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Tablecow

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This luser is a lolcow, and should be trolled to death in the usual fashion.
You can help by posting their nude pix or spamming their talk page.
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Moar info: Donald Buffkin.
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit their talk page.
Donald Buffkin: the epitome of a lolcow.
Tablefailure1.png
"Oh noes! Custer's Revenge!"

Enter Tablecow, aka Donald Rowland Buffkin (born Feb. 11, 1993), a 21-year-old mentally unstable dickrider from Jacksonville, Florida, determined to destroy ED for the one he loves, Taekesi.

It all began in late 2008 on Youtube, when he created an account pretending to be Ickeriss69 and went on defending him to the masses. This caught the attention of some users and he began getting trolled. His dox were dropped, and he finally decided to leave the internet in a typical butthurt fashion.

Little did everyone know that he'd be back with a vengeance, by getting involved with an anti-troll group on Youtube too irrelevant to mention, and then white knighting Taekesi, a failed Youtube hacker. All of this has lead up to his e-life causing some serious shit for his real life, such as his slutty girlfriend Kammy dumping his autistic ass, as well as his parents finally unplugging his box, thus taking away his life.

Contents

A Challenger Appears

   
 
I've sent Taekesi about 100 messages on YouTube, he's replied to one of them so far.
 

 
 

Tablecow2013.jpg
Tablecow2014.jpg
Tablecow olderimg.png
"Do not talk shit about me or I will spend tireless hours trying to tie you into a trolling group."

Tablecow has had quite the hard life, bullied IRL and OTI. His 15 seconds of fame came about when he was trolled off the internet by the likes of TehBigToaster. Yes, THAT guy. Being the outcast of his family for being a socially awkward mouth breathing retard, he craves attention on the internet and will do anything to gain acceptance and love from his peers.

He openly admitted to having a 2 inch penis and being anti sex because it ruins friendships, despite his voice being nasally and sounding like he's ready to accept a throbbing cock in his mouth at any second. Regardless of the size of his penis, Tablecow couldn't get any tail no matter how hard he tried. Incredibly, it has been observed that Tablecow is autistic, as displayed by his unrealistic expectations of the internet as a whole. He's also prone to defend furries and their sick fuck beliefs. Despite his die hard fanboyism of Taekesi, little does he know he is being used solely as a pawn. Not even his internet god Taekesi loves him.

Round 2

Not learning from his first bout with trolls on the internet, Tablecow came back in 2011 and this time, ED caught his attention. Going as far as to write to ED administrators asking for permission to DDoS the site, he also came into IRC crying about Taekesi's article not being deleted. As per usual, he was laughed off of IRC for having a micro-penis and he decided to take his angst out on mic for everyone to hear (with recorded goodness).

During this time, he impersonating some guy he knew IRL named Joseph, an actual cool bro whose Facebook profile revealed himself drowning in babes (this being the ideal lifestyle for Tablecow). While impersonating him, he made several comments about Joseph's (now-ex) girlfriend such as, "that beautiful angel", along with being completely up to date on the two's relationship status, confirming himself as a legitimate e-stalker.

Tabletard Never Learns

Tablecow dlpic.jpg

In 2014 he resurfaced yet another time to try to edit his own article some more, and to use sock accounts to upload a slew of random images pertaining to Amanda "Mewen" Brown, Brittany Holechko, and half-naked little boys, further confirming him as a pedophile. He also confirmed himself as a stalker by uploading copies of court documents charging him with stalking younger women at the university he both works at and attends.

A winning quote from Donnie's Facebook account.

Once his dox were posted as a result, he futilely attempted to delete them, and when that of course didn't work, he decided to try to challenge ED some more by uploading a photo of his own driver's license, thus confirming all of his personal information.

This is obviously a cry for attention, considering this is the same kid who was crying in IRC a while back about having this article deleted, and constantly tries to edit it section by section whenever he thinks people aren't paying attention. The only attention this got him of course was another ban.

In a May 6 Facebook post, Donnie appears to claim ownership for ED's brief hiatus, despite the face that it was actually due to server costs. None of his 10 friends liked the post.

PsychoCow

"How dare you post that on ED! I'm gonna cut myself to make you feel guilty!"
You're lucky that he did not slit his throat to write your name.
@above, But he won't kill himself, though. But he's gonna do it!
Worshipping a faggot on the Internet with no life permitted.
"I have become more, because Taekesi called me a Legende."

Upsetting a true legend like Tablecow may cause him to slit his own throat and use a paint brush to write your name on something that's very near to him. Tablecow admitted to have thoughts of cutting himself to bleed, but has excuses to do so, because he's a bigger pussy than an emofaggot. This truly is a sign of being a mental disturbed individual, however Tablecow admits that he's nothing more than a resource wasting abomination that needs to be removed from this planet. BUT! He now realized his destiny, the purpose to remain alive in this world is having the permission to worship Taekesi. He believes that being called a Legende by Taekesi will make him more than a failure .


   
 
Taekesi bestowed on me when he called me a legend
 

 
 

—This an big accomplishment in Tablecow's mind.

Taking Down ED

Donate plz so I can take down ED.
He will dedicate his life to the cause.

One day, Tablecow had the revelation that maybe Taekesi would actually talk to him if he was successful in having the article removed. For a week straight, he continuously sockpuppeted, each account attempting to blank the article, and being reverted and banned within 30 seconds. The next week, he took a different approach, and tried to make peaceful negotiations in ED IRC.

ED Accounts

THE E-WAR RAGES ON!

DDoS

 
 
Dear Encyclopedia Dramatica I would be much obliged if you would give me and Taekesi legal authority to distributed denial of service your site.

I would like signatures from those legally responsible of Encyclopedia Dramatica that I would not be held liable for any distributed denial of service attacks I will do on your site. I would also like you to waiver Taekesi from being legally responsible and liable for any distributed denial of service attacks on your site.
 


 

—Tablecow emailing an ED admin

He and Taekesi, did try to DDoS ED (most likely with one of the many skiddie tools linked to from our own article). Their attack can only be described as "less than successful" seeing as the wiki stayed up throughout the course of the "attack", enabling dedicated EDiots to publish lulz as they were happening.


   
 
<garrett> cloudflare is eating up the attack and blacklisting all of your bots, nice ddos
 

 
 

gg


   
 
it was just a test ddos for the real one, ed will be removed from the internet
 

 
 

—An update

After being banned from the channel due to extreme levels of butthurt, he took up his case in Arbchat, only to be once more mocked and ridiculed. His final solution was to attempt to talk with ED admins over Skype. Needless to say, they were not impressed.

Skype Quotes

   
 
No comment
 

 
 

—When asked if he did in fact have a micropenis

   
 
I do not know that girl at all. Just don't upload anything about her!
 

 
 

When his girlfriends Facebook was posted. Not his girlfriend, he was pretending to be someone else he knew IRL

   
 
An IP is what hackers use to track people down.
 

 
 

—Pointing out the amazingly obvious

   
 
I will just fight until it's deleted, we will keep deleting it until it is gone forever.
 

 
 

—Tablecow threatening to round up some Taekesi supporters and vandalize a protected article.

LOL I TROLL YOU GUISE

<Praetor> a fgt let him speak
* tablecow ([email protected]) has joined #ed
<beefrave> TABLECOW
<beefrave> TABLECOW
<tablecow> i am not tablecow
<beefrave>  THERE WE GO 
<tablecow> i am meepsheeps alt
<tablecow> i have been from the start
<rst8> i know
<polyesterpeanut> wh is he
<beefrave> PM
<beefrave>  ME 
<hipcrime> nope tablecow
<rst8> wheere is meepsheep
<tablecow> yes
<B2> I'm so confused...
<Praetor> buttsex
<hipcrime> fl.vzw
<rst8> what
<tablecow> tablecow never existed
<beefrave> TABLECOW
<hipcrime> rite.
<rst8> WHAT
<hipcrime> ok
<tablecow> this is all meepsheep
<beefrave> meepsheep
<rst8> IM SO CONFUUESED
<beefrave> hit me up 
<hipcrime> mhm
<beefrave> om 
<Meia> meepsheep
<Praetor> ploy
<Meia> `up
* J87 has quit (client exited: )
<rst8> you arent mod
<tablecow> if you write an article about me you are being trolled by meepsheep
<Mu> lolno
<hipcrime> tablecow is [email protected] * Tablecow
<hipcrime> tablecow on #arbchat 
<hipcrime> tablecow using allah.irc BISMILLAH AR RAHMAN AR RAHIM
<hipcrime> tablecow has been idle 2mins 19secs, signed on Sat Aug 27 19:34:46
<hipcrime> tablecow End of /WHOIS list.
<hipcrime> -
<hipcrime> tablecow is [email protected] * Tablecow
<hipcrime> tablecow on #ed 
<hipcrime> tablecow using allah.irc BISMILLAH AR RAHMAN AR RAHIM
<hipcrime> tablecow has been idle 4secs, signed on Sat Aug 27 23:52:16
<rst8> i dont write articles
<hipcrime> tablecow End of /WHOIS list.
<hipcrime> hm
<NekoArc> lol opera
<rst8> i cleane them up
<Meia> meepsheep
<hipcrime> i cooked that up. :D
<tablecow> yes?
<hipcrime> hehe
<Praetor> or perhaps the article itself becomes so believe able its a troll itslef
<Meia> should I delete Taekesi's article?
<rst8> no
<Mu> no
<tablecow> yes
<tablecow> delete taekesi's
<Meia> I'm asking meepsheep
<Meia> ok
<rst8> wait did taekesi ever exist
<tablecow> no
<tablecow> taekesi exists
<rst8> are you srs
<tablecow> but those are not his dox
<Praetor> he srs
<rst8> but is the article false?
<Praetor> yeah they r my dox
<rst8> wat
<Praetor> shhh
<Mu> wait what?
<rst8> .....
<tablecow> yes
<Praetor> you will see in time
<tablecow> and zaiger said not to write anymore about tablecow
<rst8> whee
<Mu> proof
<polyesterpeanut> how do you dox somethings thats fake or am i just being retarded right now
<tablecow> because he found out that tablecow is my alt and ihm is trying to manipulate
<Praetor> unless its a dox of someone else

After pulling this, ED mods decided to give him his five minutes of glory by deleting the article.


   
 
This is... this is the happiest night of my life!
 

 
 

To Tablecow's dismay, the article was restored within five minutes, enabling ED admins to prolong their laughing at him.

Constant Whining

Donald constantly whines about how unfair it is that we have articles uploaded about him. However the only reason that they are here in the first place is his persistent whining and moaning. If not for being such a paranoid narcissist that rambles on and on about how unfair his middle class suburbian life is... He would not even have the articles uploaded in the first place. Added to this he constantly tries to play the victim all while bullying other people who actually do have problems and are well regarded by other people.

A fine example of him playing the victim card here. - Ah Shane Hugashit. It was a fine conversation. Shame that Shane is an intellectual termite compared to my Godlike power.

Denial of His Micropenis

Donald constantly denies having a micropenis. His imaginary ex-girlfriend confirmed that he was a both a virgin and that she broke up with him for his small package. I spent hours with a penis pump trying to look big but it did not even help in the slightest. Although even if my penis was normal sized I would still have a hard time getting an erection because I am constantly getting hit in my groin by women for my unwarranted advances! My imaginary ex-girlfriend then told my much brothers everything about me. Now everyone thinks that I am even more of a loser.

Vicious Bullying

Donny the dumbfuck loves to bully those who are actually productive members of society and do things with their time. One such case is a satanist youtuber that he makes fun of for having a garden. Rather than respect the hardwork and dedication put into fostering such a tribute to nature... Donny mocks him and calls him flowerboy. This is all documented and can not be deleted no matter how much Donny tries to demand this article be deleted. He can be found whining in IRC chat late at night (probably unable to sleep because of the mean things written about him online). Whenever caught, he tries to gain sympathy by claiming to have no fwiends. He also tries many other blame diversion tactics that he is not smart enough to carry out.

White Knighting

Donny constantly defends other people on the internet and plays the hero so that "I can sit back and masturbate to my own image plastered over Jesus Christ's head" (direct quote). In reality Donald does not care about the people he defends in the slightest and only does it to stroke his own ego.

TableAsshole.png

Donald the Kiddie Fiddler

Being the desperate lonely man he is, Tablecow unleashed his immense desire to get laid onto the internet. This lead him to Mewen Brown , 15 year old YouTube troll whom he attempted to solicit nudes from, as well as wrote poetry for his e-girlfriend.


   
 
^___^

your the most adorable though
your beauty is astounding
i will enjoy writing poetry about you

 


 
 


   
 
Awesome my friends on runescape our going to be so jealous

i love you vm ^___^
i feel like shouting this fact from the top of a moutain
i will make a song soon okay?

 


 
 

Surprisingly, this wasn't the last time that some pedo attempted to e-date Mewen, but that's another story.

Night.jpg Moreevidence.jpg Damningselfie.jpg

Notapedo.jpg

Quotes

   
 
i am thinking of getting my dick cut off so people stop talking about sex
 

 
 

   
 
I can masturbate as fast as
 

 
 

—wait... as fast as what?

   
 
ed is down and i am not taekesi, taekesi above my level and definately above yours

show some respect
 


 
 

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Facts

  • Has a god complex, does not respect boundaries, and is a control freak.
  • Obsessive creeper that puts pictures of women he harasses on his walls.
  • Has an IQ of 112 but claims to be a misunderstood genius whenever he is wrong.
  • Begs people to be his friend and is a radical christian.
  • Thinks telling people to die in a fire and harassing video bloggers is win trolling.
  • Viciously bullies innocent people for no reason. Bullies fictional characters and makes offensive comments IRL (when confronted he pretends that he did not say anything wrong though).
  • Entitled asshole that constantly tries to personal army people against those that offend him slightly.
  • Is on video recording admitting to being the one making fun of himself. I could even be the one who wrote his own articles given how much of an attention seeking loser I am.
  • Is a massive coward IRL that almost cries whenever he is talked to.
  • Believes trolling is ruining the internet with idiocy and "trying too hard."
  • Claims to be a Marxist and a feminist. However him being a massive asshole to women proves this to be a complete falsehood. He also hordes his money like the dragon from The Hobbit rather than give to the less fortunate and then moans about income inequality in the United States.
  • Constantly yells that he is going to an hero even though every-time he tries to jump off a bridge he curls into the fetal position and soils himself. Despite no one trying to stop him (even going far as encouraging him), he can not do it... Instead he will continue to troll forums by attrition
  • Spews old memes 24/7 and edit my own article only to try to blame other people.
  • Shakes his computer scream and starts yelling if he is losing a video game...
  • Attempts to troll himself.
  • Lacks trolling etiquette and will attempt to fail troll anyone in his way.
  • Hates comic books and devours them.
  • Screams obscenities at women entering abortion clinics.
  • Believes that he is the most creative man on the planet. It is a recorded fact though that he copies the brilliant work of other people and publishes it as his own.

Yepstupiddonnydonniedumbfuck.jpg Hackinghisownphotobucketz.jpg

Pretender

Will always whine about people driving by my house and setting me up for stuff. Constantly complains about Verizon stealing/locking my account. Also whines about youtube. I also engulf my own sperm. Indent2.jpg Imachachachia.jpg Irishtaxiimpersonatorright.jpg

How to Troll

  • Tell him that his brothers or just someone at his school is conspiring against him and watch him sift through his USB drives of youtube screenshots and start obsessively whining about how there is a plot against him.
  • Make fun of his anorexic body, horse face, or tell him what a scumbag he is. Donny will lump you into his enemies list and try to attache you to ED so that he can come into IRC and make empty threats.
  • Inform him that he smells like yogurt.
  • Call him a script kiddie, failure, or tell him he is irrelevant.
  • Remind him that he is an registered sex offender and still a virgin. He will start shrieking at the top of his lungs for you to shut your fucking mouth.
  • Inform him that his barrage of racist, sexist, and anti-Semitic jokes are not funny.
  • Tell his parents about his idiocy and get them to close his youtube account. He will run to a public library and start up another one.
  • Hate on Taekesi... He will praise you and white knight for you to get back at legende. Or praise Taekesi and watch him whine about how you are with ED on a massive conspiracy against him...
  • Inform him that no amount of whining will ever have this article removed.
  • Defend someone ED has an article about. People might automatically assume he did it and Donald has no problem taking credit for accomplishments that he did not do.
  • Tell him that there are women out there smarter than him and he will call you various names and swing at you with his skinny arms.

See Also

External Links


Einsteinaspie.jpg Tablecow is part of a series on Aspies.
Tablecow is part of a series on Internet Humanitarianism
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Tablecow is part of a series on YouTube.

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