|NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION! GGWP!|
|Abu Abdul Bar al-Amriki|
|Session||9 April 1953 - 1 October 2017|
|Top 50?||2nd (Americas: 1st!!)|
|Style||FPS sniper mode|
|An Hero?||.38 snubnosed mouthwash|
|Motive(s)||Jihad, Las Vegas syndrome|
Stephen Craig Paddock☪ (a.k.a. Abu Abdul Bar al-Amriki and Captain Paddock) was a veritable God among men who had a life's worth of experience at the age of 64 as a licensed pilot, gambler, hunter, and professional geriatric. On October 1, 2017, after 9 months of a rather uneventful year, Stephen said, "Gosh darn it!" and decided to put his mad skillz to the test with one last gamble as he ordered the degenerate youth of Las Vegas to get the fuck off his lawn in style.
Stephen, a literal die-hard fan of country music, smashed open the windows in his suite in the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino and rained lead on a crowd of 22,000 stupid posers attending the Route 91 Harvest, a so-called "country music" festival that Stephen believed was brutally raping the genre he loved so dearly.
With 10 points in agility and perception, this Courier of Death delivered swift justice to the New Vegas strip as he racked up a whopping 58 kills and 422 injuries (all under 12 minutes!!) before being interrupted and finally turning the gun on himself. Stevie committed the deadliest mass shooting by a lone gunman (or any gunmen for that matter) in US history; his super effective technique, the Mandalay Bay Spray and Pray, is hailed by critics as the "best thing to happen in Vegas since The Hangover."
This fine gentleman of the ripe age of 64 had gone to Sin City to drink and gamble away his problems as usual. Like any other decent Las Vegas individual, Stephen checked into the 32nd floor of the Mandalay Bay with 20 suitcases full of weapons and ammunition without security noticing him. The house took him in due to his gambling addiction; little did they know that he would exact revenge for taking every penny.
Upon hearing the first notes of Jason Aldean's crap tunes coming from outside, Stephen's plan immediately formulated, prompting him to smash open two windows, retrieve one of the dozens of rifles he happened to bring with him, take aim, and launch metal hail onto the unsuspecting ear-rapists congregated below.
Volley after volley, magazine after magazine, Stephen cut down large swathes of the enemy formation, making him feel that much better about himself. Soon the pigs located this musical maestro and were about to rush in to get his autograph, but as usual they were too slow because he did their job for them. When he completed his mission, Stephen Paddock let out one last joyful tear as he shed himself from his mortal coil and ascended to the great casino in the sky.
- Step 1 - Invest in real estate and become rich
- Step 2 - Learn your gun rights and laws even though you're about to murder dozens
- Step 3 - Buy a small army's worth of guns with your money
- Step 4 - Get ammo and cameras and shit
- Step 5 - Rent out a room in a tower (optional: luxury hotel)
- Step 6 - Wait for massive gathering of people
- Step 7 - UNLEASH HELLFIRE UPON THE SHEEPLE (optional: suicide after)
- Step 8 - Ignite further shitstorm via political meltdown
- Step 9 - ????
It has been posited that one mistake Stephen made in his execution of the attack was that he did not leave behind any written manifesto or parting message, although some argue that this cliffhanger only adds an extra factor of lulz. The reactions from the old media✡ and politicians, much like every other mass shooting, was the same. Paddock's profile didn't meet the typical loner or mental illness stereotype of a murderer, but they did find out that his father, Benjamin Paddock, was a bank robber on the FBI's "Top Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" and was reportedly "psychopathic" and "suicidal." TOW wanted to delete the separate article on Paddock and wanted it to be a part of the shooting article itself, even though he is clearly notable due to beating the American high score by a long mile. A lot of people pulled the race card and said that since he's white, police or the news wouldn't label him as a terrorist due to not being a raghead. But his motive, whether it was religious, political, or musical, is still unknown.
Out of panic (as if that's not a surprise already), everybody started spreading false ass information. People confused Paddock with the ex-husband of the girlfriend he was with at the time, noting the fact that he was a Democrat who liked Rachel Maddow and was anti-Trump.
As usual, a butthurt Hillary Twitter loudmouth named Greg Morelli weighed in on the situation thusly:
Morelli owned Max's Deli in Highland Park along with his father and brother until some busybodies improved the deli's Facebook page by adding photoshopped images of Morelli fapping over the victims. Turns out that Greg had only recently displayed his butthurt over Hillary's stunning loss with a jaunty cartoon of Nazi bagels and a depiction of an alt-right matzo ball which enraged the community enough that the local Max Weisenthal center agreed to help with damage control by hosting a frank discussion of the behavior, at which an unrepentant Greg behaved like an ass. After the Vegas tweet, the Center had this to say of Greg Morelli:
|Kill count:||58/20 Deadliest OAP since Derrick Bird|
|Accuracy:||4/20 Thought he could accurately aim from the top of a hotel|
|Style:||20/20 Smuggling in 23 rifles and putting them to good use|
|Butthurt:||20/20 Reignited gun control debate and white privilege|
|Bonus:||20/20 An Hero + Deadliest mass shooting in modern US history|
|Total Score: 122/100 (S+)|
Thank you, Stephen, for proving that a terrible kill-to-injury ratio is irrelevant when you have godly firepower
See full ranking
- Stevie Wonder Makes the Guns Thunder
- Paddy The Sniper Daddy
- Click-Clack Paddywack
- Havok with Paddock
- "Swift like a Haddock" Paddock
- Daddy Paddy Wacker
- Stephen "bolted from the" Paddock
- Stephen 'sLays in Vegas' Paddock
- Stephen "You're Gonna be grievin'" Paddock
- steven "I've Fucking had it" Paddock
- Stephen lvl 32 Warddock
- Steve "You Can't Leave" Paddock
- Stephen "Stop you Breathin'" Paddock
- Stephen "Guns Unsheathin'" Paddock
- Lord Paddock from Havok
- Lvl 32 Boss Battle
- Mandalay Bay Security Pentester
- Stephen "Bushmaster" Paddock
- Mr. 586
- The 4 Minute Decimator
- Mr. M240
- Stephen "Oxygen Depletin" Paddock
- Stephen "Give me a fucking reason" Paddock
- Stephen The Heathen
- Stephen The Smoking Gun
- Stephen "Sending Yanks to St.Peter from 300 Meters" Paddock
- Stephen "Take Your Life with an Asian Wife" Paddock
- Eric Paddock - Steve's twin brother. The 1%. A fucking freeloader who retired just to leech off his brother's success while eating 1000$ COMPED sushi everyday. He also thinks only poor people works at taco bell (inb4 the butthurt of every poor niggers and the 99%).
- Patrick Paddock - who?
- Bruce Paddock - FUCKING PEDOPHILE HOLYSHIT!
- Benjamin Hoskins Paddock - The Father. A fucking bank robber and a con man. He is also on the top ten FBI most wanted list who escape jails after jails like he was the protagonist of Shawshank's Redemption. Died and gave birth to 4 little jack off with one of them being Steven, chosen of the dark gods. The rest are either a pedophile, a freeloader sushi enthusiast and a nobody.
- Mom Paddock - Steve made her wealthy.
- Peggy Paddock - Stephen's EX-wife. Two divorced for more than 27 years ago after a six-year marriage and had no childrens. Currently living in Cerritos, California.
Epilogue: Borderline Bar & Grill College Country Night!
On November 7, 2018, a year after Paddock gave his honest musical opinion upon country music fans, another fine gentleman—Ian David Long (who lived with his mom, lol)—walked into a country bar and took another 12 lives. One of those killed was a Navy veteran who survived Paddock's wrath in Las Vegas. Many other attendees had also survived the massacre, leading many to question how these lucky few managed to beat the house odds. In response to this mass shooting, a Change.org petition was launched to prohibit the playing of country music indefinitely.
- Omar Mateen & Cho Seung Hui - defeated former US champions
- Nikolas Cruz - random faggot who tried to recreate Stephen's feat 4 months later at his school; failed considerably
- Brenton Tarrant - 2019 Aussie contender who (unsuccessfully, but nearly) challenged Stephen's highscore
- Mass Shooting - the overused IRL dead meme that Stevie revived and took to a whole new level
- Gun Control - prepare for the great debate to be reignited with no positive outcome
- Donald Trump - Republican president during the occurrence of the mass shooting, and thus personally responsible (if you're libtard)
- Bernie Sanders - Democratic senator during the occurrence of the mass shooting, and thus personally responsible (if you're conservadick)
- Official Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department Investigative Report FULL
- Las Vegas shooting at Mandalay Bay Casino hotel
- Who was Stephen Paddock? Las Vegas shooter 'not an avid gun guy'
- Stephen Paddock's father launched violent attack in Las Vegas decades ago
- He got mindfucked by diazepam, Holy Shit!
- Not Stephen Paddock, but pretty close (and Paddock didn't have a goddamn James Bond car that could drive under water) (Archived: )
| Stephen Paddock
is part of a series on
|Featured article October 3 & 4, 2017|
| Preceded by
|Stephen Paddock|| Succeeded by|
|Featured article October 13 & 14, 2018|
| Preceded by
|Stephen Paddock|| Succeeded by|