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From Encyclopedia Dramatica
—Steve Jobs, on the iPhone 4s October 4, 2011
Steve 'Rim' Jobs (Steve Jewbs) was the world's second greatest douchebag, the bearer of the Reality Distortion Field, he was the Antichrist, the man who broke Woz's heart, and the man whose company (Apple) has had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. He is also the great messiah of Apple and the mysterious power behind homosexuals. Steve Jobs was the world's most lovable asshole. His real name was Berkley Blue until 1976, when his co-workers renamed him "Jobs" due to him being handy or something, in more ways than one...
On September 14th, 2010, it was revealed that Mr. Jobs was in fact a ninja as well.
On August 24, 2011, a gaunt Mr. Jobs resigned as Apple CEO, heralding the death of the company (and his own). He will be re-buried in 3 to 4 months when a newer, better coffin is released.
On October 5, 2011, Mr. Jobs died after catching a bad case of death. Some argue it was the reaction of God, being disappointed by the revelation of the iPhone 4S instead of the iPhone 5. Others argue that it was his own damn fault for being too hipster for mainstream treatments like chemotherapy, medicine, heterosexuality and any treatment that was managed by a non-apple computer. He instead opted for much trendier and colorful crystal therapy, homopathy, acupuncture, and chiropractic treatment.
Steve Jobs got his start at Atari. Through this gig, Jobs helped Nolan Bushnell (a widely known Faggot), propagate furryism -- and get Woz to do all the work for him. When he wasn't working, he was making Bell very angry by selling blue boxes to the masses. Eventually, he discovered that Woz was building a computer and so, catching a whiff of the scent of money, he convinced Woz to quit his job at Hewlett Packard in order to start Apple.
First Tenure at Apple
Steve Jobs's time at Apple was spent hiring Pepsi salesmen, making fun of his underlings' virginity, and ranting against IBM. Jealous of the fact that Woz got to do all the cool shit, Steve worked on the Apple /// and the Lisa (named after his estranged daughter) -- both of which flopped lower than Steve G's manhood. Wandering around for more stuff to do, he discovered that Jef Raskin was adding on the Macintosh. Knowing that glory was to be had, he sent out spies to intrude into the heart of Xerox. This was how the GUI was born.
It was here at Apple that Jobs revealed the Reality Distortion Field -- convincing everyone who worked on the Mac that they were "artistes" and therefore 1337. IRL, this would be known as being a "cult leader". Unfortunately, the Reality Distortion Field obfuscates the time-space continuum.
In 1985, the Macintosh was introduced, which to this day still rapes people with the "This program has unexpectedly quit for no fucking reason. All information was lost. Haha." message. It was overpriced, had no color, had no hard drive, and its only appeal was that it made everyone want to join an Orwellian totalitarian regime. No one bought it. Jobs therefore blamed the Pepsi salesmen for not doing their jobs. Subsequently, Jobs was kicked out of Apple.
The Truth Behind Jobs' Firing
While Scully the Hipster was behind Jobs getting ousted from the company he helped found, he actually brought it all on himself. When the Macintosh was in development, it was designed with a color screen in mind, However, the only company in the world that made color monitors with the resolution *and* small size that the Mac required was a Jap company that didn't want to sell cheap to the gaijin. The company sensei agreed to speak directly with Jobs to work out a deal, but Jobs showed up coked to the gills and was tossed out the door by a bunch of corporate ninjas. When he came back empty-handed, Apple was forced to release the Mac without color, and then told Mac users that "real computer users don't need color screens!" This was viewed as an excuse only a color blind junkie could have come up with, which is what Jobs happened to be. Scully took the rumors, found the proof, and then handed it to the Apple Board of Dipshits a ton of paper trails showing how Jobs had embezzled millions to fund his coke and LSD habits, as well as removing all the colors from the break rooms and cubes so his serfs couldn't see what he couldn't see. Jobs also snorted off the screen of a galaxy s2, and Tim Cook found about Jobs affair with android, and how the superior code lured him in, with promises of better things.
Trying to prove that Apple's success was no fluke, Steve Jobs therefore founded NeXT. NeXT's claim to fame was a toaster that cost $10 million and a program that made *nix look pretty. No matter that NeXT was not profitable. Every geek who means anything owned a NeXT box at one time or another -- even though only one person ever bought one.
Historians would later call this Jobs's blue period.
In 1982, Steve Jobs heard that his good buddy George Lucas was going through a divorce. Reaching into his wallet and giving him a crisp $10 million bill (the very one that was given him by the sole owner of the NeXT toaster), he bought Lucasfilm's animation division. Renaming the company Pixar, Jobs promptly forgot he ever owned it. For this reason, he became an billionaire when Pixar went public.
Second Tenure at Apple
Again using the Reality Distortion Field, Steve Jobs convinced Gil Amelio to buy out NeXT. Then, after hiring hitmen to kill Jean-Louis Gassee (founder of the BeOS), he forced Gil Amelio's resignation from Apple by placing a bloodied dogcow's head in Mr. Amelio's bed while he was sleeping. This is how he became CEO of Apple.
It was then discovered that Jobs was actually Jesus Christ when he started selling jellybean computers, creating Mac OS X with his bare hands, and releasing the iPod to the world. He is also Luke Skywalker even though he embraced the dark side when he allowed Microsoft to buy $150 million worth of Apple stock. During this time, Jobs also discovered U2 and Ellen Feiss.
In June 2005, Steve Jobs provoked millions of Macintosh fanboys to jump of the George Washington Bridge with a Rutgers student in hand when they discovered that Apple was having hot incestuous sex with the infidelic demon of the Underworld itself! Intel (see OSx86).
Steve Jobs had AIDS
After years of hard anal sex with his fellow mac faggots, Steve Jobs got the AIDS, but no one cares because it's not cool as cancer. Apparently his turtleneck sweaters were used for auto-erotic asphyxiation with various homosexual partners (including obese fuck buddy, Steve Wozniak.) He was forced to trade his MacBook Air and iphone for Broth Soup, A Robe to clothe his frail body and a dog. Of course he wasn't able to feed that dog since he was too busy dying and getting his AZTs. He lost a shitload of weight. Before croaking his t-cell count was lower than Crapple's stock!
- Unfortunately the pool wasn't closed.
Before his death, Steve had to pull out of MacWorld. He later said he would leave the company for 6 months due to a "hormone problem". Steve probably stayed at a bath house in San Fran getting treatment.
Liver's Closed Due to AIDS
In 2009 it was found that Steve-O's liver was shot. No one knows the precise reason why. Waiting lists in the US for liver transplants are horrendously long, upwards of five years, but sure enough within months old Steve had a new liver and was off wrecking it in no time. The doctor at the transplant clinic that treated him was quoted as saying "We provide transplants to patients regardless of race, sex, age, financial status, or place of residence." but some argue that it's more likely they stripped the organs from a Thai hooker when Steve flashed his platinum card.
....Or maybe the New World Order assasinated him? It could easily be possible.
As soon as he stopped manafacturing, the illuminati had snuffed him off, possibly because he attempted to go against them.
Yeah, we all know Steve's remains got delivered to the Alta Mesa Memorial Park, but exactly where is the correct location? This Italian claimed to know:
Gong. Wrongo. That Italian is just guessing because of the erba fresca (fresh grass) because they did not allow him into the iClique. Some people who might know are on this page (Not far from where the Italian said at Section: Circle of Oaks Columbarium, Apple Blossom circle, cremated and urn in an as-yet unmarked niche, (37°23'52"N 122°7'43"W for you GPS-enabled iPhone weenies).
Quotes about his death
And one more thing...
Things Steve Jobs Has Created
Perhaps most important of all things Steve Jobs has done is the hundreds of things he has invented to advance mankind with his bare hands. These include, but are not limited to:
- MP3 Recorders
- Camera Phones
- Internet communication devices
- The only existing alternative to Microsoft
- Apple I
- Apple II
- Apple IIe
- The clever line, "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
- The iHole along with the iDong, Apple's venture into the sex toy business.
- Haircut with Bill Gates
- Youtube App (to watch Youtube videos without having Adobe Flash installed)
- Steve Ballmer's career
- The iPhone 4S
- The History of Steve Jobs
- JewTube video of what really happened in Japan
- Subtle Troll Memorial video is Subtle
is part of a series on Web 1.0
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|Featured article August 31 & September 1, 2011|
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| Steve Jobs and Tablecow
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|Featured article October 6, 2011 & October 7, 2011|
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