Ted Haggard

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Ted Haggard lulzing it up.
Bushgay.jpg

Ted Haggard (moar lyk "Bed Faggard" am I not correct?) once was the leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and is TOTALLY STRAIGHT GOD DAMNIT! Haggard is a popular evangelical pastor at the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, as well as a member of Jesus’ political party. Despite this, Haggard hired a predatory homosexual prostitute into having mindblowing buttsecks while snorting massive mounds of methamphetamine.

Haggard’s guy pal. Haggard is obviously on the verge of an anal prolapse if he's taking that daily.

It Was All Just a Misunderstanding[edit]

Last Thursday, Haggard released a statement admitting it was true that he got hookers and blow on a regular basis. But there was a perfectly reasonable explanation!!!111 He only bought the meth to “tempt” himself. As for the gay whore, he was just giving Pastor Ted a massage, not a hardcore ass-drilling with a creamy gut shake. When asked to comment on this explanation, a spokesman for the Internets said “LOL”.

He was outed by his gay, drug dealing hooker, Mike Jones. Jones said he had only recently learned of Haggard's true identity, and explained his reasons for coming forward by saying, "It was for teh lulz."

If you’ve ever wanted to see an evangelical leader be forced to deny to the world that he’s had gay sex with a hooker and enjoys using speed while his wife sits right next to him, well, this is just your lucky day, isn't it? LOL, Jesus.

This is not photoshopped. No, srsly

Except, It Was Not All Just a Misunderstanding[edit]

On Sunday, November 5, 2006, Ted Haggard released a statement confirming not only that he is an active crystal queen, but that he prefers it at least eleven inches deep in his ass. The twink population of Denver proceeded to shiver and vomit in fear, as it is only a matter of time before Ted comes a lookin’.

The Ballad of Ted Haggard[edit]

and another one:

Broken News[edit]

On Tuesday, February 6, 2007, Tim Ralph (Haggard's anti-gay counselor) announced in The Denver Post that Baby Jesus had performed a miracle and removed all signs of faggotry and pen0r from Haggard's life and he was 100% cured and -thus- "completely heterosexual". Only not. Thus forming the colloquialism, "Ted Haggard straight".

Ralph later said what he meant to say that the therapy "gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."

You can now place bets on when he'll be caught in a Chicago steamroom at BetOnTed.com. Tfo is betting early, and often.

Ted Gets PayPal[edit]

Please send Cocks!

Despite the fact that his former employers, the New Life Church, agreed to pay his $138K salary through 2007, Haggard has issued his former flock a letter ( August 2007 ) begging that they donate to support him, for which he promises that they be will "rewarded in heaven". You can see the full TL;DR letter here.

 
 
If people want to support us directly, they can mail checks to Ted and Gayle Haggard, 9699 N. Hayden, Suite 108, PMB 180, Scottsdale, AZ 95259. This is a private mail box address that we have been using since we moved to the Phoenix area. If any supporters need a tax deduction for their gift, they can mail it to Families With a Mission at P.O. Box 63125, Colorado Springs, CO 80962. The supporters would need to write their check to "Families With A Mission" and put a separate note on it that it is for the Haggard family, then Families With a Mission will mail us 90% of the funds for support and use 10% for administrative costs.

Thank you so much. We feel our move into the "Dream Center" is the next step God would have us take. Any help we can get with this will be greatly appreciated and, I believe, rewarded in heaven.
 


 

—Haggard

Ted and his wife NEED this support because they are going back to school for two years to get master's degrees in Counseling. Which school, you may wonder? It's America's leading fake university, the e-school called University of Phoenix.

Run By Pedo[edit]

The original cast of Jackass.

The charity that Ted Haggard directed his former flock to donate to on his behalf, Families With A Mission, was "voluntarily dissolved" in February of this year and the "registered agent" of the charity, Paul Huberty, is a registered sex offender in Hawaii and was previously arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old female in his care. This is the guy who gets 10% of the donations for "administrative costs". lulz


Banhammered[edit]

Once his old church found out about the note he sent they got fucking pissed.

Disgraced pastor Ted Haggard won’t be fundraising for a Monument nonprofit run by a sex offender, won’t be ministering to anyone and needs to get a job, his overseers said in a statement released this afternoon.

“Mr. Haggard’s solicitation for personal support was inappropriate,” his church supervisors said in the statement.

This outcome, and its national attention in the Washington Post caused the famous Fag that is destroying our children Dan Savage to 2 proudly announce "I CAME, right in the pope's eye."

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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