays, Middle Easterners, and Vietnamese, the place seems pretty cool during the day. I can't imagine what could possible wrong wi--"KNOCK OUT GAME! BONK! HIT HIM WITH THIS LEAD PIPE, LEON! Aw, shit! Da mayor saw us smash dis crackas head in! RUN!"
  • The Grove -- Gayer than South Grand. If South Grand is about as gay as Anderson Cooper, then the Grove is about as gay as that beefcake-looking bullqueer wearing nothing but a rainbow flag speedo passive raping everyone as he girates his junk in front of everybody at a gay pride parade in San Francisco. Fortunately the gays have spared us of this nightmare at the St. Louis Pridefest that is held every June.
  • The Fox Theatre -- The Indoor Version of The Muny and the Verizon Amphitheater. Super-gay. The city of St. Louis has a final solution to the Fox Theater that the theater doesn't like: Reopening the Keil Peabody Opera House.
  • St. Louis Public Libraries --Downtown Central branch is closed for the next two years. It's the big old building at 14th and Olive...but you will probably know what building it is by white people freaking out like a closed KFC in a black neighborhood. On the other hand, the park that is in front of the library is where the potheads are.
  • Central West End -- Hospitals. Always under construction. Hey dawktah, mah udda dawktah say I gots me sum fubromiggula, can I have summudat dilated tah help muh pain?
    • St. Louis Cathedral Bascillica -- Jade colored roof. Murals on the ceilings. Church leaders who won't defrock pedophile priest, but oh they want to shut down a Polish Church for money. Of course, everyone at that church was excommunicated and will continue to be unless the Archdioses gets an apology from the Polish for not surrendering their church to pay off their settlements by butthurt (literally) rape victims.
  • The State Streets Think everywhere in South City is safe? Think again! If you park on one of these streets when you go to cherokee street to get some Mexican food, you might just come back to find your windshield broken and your stereo, GPS, hubcaps, even your chihuahua missing. It's probably in Cahokia by now after they stoll it to cause some shit in Bellville like a drive-by or steal some white kid's windshield wipers. (Did we mention they might be doing heroin? Crack's espensive!)
  • Dr. Martin Luther King Drive This is the section of St. Charles Rock Road east of Lucas-Hunt Road near Normandy High School renamed in honor of the slain civil rights leader that goes through Wellston and St. Louis City. If you EVER wind up on this street...well...nice knowing you. MLK Drive is home to the Boyz of Destruction and the Horse Shoe Posse, two of St. Louis' most infamous gangs...unless you're white then you've probably never heard of them at all. They shoot at each other (and anybody in between them) just for fun, and when they're done at the end of the day, they'll go smoke some crack together like nothing happened.
  • Delmar Boulevard - The BBC and other British old media have been making some documentaries about St. Louis and how Delmar Boulevard is the dividing line between rich white communities to The South of Delmar and a poor black communities to The North of Delmar. (If you haven't seen any of it, search Jewtube.) It isn't so much of a sordid history that polarizes the City and the County. Until the 2011 when the Missouri Legislature redrew the congressional boundaries that for years were based on old Jim Crow ideologies where until 2011, North City and County were represented by William Lacy Clay in the 1st Congressional District while everyone south of this street were represented by Russ Carnahan in the 3rd Congressional. The state legislature eliminated the 3rd District in hopes to have one less liberal in Congress. Much of Carnahan's district is now part of Clay's district. While most of the exurbs that Carnahan represented grinned and beared with being part of the new 2nd District (represented by Todd Akin Ann Wagner), 8th District (represented by Jo Ann Emerson0, and 9th District (represented by Blaine Luetkemeyer), most of whom are content that their Republican representation turns a blind eye to their mobile meth labs and instead keep black people--and the white people who live in the same neighborhood as them--in check by telling them that their "freedoms and liberties" are being threatened by Black Jesus as they try to flood the city with bath salts. But none of that matters right now as the Tea Party Republicans have created a Lulzfest pitting an incumbant black representative with shady ties to the payday loan industry against a guy who looks like Butt-head from Beavis and Butt-head. Liberal groups on Facebook have been divided between angry black people who don't trust Whitey and angry white people who won't kiss their black asses when they campaign in the hood for Carnahan or take any shit from RACIST NIGGERS who've been making statements like "white people only voted for Obama to prove to their black friends they aren't racist" or "white people are going to exclude black people from the election like in Ohio and Florida" or "Don't trust dem honkeys. They'z gonna kick you out of the hood and put-in a Whole Foods in the next 10 years." As the election draws closer, the more the ultra-left black people who come out of their mom's basement claiming that white people are making up lies. Suddenly, they think they are Malcolm X or some shit. They've even defended the payday loan industry that's been stealing their fried chicken money that Clay supports. They don't know any better. But they'z gonna vote for Clay cuz they not voting for a white man to take over his office. Meanwhile, in the UK is jizzing in their pants to see the results of the election as to whether they get to make more documentaries about how poor and dilapidated things look in the city, or if they should just go back to making documentaries about Detroit.

St. Louis County

Charlie Dooley doesn't just close the pool, he closes the whole damn park and 26 others!
   
 
Park's Closed OPEN
 

 
 

—Charlie Dooley

You will know you are in St. Louis County when you walk into a neighborhood, even if it is run down with criminals, and it doesn't smell like shit or look like crap!

Just a quick reminder to our colored readers: The Po-Po show no love. So tread with caution.

The guy who holds down the fort in the unincorporated parts of St. Louis County (at least where there are people with money) is Charlie Dooley, the County Executive of St. Louis County. Throughout this section, we'll mention some of his accomplishments. But his most recent accomplishments have some folks in the County thinking his 15 minutes are up.

For instance, in November 2011, Dooley revealed some bad news that the county is going broke. So, Chuck decides the best way to save money in ways that won't keep the county from going into the red, he states that no less than 27 county parks will need to be shut down as well as all three county pools. The concern is that shutting down the parks will lead to the selling of the parks later in the future to build more crass overdevelopment like in neighboring St. Charles County.

Included in the 27 furloughed parks is Lone Elk Park in southwest St. Louis County known for it being an Elk Preserve.

If that wasn't bad enough, after two straight winters of heavy snow due to ManBearPig, the County street department that is in charge of Snow Removal, will not plow anyone's neighborhood with less than 2.5 inches of snow. So if you are reading this and are in unincorporated St. Louis County, if there happens to be 1.5 inches of snow, and 3/4 inch of ice or sleet on top, you're fucked! Better start lifting some weights, Bro. Cause you're going to be plowing something this winter and it won't be your mom!

UPDATE A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense was released by the County Health Department into the St. Louis County Government Building. Instead of closing the parks, the County Jail will increase the rate they keep out of town criminals in the county jail from $30/night to $55/night. It will inject about a few million bucks into the county budget.

North St. Louis County

North St. Louis County - Heroin! Come and get your heroin! Assuming the cops don't kill you first to get it! Note that TOW calls north county's population "one of the most racially diverse in St. Louis County".

It turns out the darkness has been manufactured over the years by the local real estate industry.

Spanish Lake

Once a beautiful diverse neighborhood, now 80% Section-8 housing. Much of it in part to the disrespect by the local real estate industry including Gundaker and Coldwell Banker. Sometime in the early 2000s, the Church of Scientology moved into this neighborhood to set up Applied Scholastics just off of Columbia Bottoms Road. Although driven to dilapidation, nature's reclamation of much of the east side of this unincorporated town has made it a serene getaway from the rest of the area. One that has been threatened many times by idiotic land developers who want to put a casino in a protected wildlife area with in feet of poverty and manufactured white flight. Often this serenity is disturbed by the discovery of dead bodies near the river or ultra-violent black-on-black crime. A documentary is being developed at this time exploring how the white man invited the most niggerly of black people to move into Spanish Lake and ruin it forever.

Black Jack

A buffer between the darkness in Spanish Lake and the real estate industries next darkening project, a.k.a. Florissant, Black Jack was originally a whites only community named for the Black Jack tree, but now it lives up to being just as black as Spanish Lake, Dellwood, Moline Acres, Bellfountaine Neighbors, Jennings, and Riverview. Technically, all that really is Black Jack are a couple of street corners along Parker Road in between Old Jamestown Road and that strange intersection at Old Halls Ferry Road. Black Jack is home to the North County Recreation Complex. It was formerly an Ice Skating Rink, but then Florissant and Hazelwood got rinks. The complex now hosts a Basketball Court. Don't be surprised to see a Megachurch constantly under construction near Jerries and Parker. One with stadium seating. Just like in the City of St. Louis, you will find these nice churches built by the donations of the poor people in the surrounding community who can't afford to fix their own homes because they keep donating money FOR JEE-SUS!

Berkeley

Thanks to the Mallinckrodt Corporation, much of Berkeley west of I-170 is now off limits as it has become a toxic waste site. After nearly a quarter of a century, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is finally cleaning it up. This makes it a great neighborhood to sell to darkies if you are a real estate agent. Or it would if the residents (both white and black) had not known about the plans by the local real estate industry to let Berkeley fall into disrepair like neighboring Kinloch. Thriving and working with fellow communities like Ferguson and Dellwood, Berkeley is making efforts to not be like that other Berkeley in California. Not even putting a Hustler novelty shop will stop them from retaining white people. They are able to do this because the cops in Berkeley will nail your ass for going over the speed limit. If you ever find yourself going to Berkeley's Municipal Court, bring a lawn chair. A line queues outside the door almost daily.

Kinloch North Park

Decades ago, Kinloch used to be one of the few prosperous black communities. Which to white people, was a problem that needed fixing. So crack was introduced here by the great American patriot, Ronald Reagan, as a final solution to the blackness that threatened Berkeley and Ferguson. By 2000, the Kinloch Police Department wasn't even strong enough to make sure people weren't killing each other, So St. Louis County Police moved in and took over the neighborhood. Around that time, Charlie Dooley became County Executive, and like any black community assuming that "We has a brother in charge now who will make changes that will benefit the African-American community (PRAISE JEE-SUS!)", Dooley had awarded TIF money to some real estate developers who plowed down most of Kinloch in 2003 to make way for a corporate office park called North Park which to this day has yet to be built. Most of the people from Kinloch have moved to other parts of North County, which has triggered white flight to St. Charles County.

Ferguson

The radio is selling Ferguson as "a hip new place". Basically, Kirkwood will become like Ferguson. They've already contributed to the destruction of the black neighborhood (Kinloch) to make way for white people to move it and for black people to live somewhere white people won't. And--HOLY SHIT! SOME KID GOT KILLED BY THE COPS! Rioters, looters, the National Guard, and of course the Social Justice Warriors have taken over town. Of course, NONE OF THESE PEOPLE LIVE HERE! But they sure do like picking fights with the incompetent police force.

Florissant

Where most of the black people from Kinloch moved. Still white. But you can't seem to stop by St. Charles County without some white person saying "I used to live in Florissant". Your disabled and high friends will enjoy the righteous judgement of the Florissant Police Department. Disabled people will be accused of being drunk and be tased. But if you are high, drunk, and abusive, the FPD will write you off as a NORP.

    • There is now a wild baboon that was allegedly cited to be in the area. However the Florissant police found out that the girl who started this hoax did it for attention. Still, the likeliness that a baboon is in this area and will rip off your face, rape you, and give you AIDS is extremely high, so be alert.
Hazelwood

Home of the Bigfoot monster truck. That's just about it. There are two UAW union halls, but no Ford Plant anymore to recruit more union members, because that's how Ford rolls when they take local money and send it to make shitty cars in Detroit.

  • The Mills St. Louis Outlet Mall -- Opened in 2003 on a floodplain. By 2013, it will be over run by rednecks trying to find ways to fuck the stuffed deer in the central display inside Cabellas, and eventually it will end up like a redneck version of Jamestown Mall, Northwest Plaza, and the Galleria. Changed it's name in 2012. So our prediction seems to be about spot on at this point.
St. Ann Santa Anna

Once a proud center of commerce, not even sunlight can make this part of town not look gloomy and rundown. It was once home to Northwest Plaza. Then about 15 years ago a Wal-mart was constructed. Niggers moved in. A woman was kidnapped (later found murdered). Spics moved in to that part of town to set up their business of selling broken shit. The once mighty shopping center closed down, to which Wal-mart announced MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Now that their TIF tax credits are about to expire with St. Ann, Wallyworld is trying to move to one of the nearby communities to repeat their carpetbagging without paying taxes for the next decade.

Update: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Walmart is now in Bridgeton to collect more resources for the Zerg hivemind.

Bridgeton W1W Airport Runway

Much of Bridgeton has been replaced with an 8 mile LOOOOOOONG landing strip that was to be used to "boost the local economy with trade between China". Apparently, civic leaders haven't let go of that foolish assumption and are still trying to push this idea that isn't going to happen. It's not enough that we pay the Chinese through our consumption of goods at Wal-Mart. Why don't we just give up this town for in exchange for beads and SARS laced blankets? It worked so well for the Indians, amirite?

  • Riverport UMB Bank Verizon Amphitheater --Across the street from a landfill. Where Pointfest is held twice a year. Mosquitoes will eat you like a whore's pussy. It's not all bad though. Pigeons took a shit on Kings of Leon and cancelled the concert after three songs. However their fans were not thankful for sparing them 90 minutes of a guy singing like a mumbling aspie and demanded they come back because they are fucking stupid.

Bridgeton has also become Mexican like St. Ann. Once Best Buy moves out of town, there won't be any reason to go here.

Also home of the Westlake Landfill. Mmm...tasty thorium contaminated water.

Charlack

A municipality of North County where the mayor decided to be a complete Jew and put speed cameras on I-170 so if you go slightly over the speed limit you get a ticket in the mail. the most fucked up part about it is, regardless of who was driving the car, the owner always has to pay the ticket. but hey, it's for public safety, right? we didn't put these there because we wanted revenue or anything like that, we just want to prevent accidents! Honest!

UPDATE: they've finally decided to remove these cameras, however there are still plenty of bored pigs on this part of the interstate who will happily write out of town crackers a nice 500 dollar ticket any time they can, so be warned!

Bellefontaine Neighbors

Another place that many white people who live in St. Charles or South and West County will say they used to live. Those people will insist it's pronounced "Bell-fountain", however errrrrrbody know it bez called Beelfawntane. Like Florissant only much, much worse. This is basically what Florissant will most likely be like in the next 5-10 years.

Other North County Communities

North County has like 83 municipalities, for no damn reason. So here's a short list of the rest of the ones that actually matter.

  • Jennings --Used to be like Ladue. But then the jungle bunnies from Floridell Hills moved in.
  • Pine Lawn --Same story as Jennings. The cops ride around on golf carts.
  • Normandy - It's hard to believe that such a nice looking neighborhood is so black. At Normandy High School, you can go to the Nurse's office and somehow walk out with AIDS. True Story. The strange part is, most of the kids in the school district aren't that sexually active.
  • Wellston On the City/County border. The Wellston School District collapsed in 2009 and merged with neighboring Normandy School District. So Normandy catches Wellston's FAIL, and Wellston catches Normandy's AIDS. It's a win-win for everybody, right?

West St. Louis County

West St. Louis County is the Most Affluent of the St. Louis Counties, and most easily butthurt.

Maryland Heights

West County's bitch, primarily because it touches North County. (That makes them unclean like Olivette and Overland!) Once a thriving business center complete with a Gold Skyscraper and small shopping center for all the 1980s people to hang out, the mall is now empty, the office parks are mostly vacant, and the majority of the commerce that goes on in that area is at a Casino build in a floodplain on the West Side of town. The surrounding communities build a freeway through the much beloved Creve Couer Lake Park. Now, they are trying to build a Wal-mart next to the park.

Creve Couer

Creve Couer is French for "Broken Heart" which is what you will have after visiting it. Creve Couer is where the Jews in Overland moved when the Asians kicked them out. Interesting enough, Creve Couer is also home to the world headquarters of Monsanto where they make all sorts of poisons that kill people. Of course, they're down with that. It's not the first time someone tried killing them with a deadly gas. They recently built a Jewish recreation center out there. Instead of calling it "The Y", they call it "The J".

Overland

Overland used to have a batshit insane Mayor who abused her power back in the 2000s. But if there is one thing you never do in Overland is stand between a Jew and his money. And there are a lot of Jews in Overland. Not as affluent as their bean counting brethren in the rest of West County, Overland is what happens when some Jews try to take a town that looks like present day Bridgeton, and tries to make it look like Florissant. In other words, it looks pretty bad.

Olivette

Olivette or as it is pronounced locally "O-RIV-ETTE". China is here Mr. Burton. If you fail at being Jewish (that is, your broke), chances are you live here with every Chop Suey cook in town. Olivette readily supplies North St. Louis County with fatty Asian food. The plans seem pretty subtle, but clear: To fatten up people for the slaughter to be bread as pigs then eat them.

University City

Plenty of Thai restaurants here, your sinuses will know it. Unfortunately, the smell has no effect on Scilons who have set up shop on the west side of the Delmar Loop. It also has no effect on hipsters either.

  • Delmar Loop--Beware of hipsters! And the Church of Scientology on the west end of the Loop. Also, watch out for niggers at the Metrolink station, especially the ones that shoot you and your friend for no apparent reason other than being mad that they don't have enough money to get Church's Chicken CLOSED AS OF MAY 2013.
    • The Pageant--Where you can see that band that you liked ten years ago, or the band that will be forgotten 10 years from now and only remembered by hipsters. The Pageant is probably the worst small venue in the area. The first reason being that it's over crowded by Hipsters, who, despite the fact that smoking is banned, they love to light up their American Spirits that they bought next door at HSB Sunshine Daydream with a fake ID, and occasionally the weed they put in the Djarums they got from there as well. Because of this, good bands will only play here once every 3 years or so. Oh, and good luck parking within a mile of the fucking place without the hipsters mentioned above smashing your car with their 1995 Volkswagen. Unless you MUST see the band that's playing here for whatever reason, see your shows at Pops.


Clayton

The Government heart of St. Louis County where they serve subpoenas and balongia sandwiches. Also, BishieCon is held here. All the rich people live in lofts now...or at least they are suppost to because there is alot of new skyscraper real estate but nobody moving in. There is rumor going around that Il Vicino and World News (Nope. Still there.) have closed up shop. The Curse of Lopez strikes again!

  • The Curse of Lopez started back in 2003 when some drunk illegal alien from Mexico named Sergio Lopez crashed his uninsured customized SUV into the Il Vicino restaraunt at South Central Avenue and Maryland Avenue. The asshole also had a custom windsheld with the name "Lopez" in Gothic lettering, yet some how he still got access to this really nice vehichle though he wasn't paying taxes and never was picked up by INS or ICE until that day. Apparently, his accident has jinxed much of South Central Avenue. He could have killed two people who were eating lunch at a dining table outside, but fortunately for Lopez nobody was hurt. Reguardless, the curse manifest itself and emerged again when the restaurant caught fire and then got flooded out by a water pipe. It is believed that Lopez's ride had a hex put on it by a dangerous gypsy bruja. Of course, this could all be just concidence.
Richmond Heights

More like "Richman's Heights"...or at least it used to be. Richmond Heights is home to the Galleria, a dying mall that rich people used to shop at, now it's on the verge of going out of business because shoplifting is so bad. Your car may get a little visit from the hubcap fairy, especially if you park in the garage. And if you take the Metrolink, the niggers will likely kick you ass on the way to the Metrolink stop, even more so if you're gay and work at the Galleria.

Brentwood

Part of the reason I-170 does not go all the way down to I-44 is due to Brentwood. They got lulz when I-170 was built through part of Kinloch and Berkeley, but when they found out the interbelt was headed their direction, they stopped laughing. To obstruct the highway project, the folks in Brentwood built all sorts of industrial and commercial areas to stop the road from going through. Now that there really isn't much industry or as much commerce these days, Brentwood is considering letting the Interstate go through, especially since they infected themselves with a Walmart.

Ladue

More like "LaJew". Much of Ladue is fenced off from the public. A rot iron fence separates us from either several possible things: A. Big titty rich girls running around naked. (Although they would be implants.) B. The alien mothership of all the local Jews in the area, like in They Live. C. A human holocaust camp where people sold there freedom to be part of some obscure sexual fetish ritual that even Anne Rice wouldn't even write about. Whatever is beyond the gates where, its not being disclosed. Perhaps they are planning the next 9/11. The Ladue Police Department is on a mission to keep anyone who isn't a Jew or white out at any cost and when you pass it on Highway 40, you'll notice that they have a giant concrete wall on both sides of the highway completely blocking any view of the area, almost like a fortified military base. This is most likely the real reason Highway 40 went under construction in the first place as all the construction actually did was make the road even shittier for everybody else.

Frontenac

Like Ladue, it is where the Old Rich Cunts live. The new rich cunts live either in West St. Louis County or Lake St. Louis. The ORCs have a shopping center called Plaza Frontenanc, which is where Sarah Palin spent a shit load of money at the only Neiman Marcus in the area. Across the street from that is St. Louis County Library, Headquarters branch. Though in recent years the book collection and the workforce has been downsized.

Town and Country

If you buy a house here and bitch about why there are so many deer in the neighborhood, then why the fuck did you move out here in the first place? The problem was so bad, city council members voted on whether or not bowhunnters could hunt deer in the rich suburb. But as usually, Buffy didn't want some middle class deer hunter from Hazelwood killing Bambi. Because the dear ratio was 25 deer per 1 dipshit, T&C authorized the hunt. So to all you rich cunts who caught swine flu on your trip to Mexico in 2009 instead of catching Deer Flu in 2007 on ward, you can thank the Hazelwood Hunters for saving (if not relatively) your life.

Also for some reason, T&C has the only known INDOOR Metro Transit Center. There's just one problem with it: NO BODY FUCKING USES IT! There are people in Berkeley, North St. Louis, and Downtown who are freezing their asses off just to catch the bus, and the only indoor transit center is in the most affluent part of town. So fuck those fuckers!

Chesterfield

In 1993, much of Chesterfield was underwater due to a flooded Missouri River. Today, overconfident honkies have reinforced the levee, and build a strip mall about two miles long anchored by a Wal-Mart. All of it BUILT IN A FLOODPLAIN. But Whitey doesn't care. It's pretty! Chesterfield used to be home of the St. Louis County Fair and Air Show. But White People are stupid. And decided to build their McMansion about two miles from Spirit of St. Louis Airport, a smaller air port than the oversized underused Lambert in North County. But when the Blue Angels come to fly and perform aerial tricks in a jet flying at the speed of sound, you bet some rich cunt who has just moved in to the area is going to complain and ruin something fun for everybody. Also, Jane Cunningham lives out here. It was probably her who bitched about it considering she bitched about some belly dancers who were promoting the 2010 Census. Somebody buy her a copy of Footloose and a pair of those rubber testicles everyone hangs on their truck in that area.

FOLLOW UP: It turns out Mrs. Cuntingham endorses child labor, especially undocumented child labor that makes a lot of old men who love little girls feel so good.

Des Peres

More like DISPAIR! Revamped the mall out there. The only time you should go there is during the St. Louis book fair in early May. Also, the intersection is completely fucked up going southbound on I-270 to get to Manchester. It was intentionally designed to keep people from North County from visiting the mall and finding the Jewgold.

Manchester

Manchester AKA "Manjezzdurrr". Home of the only Best Buy that sells musical instruments in the area. They're now complete with a Wal-Mart. Most likely though, you won't get to either of these places without sitting on Manchester Road for about 5 hours stuck behind some Sand Nigger in a 1987 Carola driving in the middle of the road, swerving between lanes, and going 20 miles under the speed limit. He will most likely be on his way to any local retail outlet zo he gan get a deezgound.

Ballwin

Ballwin --More like BAWWWWWWWwin. If you move here, don't be surprised if your 16 year old daughter starts using heroin. Also this is where Tessa Vanvlerah is from.

Ellisville

Formerly a place that required no recognition, Ellisville has been home to a lot of drama lately between Mayor Adam Paul, and the local scumbags that were elected City Council. In 2012, Paul was impeached by the city council because he opposed the establishment of another Wal-Mart by a big box construction group know as Sanstone. Not pleased that Paul was sticking up for the apartment dwellers living in the area where Sanstone wanted to put the Wal-Mart, the white bread counsel sought to ouster Paul. Paul and his lawyer and much of the town opposed the counsels behavior. But the St. Louis County Court allowed it, then overturned it a few months later with Paul (as of June 2013) now back in office, but for the Wal-Mart but only if Sanstone would fairly compensate the apartment folk before kicking them out. Sanstone doesn't want to do it. Thus, Paul won't give the final OK for the Wal-Mart which is pissing off the counsel.

Then on June 14, 2013, one of the butt hurt counsel members decided to go all Daniel Brandt and post on a the website EllisvilleTruth.com under the screen name "adampaulsuckscock". That counsel member was Matt Pirrello who got busted by a local news reporter.

We will be following this drama as it unfolds.

Wildwood

More like "Wildhood"! Wildwood is the newest "city" in St. Louis County, if you can call it that. Apparently, some white people wanted to move as far away from niggers as possible, so they incorporated a large chunk of St. Louis County along the Franklin-St. Louis County boarder, much to the chagrin of the people who lived there. What you basically got now is a city like Ballwin only slightly more rural, and because it was a new town where there's virtually no black people, a shit ton of stay at home soccer moms moved in believing that they're rich, and passed this mentality on their kids, whom they let do whatever the fuck they want. Fast forward the clock 10 years later, these same kids are now fuckheads who sell boxes of Sudafed to the local meth dealers in Franklin County and get 100 dollars a box for it. And rather than have the cops actually fucking do something other than take radar eat donuts from the BP paking lot at 109 and 100, the mayor decided to make Sudafed available by prescription only! Makes a whole lot of sense, right?

Kirkwood

Home of the Magic House and the Imo's that kidnapper/sex-offender Michael J. Devlin worked at when he wasn't raping little boys. It's also home to a few other sick fucks, like a couple of men who kidnapped a disabled teenage girl and used her as a sex slave AND PUBLISHED THE PHOTOS OF THE GIRL IN A BSDM MAGAZINE! But like Florissant, Nothing bad ever happens in Kirkwood. Pay no attention to the niggers that live there Niggers? There's no niggers here. Pay no attention to those niggers behind the Walmart that we build in the Meecham Park neighborhood through eminent domain. Yep. Kirkwood is white. WHITE! WHITE! WHITE! Nothing bad ever happens here. Our police officers are perfect! The folks who live here are Big Friendly Marshmallows.

Typical day at the local community college.

  • Webster Groves -- Home of Webster University. Also home to a lot of rich cunts who expect you to give a shit about their community. Basically it's the rich part of Kirkwood.
  • Crestwood -- Home of Crestwood Plaza, another dead mall.
Sunset Hills

Kirkwood's Bitch. The Novus Corporation cleared out much of the city for some Eminent Domain project that never happened because by the time they were done blighting the neighborhood, the corporation ran out of money. Fortunately, a tornado wiped out the rest of the town on New Years Eve 2010.

Fenton

Near the Jefferson-St. Louis County border, this town experiences flooding everytime it rains. Why? Because someone (possibly white) built a town in a flood plain along the Meremac River. Basically Fenton is Chesterfield when you replace all the Old Rich Cunts with white trash. Also it's home to St. Louis County's Social Security office so if you're wondering why you see a line of cars filled with black people in such a redneck area when you're trying to go to one of the stores out there, that's likely why.

  • Valley Park -- Nothing to see here, just a few gas stations and some shitty neigborhoods. Just about everybody who lives here does meth, including the fucking mayor Here's a fun idea: blindfold your friend, take them down Marshall road, and tell them they're in East St. Louis. They just might believe you.
Eureka

Eureka is where everyone from Times Beach moved after they found out the dirt was contaminated with Dioxin. Going westbound on I-44 is a fucking nightmare, and if you go south on Missouri Highway 109 to the Jefferson County half of it, the roads are even worse.

  • Six Flags Over St. Louis -- Despite being in Eureka, niggers from the city and north county take the bus here to join the local rednecks in taking their annual bath at the water park. Some argue that Six Flags is shit. Shit compared to being lucky to go there without being fucking killed just passing by the place! Many car accidents have claimed many families' lives on the stretch of I-44 outside the amusement park, generally because some Truck Driver cuts them off. It doesn't matter if you drive a small car or a big fucking conversion van. People die. Perhaps it is a conspiracy by the Jews at Disney to make you spend $10,000 to go to California or Florida. Perhaps its because the roads are shit. Perhaps it's because the local rednecks are always high on meth when they drive. Whatever the reason, it's not worth killing yourself to go out there.
  • Times Beach Route 66 State Park -- Probably more fun than Six Flags. Does this look like a lump to you?

South St. Louis County

South St. Louis County is best described as anywhere between I-44 and the Mississippi River. The majority of it is unincorporated because it's really just an obstacle put there to make it harder for St. Louisians to go to Jefferson County to get their Meth fix. Nothing to really see here. A new casino was built here, just south of the City-County line, and already one of it's venues has closed up. Yet the owners of that casino wanted to build another casino in North County or North City. Fortunately, the state gaming committee has told them to go eat a dick. Lots of Bosnians live here.

  • Maplewood - Only one thing keeps this bullet point from being yet another scathing satire or criticism of a crappy town: SCHLAFLY BEER! If you came to St. Louis for Budweiser, you are going to be disappointed. Stop by the Schafly Brewery instead.
  • Rock Hill - Like with Sunset Hills, a perfectly good neighborhood was tore down to install a perfectly worthless strip mall. Fortunately, the folks down there are making sure that the people who though it was a good idea never work in public office again.
  • Grant's Farm once owned by former President Ulysses S. Grant. For a man who lived, got drunk, kicked the South's ass, kicked the Mexicans' asses, and became president, the chap died penniless. The farm was bought up by the Busch Family, is home of the Budweiser Clydesdales, was part of the Anheuser-Busch property until August Busch IV sold the company to some Brazilian who owned a Dutch beer conglomerate called InBev. The fate of the farm and the Clydesdales may be the glue factory.
  • Jefferson Barracks National Cemetary - On any given day, a group of Westboro Baptist Church protesters will be there to cause heartache and anti-Lulz. Using them for target practice for you 12-gauge shotgun is currently not advised. So other trolling techniques are recommended.
  • Mehlville Where white trash shoot each other in the face over their weed.
  • Oakville - Where semi-rich hockey moms drive their big ass Yukons around thinking they're hot shit because their husband makes 80k a year to pay for her botox and lipo-suction. If you're from Chesterfield or Wildwood you'll feel right at home here.
  • Afton - Home of Fred's Cheapo Depot.

Shopping at the South County Mall? Say Hi to Patrick Hayes (FIRED!) who will gladly show you the back of his St. Louis County Police car if you happen to be anything but white, like most of South St. Louis County.

St. Charles County

If you live in St. Charles County and are reading this article, you are probably thinking that you're immune to this scathing article. Think again! Many of the people living in St. Charles County are gutless cowards who used to live in St. Louis County, thus there is an extra special section in this article just for you!

Naturally, it should be reiterated how many people from St. Charles County are from Florissant, Hazelwood, Bridgeton and other parts of St. Louis County who now live in St. Charles County. They still work in St. Louis County, they just don't live here any more.

Urban sprawl is epidemic in St. Charles County. They now eclipse St. Louis City and County as the Missouri's largest polluting county, and they are expanding into neighboring Warren and Lincoln Counties. They practically have no mass transit system. They don't want to establish one. They fear more niggers will move into their county, unaware that most niggers own a big-ass Cadillac Escalade that they bought with their welfare check and can DRIVE to St. Charles County, generally to drop the dead body they have in West Alton since they know if they drop it off in Florissant, the Florissant Police and St. Louis County Police will kill them.

St. Charles County residents are the primary cause for traffic accidents on I-270 between Page Avenue and I-70. Despite building two alternative arteries for them to go to St. Charles County on their afternoon drive, their instinct is to still drive like assholes and cut off people driving on I-270 AND to cross the double-white lines painted on the road to prevent them from doing that and weaving in and out of lanes.

Also, a shout out to the folks at the United State Army Corps of Engineers for creating a wall of dirt around St. Charles County, some of it may contain coal ash produced by the folks at Ameren UE. If you wonder what that is and have a glass of water, YOUR DRINKING IT!

  • St. Charles - Losing money because they can't get anyone to go to the Casino or the Family Arena. If only there was a light rail transit system in the next county to bring people to those things. There is, but why build something that will bring dark skinned people to our virgin white county?
  • St. Peters - The only successful mall left, but it also has the largest Hot Topic in the St. Louis Area, so fail.
  • O'Fallon - Tea Party. Nothing to see here.
  • West Alton - Nothing out here. Just a gas station and some birds.
  • Portage de Sioux - DESU!
  • Orchard Farm - If anyone remembers that show on the CW a few years ago called the "Farmer Takes A Wife" or something or other, it was filmed here. An BTW, Orchard Farm is only three miles from St. Charles, and if there was a bridge or ferry, it would have quick access to Florissant. So yeah, that show was about as fake as that girl's boobs.
  • New Town - Yuppie scum build a new town in the wetlands. We can only hope a flood wipes out this "New Urbanism" bullshit.
  • Cottleville - Undeveloped housing from the housing crisis of 2008. Why not ask your neighbors of a cup of sugar? Oh wait. They only built ONE HOUSE in your subdivision! Yours!
  • Dardene Prairie - Say Hi to Lori Drew!
  • Augusta - Winoes and Hipsters who saw Sideways. So yeah, you can nuke this town from orbit.
  • Weldon Springs - Why didn't they build a sound wall here to keep the sound from Hwy 40 I-64 from scaring the fish?
  • Wentzville - If you moved here from Florissant some time after 1993, you are are a coward and should kill yourself. Technically this is 50 miles outside of St. Louis, but given how the next county over is being urbanized, it will become St. Louis, only without a mass transit system, so niggers will have no choice but to steal your car since you couldn't provide them a ride to work.

Franklin County

Not a whole lot to bash here. But if your producing meth, what's there to dislike? Well, the power company, Ameren UE, for starters in Labadie. Like with St. Charles County, the folks at Ameren would like you to start your day by drinking two glasses of water...and cadmium, and lead, and coal ash, and something radioactive that you can't remember the name of it. Here, when they dump coal power plant waste in Labadie, Portage Des Sioux, Festus, and a few other places (maybe if you're extra good, something special from the Callaway County Nuclear Power Plant near Jefferson City) into a landfill next to the Missouri River, the folks in Chesterfield, Florissant, St. Charles, and St. Louis will get a chance to taste some of that good carcenogeny goodness when the spring floods occur in March through May. "Mmm! Dis some good Cancer!"

Think this is some satire? No. You are probably drinking it! Of course, Ameren doesn't want you to say their name at the next town hall meeting about them and what they are doing to your health. That's a lolsuit! So wake some lawyers up and say it at the meeting! AMEREN UE! AMEREN UE! AMEREN UE! AMEREN UE! AMEREN UE!

DA East Side

MetroEast Illinois is a great place to live if you want you tax dollars to be jacked up because of those Spics in Chicago controlling the state's spending in Springfield. Don't bother asking for help from the state. You can thank Rod Blagojevich, Mayor Daily, and their predecessors for fucking it all up.

When you leave St. Louis going east on I-270, you will be in for a culture shock (assuming it hasn't been overdeveloped yet). The roads are rural, and in many cases--once you get off the interstates--really crappy!

FUN FACT: Madison County, Illinois is known as the Lawsuit Capital of America. Most of these lawsuits are frivolous and have nothing to do with the environmental quality or health effects from the various industries in the area like Oil Refining, Chemical Manufacturing, Steel Milling, or the abandon coal mines that many of the small towns in the area are built on top of.

  • Alton --the most haunted city in America. They also have crack dealers. Find an MCT bus. This place is also home to Fast Eddies, which is a great place to get drunk so you can forget you live in the shit holes mentioned in this article.
  • Wood River -- Oil Refineries and Steel mills everywhere! Light a match. See what happens. Also, have some of the water. Tasty, right?
  • Edwardsville --Home of SIUE. Get's their water and air from Wood River. Such is the case with just about every other town in Madison and St. Clair Counties who live east of the Mississippi River where you'll find Oil Refineries, Steel Mills, and Coal Processing plants/coal mines sully the environment.
  • Collinsville Home to the Gateway Center, where weaboos have their anime conventions occasionally. Other than that there's nothing really to see here. Just keep driving.
  • East St. Louis Across the Mississippi river in Illinois. Home to many strip clubs, Casino Queen and "Hey man, can I clean yo winsheeld fo fie dallahs? I needs some new shoos." Driving through here at night is not recommended, because the niggers out here do not give a fuck whether you're white, black, asian or whatever; they WILL jack your car, make you give them all your possessions you have on you, and shoot you execution-style.
    • Club 1212/Club Legit/Club Fresh Can't go there. No bus service, but plenty of ratchets.Where?
  • Sauget - Formerly known as Monsanto, Illinois, because this is where Monsanto made all of their toxic shit years ago. They renamed it for PR reasons.
    • Pop's Nightclub and Concerts A concert venue that's actually decent when a good band plays there. At the very least it's a fucking hell of a lot better than The Pageant. The gas station next door is where east side niggers go to spend their welfare checks on the Illinois Lottery and bet on the horse races playing on the TV's inside.
  • Washington Park Arguably the most dangerous place in the entire St. Louis Metro area aside from Martin Luther King Drive downtown. Commonly mistaken for Somalia, Washington Park has lots of strip clubs and lots of niggers. The mayor of Washington Park was found dead in his car last year, on April Fools day of course.
  • Fairview Heights Where you can work at one of those "Rent-to-own" stores that niggers love to shop at, only to have your boss hold you down and jack off in your face. The good news is you can sue the company for $95 million afterwards. There must be a LOT of niggers that come in there, because despite being sued for $95 million, you still see commercials for the place this happened at.
  • O'Fallon --named the same as the other O'Fallon for the lulz.
  • Belleville --If Kirkwood was in Illinois, this would be it. The town has undergone some growing pains in the past decade from black people from elsewhere in St. Clair County committing their crimes, to Illinois Nazis/Klanies setting up shop. A good 25 miles outside of St. Louis but far more accessible via Metrolink than anyplace in St. Charles county thanks in part to the folks at Scott Air Force Base.

Outside of the City and County

  • Jefferson County -- If you are thinking of moving to Jefferson County, there is one important thing you should know: BROPFS HAS DOUBLEWIDES FOR $29,995! You know you want to go there. They got meth.

See Also

Sauces


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