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Team Fortress 2
Team Fortress 2 (often abbreviated as TF2) is a class based, war-themed, hat and dress-up simulator for the PC, Linux, consoles and Mac. Originally, it was a faithful recreation of the original Quake and Half-Life mod, Team Fortress Classic, but has since evolved from its original design into a pointless virtual collect-a-thon, where players now must hoard every cosmetic item they can, by any means necessary, in order to inflate their egos and show off their E-peen. The "skill" term that was present around this game before hats arrived, was transformed into a substandard concept by the majority of delusional idiots who do not only believe "skill" now defines the volume of your virtual wardrobe and not your concrete in-game talent but actually consider that any and all skilled players are "hackers" who should be "reported" and/or voted off the server. The original point of the game revolved around cookie-cutter first-person shooter gimmicks, such as capture the flag (aka intelligence), pushing a bomb to the enemy base, deathmatch (Arena, now defunct) and capturing control points (by Scout rushing every map). Now all this is nothing more than a small minigame to pass the time with, while players wait for more weapons and "rare" items to magically drop into their inventory. Players lost interest in playing the actual game and they spend most of their time doing fuck all on dilapidated and modified web-hosted servers. It was once played and cherished by many gamers; however, the game has changed drastically since it became free-to-play on June 23rd, 2011. Nowadays, the game is only played by the biggest faggots that you could possibly imagine, and 13 year olds. Unlike other Source games, Team Fortress 2 failed to be an eSport, simply because Valve never really cared about it in the first place, the community is brain dead and the game itself is a heap of shit.
Weapons used by all classes
Sometime last Thursday, Valve decided it would be fun to introduce a small collection of melee weapons which functioned in the exact same way as the default melee weapons, essentially making them nothing more than expensive cosmetic reskins. The Spy and the Engineer can't use these reskins except the Saxxy for some reason.
- Saxxy: A Gold trophy depicting TF2's very own Australian Chuck Norris, Saxton Hale. It turns killed enemies into Australium statues. It shines/glows in the dark so it makes for easy target practice for snipers.
- Frying Pan: Originally only used by the Demoman and the Soldier. The only reason you'd want to use it is because the Scout can swing it faster than every other class, which results in MAXIMUM EARRAPE! In a recent update, they added Strange Bacon Grease, which turns unique pans into strange pans.
- Conscientious Objector: A wooden road sign used by Christfags and hippies alike to hit people over the head with when others don't agree with them. The sign can be painted with random images using the Decal Tool.
- Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on the top. Yet another promotional weapon awarded for buying the "Total War Master Collection", a selection of shit games you won't play.
- Bat Outta Hell: A skull attached to a backbone. You can only get it if you get it by chance from a Mann Co. crate or buying it from the Mann Co. Store. Either way you have to fork out real jewgolds for it.
- Memory Maker: A fucking camera. Awarded to the sad cunts who submitted their entries to the Second Annual Saxxy Awards and made it to the finals.
- Ham Shank: A joint of meat which you hold by the bone. Awarded in Genuine quality for buying a game nobody cares about.
- Golden Frying Pan: The ultimate coda to TF2's trading craze. Introduced in the November 28 Two Shitties update, only available if you earn it after completing the Tour, even then you have a 0.000000000001% chance of earning it. It now takes the cake for the rarest weapon in the game. A guy sold it for $5400.
Just because they thought TF2 wasn't that gay yet, Valve announced that they would release items that would be given out at random during play, to force no-lifes and children to spend even more time on this fucked up game. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. Realizing how much jew golds can they earn, Valve started releasing shitload of pay-to-get hats, which players would happily spend money on instead of buying drugs or sex. For a full list of these hats, go here.
These are some of the more notable hats in the game which are now "Retired"; unavailable by crafting, random drops, via the Mann Co. store or "Unusual" crafting:
- Batter Helmet: Scout's baseball cap because he's a wanna-be Babe Ruth.
- Soldier's Stash: A 'Nam style helmet with an Ace of Spades and blunts for Soldier to smoke.
- Pyro's Beanie: This name supports Pyro's latin background theory. Pissed off profags who thought the fan on top of the bean hat could spin.
- Demoman's Fro: Demoman removes his suburban skull cap to reveal his stereotypical Blaxploitation afro.
- Football Helmet: Heavy, being the American loving Eastern European he is, has a team-colored football helmet since he was too overweight to be a good football player.
- Mining Light: Engineer straps a light to his work hat. Whoop-de-doo.
- Prussian Pickelhaube: Fun fact, this medic hat is not a Nazi hat it was an imperial German one.
- Trophy Belt: Literally Sniper's default fedora with crocodile teeth. Lame.
- Fancy Fedora: And by fedora it's a trilby as Valve was too dumb to differentiate this Spy hat.
As TF2 progressed down its path to becoming complete shit, a number of non-playable characters appeared. Really, Valve doesn't give a shit about any of them except for Saxton Hale, who is basically an Australian version of Chuck Norris who is slightly less unfunny but far more forced. One noteworthy fact about Saxton is that his name is an anagram for hot anal sex. The only other character even worth mentioning is The Announcer/Administrator, who is a bitchy chain-smoking hag that sits in a chair and yells about how much you suck at the game.
- Ms. Pauling: The Administrator's assisstant and a cock tease of Scout's.
- Heavy's Family: Heavy has a small Russian lady whose Heavy's mom and three younger sisters who, being brawny Eastern European women, are all about the same size as the gigantic heavy. Also the youngest sister, Zhanna, keeps fucking the RED soldier.
- The Horseless Headless Horsemann: An instakilling faggot with a fuckload of health, who appears during halloween events, but can be spawned and killed on player-servers to get the achievement at any time of the year anyway and used only on fun servers by server admins to troll. If you assisted in killing it for the first time and not die when it's been killed, you get an achievement and get "haunted metal" to craft one of the two halloween-themed shitty hats or HHH's axe. One of hats is a skull and the other is a round hat with a load of Voodoo shit on it. They're both fuck ugly, nobody likes them and those who do have one, or both of these hats, bought them from the Mann Co. store and used their Haunted Metal for the axe. But don't get too excited, because the axe is just a reskin of the Eyelander, a shitty weapon nobody uses because it's useless. You would only craft one for e-peen.
- Merasmus: A 9000 year old wizard from Hogwarts who's now RED Soldier's butt buddy after getting his ass kicked by the RED team.
- Monoculus: A shitty Halloween-themed arena boss. It's basically a giant brown eyeball that floats around, raping anyone or anything that gets in the way by shooting out fireballs. This boss isn't as fucking difficult to beat as Mersamus or the Horseless Headless Horsemann, however it can choose to "leave" or "return" to or from the game with a message popping up every fucking time it happens. It has been said that this eyeball is the Demoman's missing eye, but of course, this is just some bullshit theory made up by the less-than-intelligent TF2 community, with Valve having yet to respond to this claim. If you manage to beat this boss, you get a free shitty hat via the random drop system.
- Redmond Mann: One of Zepheniah Mann's sons who hired a bunch of mercenaries to take down his brother, Blutarch Mann to claim territory and total dominance over him. He is the leader of Reliable Excavation Demolition.
- Blutarch Mann: Zepheniah's second son who leads Builder's League United, and like Redmond, has only one primary goal: to eliminate his brother's army and claim his territory. The BLU team is often the underdog, hence getting their ass kicked all the time by the RED team. Valve even shows their bias for the RED team in their "meet the team" videos.
- Gray Mann: The third son of Zepheniah Mann, however, unlike his brothers, he did not hire a fuckload of mercenaries to take down his arch rival brothers. At least 100 years ago, Gray was kidnapped by an eagle who had mistaken him for food and his two brothers haven't seen him in ages. When he returned, he realized how much he'd missed over the years of being kidnapped, and realized that his brothers were engaged in an ongoing war for land and money. Gray, also wanting to have this land and money that his brothers were fighting over, built an army of robots filled with money and sent them to destroy Blutarch and Redmond and their armies, marking the birthdate of co-op mode.
THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ON SPUF.
Some time ago a weapon called "Jarate" was added to the Sniper's arsenal. Jarate is basically a jar full of Australian piss. It supposedly started out as an April Fool's joke, until Valve decided to make it an official unlockable for the Sniper. The TF2 forums were immediately filled with over 9000 threads crying about Jarate being gross and immature, and demanding the rolling back of the item through a petition. Their petition failed and nothing of value was lost.
- Mentlegen: a shitty image macro of the spy. Terribly unfunny.
- Nope.avi:Nothing but the engineer saying Nope. Do you want to read about it?
- Spy Crabs: shortly after the game's release, it was discovered that holding out your Disguise Kit, looking straight up, crouching, and then moving around resulted in the Spy walking in a wonky manner not unlike a crab. This became an overused meme among unfunny /b/tards. It's not uncommon to see a couple of wannabe-funny tards crabbing around for entire matches while onlookers point fingers and/or guns at them. Many a YouTube video documenting their shenanigans has been posted. The phenomenon has also spawned a "Save the Endangered Spy Crabs" campaign, perhaps to counter the tendency for players who decide to kill Spy Crabs, or to parody the various campaigns employed by ecoterrorists to prevent the gathering of vital natural resources. Whatever the case, often medics participating in the campaign will use their ubers on the Spy Crabs to keep them alive as long as possible. In an update, the Spy gained another taunt for the kit that puts the spy in the spy crab pose and he'll click his kit open and closed like a crab.
- Bonk! Songs: another popular fad on the internets was to make covers of well-known songs using nothing but the scout's "Bonk!" and "Boink!" sound effects, in a manner not unlike the utilization of PINGAS. The original Bonk Song was of that theme that plays during NFL games. The Bonk Song, as well as some other unfunny TF2 shit, became extremely popular on YouTube and gained more than 100,000 views back when that meant something. Nowadays people have thankfully forgotten about this rejection of human advancement.
- Viral Faggotry: valve decided to make different videos of classes comparing cock sizes. They decided to name them the "Meet the Team" videos. Every video is a documentary of a different class and their particular quirks. One of them is about a fucking sandwich.
—Some retard who sucks at Team Fortress 2
A friendly player or more commonly referred to as "a friendly" are TF2 players who have realized that they are far too severely autistic to comprehend a simple FPS game and are completely useless to the rest of their team so they resort to wandering around the map like lost man-children getting into pointless antics with people from the enemy team that are also "friendlies". They are usually insecure attention whores that spout annoying shit in chat or obsessively spam their mic to try and be funny but just end up looking like full blown retards instead. Friendlies have recently become quite popular in TF2 games which is a sure sign that people don't really give a fuck about the actual gameplay and are more concerned with making other people pay attention to their unfunny in-game faggotry.
An easy way to tell that you're in a game with a friendly is by looking at the chat to see if any tards are flooding it with "DO NOT KILL ME I AM FRIENDLY" or "LETS CONGA IN THE CENTER OF MAP DO NOT KILL". Or if they're communicating via mic you may hear the faint wheezing of an obese neckbeard behind the ear shattering mic spam of some shitty brony song followed by some dipshit Heavy jumping around aimlessly somewhere on the map (probably wearing a lot of cosmetics). Two things could happen at this point: The rest of the team realizes that there is no chance they are going to win this round of capture the flag with a large percent of their teammates playing around like little kids in special ed class so they succumb to the friendlies and you are left with a huge orgy of autists masturbating over their microphones while thinking about how funny and witty they are for playing the game "their" way. Or they try to ignore the friendlies and actually play the game which will just lead to the friendlies getting more and more desperate for attention until they somehow get it.
If at any point you dare kill a "friendly player" you will be overcome by a wave of both little kids and full grown men alike all going into autistic fits about how you only killed them because you're a troll and a hater. You are now considered an "unfriendly" AKA someone who is actually trying to play the game. Almost everyone in the game will harass you until you either grow tired and leave or get votekicked out. This is why most people try to avoid killing them but if you do decide to kill one you should try to target them over and over because it is a very effective way of trolling TF2's community of basement dwelling ogres.
Some things a friendly might try to say to defend themselves include:
"Um excuse me you is interrupting our furry scat RP pls do gay ass video game somewhere else ^.^"
"you're a dick you didn't even have to kill me im not doing anything to you"
"I'm playing the game how I want! How do you know this isn't how the game is intended to be played!?"
"lol u must suck at the game if you have to kill friendlies"
"Go play CoD faggot TF2 isn't mature enough for you"
"ASjflkdhsgSKG OOGA BOOGA I SMEER SHIT ON FACE NOW U KILL FRIENDLY"
If you want to find a friendly in game they are usually located in capture the flag maps and orange/party maps. You can easily find them sitting in the sewer systems of Two Fort moping around like snobby little children who didn't get their way, most likely showing off some stupid taunt or hat that they bought with their jew parent's credit card.
—Fetus Russian warden cunt
Jailbreak is a boring as fuck custom gamemode in, not only Team Fortress 2, but a lot of other games as well. You either play as the prisoners, wanting to kill yourself every second you play, or play as the guards, feeling like a fucking god among the other players.
The prisoners are the warden's bitch, so have fun playing as a prisoner you cunt. The prisoners have to do every single fucking thing that the warden says, even if it's fucking insane or against the rules. Don't complain though, because the warden will go on a diaper tantrum and call you a cunt and say you shouldn't be playing jailbreak. As a prisoner, there are multiple boring as fuck minigames that you can play.
- Deathrun - A boring game that most child Russian wardens force you to play.
- Fall game - A game that could be fun if the warden knew how to disable collisions.
- Crush game - Same as fall game.
- Russian roulette - A broken game that should be removed but they won't because they're lazy cunts.
An easy way to troll people on this gamemode is to go on guards and start killing all the prisoners. This will get all the players pissed off at you 100% of the time, screaming in chat that you're a freekiller and shit like that. Some faggots might even call an admin, but they won't join because they're lazy cunts who are too busy sucking Valve's dick to get more unusuals for a bigger E-peen. The entire server will be against you, and you might even have a thread made all about you in some Steam discussions.
- Gentlemen, a shitty meme
- Half-Life, you know, VALVe
- Counter-Strike, the most played game because people are getting sick of Valve's antics and autistic faggots.
- Overwatch, a more lame version of TF2.
- Battleborn, a more lame version of Overwatch.
- Autism, wihch is optional, unlike Minecraft, where full-blown autism is required.
- Steam, where you play it on
- Valve, the developers behind the game
- Virgin, everyone who plays it
- /v/, where there will be shitfests
- Piss, the secret sixth element of this game
- Griefing, which occurs
- Five Nights at Freddy's
- nope.avi, another shitty TF2 meme
- EverQuest II, another cash shop hat-trading simulator
- Ace of Spades a similar game but without the hats.
- Brink, TF2 with more fail and less hats.
- Soldier Of Fortune II - TF2 only with more 13 year old boys and no hats or rings.
- Killing Floor - Zombies with hats.
- Yuikami - She is infecting TF2 with GOTIS. Also the only girl on TF2.
- The Unknown Autobot - Who has never actually played the game, despite appropriating countless images and soundclips from it in his videos.
- Fedora - The faggot's chapeau of choice.
- Official Site/Blog
- Official Wiki
- Official Forums AKA "SPUF" - Everyone here is a fucking moron.
- TF2 Trading Post - Mannconomy in action.
- Thor, dildo horse dong bat download
- An entire image board of TF2 art
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