TJ Lane

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U mad bro?
Edgiest court appearance evar

A fine example of citizenry from Ohio, TJ Lane posted the above status update via Facebook two months and several states away before the actual shootings occurred, but news companies are treating it like he posted it the fucking hour before. TJ (which is short for Thizzlehat Junction) was apparently the subject of some extreme trolling and bullying, which prompted him to bring a gun to school and shoot some people for fun.

His killcount stands at 3, getting only hitmarkers on 2 others. Dumbfuck should have used Stopping Power. News agencies flipped their collective shit and Facebook Newsfeeds were shitspammed with ZOMGZ! and redirects to Huffington Post. However, as with any school shooting or killing spree of this sort, all the names of the victims were quickly forgotten, but TJ's name and middle finger continued to hold a place in everyone's memories.

Last Thursday, he was sentenced to 3 life sentences of endless mansex with Bubba in a poorly maintained, filthy Ohio prison.

Graded Score

Graded score
Kill count: 3/20
Accuracy: 8/20
Style: 18/20
Butthurt: 14/20
Bonus: 20/20
T-Shirt & Escaped Prison on 9/11
Total score: 63/100 (D)
First sk00l sh0tt3r to get a second chance, yet you still fucked that up.
See full ranking

Wanted Level:




Mall Cop

Wat happin??/?

Wearing the sweatshirt of Ohio's arch rival for ultimate lulz

The following is a rundown of Monday, February 27, 2012:

  • 4:56a.m. TJ wipes the cum from his book with his hand and closes the book.
  • 4:56a.m. TJ finishes licking the semen from his fingers, and proceeds to pull up his Superman Underoos.
  • 5:30a.m. After raping his cat, TJ sits down at his kitchen table with some cereal and visits 4chan on his iPod.
  • 5:56a.m. After fapping into his milk and drinking it, TJ saves loli to his iPod's memory.
  • 6:30a.m. TJ takes a nap in his hugbox, setting it to Extra Love.
  • 7:10a.m. TJ takes a dump on his sister's panties, then uses the shit as warpaint, also smearing dookie over his balls and buttcheeks, causing him to moan loudly.
  • 7:15a.m. He grabs his cool new Nerf gun he got for Christmas and tosses it in his backpack, so he can show his friends at school.
  • 7:28a.m. TJ walks into the cafeteria of Chardon High School and up to his five best buddies, pulls out his Nerf gun and fires live rounds at their heads, killing one and wounding four others.

Prior to the actual firing, the kid that was killed in the direct shooting was quoted:

TJ, Cut it out! That stings! *BLAM*


— Goodnight Sweet Prince

Our friend TJ fled the scene, retreating north of town before turning himself in to some random people that were waiting for the bus.

The Trial

Seeing a great opportunity for lulz, Lane scribbled the word "KILLER" on a white shirt. The boy proceeded to hide the shirt until he took his place among the trial, spawning enough BAWWWWing and butthurt to power New York City for a month. Sadly all of this raw power went to fuel the countless supplies of farming equipment and to the numerous hunting rifles aimed at deer scattered around the state.

This hand that pulled the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory. Fuck all of you.


— Greatest closing statement ever

This is what the dumb fuck noob wore to court.
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Losing the grin when you realize what fate lies within.. (prison)

Realizing just how much butthurt he generated, Lane couldn't put up a defense in court because he was too busy laughing his ass off, as he was called a "disgusting human being". Worth noting, however, is that these are the same breed of moralfag that say anyone who shows them a picture of goatse is a "disgusting human being". To raeg the crowd even more, Lane gave an inspiring speech to us all that ended in "Fuck all of you" and flipped the bawwwing moralfags the bird. Rage, butthurt, and batshit insanity followed, as Lane trolled the entire courtroom with this swift move.

Unfortunately, his Jew of a lawyer couldn't save the case following this, because Lane did not consider making the jury butthurt in his master plan. The Judge sentenced him to three lifetimes in jail (only in Ohio can someone stay in jail twice as long as they lived after they die), with charges of maximum trolling.

Though his high score pales in comparison to others, our hero managed to stir up enough butthurt and drama for him to be remembered as a legend until two weeks from now, when Ohioans are too drunk/stupid to remember who the fuck he was (unfortunately for him, another crime in the state was getting more media attention, causing his epic deed to go into relative obscurity).

Prison Life

According to sauces, TJ spent the first 18 months in the big house playing the Pokemon card game with himself, pissing on prison walls like an animal, and playing the role of class rebel in his education courses. He claimed that he couldn't read because it hurt his neck (despite the fact that he was hoarding books in his cell), and that learning gave him a migraine, and he found that drawing pictures of kittens on his schoolwork made for a better learning experience. No, srsly.

He was also busted for giving himself 3 tattoos on his bird chest (unknown what the tattoos were of, but believed to be a combination of Pokemon, kitty cats, and the word "killer") and smoking grips of marijuana with the other kool kidz. This resulted in loss of recreation privileges, as if he had any interest in working out or playing basketball anyway.

So basically TJ is continuing to be the backwoods edgelord who shot and killed a couple kids, jerked off to the memories of said killings, and rebels against the system and its institutional learning facilities. The best part of the prison records report was a quote from a teacher who said "he also does not wear deodorant to the point no one wants to sit next to him." Now *that's* edgy!

Can't Chain the Lane

As his face reveals, he's been suffering from a lot of painful buttseks in the pokey.

Then on 9/11 of 2014, in another example of razor-sharp hillbilly edge, TJ and the man presumed to have been reaming his ass in their cell escaped together while the guards were busy participating in remembrance rituals. TJ became the first person ever to get a second chance at achieving the high score in life and will likely return to the same school to redeem his low killcount. The manboyhunt is on.

TJ IF YOU'RE READING THIS HMU YOU CAN STAY AY MY PLACE. Lol disregard that, the dumb fuck already got caught 6 hours after escaping in front of a farm house in the woods, armed with a fucking pitchfork.

You'll never take me alive! lol jk I miss buttsex already

Lane was promptly shipped to the super-max slammer in Youngstown where he now enjoys 23-hour lockdown in a cell the size of a parking space. At least now he has his own jack shack in which he can masturbate to the memory of those teenagers he shot dead in peace for the rest of his life.

Second chance score: 0 kills. Could have maimed a cop with your hay poker, or at least tried to an hero with it, but no, you chose to live out the rest of your life enduring painful buttsex on a regular basis instead. YOU SUCK, FAGGOT. HANG YOURSELF, IT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE BITCH LIFE.

Evolution of Lane

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Last Thursday in 2015, a new pic of TJ was leaked to the public; he now looks like a long lost member of The BeeGees.

OMG! There's a Fanclub?!

Yes. Lots of edgy teenage girls seem to obsess over this punk, similar to the way Columbiners get wet by the 2 fags, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Many girls complimented his look, only further proving that women are fucking retarded as TJ is one ugly son of a bitch. Even though the TJ Lane story is old news at this point, there continues to be hundreds, if not thousands, of creepy fangirls. So yeah... Have fun feeling comfortable after learning about this, dude. News article here.


My love for you is like a bullet About missing Pics
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Earliest News Video

TJ in the Courtroom

Ape Escape


Related Articles

TJ's anus after 3 years in prison.

External Links

TJ Lane is part of a series on Education

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TJ Lane is part of a series on Psychopaths
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3g1h-phone3.jpg Spree/One-time Killers:

Aaron AlexisAbdul Razak Ali ArtanAdam LanzaAlex HribalAli David SonbolyAnders Behring BreivikBaruch GoldsteinBruce Jeffrey PardoCasey AnthonyCho Seung-HuiChris Harper-Mercer Daniel PetricDmitry VinogradovDylann Storm RoofElliot RodgerAmanda KnoxGeorge SodiniGerry McCannJared Lee LoughnerJason RodriguezJeff WeiseJiverly VoongJoe StackJosef FritzlKimveer GillKip KinkelLindsay Kantha SouvannarathLogan ClarkMalik Nadal HasanMarc LepineMark EssexMartin BryantMatthew MurrayMatthew de GroodMatti SaariMaurice ClemmonsMichael CarnealMichael RyanMichael WoodmanseeMutsuo ToiPekka-Eric AuvinenRaoul MoatRobert BalesRobert HawkinsRobert SteinhäuserSebastian BosseSteve StephensTJ LaneTim KretschmerTyler PetersonTheodore "The Unabomber" KaczynskiVester Lee "Bryce Williams" Flanagan IIWade Michael PageZac Penton

Career/Serial Killers:

Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer


Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevOmar MateenSanta ClausTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin LadenEric Harris and Dylan Klebold Sam Hyde

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderCannibal HolocaustParanoid personality disorderSick fuckMurderJewsPolice Brutality

Featured article December 8th & 9th, 2013
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Ryan Lambourn
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Onideus Mad Hatter
Featured article September 13th & 14th, 2014
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