Teen Mania Ministries
Teen mania ministries is a conservative Para-church corporation sponsored by former president George W and spawned by the mind of former junkie turned elitist fag-hating evangelical conman Ron Luce. The batshit insane cult is aimed at brainwashing Christian kids and teens with shit Christian Rock concerts, youth pastor recruitment programmes and the promise to “invoke a revolution by recruiting and building America’s next generation of leaders and youth pastors“. To put Ron’s warped goal in better words, Teen Mania’s hope is to create a bland generation that believes in censorship, NO drugs, NO alcohol, NO movies, NO porn, NO TV, absolutely NO fags and definitely NO nailing of the pussy and all at the expense of millions of gullible parents/families hard earned moneys to get their christfag kids into the culture crusade that is Teen Mania. Because of this cancerous idiocy, Ron happily manages to fork in about several million dollars a year for himself with the BattleCry campaign, the "Honor Academy", "acquire the fire", "global expeditions" and many more ministries he's built under the teen mania name.
- 1 Ron Luce
- 2 Ron’s War on Culture Terror
- 3 BattleCry/Acquire The Fire Campaign
- 4 The CattleCry San Francisco raids
- 5 The Human rights controversy
- 6 The Honor Academy
- 7 ESOAL
- 8 David Hasz Head of the HA
- 9 RecoveringAlumini (a challenger appears)
- 10 The aftermath?
- 11 The Battlecry song
- 12 External Links
Meet Ronald Allen "Ron" Luce (or, if you prefer L. Ron Lucifer) your saviour of Christian youth. He loves you, your money but more importantly your children
Teen Mania is run by its founder, president, and commander Ron Luce. Another rancid creation shat from the hole of Oral Roberts’ Televangelist legacy and quite possibly the greatest conservative Troll to ever grace San Francisco. Ron is considered to be the next generation Hellspawn of Skullfuck Roberts, but to the public eye, he is God’s cultural warlord for Jesus and the end result of what happens when you top scripture of god with a former alcohol and drug fueled madman. With the power of Raptor Jesus on his side Ron is on a mission to touch and save American Christian youth.
In his young days living in Tulsa Oklahoma when he too was a teen, Ron suffered a horrible childhood because his Mom and Dad divorced never to be together which left Ron BAWWing in his derelict shithole of a home alone with his abusive father. Worried that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't love him anymore, he eventually ran away to live the awesome life of drugs, weed, booze and hookers. On the verge of ODing at any moment Ron escaped natural selection by finding salvation through Church thanks to a Pastor where he became a Christian. After embracing his love of God and the Pastor’s delicious meat in his mouth, Luce was all set to commit his life of Evangelism for young people. Along with his beloved Mary-Sue wife Katie, Ron founded teen mania in 1986 (In his van...no, seriously!).
In the mid 90’s when Teen Mania had yet to be known in the Christian limelight Ron Made his face known on GodTV with his Televangelist show “Acquire The Fire” sporting the almighty Mullet of God. It was this programme that Ron’s hatred of fags became apparent, telling sissy limp wristed gay Christians that they were not welcome or accepted in this holy war against Evil. It was also around this time his “centre for creative media” was involving young teenagers to promote Ron’s holy war like propaganda teaching teenage kids to be fired up real men and to be “Loco por Jesus”
Afterwards he took the easy route that any evangelist would normally do for education nowadays by buying his Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and Theology from the corrupt university of the now dead televangelist Oral "skullfuck" Roberts so afterwards he could receive his Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology from the university of Tulsa. In 2002 President George Bush appointed him to the White House Advisory Commission on Drug-Free Communities which he served until it became too Super Cereal in 2004. Later on Ron joined the board of trustees of Oral Roberts University in January 2008 to carry on the legacy and to ride the money train of the Skullfuck for himself.
Ron’s War on Culture Terror
Ron Luce’s lore of popular culture is similar to Oprah’s discovery of a known group consisting of over 9000 penises raping children. In Ron’s fucktarded mind he sees everyday Pop Culture as "the enemy," who are, in his own words "virtue terrorists that are raping virgin teenage America on the sidewalk, and everybody's walking by and acting like everything's OK. And it's just not OK."
THE ENEMY LIST OF RON LUCE
- Violent video games
- Paris Hilton
- San Fagsisco
- The Internet
- Billy Mays
- Vince Offer
- Barry Scott
- The Chans
In many of his campaigns he has emphasized a militaristic tone to wage his culture war on the world. Often bastardizing words like "war", "army", "battle" and even biblical scripture such as these quotes...
- Psalms 144:1: "Praise is to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle."
- 2 Timothy 2:3: "Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus."
- 1 Timothy 6:12: "Fight the good fight of the faith."
- Ephesians 6:11: "Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
- Matthew 11:12 "From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."
With the power of Ron’s shameless self promotion and his own brand of merchandise and commercials, Ron and his Fundamentalist buddies go forth on a crusade to annihilate these enemies of Christ and to recruit and train the next generation of American Hitler youth. Though their campaigns may have saved the elite 4% of bible believing Christian teens (a number that Ron seems have the royal hard on for) Ron and his ministries have done more to brainwash and rape average sane teen minds than any Serial Child Molester (or Catholic Priest) could do in a day. Inflicting depression, suicide, self loathing and even doubt about sexual orientation on young Christians and all doing it for his branded golden goose Teen Mania.
BattleCry/Acquire The Fire Campaign
The BattleCry Campaign (moar appropriately named "CattleCry") or known as Acquire The Fire is one of the well noticed and profiting Campaigns of TM Ministries and the frontline of Ron’s culture war. Well known for it’s feature on Christine Amanpour's "God’s Warriors" on CNN, Ron heavily promotes his annual 27 hour session of sermons, dramatic plays and shit Christian rock and rap to bring out the “BattleCry” in christfag teenagers. In these BattleCry gigs, Ron tells his Teenage Screamo followers to reach out and join together in a joyful orgasmic Bawfest while being touched by God. The core objective of the BattleCry campaign is to raise awareness of the evils of corporate branding, rock, sex, and violence in TV and video games. While this would be considered a great idea in the eyes of a stuck up Christian parent, Ron’s hidden objective is to lead the brainwashed parent’s kids to an attack on abortion and fags.
To actually gain interest to these young teens for the rallies, Ron at times has hired piss poor Christian rock bands like Skillet, Pillar and POD to heavily promote BattleCry’s method of recruiting youth pastors. and has even used current and former members of the U.S. armed forces prominently in BattleCry events to encourage young people to become "The Warriors in this battle." because nothing says a culture war without the goddamn Army to back up your statements. In his BattleCry Coalition Ron has featured familiar pastors to the fight such as Jerry HHHNNNNNNNNGGGGG Falwell, fag hating Pat Robertson and, ironically the FABULOUSLY SUPER Ted Haggard. Of course knowing that such an event would cost money for workers And the fact that Teen Mania’s finances are fucked six ways from Sunday, Ron manages pretty well with a small budget. After all its Stage Planners, Actors, Media designers and all other employees are all managed by none other than Teen Mania’s very own students from the Honor Academy!
The CattleCry San Francisco raids
From 2006-08 Ron, being the most sharp dressed Texas troll in San Fran, made full use of the brainwashed christfag teens by performing some of the biggest IRL raids on San Francisco by heavily promoting anti abortion and anti same sex marriage with 6AM rallies held on the front steps of San Francisco’s city Hall. "Operation truth" another rally was performed "to publicly let legislators know that Christians will not stand idly by while being bombarded with legislation that attacks the core values of believers.". The legislation that was under fire from Ron’s mindless Christian kids actually prohibits Gay discrimination and hatred of Fags in California’s schools.
And It didn’t end there. Ron’s publicity even earned him 8 minutes of fame being on Bill O'Reilly’s show with idiot "World Can’t Wait" representative Sunsara Taylor who focused more on President Bush's administration than Ron Luce himself ultimately losing the game and putting Ron in a good light.
What Ron apparently missed about San Francisco is that the city hall where the rallies were held is where the city’s first gay supervisor, Harvey Milk, and Mayor George Moscone, were assassinated in 1978 sparking riots in 1979. When Ron was asked this in the Rallies he simply put on his troll face saying he was unaware of the city hall’s history while under his breath whispering "I did it for the lulz".
To add even more salt to the wounds of the people of San Francisco, the almighty Ron came back in 2008 to take part as a leader in another youth rally called "the fine line" to present his "8 for 8" action plan and support Proposition 8 which would prohibit same sex marriage. Prop 8 finally passed and the pool was closed to every fag bringing a permanent constipated grimace on Ron‘s face.
The Human rights controversy
By far the most controversial of the CattleCry events was held in Uganda of 2009 to start a branch of the Honor Academy in the country with Ron’s long-time friend Pastor "EAT DA POO POO" Martin Ssempa. The branch was set to help Ssempa spread the word of the dangers of AIDS and Homosexuality. Ssempa however in Uganda had already been known for proposing the Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Bill which criminalizes Homosexuality altogether leading to life sentences or otherwise execution. When this was brought to Ron’s attention he replied on his Facebook...
However contrary to what Ron had said in his Facebook, the very first sentence of Bill said:
Regardless of whatever excuse he tries to make or how much he tries to white knight his friend’s asses, Ron still will try anything to wash the world of fags clean off this earth making him the next leader of the Westboro Baptist church in the near future.
The Honor Academy
Perhaps the real heart of Teen Mania's operations is held in the Honor Academy internship program in Teen Mania’s Headquarters in Garden Valley, Texas. The Honor Academy, the core of TM's alumni caters mostly for High Schoolers, dropouts and College boys and girls of all ages with the pursuit of finding God or being utterly retarded enough to include Ron Luce in their future Resume at the expense of thousands of Dollars for each student. Its campus is run by Ron and the Honor Academy Head David Hasz Vice President of TM and former Jarhead of the Navy SEALs.
Before even setting foot in the academy money must be paid to an account to enter. The price for getting into this wonderful programme is a crippling 650 to 850 dollars a month which amounts from $8,000 to more than $10,000 to enter for just one year. Additionally it is said by TM staff that the money in your Honor Academy account is originally been donated to the “general fund” leaving a loophole open for David Hasz should you fail to pay the entrance fee for the academy and if you don’t reach the target amount before honor academy's deadline your internship won’t be awarded and David Hasz keeps the rest of your money. That’s right NO FUCKING REFUND!
Year 1 of HA internship (Undergrad)
In year one you’re listed as an Undergraduate. The lowest of the low, in short the Nigger slave of the family. While in the first year as an Undergrad it's guaranteed you'll be broken, sleep deprived and be thrown into a world of depression and self loathing from the start. Your sleep pattern will be strictly 7 hours sleep time everyday if not less and when not studying or hitting the books you will be made busy by the overzealous Graduate interns hitting the pavement with 5km runs or War like role-play. The campus and it’s system is built like a Concentration Camp to promote the oppressive War like feel giving interns the excitement to play the part in Ron’s holy culture war.
The Campus’ rental Property will have you seated with several other Interns which you’ll be looked after by a Graduate Intern as a leader. Once you’re living in his/her grounds, you’ll be sure that the GI’s will lovingly provide you with nutritious meals and will be there to support you throughout the many trials and tribulations you‘ll most likely face in year one of the HA.
Trufax; Higher interns will not give a royal shit about you, your injuries or whatever low grade shit they'll give to you on your bed or on your plate at dinnertime and most likely will slam it into your face. And whatever complaints you have or had in the past with any interns or any health complaints you’ve suffered from will be considered “Spiritual Weakness” according to Hasz himself. after your wonderful time in the academy it’s promised by Ron Luce and Hasz that the HA sets you up for the many events that await you for life when in reality it’s left you with life long injuries or loss of whatever sanity you had left before you walked in the fucking door. Good to know that you’re 10 Gs was worth all this bro.
FUCK YOU COME AGAIN!
Year 2 (Graduate Intern or GI)
After more than a year you can see your new Counsellor for your traumatic experience or do it all over again by forking another 10 Gs to Hasz. In year two you'll then be given the title of graduate intern or GI. (Jesus still doesn’t love you btw) from here its pretty much the same position you were in before except now you also play the role of a Resident advisor or Core advisor. Here you have the power to lash out the whip at other fellow undergrad nigras you look after in their campus by giving them punishments and non related work of your own. Apart from ministry placement Many of the HA’s GI Joes and Janes are also assigned to work in teen mania’s finances. It’s a fact now that in the past many of these GI’s had taken part in Ron’s more less-than-divine secrets from stalling Teen Mania’s debt call’s on the phone in the finance department, to the funding of rental income to David Hasz and even transactions to Ron’s very own offshore accounts!
Overall, the Honor Academy is your everyday Chinese Sweatshop of Pain. While at the Academy you're forbidden to watch TV or listen to Music, no Porn or Adult Films, no going online without supervision, no Alcohol or Drugs and no dating…AT ALL…not even holding hands! The punishment for these heinous sins would involve being quarantined for a month to being sat in a cold shower for hours or being locked in your room for days without any access to shower or even to take a shit to being kicked out of the academy with no questions asked. To top it off many in the academy could give two shits if you had a serious injury calling it nothing more than "spiritual weakness".
The entire campus gives interns up to 5-7 hours of sleep everyday while the remaining daily routine involves working them like a genuine pack of chained niggers. from jobs like campus work to military exercise to dragging them into events like ATF BattleCry and Global Expeditions to fund Ron’s culture war, if you're not doing what's on the above list you're more than likely to be thrown into what is called an LTE or “Life Transforming Experience” an event that would have you…
Aside from the LTES there’s one optional event that’s supposed to truly bring Interns “Closer to God” and is Teen Mania’s greatest tradition known as the Emotionally Stretching Opportunity of a Lifetime or more commonly named ESOAL
ESOAL is a 3 day non-stop, no-sleep training programme inspired by the Navy SEALS “Hell week” training also known as "Torture Camp" by former HA Interns. It is told by David Hasz that the retreat is an incredible life-changing experience that not only brings Interns closer to Jesus but sets you up for whatever emotional events that occur in life. How it never at all stated to the Undergraduates what the programme actually consists of. The mentally breaking and brainwashing opportunity of a lifetime for the idiot alumni who dares sign up involves…
David Hasz Head of the HA
Of course Hasz gets paid for blowing the eardrums of every retarded Christian but apart from his usual share of the HA and the missed admission fees that come along with it Hasz has managed to set himself for life thanks to the interns rental income of $80,000-10,000 and not only that, Hasz has even used HA resources and ordered interns aside many a time to participate in the construction of his house without pay. When not receiving moneys you'll usually find him screaming down his golden megaphone at young girls, ordering interns to slam their face in the mud for Jesus, or calling interns who drink beer wicked sinners!
RecoveringAlumini (a challenger appears)
In 2009 a blogger page named RecoveringAlumini or "My Teen Mania experience" was created by a former Intern of the academy to share stories of former interns who had left or were otherwise butthurt by their experience in HA. The site gained immense popularity with most former and current alumni either coming forward to share their stories or with bawing HA alumni to white knight Ron Luce by telling the admin of the page to "burn in hell". With many stories of physical and mental abuse amounting in just one year, many current interns began to leave while Ron and Hasz completely shat bricks.
Together with Teen Mania's board of directors the Jesus crew moved in knowing how dangerous the internet is (but not knowing jack shit about the consequences about feeding trolls). decided to create an entire website dedicated to the RecoveringAlumini site http://recoveringalumniresponse.com/ containing emails from Ron, Hasz and the board themselves. Additionally Ron Luce delivered a mass email sent to all HA alumni to address their new enemy http://www.recoveringalumni.com/2010/03/ron-luces-email-to-honor-academy-alumni.html
Despite TM’s many failed attempts to ridicule recovering alumni’s stories it wasn’t enough and the RA admin took it a step further by making her site known to local Texas news station KLTV7 where it was revealed that the RA admin was actually a former grad intern known as Micah Marley.
Teen Manias board now realizing that consequences would never be the same, nearly decided to cop out by pressing the DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING button and remove their RA response site completely. However after a brief shutdown TM decided to bring up their response site up but left out Ron Luce’s original letter to the Teen Mania Alumni. What made things even more hilarious was Ron Luce’s own daughter Hannah ran in to the RA site afterwards like Kool-Aid on crystal Meth calling the RA admin “A Joke” with “The Heroin Syndrome” making spelling mistakes and grammatical errors that would make the average grammar Nazi mouth foam up in less than a second.
Teen Mania butthurt spread across the Christian forums which resulted in utter hatred towards the RA Admin. Eventually Christfags had enough of Micah’s trolling and decided to get revenge of their own by dropping Dox on the Unsuspecting admin, throwing missiles at her house and writing her address out to the Mormon Church.
After the news was brought out Dave Hasz Teen Mania immediately announced on The Tyler Morning Telegraph that it would assemble an independent committee to evaluate ESOAL to judge whether or not to approve the retreat and suspend the LTE until further notice. However Miss Marley Didn’t buy Hasz’s bullshit and when the Honor Academy revealed the 8 participants of the “committee” she exposed 5 of the 8 to having ties with TM. Of the five, three were part of the Community of Christian Fellowship in Lindale. Home church of Ron Luce and Heath Stoner the other two who were exposed turned out to be heaths close buddies on Facebook. After the names were exposed one of the participants backed down knowing that the committee was nothing more than biased horseshit stirred by TM’s Board.
Hasz, not wanting anything to do with Miss Marley anymore, decided to have the RecoveringAlumni site blocked on the Honor Academy Campus computers. No news of ESOAL being banned in the HA has surfaced and obviously never will as the retreat is TM’s long tradition and also Hasz’s favourite way of abusing children.
The Battlecry song
Ironically Ron’s Popularity has managed to grab the attention of many rock bands including one unknown MySpazz band of nobodies called Shut Up Sydney. Their recent track has currently become the anthem of many former Teen Maniacs who blow their speakers at the front gates of the Honor Academy.
Against teen mania