Super GAME OVER
Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts is a shitty SNES videogame made by Capcom. It is THE HARDEST game ever made and is guaranteed to mindfuck any sane person who attempts to beat it, even on easy mode. The game is an
upgraded downgraded version of Ghouls 'n Ghosts with retarded features like double jump for noobs who can't play without air control and whine when confronted to real hardcore arcade because Capcom wanted to take advantage of all the retards who actually spent $70 USD on every version of Street Fighter II.
The game is about a knight named Arthur who must rescue Princess Prin Prin from the evil forces of Satan's cock. The goal is to get as many "GAME OVER" screens as possible. To add more lulz, you have to beat the game twice to win, and have to follow bullshit rules like using a specific weapon to defeat the last boss, otherwise you're fucked and have to repeat the stage again until you win.
Typical gameplay involves screaming "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT" at your television every 30 seconds. The game is impossible to beat unless you are a loser with no friends, and dedicate your entire life to memorizing every chest location, magic spell, and boss pattern in the game. You get killed in just 2 hits, so unless you subscribed to Nintendo Power or bought Game Genie, you're pretty much fucked. During his adventure, Arthur can find hidden treasure chests that contain useless shit like bear traps and dildos. These chests may also contain a random weapon, or points. The weapons can also do magic spells when Arthur wears gold armor:
- Lance - The default weapon, you can only throw one at a time and it's slow as shit. The magic spell is a horizontal lightning strike. Being that the game is 2D, you can already attack horizontally, which means the magic spell completely fucking pointless.
- Daggar - You can throw three at once but they do 0.1 damage each. Don't bother using this against the last boss because you will never beat the time limit. The magic spell summons a flaming dragon that does good damage, but never hits anything because of its bullshit pattern. The only way to beat the final stage is to spam this magic over and over again and don't stop killing yourself until you get it.
- Crossbow - This weapon doesn't shoot in a straight line, but at an upward angle. So you actually can't attack enemies horizontally this time. Very funny Capcom. The magic spell automatically reveals any secret chests nearby, but the animation will give you a seizure. This magic is useless because in order to perform it, you have to be wearing the gold armor, and if you already have the gold armor, then you don't need to look for the fucking chests anymore.
- Axe - In case you haven't figured it out by now, every weapon in the game is useless, but what the fuck. The axe shoots in a circular motion that flies over enemies, so you can't kill anyone. When you wear gold armor the axe can fly upwards, but the animation takes too long, and you can only shoot one at a time, so you might as well just kill yourself and find another chest.
- Torch - The best weapon in the game, if you accidentally picked this up, throw yourself in the nearest pit of flames immediately. After you kill yourself, open the first chest you see and pick up whatever's inside, even if its the axe. No weapon in the history of video games is as useless as this shit, the torch. It has no range whatsoever and it gets thrown in an arc pattern. So no, you can't use it against flying enemies. The magic spell is a shield that doesn't even work.
- Scythe - Travels along floors, can only throw 1 at a time, slow as fuck. The second worst weapon in the game, but Capcom cockteases you by giving it the best magic in the game. The magic lets you summon not one but two tornadoes that KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING! Finally a good magic spell that works, but unfortunately the weapon still sucks ass so you'll probably only see the magic once or twice before getting killed.
- Boomerang - This weapon flies upwards and horizontally before returning back to you. It has terrible range and you will never once successfully kill an enemy with it, let alone a boss. The magic spell is called NUCLEAR MAGIC which sounds AWESOME until you find out its actually shit. An explosion appears above Arthur and then does, guess what? Shoots horizontally. Great job Capcom.
- Goddess' Bracelet - This is the Princess' jewelry, sounds badass right? I bet you can't wait to go fight the flaming forces of hell with a fucking bracelet. It doesn't even have a magic spell and you have to use it on the last boss. If you don't pick this up on the final stage, it repeats until you do. You get this weapon after beating the game's first playthrough. Thankfully you aren't required to use it for the rest of the game because its a piece of useless fucking shit, thanks to this whore you're supposed to save. I hope my endless hours of screaming at the TV and diarrhea from the Chinese food was worth it you spoiled cunt.
- The Graveyard - The first stage and only one which 99% of players see. If this is you're first time playing, good fucking luck because you'll never beat it. Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts requires you to memorize absolutely fucking everything from the first pixel to the last. The only way to win is to keep losing over and over again, until the game's graphics and soundtrack are implanted into your memory forever. After spending 3 hours trying to beat the first screen, you end up fighting a bunch of clams and tomatoes. The final boss is called the Cockatrice.
- The Ocean - You have to keep holding the d-pad or else ghosts will rape you. If you are looking for the dildos, don't open the chests because ITS A TRAP! The raft segment is impossible unless you have the bow with magic armor on. Anything you touch kills you, including seaweed and fucking sponges. What the fuck? The average GAME OVER screens for this level is estimated between 174 and 1,095.
- The Fire Towers - Just give up. It was a good shot, thanks for trying but you've been playing for days now, your clothes smell like shit and you haven't showered since last Sunday. It's just not worth it. If you manage to reach this stage, you fight bear cavalry and bats. The 2-frame animation of pixely, flying red bats will leave its mark in your soul for the rest of your pathetic life. These god damn bats will kill you more than any other enemy in the game. They are the ultimate defense of Satan's mighty cock and no matter what you do, they will piss you off to no end. It's worse than Castlevania.
- The Ghoul's Stomach - Your SNES suddenly indoses crack cocaine, everything gets fuzzy and groovy like it's lightning and clouds and shit! The colors and advanced graphical effects are so god damn powerful you'll get a seizure before the stage even begins. The second segment has no chests, and you can't go back any further so you better pray to Christ that you were holding a good weapon when the stage began. If you have the torch, axe, or sycthe, just reset your console because you basically lost, gg.
- The Frozen Trees - You'll fight more bear cavalry and get anally raped by ice penises that erect from the ground. There are supposed to be chests in this stage, however you will never find any of them so don't bother looking. The boss is some kind of skeleton ice monster or some shit, the sprite looks so shitty you can't even tell what the fuck it is. Just keep spamming the dragon magic and you'll be at
deaththe final stage in no time.
- Fortress of the Cock - 6 days, 20 hours and 58 minutes. That's how long it's taken you to get this far in the game, and it's also how long you will spend trying to beat this fucking stage. Here you fight the red devils (officially "Red Devirer Ace" or some Engrish shit) who will fuck you in the ass, face, and mouth; upside-down, backwards, inside-out and down the street; every day, all night long, until you finally give up and throw your SNES at your television. These are the hardest enemies you will ever fight in your life. Unless you spam that god damn dragon, you'll never beat them, so have fun.
After fighting 5 of these atrocities, you will face the
final boss stage's boss, Astaroth's Cock. Beware the mighty cock, Arthur! He spouts fire all about and shoots plasma beams from his mouth. That doesn't even make any sense but you know what? Fuck it, you got this far so who the hell cares. His second form is the Nebiroth Cock Monster who shoots projectiles that cover the whole screen. He doesn't even have an attack sprite because Capcom never expected anyone to make it this far so they figured nobody would see it anyway. Defeat this mighty foe and pat yourself on the back, because you've finally beat the game!
You wi- JUST KIDDING LOLOL
It's finally over. You missed 7 days of school and you smell like shit, but you did it, you beat the game. However, instead of a congratulatory ending, something strange happens. The Princess' spirit appears and starts talking to you. She says something about the Goddess' Bracelet, a powerful weapon you can use to defeat the final boss. The screen fades black, and Arthur is standing in the graveyard again, at the start of the stage, back at the beginning of the game. At this point, you are so shocked and confused at what is on your television screen, your mind cannot comprehend what just happened.
PLAY THE GAME AGAIN
AND DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME
THANKS FOR YOUR MONEY
You have to PLAY THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME TWICE IN ONE SITTING TO GET THE REAL ENDING. At this point, the joy you felt in your heart while watching the final boss explode is now crushed. Your soul feels gray and empty and you are questioning the existence of God, and perhaps all reality. Is religion a lie? Was your birth an accident? Did Jews do WTC? Perhaps we will never know, but one thing is for sure: you have to play the whole fucking game from start to finish, AGAIN, on a harder difficulty. This means faster enemies, stronger bosses and more shit stains in your pants.
The second game is identical to the first, except you can obtain the Goddess' Bracelet, a shitty weapon that you will never use until you are required to. To get the true ending, you have to complete the final stage using it. Getting the bracelet means opening the stage's 6 hidden treasure chests in a specific order. Not only must you know beforehand where the chests are located, you can't even get hit once, or else it will never appear. Every time you get hit ONCE, have to kill yourself, because you already failed the stage. Thanks Capcom SO MUCH for this excellent gaming experience.
The final boss is Satan's Cock. Rumor has it that he charges his lazors and is the easiest boss ever because he lets you kill him by giving you platforms to reach his weak spot with. However, this can not be confirmed, because nobody has ever beaten the game, not even the programmers. Upon obtaining the Goddess' Bracelet and discovering how shitty it is, your mind completely changes course and your desire to engage in civilian mass murder has suddenly increased to over 9000. You go on Youtube to watch the game's ending, only to discover there is no ending. You tear the cartridge from your SNES and break it with your bare hands. In the frustration, you take a 10 lb shit on the cartridge, record it, and upload the video to Youtube, labeled as the game's ending. Your life is now complete.
There is no ending, fuck you.
Other Games in the Series
- Ghosts 'n Goblins: The first game, it is said to be the hardest game evar on NES. The controls are crap and the music will literally rape your ears. You have to play the game twice, and use a cross against the last boss. However, you will not see this in the American version because Republicans and soccer moms whine and bitch about any religious references in media. It's very offensive and innapropriate. But if your game involves pumping shotgun shells into civilians while smoking and driving into hookers, it's okay. America, fuck yeah! After wasting 5 weeks of your life trying to beat it, all you get is a shitty Engrish ending. I CAN FEEL THE STRONGTH!
- Ghouls 'n Ghosts: It's the same shit except the last boss is a naked transvestite on fire. There are also over 100 versions because Capcom loves your money.
- Ultimate Ghosts 'n Goblins: A game nobody has played because it's on PSP only. You actually get a health bar this time (!!!) but only on easy mode, and everyone knows that if you don't play on professional holocaust mode, you're a pussy. Capcom decided to fuck you again by not only making you play twice, but having to find 33 secret items throughout the game. This means never going to school, never graduating, never getting laid and ultimately dying alone. But hey, at least you beat that videogame! TL;DR there are no dick monsters or flaming transvestites, which is why nobody gives a shit about this game.
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