Ted Haggard (moar lyk "Bed Faggard" am I not correct?) once was the leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and is TOTALLY STRAIGHT GOD DAMNIT! Haggard is a popular evangelical pastor at the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, as well as a member of Jesus’ political party. Despite this, Haggard hired a predatory homosexual prostitute into having mindblowing buttsecks while snorting massive mounds of methamphetamine.
Last Thursday, Haggard released a statement admitting it was true that he got hookers and blow on a regular basis. But there was a perfectly reasonable explanation!!!111 He only bought the meth to “tempt” himself. As for the gay whore, he was just giving Pastor Ted a massage, not a hardcore ass-drilling with a creamy gut shake. When asked to comment on this explanation, a spokesman for the Internets said “LOL”.
He was outed by his gay, drug dealing hooker, Mike Jones. Jones said he had only recently learned of Haggard's true identity, and explained his reasons for coming forward by saying, "It was for teh lulz."
If you’ve ever wanted to see an evangelical leader be forced to deny to the world that he’s had gay sex with a hooker and enjoys using speed while his wife sits right next to him, well, this is just your lucky day, isn't it? LOL, Jesus.
Except, It Was Not All Just a Misunderstanding
On Sunday, November 5, 2006, Ted Haggard released a statement confirming not only that he is an active crystal queen, but that he prefers it at least eleven inches deep in his ass. The twink population of Denver proceeded to shiver and vomit in fear, as it is only a matter of time before Ted comes a lookin’.
The Ballad of Ted Haggard
and another one:
On Tuesday, February 6, 2007, Tim Ralph (Haggard's anti-gay counselor) announced in The Denver Post that Baby Jesus had performed a miracle and removed all signs of faggotry and pen0r from Haggard's life and he was 100% cured and -thus- "completely heterosexual". Only not. Thus forming the colloquialism, "Ted Haggard straight".
Ralph later said what he meant to say that the therapy "gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."
Ted Gets PayPal
Despite the fact that his former employers, the New Life Church, agreed to pay his $138K salary through 2007, Haggard has issued his former flock a letter ( August 2007 ) begging that they donate to support him, for which he promises that they be will "rewarded in heaven". You can see the full TL;DR letter here.
Ted and his wife NEED this support because they are going back to school for two years to get master's degrees in Counseling. Which school, you may wonder? It's America's leading fake university, the e-school called University of Phoenix.
The charity that Ted Haggard directed his former flock to donate to on his behalf, Families With A Mission, was "voluntarily dissolved" in February of this year and the "registered agent" of the charity, Paul Huberty, is a registered sex offender in Hawaii and was previously arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old female in his care. This is the guy who gets 10% of the donations for "administrative costs". lulz
Once his old church found out about the note he sent they got fucking pissed.
Disgraced pastor Ted Haggard won’t be fundraising for a Monument nonprofit run by a sex offender, won’t be ministering to anyone and needs to get a job, his overseers said in a statement released this afternoon.
- Completely Heterosexual
- Mark Foley
- John Hagee
- In a rare interview, Michael Jones (Haggard's bitch) discusses how he fucked Haggard up the arse
- Ted Haggard Oughta Eat My Fuck
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