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Switchiedagger is the name given to a 27 year old flumpback whale found along the Corpus Christi shoreline. She was adopted by her two loving parents, who U-Hauled her back to San Antonio, and converted her to Catholicism. Her hobbies include smoking Camel fats and licking Jack in the Box greasetraps. When she's not on a scale-smashing rampage, she can be found on YouTube crying about Megan Meier's heroic last stand.
I don't liiiike the foods but the foods liiike me
—Switchiedagger bragging about her improperly executed eating disorder
—Switchiedagger reflecting on previous experiences of abusing electronics
"I want to do something before it eats up my entire life." In Soviet Russia, food eats fatty!
Unbeknownst to Switchie, her eating habits are actually life saving. To delay imminent suicide, her psychiatrist secretly replaces the cream in her Twinkies with bottles of Klonopin.
—Switchie's best friend, Yor mom.
Switchiedagger is a dreaded boomerang child. So far, on every attempt to move out, she blew her rent money on crates of Honey Buns and the occasional scalpel, prompting many to wonder, "Why not just slice your fucking wrists open and bleed to death, you hideous blob?"
Curiously enough, she remains openly proud of the fact that splitting a dumpy apartment in the middle of the ghetto and working at Home Depot was the "pinnacle of [her] success."
Switchie often boasts about her immense intelligence despite overlooking obvious hypocracies such as being a Catholic Tarot card reader.
"Doors of opportunity will open up for me." ...too bad you can't fit through them.
Switchiedagger is part of a series on YouTube.