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- Not to be confused with An Hero
|Disclaimer: This page is satire. If you are depressed or suicidal please call the closest hospital or emergency services in your area.|
Suicide is what you should consider, especially if you're reading this or what we wish all 50 Shades of Grey fans would do right now.
Let's be truthful here; you decided to see this page because you're depressed, or someone linked you here because they know what a waste of carbon you are, or you just discovered gay dog porn exists, or you have been raped by Sharjah ruler Mossad friends when you were in 7th grade after being told to go to a small room by an affiliated teacher and there is nothing you can do because Sheikh Sultan is over the law. Your life is shit and you are seeking some kind of psychological sympathetic buttsex to encourage you to continue living on about your pathetic, meaningless excuse of a life...
Well, guess what, dear? If that is what you were looking for, then you have come to the right site. We're here to help!
Or if you have some friend or loved one who's feeling so down and low that they feel they cannot go on any longer, please send them the link to this page. It could give them some encouraging insight on their decision.
With all of that said, we would kindly ask that you'd please pay attention closely...
The brave act of suicide is a process of moral redemption. If you dispel the surface pleasantries in your life for long enough to realize your utter irrelevance and worthlessness, you will immediately see that the only solution lies in the absolute and irreversible pwnage of yourself IRL, in which you may, if you're lucky, become an hero to those still dwelling in the real world and, for the first (and only) time in your life, achieve something of worth. It is the equivalent of flipping over the Monopoly board. Contrary to popular belief, this also stops you from posting online. You will achieve an Hero status immediately through suicide.
*Advice to the emotionally unstable*
- 1 Watch this before you kill yourself!
- 2 Suicide and Evolution
- 3 Thinking Twice?
- 4 Educational Documentary
- 5 How to Off Yourself
- 5.1 The Awesome
- 5.2 Gunshot
- 5.3 Jumping
- 5.4 Drugs
- 5.5 A rope is fine too
- 5.6 Just ask for it
- 5.7 Slicing
- 5.8 切腹 & 腹切 for the Otaku
- 5.9 Poison
- 5.10 Water Inhalation
- 5.11 Train Method
- 5.12 Bozo the Clown's Happy Fun Time!
- 5.13 The Magician
- 5.14 The Pinata
- 5.15 The Pendulum
- 5.16 The Last Revenge
- 5.17 The Flying Taliban
- 5.18 The Ripper
- 5.19 The Ultima
- 5.20 The Shower
- 5.21 Chuoside
- 5.22 Christmaside
- 5.23 The Woodshed
- 5.24 The Standing
- 5.25 The Horny Technician
- 5.26 The Hero
- 5.27 White Trash
- 5.28 The Scapegoat
- 5.29 The Switch
- 5.30 The Justin
- 5.31 The Houdini
- 5.32 The President
- 5.33 The Munchkin
- 6 Protips
- 7 Cultural Suicide
- 8 Suicide OST
- 9 Pro-tips
- 10 Video
- 11 Gallery
- 12 People Who Should Commit Suicide
- 13 See Also
- 14 External Links
Watch this before you kill yourself!
- If you intend to kill yourself, DO NOT tell anyone or they may try to stop you (except for /b/ who will most likely ask for cam-feeds).
- The world's human population keeps soaring well beyond what the planet's life systems can readily support. By staying alive ad being a useless sack of shit on welfare, you are part of the problem. Set a positive example and reduce humanity's burden on this planet.
- You've missed all your good opportunities, your dreams have crumbled away, your life is a sad and embarrassing joke!
- Remember, this is your only option; it's the only way to escape the pain.
- Be sure to upload it onto the internet. We all love to see some gore and death, and you will get instant fame. See? In life, you really are a nobody. So, what are you waiting for?
- DO IT FAGGOT!!
Also, if you commit suicide, you will most likely be buried and forgotten. Nobody will give a damn about you or your pain. The only logical solution is to go for the High Score. Kill as many of your oppressors, or random people, as you possibly can. It's a lot more fun for you, and absolutely hilarious for everyone else, especially for us here at ED!
What does suicide have to do with evolution? Consider this testimony by a man suffering from depression and contemplating suicide:
If you are not sure just watch any of Dane Cook's stand-up and you will then just want to die when you see that people think he is funny.
—Jerry Seinfeld encouraging people to keep trying at suicide
On June 13, 2008, Faux News released an educational documentary featuring plenty of fun ways to kill yourself. This includes: shooting yourself through the head, jumping off buildings, driving your car into a tree, how to get a lawn mower to kill you and much more. The documentary is called The Happening. If you have any suicidal thoughts, please see this documentary!
How to Off Yourself
Be sure to use a good (reliable) method; failure at being a failure is inexcusable.
Stand at the top of a tall structure and make sure that there is something relatively soft such as grass, or a sleeping fat person, below. You should preferably be on the edge of some kind of overhang, such as a bridge.
Next, tie cheese wire around your neck, tight enough that it won't slip off under tension but loose enough not to choke you. Remember, you don't want to die looking like a Michael Hutchence wannabe. Nobody wants to be Michael Hutchence. Even Hutchence hated it.
Anyway, tie the cheese wire to something solid on top of the structure. Make sure that there is a good six or seven feet of slack. Now stand at the edge and glue your hands to the side of your head. If you are under the age of 16, you may wish to get a responsible but sociopathic adult to help you. Wait until your hands are glued solidly to your head. This has the added advantage of stopping you from calling for help if you change your mind (you fucking pussy).
Now jump off the structure. It'll only hurt for a second, when the cheese wire runs out of slack and slices through your neck. The overhang should stop you from bashing your now-severed head against the wall of the structure when the cutting motion jerks your body backwards.
You should hopefully land face down, although this is really out of your hands by now. Unlike your head, which is glued to them. This has the excellent effect of causing whoever finds your body to think that you have pulled your head off.
Guaranteed to break the ice at parties!
The Awesome (Feat. Boom-Shaka-laka)
Same setup as "The Awesome" except one must prepare a basketball hoop at the bottom of the place of descent prior to the jump in the hopes of slam-dunking one's own face.
Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties!
The Other Awesome
Find a large building overlooking a park or other public area that can support a large number of people. In the middle of the day, douse yourself with gasoline, put on a suicide bomber vest, and do whatever it takes to attract a large crowd of people. Taking someone hostage and calling in all the news networks is a good method. Once there is a large crowd of people all watching intently, light yourself on fire and jump towards them. Try to aim for the center of the group. Once you're fifteen feet above them, detonate the vest. This will shower the crowd with flaming gibs.
Popular at weddings and bar mitzvahs!
The Double Awesome
A variation of The Awesome, performed with an exception: you do it with a buddy. You glue your hands to THEIR head, and vice versa, so it looks as though you've pulled your buddy's head off, and vice versa, creating lulz, and vice versa.
The kids will love it!
The Awesome: BlowJob Edition
Yet another variation of the awesome, this time emblazened with an epic performance of ripping your own head off only to have your own mouth land on your own artificially hardened cock.
Performing this variation requires all of the same, plus viagra, and enough elastic and superglue to ensure your mouth goes onto your cock. WARNING. This is difficult to do, and will most likely result in failure. this can also be performed in a similar way to "The Double Awesome" makes it look like you both ripped each others heads off to give each other head.
Popular with gay couples not afraid of failure.
The Awesome: Diver Edition
Another variant of the awesome. For this one you will need a full regular size glass of water, a diving suit and a friend (or a prostitute if you don't have friends, which is likely given your situation). Once you have arrived at your building of choice, take the elevator to the top floor. While in the elevator, change into your diving suit.
Once you reach the top floor, call the person below to put the glass of water at the spot where your going to land. Stand on the ledge, assume a diving position and jump. On the way down, perform as many tricks as possible before hitting the ground while making sure to aim for the water glass. For added effect, pick a very tall, famous building, as this will not only allow you to perform as many tricks as possible, but draw in a large crowd of people. If you're doing this with another person, make sure to synchronize your tricks. For additional lulz, hire three people to stand near the water glass, each holding a large score card with each card having the number ten on it. After your entry, each person will then hold up their cards while the very first person talks about how much of an amazing diver you are.
What you'll need:
- A shotgun, 12 gauge is preferred but 10 gauge is fine too
- A party filled with kids
- A friend to video tape it
- First invite at least 20 kids to a birthday party.
- Say that you have a announcement to make
- Pull out your shotgun and hold at arm's length, aiming it at the center of your face
- Pull the trigger, if successful your brains and head will be sprayed all over the kids and parents and the wall
- Make Sure your friend videotapes it and uploads it to Youtube
Protip: Make sure the wall is white so the brains look good, Also use a double barrel and try to pull both triggers at the same time.
A .22 caliber can be efficient, because it penetrates the skull but doesn't exit, bouncing around and churning your brains into neuron butter. For guaranteed success, use a much larger bullet; Preferably, a .45 ACP. ALWAYS USE HOLLOW POINTS, as HP bullets expand upon contact with flesh, basically doubling or even tripling the amount of damage they can do, and thus drastically increasing the chance that you will die. Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway had the right idea with a shotgun. Also, it is good to practice with your gun at a shooting gallery. A shotgun at the back of the head works well; it's the brain-stem you want to destroy (lest you return as a member of the undead). Good luck, and leave enough cash for the cleanup crew. Shotguns are also easier to obtain than handguns, are much cheaper, and can be purchased at the age of 18 instead of 21. It also helps to live in a state with a 0-day waiting period on guns, since they only make you wait 30 minutes (since the gov't background check system is slow as fuck) while they check you out with the FBI. If you have trouble getting a gun, go to a gun show - you can often pay cash for a gun, without background checks. All of the recent massacres since Columbine have allowed Liberals to raep the traditional lax gun laws, so be prepared. Suicide is best to plan ahead for: you should have a shotgun and ammo ready so when you're sad, you can do it on impulse.
Also known as "Extreme Lead Poisoning" or "Hot Lead Injection'.
Do not forget to get on Stickam or provide some other way for us to see you pulling the trigger.
PROTIP: You want this shit to work 100% and you want it to be as painless as possible. One common misconception is that you should shoot the gun into the back of your mouth. BAD IDEA. This kills you from excessive blood loss and hurts like hell (As I have obviously tried this). What's more, you still have a chance to survive this bullshit. Another form of improper use is shooting to the side of your head. Your brain is very small compared to the size of your head, and there's a good chance you'll miss your brain and, once again, die an unimaginably painful death by blood loss. So, how do you properly use a gun to commit suicide you ask? Simple. Put the gun in your mouth, barrel up, and be sure to try and get it in the middle or so. This assures the bullet will go through your brain and the extreme amount of pain you feel will only be for an instant or so. Unless you manage to survive that, in which case you are totally fucked. Just remember, angle the nozzle towards your Central Lobe / Brain stem. If you destroy that, it's instant, painless, liberating death!
Another PROTIP: Get a shotgun, put it to your head, pull the trigger and BLAM! You can't miss, but if you do, you deserve to die a horrible painful death from starvation for being dumb. Don't try to take off the front of your skull or you could easily survive, infact of the countless shotgun suicide attempts, 2% to 15% actually survive, mainly because they didn't learn how to fucking angle their gun properly.
Ever been on a roller coaster? No? Of course not, that's something you'd do with friends, and you're obviously lacking them. That fact aside, jumping to your death is a great way to commit suicide. If you tell someone ahead of time, they won't lift a finger to stop you. There's plenty of news crews willing to pay $50 for footage of a guy leaping from his office building, shit in his pants and splatter all over the pavement. Leave your mark on the world, and splatter all over a crowded area. For added lulz, aim for crowded areas wearing a frilly rainbow shirt and fill your pockets with candy before jumping, and only scream once it's too late for them to get out of your way. That way, the gathered crowd may confuse you with a pinata, though probably not as they'll be dead.
See also: Chuoside, the Japanese version of a jumping suicide.
Opiate OD is supposedly one of the more pleasant ways to die. So vomit into your own lungs while half asleep and blitzed out of your gourd. Be that rock star you always wished you'd be! Combining booze and barbies is another good method. Rock star! Please see our article on drugs for moar information.
- Crack cocaine
- Heroin- though you're such a failure you can't get you're hands on some smack.
- Paint thinner
- Sleeping pills
- Crystal Methamphetamine- FUCK YEA!!!!
- Iron tablets
- Diet Pepsi
- Kool Aid
- Flintstones vitamins
See drugs for a more complete list of drugs that just might kill you.
As much as possible. Whoa whoa hold on there nelly, downing a bottle of laxative is not the way to get the job done. Taking too much at once may result in vomiting, which will cause you to fail, and it's a waste of drug, at least orally. It's a good idea to check the LD50 of what you're taking to make sure you're taking enough (protip: take about 3 times as much ACTIVE COMPOUND as the LD50 says, per kg of bodyweight). Also prevents you from trying to kill yourself on fairly harmless drugs, which although gives a fun display of vomiting and discomfort, is not very effective. It is almost always recommended to take any of these drugs intravenously; however, if you are videotaping yourself, or are committing suicide on live television, swallowing has a stronger visual effect. Work your audience!
A rope is a fun and easy way to inflict self pwnage. This is best done near large crowds of people to increase shock value and lulz
Just ask for it
- Warning: may cause heavy unexplained bleeding.
Open a major artery; there are two in your neck, either will bleed out fast enough to kill you in a matter of minutes (mostly by removing blood from your already cloudy and ugly brain). Open up your wrists (up from your palm, to your elbow, go deep, at least 1 inch) for that true dramatic "fuck you". You'll have enough time to paint the walls red.
Your inner thigh has a huge artery, feeding a bunch of blood to those lower extremities. You open that up nice and wide and sure enough, you'll bleed out and die. Arteries won't clot well without help. However, to ensure minimal chance of survival, it is best to sit in a warm bath as this encourages blood flow, easy mess cleanup. And looks really cool when they find you. However if you wish to go emo you should know that it doesn't work if you cut across the wrist, only when you cut the veins going up the arm. REMEMBER It's up the highway, not across the street.
Remember to bring a book - you will need to lose between five and eight pints of blood before you slip into that great oblivion. Most Doctors recommend The Whipping of the Juggalos.
切腹 & 腹切 for the Otaku
The terms seppuku and hara-kiri both refer to the traditional suicide method of the samurai. The difference is, quite literally, that one translates as "cutting of the belly" and the other as "gut stabbing". The distinction is primarily one of vulgarity, with the former indicating a cowardly or dumb act, and the latter an honorable and noble death.
Here's how it's done: kneel on the floor and have a kaishaku helper stand slightly behind you. Next, take a short sword or a knife and stab yourself in the lower left area of the stomach. Next, pull the blade from left to right, slicing your torso and bringing your intestines out to say hello. If you start to falter (or if he just gets bored), your kaishaku can step in and lop your head off for you. But not all the way off, then your head would get dirty. Can't have that, instead you want a thin band connecting it, a la bobblehead.
Got it? OK, get cracking. Because if you really are a weeaboo, you might as well try it. And then there'll be one fewer of you tainting the gene pool. Everybody wins.
The woman's weapon of choice. A solid dose of a neural toxin only hurts for a bit, leaves you looking rosy and nice, while your body shuts down organ by organ. The brain goes last, buddy, after your eyes and ears have already stopped passing information back. It dies slow, a good 5 minutes after your heart has stopped beating. Strychnine, Cyanide, Atropine,
Drain Boat Cleaner, Hemlock, Furshampoo, and Lye, these are all good things to swallow and die.
Simply dunk your head in a bowl of water and inhale, causing water to enter your lungs. After that, the lungs will begin to accumulate more water. Even a little bit will cause you to drown to death within a few hours. Be sure to force your body to inhale, not swallow, as swallowing does nothing but make it go to your stomach and your body will naturally use its instinct to swallow. It's going to have the bloody imbecile blacking in and out of consciousness for approximately 4-10 minutes; painfully avoiding the bodies natural reaction to bob for air. After minutes of pure water inhalation, it will simply cause the person to become incredibly fatigued. You'll go into a nice nap and not wake up!
NOTE: Don't be a blatant idiot and attempt to drown your sorrows sober! Be sure to indulge in a lulzy combo of Skittles n' Scotch before hand.
It's also 100% possible to drink water until you die. Just keep drinking and drinking. Don't pee even if you have to go. The combination of lack of oxygen in your blood due to it being too thin and pressure buildup in your heart and blood vessels will cause at first a feeling of intoxication, then you will pass out and die.
NOTE: An offshoot of this method is the Late Night Big Rig Makeout Session. To properly perform this, stand on your local freeway in the dark hours of the night. When you see a big rig hurdling toward you at speed, emerge from your hiding place and position yourself directly in front of the vehicle. The benefit to this method is that your chances of getting hit are great (big rigs do not handle well and even if the driver miraculously swerves, there is a strong likelihood of the trailer still hitting you) and everyone else on the freeway gets to see your epic display of an heroics.
Bozo the Clown's Happy Fun Time!
Requires: sawn-off shotgun, clown costume, wig and make up. Bonus points for squeaky oversized shoes and a loose white jumpsuit with colorful spots. Circus music is recommended but not necessary
- Practice applying your makeup for a convincing clown look. This is your big day, you don't want to look like a confused crack whore
- Hide your shotgun. Bonus points for hilarious disguises such as a bouquet of plastic flowers
- Walk into the local elementary school
- Pick a class room. First graders are an appropriate audience so doing discreet research beforehand is recommended. Leave any music box outside the door and turn it on just as you step in
- Step in smiling widely and greet the children in a boisterous manner. Lines such as "hey kids, Bozo the clown is here!" are optimal. Practice in front of a mirror beforehand. You only have one shot at this
- Ignore the teacher and ask the kids if they wish to see a magic trick. Remember to over emote and speak with a funny voice
- Time for the big finale! If your weapon's disguise is good enough, the kids aren't hiding under their tables yet and you're still smiling like a retard, captivating their attention with your show. Tell them you're going to use the flowers to make your head disappear! Remember to smile all the way through as you bring the flowers to your mouth and make the magic work. Leaning slightly forward is likely to give a better view
- Success! Your show will be the talk of the community for years to come and will not be easily forgotten!
Requires: pipe bomb, magician costume,make up. Bonus points for top hat,and a tux. Music is recommended but not necessary
- Practice your tricks for a convincing magician look. This is your big day, you don't want to look like a confused meth whore
- Hide your pipe bomb Bonus points for hilarious disguises such as a magic wand
- Walk into the kids party at a public place
- Pick a room. Fifth graders are an appropriate audience so doing discreet research beforehand is recommended. Leave any music box outside the door and turn it on just as you step in
- Step in smiling widely and greet the children in a boisterous manner. Lines such as "hey kids, the magician is here!" are optimal. Practice in front of a mirror beforehand. You only have one shot at this
- Ignore the parents and ask the kids if they wish to see a magic trick. Remember to over emote and speak with a funny voice
- Time for the big finale! If your bomb's disguise is good enough, the kids aren't hiding under their tables yet and you're still smiling like a retard, captivating their attention with your show. Tell them you're going to use the wand to make your head disappear! Remember to smile all the way through as you bring the pipe bomb to your head and make the magic work. Leaning slightly forward is likely to give a better view
- Success! Your show will be the talk of the community for years to come and will not be easily forgotten!
(PROTIP: Use Fireworks as explosives and fill with nails for bonus points.
Requires: Smarties and other candy (hopefully half your weight), a building at least 200 feet tall, a loose shirt and baggy pants, a belt, socks and gigantic fucking balls.
- Go to the top of the structure (that means "building").
- Swallow as much candy as possible without chewing. Stuff yourself until you feel like you're going to throw up.
- Tuck your shirt into your pants, then tighten your belt and fill your shirt with candy.
- Tuck your pants into your socks, then fill your pants with more candy.
- Take any candy that's left and stuff your mouth.
- Jump. Do it, faggot.
- Fall. May take between 5 and 10 seconds.
- Allow others to feast on sanguine candy and fleshy bits.
This is one of the best forms of suicide, since it teaches impressionable young children not only that suicide is cool, but that it will benefit the other children all around them as well. This will cause more bullies to push suicide as an option, thus spreading the lulz!
This combines two methods.
- Get on an overpass with a noose and tie it up. Make sure it's short enough so you won't just hit the ground and live, but long enough so you'll be in the way of traffic.
- Jump. Bonus points if you break your neck.
- Wait. Sooner or later a car will hit you with enough force to swing you up so that you swing back down to hit another car. This should take your head off. If not, -5 points.
The Last Revenge
Using a catapult, cannon or trebuchet, launch yourself through the window of your most hated enemy (or E-nemy), preferably during some kind of family gathering. You should strike the glass with sufficient force to shred your body. You will leave a bloody trail behind as you sail through the room, before bursting spectacularly when you hit the wall at the back of the room, splattering everything in blood and gore, and leaving a giant blood and gore stain on the area of impact. Try drinking a lot of blue food dye just beforehand for that authentic "Jackson Pollock" effect, where all the blood and gore will be mixed with blue. Do not wear a helmet, jacket, or any thick clothing. For maximum effect, just wear a T-shirt and some thin shorts. You can try going naked, but bloody, shredded bits of clothes only add to the effect.
Your enemy will have to pay huge amounts to clean and fix up the house, only to sell it on at a huge loss because nobody will want to buy it after such a horrific event. As a bonus, the last thing you see will be the unsuspecting faces of your victims. Bonus points if you traumatize a child. In addition, your little stunt will be talked about on the news for weeks, people all over the world will know your name, and the bloody aftermath will be filmed and will become hits on the Internet.
The Flying Taliban
- Get a bomb belt with height detecting detonator.
- Find a high public building in your city.
- Get on the roof of it.
- Set your bomb to detonate at about 30-50 meters above the ground level.
- Wait for a crowd to gather.
- Jump. You will provide a rain of intestines and blood for the crowd, providing joy to all. Bonus for falling in Superman fashion and/or extra bonus for having an airplane transformer suit.
- If the police somehow get you before you manage to jump, you will still blow up when they escort you downstairs and leave a mess of bloody remains on the staircase or elevator. This is a win-win technique.
Just follow Ripper's easy instructions steps:
- <ripper> 320mg methadone
- <ripper> 24mg klonopin
- <ripper> 120mg resotril
- <ripper> 1.5 grams KB
- <ripper> 4 grams mersh
- <ripper> plus the 130mg inderol
- <ripper> drink some 151
- <ripper> b hardcore
Arguably one of the coolest ways to off yourself.
- Obtain a skill saw.
- Plug in.
- Using duct tape, tape open the blade guard and tape down the triggers. This will turn on the saw.
- Slowly move the saw into your neck.
- Snuff it.
Bonus points for doing it in a public area. A very large bonus if you manage to decapitate yourself. Children should always be involved in this method.
The best way to go if you want those fuckers and faggots to feel remorse.
- Get a shotgun. Preferably one that causes more splatter (10 gauge sawed-off), but any kind will do.
- Tell all of the guys who pick on you to come to the front of school an hour after last period.
- Go get your shotgun.
- Go back, get your trench coat.
- When they come, get close, take off trench coat.
- BLAM!!! If done right, you will have them covered in your blood and their piss.
"Chu" like Chewbacca and Pikachu.
"O" like what your mom says when I give her the knub.
"Side" like where I slapped her repeatedly until it bruised.
Chuoside is the act of dramatically committing suicide by jumping into the path of an oncoming train on the Chuo Line in Japan. Those who would be an hero favor the Chuo line because the express trains pass at high speed through many convenient stops in metropolitan Tokyo. The Chuosider can be assured that their guts, entrails, eyeballs, scrotum and other appendages will be messily strewn about, and that they will have totally fucked the train schedule for thousands of people who just want to get home. As a special beyond-the-grave flip of the bird, remaining family members will be billed for the clean-up process as well as all the down-time incurred as a result of the Chuoside. (Yes, this really happens.)
An example of a Chuoside can be seen in the movie Hostel. However, not only was the girl in that film a fake Japanese, her fake eye makeup sucked, and she tossed herself in front of some Eurofag train instead of the real thing. Amateur. The Japanese flick Suicide Club begins with an awesome scene of mass teen Chuoside, but sadly runs out of lulz shortly thereafter.
- Acquire a Santa Claus costume, a suicide bomb, a large bag, and several stuffed animals.
- Around mid-December, fill the bag with the stuffed animals and equip the suicide bomb to yourself underneath your Santa Claus costume.
- Stand on the roof of a fairly tall, but low enough for people to notice you, building above a crowded street.
- Gently toss the stuffed animals over the edge of the roof while shouting, "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" etc.
- This should draw the attention of several small children. If it doesn't, try to advertise your, "deed," as best you can from the rooftop.
- When you've either:
- Drawn the attention of a substantial amount of children
- Run out of stuffed animals, or
- Drawn the attention of the local authorities, throw yourself over the edge of the building while screaming, Allah!
- When you're roughly 20 feet from the ground, detonate the bomb. If you've performed this correctly, your corpse should be blown to pieces, showering several children with your mutilated remains. This will be talked about for years to come, and will permanently scar the minds of every child who witnesses your heroic act.
NOTE: If you've drawn the attention of the media and your suicide is broadcast on live television, your heroic act can become an heroic act.
- Also known as Santacide.
Sometimes you don't have city slicker luxuries like trains, bridges, skyscrapers, or even piano wire. The solution sits outside in your dads woodshed. Simply grab a chainsaw and replace the chain and do it properly for once because you won't be around for daddy to beat you for it. Placing the chainsaw in a vice, so it sticks out, you are given a few more options. After starting it you can charge with all your speed into the blade, ripping apart your internal organs. You can also drive into it on your daddy's favorite tractor or ride-on lawnmower to give him the duty of cleaning up the mess he created and not some detective because you raped someone.
This method always works, and destroys your father. Who probably raped you.
By far one of the more ballsy methods to off your self by, so simple in theory yet so hard to do correctly. To perform the perfect standing suicide you stand on any flat surface, jump, rotate 180 degree in mid-air, thus landing on the top of the head breaking the neck. This method can be used at anytime anywhere. Boss fires your ass , standing suicide. Wife leaves you for your best friend, standing suicide. iPod goes missing, you get the point. Along with the obvious benefits, the standing suicide also gives a big "FUCK YOU PUSSY" to anybody who has jumped from a 30ft building and failed to die (or as Xzibit would say "getting pwned while you self pwn")
However, this method is does not carry a 100% success rate. 5% at best. Results may differ depending on weight and height but as long as you don't mind eating through a tube and shitting your pants for the rest of you pathetic life it's all good.
The Horny Technician
You can die while beating out wads of semen as long as they are long enough. Acquire or purchase a very big high voltage capacitor and use your technical skills to charge up the device. Get your best Loli or whatever a suck fuck suicide techie needs to get off as much as possible. Beat off onto the terminals on the capacitor after charging it. If your wad is long enough you should release a good 50.000 volts at decent amps with it.
- Find a tall building and get an iPod.
- Play any heroic theme you can ear-blastingly loud. (The Captain Falcon Theme will do)
- Do a nose dive off the building and scream your heroic monologue as loud as you can.
- Cock your scrawny little fist back halfway down and yell out the name of your attack- if you can't think of one, try "Faggot nerd killing punch"
- As you hit the pavement plant your fist at the speed of sound into an evil doer right before you strike the ground. If successful, you just committed murder, congratulations faggot.
The cheapest and easiest way to get euthanized. All you need is a garbage bag! Simply get a bag and hide inside it on the curb. Then all you have to do is wait for the garbage truck to come along and crush you in the trash compactor. The garbage men do all the work!
If you're going to kill yourself, you might as well do something hilarious in the process. First, think of someone you hate. Do a bit of stalking and find a time when you're sure they'll be asleep. When this time comes, sneak into his house. Go up next to their bed and stab yourself square in the chest. With your last dying strength place the bloody knife in the hand of your victim, making sure to get their fingerprints on it. Then just lie on the floor and die. The police will never believe his story.
A Simple, but daring method of suicide that involves a thought, if you are not a thinker, Tl;dr and move along. There are multiple steps to commit this form of suicide even though doing so is actually about 5% likely to work.
- Find A Building roughly 200 stories high with roof access.
- Find A Buddy! (Someone who looks enough like you that is thinking of Suicide and planning to go through with it)
- Dress like each other, look at least 12% distinguishable from one another.
- Take his wallet and give him yours.
- Gather enough attention until it is known that some*one* is on the roof, do not make yourself known. *Helicopters will ruin this step.*
- Convince your friend to come down and give him a gun that's fired one shot.
- (Pretending to be shot) Fall backwards and off the building, plundering to your death.
- Your friend seeing what happens to you, likely will not jump with you.
- The Police come up, see he has a gun, arrest him for murder.
- You Die.
- "Your friend" gets shipped off to jail because he's You and they think You killed him.
- Play any song by Justin Bieber at max volume while wearing headphones.
- This should destroy your eardrums and you will bleed out from your ears hearing something that sounds like Tom Cruise shoving a remote control up Rob Schneider's Ass.
If this does not work, You should Kill Yourself for not having already done it. You listened to Justin Bieber, you better kill yourself.
A complex method, similar to the switch which has similar steps as well.
- Find a hobo.
- Kill the hobo.
- Plant his body dressed like You in your race car bed.
- Go To Mexico.
- Kill yourself for going to Mexico.
The joke here is that everyone already thinks you're dead.
- Dress like a Munchkin
- Ask "What the fuck am I doing?"
- Join a play of a group reenacting The Wizard Of Oz for one of their plays.
- Whilst the four are skipping away, near/using a prop tree, hang yourself.
The following are for pros only. No n00bs!
- Get a reputable crime scene cleaner to pick up your dead (and potentially rotting) corpse. No one loved you before you were dead, they'll love your useless mass of rotting meat even less. Look in your local yellow pages for them.
- Before you make the big step towards Hell, where you will be roasting for all eternity alongside Ellen DeGenerate; Adolf Hitler, and whatever sick, sick individual came up with the idea of Chinese Finger Traps - get rid of your possessions and friends! Do you honestly think you need them? And make sure it's a complete surprise for other people. It may even be fun to mislead them with false evidence.
- State your intention in your online journal. DUH.
- Party like an animal. Hey, it's your last time to do whatever you wanted!
Don't Go Alone!
Why leave this cruel, cruel world on your own? You might as well take down a few emo assholes or something while you're at it, for the extra lulz and to rack up a couple man points. Oh, and babies. Who doesn't love dead babies? Heck, maybe if you did enough killing, you'd find yourself in a much better mood and not quite ready to banhammer yourself out of existence. It's a win-win situation!
It is very important to write a good suicide note full of lulz. Otherwise, nobody will know why you decided to off yourself -- why deprive them of that? Make it so that it looks like you did nothing wrong and that the world is a more messed-up place than yourself. For great examples on how to write a note, watch the movie "Heathers". Here is an example of a good suicide note, from the classic Onion article:
- Only utilize quality paper and pen...
- Make sure your writing materials are of good quality. It can be very frustrating when you want to kill yourself and your pen doesn't work. Friends and family will appreciate a quality of penmanship. Don't forget you're nothing special and everyone knows it but wouldn't they be surprised to find that you can write neatly.
- Be innovative!
- Try and reach as many people with your suicide note as you can by drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. If you want to be really hardcore there are a plethora of ways in which you can take advantage of the Internets for maximum exposure. A fine example of this is The great emo suicide meme of 2005. Another good way would be to take a page out of Pelle "Dead" Ohlin's book and say (this only works if you're gonna have a bloody death) "Please excuse all the blood."
- Chec yor spelinge
- Nothing says 'I'm a retarded emofag' more than if you misspell your own name. You want to make your family and friends cry, not laugh! A good solution would be to use MS Word for your note. That way you can use spellcheck and ask that annoying bastard Clippy for help on transcribing your act of self pwn.
Did You Jump or Were You Pushed?
If you particularly hate your family, why not spend the months leading up to your death looking shifty and uncomfortable whenever you're outdoors and leaving cryptic answer phone messages about being pursued? Also try paying off a stranger to phone up your family pretending to be a guy called "Vinny" who is "looking for da money".
When you top yourself - preferably by falling off a bridge or, if you're particularly limber, shooting yourself in the back - you'll be leaving behind a world of confusion, regret and terror for those who survive you. Unless they hate you as much as you hate them, of course! Which would be pretty understandable, given the circumstances.
When using this method, it is better to leave out the suicide note - or use one printed from an untraceable computer (especially if you put some uncharacteristic typos or turns of phrase in there).
Also, if you wear glasses, remember to keep them on when you jump to throw off any CSI watchers. And remember, you can't be prosecuted for wasting police time if you're dead!
Alternately: If you really want to make them suffer, skip the above advice, go ahead and write a suicide note, but write in it that they drove you to do it. Once the media get a hold of the story, they (your intended victims, not the media) will be demonized by both the public and your next of kin for the rest of their lives, not to mention the guilt they'll have to live with. I think we can all agree that's worse than a lifetime of prison rape.
Be a Movie Star!
- Way 1.
- If you're going to die, why not apply to appear in a snuff movie? These are pornographic movies where the star is tortured and killed for the kicks of others. Sure, your death will be horrendous - but you'll be dead either way, and you might as well give something back to the community. God knows you did nothing worthwhile when you were alive. Additionally, why not arrange for the movie to be shown at your funeral? It'll be a talking point for years to come, particularly in therapy sessions.
- Way 2.
- Right before you kill yourself, post a video on YouTube saying you're killing yourself and why. Also reveal your name; most likely you'll become famous and Encyclopedia Dramatica will post the video here for the lulz. Also, if you're upset because of an article about you here on ED, please mention that in your video so it will raise our ratings.
Different cultures have different forms of ritualized suicidal practices.
- Azns perform hara-kiri (the "bad" kind known as Jap-anese).
- Muslims strap bombs to themselves.
- Emos post suicide notes on MySpace and die in public bathrooms.
- Outcasts save up a few grand, buy guns, and go for the High Score.
- Junkies OD on needle drugs while setting high scores for Dance Dance Revolution.
- Pedophiles, do the future a favor. Leave the fuckin kids alone.
- Hungarians, DO IT FAGGOT
A selection of songs to accompany your act of self-pwn:
- "Whiskey Lullabye" - Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss
- "Gloomy Sunday" - Rezso Seress
- "Hey Man, Nice Shot" - Filter
- "The Pass" - Rush
- "You Did It" - Necro
- "Jump They Say" - David Bowie
- "Wait and Bleed" - Slipknot
- "Hold Your Head Up High (and Blow Your Brains Out)" - The Bloodhound Gang
- "Eraser" - Nine Inch Nails
- "Jeremy" - Pearl Jam
- "Suicide Note Pt 1 & 2" - Pantera
- "Come out Fighting" - Pennywise
- "R.I.P." - Bikini Kill
- "Suicide Solution" - Ozzy Osbourne
- Using pills, or ringing someone just before you do it, is a suicide gesture. Not the same thing.
- If you care at all about what the world looks like after you are gone, then you should not be doing it. Fantasizing about how sorry people will be and then killing yourself is fail. People may - or may not - be sorry, but you won't be around to see it. Where's the lulz in that?
People Who Should Commit Suicide
- Dorian Thorn
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone
- Trent Reznor
- Seth MacFarlane
- Guy Chapman
- Nick Simmons Seriously dude, you'll finally get that fame you want and Gene will finally, publicly admit to loving you, his failure of a son. Please, for the sake of irony, incorporate a bottle of Bleach into your suicide.
- Perez Hilton
- Phaedriel (actually, she will)
- Miley Cyrus
- Vegan Gains (Or someone else should kill him]]
- Gerard Way
- Fred Bauder
- Ann Coulter
- The Amazing Atheist
- Carrot Top
- Every chav on the planet
- The Governator
- The Man
- Your whore of a mom who is getting donkey punched
- DID WE ALREADY MENTION YOU?
- An Hero
- Self injury
- Dying alone
- Lil Peep
- Budd Dwyer
- Real death
- Shotgun mouthwash
- Tumbles the Stairdragon
- Broady Paul Ledet
- Dr Kevorkian
- Turtle Punch
- Shock sites - Often contain suicide or failed suicide images or videos
- Seppuku: the perfect way to end a difficult day at the office
- The Church of Euthanasia FAQ
- Suicide.com. It's your choice.
- Kids in the Hall suicide sketch transcript
- Brandon "i told u i was hardcore" Vedas
- Brandon Vedas' last night in RL (transcript)
- manly_suicide guide to 'manly suicides' by Maddox
- A Practical Guide to Suicide made by Satanists
- Budd Dwyer blows his own fucking head off on live TV
- Good book with tons of methods in detail on how to kill yourself.
- PROTIPS from TOW
- How to make out with a big rig.
- 'If you feel that life is not worth living, you are not alone: Satan wants you dead.' But from a Christian view.
- Long list of methods, as well as their relative reliability.
- Lost All Hope One of the most comprehensive suicide resources on the web.
|| Suicide is part of a series on
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