Suicide Squad

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Ten flavours of Fail


Suicide Squad is a story about a group of homeless suburban, underaged Goth prostitutes that would murder people and suck out their souls for a living 100 years ago. Half of them were kidnapped by evil child-molesting demons, that called themselves the government. After their birth they were sent to shit-smelling prison cells equipped with state of the art HDI surveilance camereas and were told to masturbate, on command, for rich Democrats with kiddie fetishes if they wanted to eat.

Mostly, they are a group of highly intelligent people who gangbang a pale, cum soaked Aussie, trap on live television while telling their viewers, over and over, that they're only sticking a baseball bat up the blonde Bitch's ass because it's a necessary step in saving the world.

Characters[edit]

LoliWood advertising at it's best.
  • Harley Quinn - A greedy cockhungry slut caked in $100's worth of makeup that forgets to put it on her neck too making her look even more like a clown since her face and neck don't match. Has a baseball bat that she probably uses as a dildo. Fanfags are crying for ✡Tara Strong✡ to play Harley's Bubbee or Grandmother in the next movie, more than ensuring that the second movie will be even more unwatchable than the first if they get what they want.
  • Batman - A stupid dickhead who kissed Harley Quinn after capturing her because he's probably a rapist. He sounds like his vocal chords got ripped out by a shark when he was 12 and since then, he's been gargling with gravel on a doctor's order.
We ♥️ Cara
  • Enchantress - Cara Delevingne possessed by an evil over 9000 year old witch who dances like an African on acid to do crazy magic spells. If the movie had a PIP box up in the upper left corner of her jumping rope toples it would have actually been watchable.
  • Deadshot - A nigger who was only put in the movie to balance out the minority percentage that is already way too high. Because this is Will Smith and he wants to appear equal to a white man, he doesn't spray and pray with his weapons and actually knows how to care for and use them. He can shoot targets with super-duper 100% accuracy but like a nigger he's almost always firing on full auto. Completely obsessed with his daughter. His over inflated, nigger ego actually has him believing that, one day, he'll be able to out smart a white man at Batman's level and kill him. Funniest part has him explaining trigonometry as if soldiers use it when sniping with a rifle because things like gravity, wind resistance, distance, weather and the fact that bullets make a parabolic arc rather than a straight line easily fucks up that example. This might have been true if he were firing a mortar or the Main Gun on a Battleship, something that you fire into the air and calculate an angle, along with distance, so you can put the shell where you want it to land. The Pythagorean theorem of A2+B2=C2, unlike Will Smith wants you to believe, only works for right triangles and most other triangles require scary math that uses Trigonometric Functions along with the Sine, Cosine and Tan buttons on a scientific calculator. Wil Smith's interpretation of Deadshot and all future Will Smith characters are based on the father from Pursuit of Happiness because it is the one character Wil Smith was given praise for. I hope you like it because you will see this same exact character in every Will Smith movie to come.
Katana, a sop to the Weaboo market.
  • Katana - Crazy Japanese bitch who hides behind a mask and gave up her day job as a Sushi plate to avenge her husband's death. Her sword captures the souls of the all the motherfuckers she kills including the soul of her dead husband. Freakishly, she can only talk to her dead husband when she is using the hilt of her sword as a dildo.
  • Killer Croc - A big green bastard who eats humans and dead goats for dinner. Asked for a fucking TV in his prison cell when he could have asked to have Harley Quinn ride his face while Katana goes cowgirl on him. Your basic Basement-dweller complete with bad skin, horrible smell and inability to talk to girls.
  • Captain Boomerang - A fat bastard with a beard, from down under. He probably shoves his boomerang up his ass when he's alone and doesn't have a sheep handy. If it weren't for Kiteman, he'd be the lamest villain ever.
  • Amanda Waller - If the devil was a nigger woman, then here she is. She assembles a team of idiots to take down terrorists when she could have just sent a bunch of soldiers at 1/10 the cost. How pointless.
  • El Diablo - A crazy spic pyromaniac covered in tattoos that makes him look like a drunken Mexican dressed up as the grim reaper during a day of the dead festival.
  • Flash - Wow! He's a guy that runs fast. We've been trying to figure out who is lamer, him or Aquaman. All we have to say on the matter is, at least you can't ruin Aquaman's day with a banana peel. If one of Batman's villains was fighting him you'd see them using a fall trap using some fishing line to trip him into a hole filled with punji sticks instead of over inflated ego trips that include mirrors or giant boomerangs. Just for shits and giggles, if the Joker used this exact trap he'd probably play a recording of The Dick Grayson Robin saying, "Holy, bloody corpse Batman," while he was looking down at the dying Flash.

Plot[edit]

Cara is just sitting there, waiting for a man to show her to the kitchen
The face of Female Empowerment.

A stupid nigger, that only got her job with the government through Affirmative Action, actually thinks that she is capable of controlling some over 9000 year old witch like she were a weapon because she thinks she knows this witch's weakness and is in control of it.

When everything goes tits up, this nigger that's also a woman and, for some shit reason, someone thought it'd be a cute idea to put her in charge of a super secret government agency to serve as proof that blacks and wimmins shouldn't be trusted with authority so you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that things will go south pretty fast. As a minority and a woman, Waller does what most people in this position would do - she found someone fast as fuck to blame for her fuck up and figured out a way to fix all this in time to save her job.

What's surprising, is that while this Apocalyptic level fuck up is happening, the power's that be still trust Amanda Waller and feel no reason to replace the bitch with one of her subordinates that has been telling the higher ups that Waller is incompetent and that they could be doing her job much better.

Since it has been deemed too dangerous for the military to continue, Waller has the bright idea of recruiting people with nothing to lose and starts recruiting super criminals with multiple life sentences, instead of choosing uneducated, intercity residents for .01% the cost, because there's a good chance everyone will die on this Suicide mission. Now you get the name of the movie.

In formulaic fashion, First we are shown the team and told how hot Harley is because everyone that looks at her wants to fuck her. Like all movies in this genre, no one wants to work together. Then you get the big hug scene where they all bond over their mutually fucked up pasts and beers where they become as disciplined and focused on their mission as a US Army Special Forces team

Just as they're breaking out the lube and playing rock-paper-scissors to see who gets to fuck what hole of Harley's they find out that they were only picked for this mission because there was a high chance that they'd fail. This information is discovered when Deadshot finds Amanda Waller's over 9000 pages of notes and with his Super Nigger speed reading skills reads them all in 5 seconds discovering that the higher up wanted them to fail so all the blame can be placed on them. Even with this discovery - they decide to continue with the mission and come out of no where and win the day, because in superhero movie fashion, that one guy who gave up violence at the beginning of the movie, the El Diablo, is actually the most powerful character on the team and now sees everything was all his fa ult and that his life only got fucked up because he was using his powers selfishly before and not to protect the ones he loves. Because if this self realization, El Diablo's heart grows three sizes that day and everything turns, predictably, in the favor of the movie's heroes.

End of movie, everyone goes home happy. Harley even gets broken out of prison for that double dose of satisfaction.

Should you spend any of your good money on this movie?[edit]

FUCK NO!
We consider this movie a waste of money. Even spending 75 cents for a DVD so you can illegally burn a copy off of the internet is a mistake.

If you really need to see it cuz you want to get Harley's flabby ass burnt into your memory so you can play with a sock on your dick later that day, find a friend who was dumb enough to buy it and borrow it, or when he's not looking - steal it from him.

Trust us, if you steal it you will be giving it back the next day along with $20 to serve as an apology.

This movie and the internet[edit]

All that is going on is fanboys writing petitions and demanding that that dog whistle voiced, no talent, brony bitch Tara Strong be cast in the next movie as Harley's mother.

In the minds of these retards, Arleen Sorkin from Batman The Animated Series never happened and it was, entirely, Tara Strong who made the Character of Harley Quinn popular with fans because that is what Tara tells them and much like a brain washed Scientologist, they can repeat only what is said by what they consider an authority figure.

Screw It: Let's Just Go With A Cara Delevingne Nudie Gallery[edit]



See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

DC Comics

IMDB

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DC Movies Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad Rotten Tomatoes


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