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From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Breaking news!|
Good Old Games actually lets you own what you buy, has no DRM, and it has an optional Steam-type online service!
|Initial release||September 12, 2003|
|Available in||25 languages|
is a digital dictatorship, commonly known as an online distribution platform, used to allow people to rent video games, related media and even non-gaming software. It is developed by Valve, a company that was founded by two former Microsoft employees, and this amazingly didn't raise any red flags.
Initially the software was developed because Valve wanted a better way to update their mods, as they had done with Counter-Strike. As development continued, Valve realized it's platform could be used to constrain and control its community. This also opened the door for opportunities such as enforced product marketing and forcing unwanted downloads onto users' machines.
Before the initial release, Valve worked tirelessly to hype its gibberish to other companies, hoping some would be dimwitted enough to promote their dictatorship. Valve had little success but development continued anyways, during this time the release date was always uncertain, and working titles included "Socialism v2" and "Money Extraction Tool".
Rise of the dictatorship
To advertise their newly developed monstrosity, Valve partnered with companies such as Gamespy. Video game developer and publisher PopCap Games was lured to the platform, a company that established itself by creating ripoffs of old 2D arcade games. In a stroke of luck for Valve, the gimmick worked and thousands of shortsighted individuals where attracted to the digital dictatorship, and much like the iPhone, developers in turn followed, hoping to make a fortune. Steam is now the deciding factor in which indie games will become winners or losers.
Steam is a Rental Store Pretending to Sell Games
According to the Terms of Service all media purchased on Steam remains the property of Steam. Steam only grants buyers "usage rights" which means that they can use, watch or otherwise interact with what they paid for but they can never actually own it. People are shilling out money for what effectively is a rental game that Steam can bar access to at any time for any reason.
Players now are also forced to install Steam if they wish to play certain games. Steam requires an internet connection, even if a game itself has no online options. Even games that do not require that Steam be installed can call back to Steam's servers when booted up. Many games will not play correctly if they are playable at all if you are not online. This is meant to encourage you to get on the internet so Steam can check in with your computer.
Steam has been known to delete games from people's library for random reasons ranging from "you traded for that game so it's stolen" to "we decided to stop carrying that game." or even "we forgot you bought this game." Steam can also delete media from your hard drive without your permission thanks to the mountains of DRM that come with their downloads. They also don't have to tell you your game is gone and usually won't. In short, Steam has complete control of everything you thought you bought from them. Period.
If Valve were to ever to close its doors or suffer from an irreparably permanent accident, over 7 million users would become hysterical and rage because their precious games would no longer be downloadable or playable.
Steam is well known for its specials and discounts, giving everyone the opportunity to waste money on games they'll play a couple times, mostly for treasure hunt achievements. Also being true to capitalism, Valve doesn't factor currency fluctuations into the price of games, meaning they cost the same in euros or dollars.
What gamers get in return for their investment is the worst customer support in gaming history, there isn't a toll-free number to call, everyone must use email. After an email is sent, depending on the alignment of the planets and stars, customer support will respond... eventually.
Market and achievements
Let us explain how the Steam Market works.
- There are retards. They buy pixels with their own money.
- There are non-retards. They sell pixels they got for free and thus save money on video games.
- There are financial geniuses. They created a system where non-retards sell pixels to retards, and take a share from each sale.
If you are too lazy to earn the shitty achievements then you can use this tool
Steam hates Europe and Australia
Because nobody cares about anything but USA, Steam has decided to make Europeans and Abos pay more for the shitty games, so they can help fund The United States before its bankruptcy. They clever way they came up with this is by proposing that one USD is equal to one Euro. And for Abos, they just charge double.
Forums and chats
Like any other gaming community, Steam's user base is a bunch of sophomoric and uncultivated morons from around the world, whose only real comfort in life is landing that perfect headshot and using hacks while trading sparkly multicolored pixelated hats and accessories.
Steam's friends and chats features can generate massive amounts of lulz when used correctly, much like is possible with Cleverbot. If you can do it rite the first time then you can upload the images and as a b-b-bonus, you will make the children rage. Is there a downside?
Have a good idea for game? Well then Steam Greenlight isn't for you. Steam Greenlight is a place where indie developers can release a game in early access (read unplayable) mode, and where big companies can get people to vouch for their games, so they don't have to take any chances.
Games that were greenlit
Here is why Greenlight is a complete and utter failure:
- Depression Quest - Not even a game
- Five Nights at Freddy's
- Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme - DeviantArt the game
- Air Control - Doesn't work
Hatred removed from Greenlight
Despite being actually approved by a majority, Steam still saw fit to remove a game from Greenlight, because it contained violent graphic pixels. In a rare moment of lucidty, Gaben himself restored it.
Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well, you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you faggot.
September 2014 update
Have you thought about how great it would be if only gaming was a bit more corrupt? Thankfully Valve has the solution for you in the form of curator. YouTube personalities and alike can now and will be paid to promote games on front page. Expect to see TotalBiscuit and his list of games he was paid to like.
About 3 years too late, like it has always been the case with Valve, they thought about implementing a MP3-player to Steam, not knowing that nobody listens to MP3 anymore, or are smart enough to use an external player, that can be configured with the keyboard anyway.
Some generic chats you'll see riddled across the Steam network.
- Rippy my Dippy
- GABE NEWELL CANT COUNT TO THREE!!1!
- To stop a Gaben
- Every time you make fun of Gaben's weight, Half-Life 3 is delayed another (x amount of time)
- Based God fucked my bitch
- Worth the weight
Interview with All Your History
Previous Video | Next Video
|Previous Quote | Next Quote|
Previous Video | Next Video
The death of modding
In April 2015, Steam announced paid game mods. Valve would receive a 75% cut to help satisfy Gaben's hunger. As a protest 75% of the PC Master Race committed suicide, and nothing of value was lost. Many mods that were once free are now being sold for between $2 to $5 each, which adds up to more than the original of Skyrim when you consider PC retards use 50+ mods at a time.
Oh look they are still free here
Surprisingly Steam actually heard the crying of all the 13 years who didn't want to spend all their parents' money at mods, so they removed it. So the new way for GabeN to make more money is to fire all his 4 employees.
Last Thursday, Valve decided to troll Steam users by adding limited accounts. You can't even add a friend or fucking join a group chat. The only way to get rid of this shit is to only waste your jewgold on Steam and having a 0.01% chance of getting your account changed into a full account.
Steam, like many major internet services, has been targeted by skiddies and hax0rs for many years on end. Proving how little (((Valve))) invests in security, Steam has been hacked or successfully DDOSed dozens of times as of date. Here are some of them:
- 12/23/2016 - Coincidentally the day of the Winter Sales (bringing in huge people), Phantom Squad orchestrated an attack which brought down ALL of steam's servers for an entire day, costing the kikes millions in lost revenue. Merry Christmas, bitch. Immediately after claiming responsibility for the attack, Phantom Squad's twatter account was terminated.
Being a corrupt and decadent company and lacking the protectionism of belonging to the inner circles of the elite, Valve was naturally targeted and sued. In December 2016, Steam was fined $3,000,000 by Australian courts, due to $team refusing to refund products for tens of thousands of kangaroo fuckers.
Steam Community Moderation often seems like an oxymoron, but mods do indeed exist and never do their jobs, unless it's to kill the accounts or privileges of people who disagree with the Marxist leftist ideologies expressed by the Valve community and corporation. You will find several hundred accounts spamming the service with gay furry / MLP artwork and gameplay screenshots (even hosting their own games on the service). Most of these accounts often have avatars / profile pictures of an extremely erotic, perverted and sickening nature- usually with a cartoon porn / furry porn twist, or even zoo-phillic content as well. Rarely do these accounts get dealt with, even if you spam the lazy and corrupt admins about it for years.
However, if you're a troll you're often selectively targeted. Things guaranteed to get you banned:
- Having a Pekka-Eric Auvinen avatar: Apparently, a Valve employee lost a loved one to the false flag, or is otherwise severely triggered by it.
- Swatsika symbols
- Goatse avatars
- Pepe avatars
- Trump avatars
- Black people avatars
- Avatars of notable IRL celebrities like Hitler or Sam Hyde
Things that are ok:
- gay porn avatars
- furry / fnaf / mlp autism
- communist symbols (the irony)
- marxist / marijuana related
- faggot shit
- animated child porn avatars
- zoophile porn avatars
|Gallery||About missing Pics|
- Adam Lanza - Murdered 27 people;
- Ali David Sonboly - Murdered 9 people;
- Arcan Cetin - mass shooter 
- Steam Users' Forums
- Steam Furries
- Team Fortress 2
- Left 4 Dead
- Gabe Newell
- Xbox Live
- Source Filmmaker
Steam is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.
|Featured article January 19th & 20th, 2014|
| Preceded by|
|Steam|| Succeeded by|