Suicide Girls

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Sg no makeup.jpg

Those other Suicide Girls are poseurs.

Do you like goths? Do you like porn? Then what could be better than goth porn? That's right, the Suicide Girls are ready to flash their pasty tits, awful kitschy tattoos that look like they were drawn by a 13 year old boy, and heavily-pierced cunts just for you (and the other billion people of the Internets, of course).

Members[edit]

Zui Suicide having the standard Suicide Girl breakfast
DO YOU LIEK ME NAU??

Suicide Girls (moar liek sue-your-hide girls, amirite?) (ed: shut the fuck up you are not right) sends out the message that you don't have to be hot or have big tits for guys to pay $4 a month to jack off to your pictures.

The Girls are usually women who used to be fat and lost the weight, but not the fat mentality. They are still attention whores, and they still use internet disease photos. Many of the girls have simply been hugged by their Daddys too many times when they were young. Most of them have little or no boobiez, and the few that actually do have old lady sags. They also buy into that new age hippie bullshit that "everyone is beautiful, I'm just alternative." Let's face it: you didn't lose enough weight, your tattoos are ugly, blood is not sexy and you're a stupid cow who needs to learn to fucking wax before a photo shoot, or at least put on a facial expression that doesn't scream "Fine, Daddy! I don't need your love!"

At some point, a female friend of yours may decide that she is going to send some pics to Suicide Girls. This is code for "I'm unhappy right now and I'm desperate for someone to tell me I'm pretty, even if it means threatening to show off my cunt to an internet audience." Let her know that regular porn pays better.

We're SoOoO Alternative!!!1[edit]

Om Nom Nom Nom

The Suicide Girls and their believing audience really are a misguided bunch of twats to think that they are opposed to the mainstream. This is to trick guys into thinking the girls will actually sleep with them, but now piercings and tattoos are about as shitty and banal as you can get (and said guys will never have sex anyway). Most models can't manage more than a navel ring or a butterfly tramp-stamp anyway, prompting belief that these 'alternative' models really aren't much different from their mainstream counterparts. That they've submitted photos of their vaginas, under the impression the authors of SG appreciate their commitment to solid punk-art, demands lulz, and lots of them. It's porn disguised as artistic protest, and the fact that the Suicide Girls are obviously clueless only makes the site more tantalizing.

The photography is also pre-school and uninspired. Because the models have been wearing thick pancake makeup ever since they became goths at 13, they all have zits and blackheads the size of your fingernail, and the only solution is for the photographers to edit out everything but their tits with Photoshop. Recently, in order to seem more 'diverse', they have been adding models who are non-white but are not part of any recognizable subculture. Their photography has also gotten even blander than before.

We're Not Porn![edit]

Feminist and bold (read: ugly)!

Despite providing fap material to the masses, the site touts itself as "art".

If you want to piss off a Suicide Girl, tell her she's posing on a porn site. She'll get all prissy and defensive and try to spin it as some kind of liberating feminist experience that's changed the way society looks at women -- never mind that "doing hot-ass porn" is way more edgy and alternative than "empowering women." If they're not naive feminists, then they'll probably try to spin the site as simply "glamor".

Despite promoting themselves as "art" pushers, the makers of Suicide Girls has a habit of selling the rights of the photos to hardcore porn sites. This sparked a lot of drama last Thursday when the models were aghast to find themselves being referenced as cock hungry maniacs in dark corners of the web.

Notwithstanding this, Suicide Girls maintain that they are not porn stars, clearly missing the obvious point that if what they were posing for was not pornography, then hardcore porn sites would not want it.

Internet Police[edit]

A RAPE BLOSSOM APPEARS

Sean Suhl, Missy Suicide and their harem of cock-sucking whores are the Illuminati of porn. Whenever anyone mentions SG, they are there, scoping out the scene and trying to sue people for defamation. They are so paranoid about being badmouthed and copied that they have taken other alternative porn sites, like Deviant Nation and God's Girls, to court for merely existing.

Since they've run the site for so long, they've become convinced that they own the copyright to tattooed knockers. Thusly, they'll sue anyone who dares take pictures of them and posts them to the internet for fapping purposes.

The same e-cops have made it clear that you aren't allowed to express any form of opinion on the website or in the forums about the models, other than "OMG, ur so hawt can i cum on u??"

Stating your opinion, whether just a general remark or a critique is an open invitation for site administration to pwn your ass. Even though you are paying them $4 a month for their shitty small titty emporium, they think they have a right to tell you what to think and say. Unsurprising, considering Mussolini fapped to fatgirl tits and BME rejects during TEH WAR.

Tea (hearts) Hitler!

Last Thursday, a suicide girl who calls herself RAPE BLOSSOM made a set of pictures in which she wore an SS Totenkopf pin, causing enough drama to have the set removed from the site. Nana also enjoys dressing up like a small girl so that she can be drugged and surprise sexed.

Nazi porn/Fake CP on media cruiser

Nana's archival gave a quick and easy solution to girls requesting archive. When Sean would hesitate to archive more famous models so he can make extra sales by posting them as active members, the models would simply slap pro-Nazi images all over their page. INSTANT BANHAMMER.



Exclusivity Clause[edit]

Any fugly emo slut who is stupid enough to apply to become a Suicide Girl must first sign a contract. This is common practice for any modelling agency, but what makes SG special is how they managed to get so many girls to sign just a fucktarded document. The primary contract states that current SG models cannot shoot for a competitor website whilst under contract, especially webites dealing in erotica. This is reasonable for the industry, but SG goes that one step futher, stating that even after the contract is terminated (expires, terminated early, etc.) the model still cannot shoot for another competitior for a further 2 years after the day that the contract expires. SG has tried to maintain a somewhat decent face on this issue, by stating on their website that only models involved in "special projects" are made to sign a exclusivity clause, which is complete bullshit owing to the editor having read a standard SG contract.

In 2005 a dispute over the SG agreement caused many SG models, both under contract and unable to work due to the exclusivity agreement, to move to rival webistes GodsGirls and Deviant Nation. Both GodsGirls and Deviant Nation have both been sued by Suicide Girls numerous times for using models under contract with SG and for apparent "copyright infringment".

"Erotic" Literature[edit]

The tome SuicideGirls : Beauty Redefined - published on December 1, 2008 - contains 396 pages of the most HARDXXXCORE and hawt artistic stills available today on Amazon.com for anyone with access to daddy's credit card. Just when you thought that smashing your modem with a hammer would save you from being blinded by the sun reflecting off one of these pale monstrosities, now you can get them through new medium entirely for the low, low price of $31.32 (plus shipping).

Summer Camp DVD[edit]

In a proud tradition of liberating women, SG decided to honor suggestions and contributions from their models for an upcoming second DVD with a promise of consideration for one of the casting options which led to hundreds of money making ideas and free content in the form of photos and videos. Meanwhile, the DVD was already being filmed with the pre-chosen models who later returned to claim "OMG I AM LIKE SO (DRAMA)TIZED FROM THAT TRIP!" This marketing gimmick backfired on site owner and founder Sean Suhl when he failed to realize that his models are retarded fuckups who can't understand linear time. Their premature ad campaign debuted before announcements had been made on who would be included in the video. The divatastic bitches of SG collectively cried out, "BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL CASTING?!?!"

Lots of exciting drama took place and many lulz were had. LiveJournal was full of images from a secret group called, "beige lion" which is an anagram for "ONE BIG LIE." Beige lion screencaps include the true adventures of saggy-tit faux-punks hiking in the forest and no mentions of bear maulings (much to my dispointment). Fractal even took the time to promote the new DVD with a fake heartfelt plea for sympathy sent to an anti-SG community. Poor baby was hacked and exposed before the message was even read. sob sob sob

BEIGE LION
Sgfuckery1.gif
Sgfuckery2.gif
Sgfuckery3.gif

Moral: If you want everyone to buy your new DVD but don't mind losing 40 staff members then pretend you were raped by a forest animal and hit in the head with your friend's severed leg.

Amina Munster[edit]

The resident gimp has a large fan following, not because she's hot but because she's a total bitch. If newbie models aren't willing to lick her stumps in admiration, then she will proceed to piss on them and make their time with SG hell.

She is recognized mostly for being a butterface twat, acting as though she's the most hardcore SG evar, forcing other fake-titty white trash to be accepted as models, and ragging on other SGs - most notably easy targets like Vanessa Alexandra. The fact that Vanessa is a pathetic Wapanese whinebag does not make Amina any less of a heinous cunt. It is, however, still pretty lulzy.

Amina has also been known to totally fag up promotional work for the site and photography work that she agreed to do. This has caused a mass amount of butthurt in the past and has made her a lot of enemies. If she was any other girl she probably would have been archived, but since Stumpy brings in the green, this probably won't happen until they get another cash cow.

She also thinks that she is more "alt" than all of the other girls because she is in fact, Stumpy. Also, how Universal has not yet attempted to sue her ass for her use of the name "Munster" is anybody's guess. Oh, wait...they likely have no fucking clue she even exists. Nevermind.

Amina's real name is Christina Juliani and now she makes belts that fall apart in 2 hours. She doesn't have a real job and its no surprise why. Who'd hire her gimpy negligent ass.

Hopeful SG's[edit]

Suicide Girl hopeful.

Fallen victim to Suicide Girls tactics, brain-washing and coercion, impressionable young trollops all over the internet are ignoring everything their parents told them and now think that posting naked pictures of themselves online is a desirable and smart thing to do. These young ladies are flocking to apply to be models, and are getting turned down by the barrel full.

The site, however, tells these rejects not to be discouraged by the slam. Instead, they encourage these fuckwits to buy a subscription and then post naked photos of themselves to the site, as if this is somehow going to change the administrations mind and actually garner themselves respect in the process.

To a normal person, this sounds very obviously like paying Suicide Girls to "model" for them, only with out the dignity of actually being called a model. But for some twisted reason, literally hundreds of girls are falling for it.

Models are threatened by the free content provided by hopeful future models (in the HOPEFULS section) and regard them as lesser beings. This might not seem to be "in the spirit of Suicide Girls", but considering Sean Suhl considers the models themselves to be lower than dogshit, it's pretty appropriate that this pecking order has formed.

HOPEFULS OF SG
the threat
clearly a threat
too sm3xy!!1!one! She's doing it wrong.
Get back in the fucking box!
THHRREEEAATT!!!!!!!
it's a taaarrpp@@@@
not model enough for SG
FAIL LOLI

Random Facts[edit]

  • The MySpace profile is viewable to users under the age of 18. Get'em brainwashed while they're young and fresh!
  • The circle jerk is stronger than LiveJournal could ever offer.
  • Suicide Girls is the right place to be if you
    • hate yourself and want to have people compliment you
    • love yourself and want to have people compliment you
    • chronically masturbate to Myspace photos of girls with star tattoos (this is the quality you will receive at SG)
  • Suicide Girls will appear "alternative" to you if
    • you're retarded
    • you're from the midwest (see above)
    • you work at Hot Topic
    • you have a brain tumor
  • Suicide Girls is not for you if
    • you like porn
    • you know how to read
    • you have eyeballs
  • Has-been brainlesswonder frequently trolls LJ group SGirls as user:conceptualpete and nobody cares this time. Bwaaahhhhh wah!!!

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
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