The Asylum

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Someone is trying to seem egdy...


The Asylum is a company that makes horrible, low budget, direct-to-videoDVDStreaming movies that are poorly concealed ripoffs of their superior counterparts. Not plagiarized movies, ripoffs, deliberately released around the time of whatever film in question is being released and made in the 4 months between the movie being announced and it coming out. Movies made by the Asylum include Mega (insert creature here) vs. (insert other creature here), usually to be shown as a SciFi Channel Original, Snakes on a Train (need we tell you?), Transmorphers (a Terminator ripoff disguised as a Transformers ripoff), among others. For some reason, they seem to have a partnership with Christfag documentary group Faith Films.

Eventually they started making enough money to start buying up deliberately bad scripts from hack writers and producing low-grade exploitation movies using money they jew'd syfy out of. It was at that point that they hit it big with the ironic cult hit "Sharknado", a movie so retarded people couldn't get enough of it and they ended up making about 1000 times profit on their microbudget "Birdemic but with fying shark" turd pile that looks like a movie made out of nothing but B roll.

Ever since, Asylum has been putting out a new shark movie every month and a half, trying, but failing to recreate the success of Sharknado, as well as making their movies intentionally worse (and thereby cheaper) for the autistic "So bad it's good" crowed that keep eating this shit up.

They also occasionally make 9/11 truther documentaries.

History[edit]

The Asylum was presumably started by a group of teenagers trying to make horror films on a cheap camcorder in the woods behind their trailer park. This didn't blow over so well for them, as audiences are typically more interested in seeing films made by established, experienced producers rather than some kids with maybe $100 of special effects budget. Thus, they got steam rolled by established studios and made no money, likely due to the fact that no one cared in the first place.

The group of determined filmmakers had what could be considered by some to be a breakthrough and by others to be making a pittance when they decided to release an adaptation of classic literary masterpiece War of the Worlds, coinciding with the release of Steven Spielberg's adaptation of the same book featuring Tom Cruise. It was actually less a ripoff of the other film and more of a ripoff of Independence Day, showing that they only called it War of the Worlds to capitalize off of the Spielberg film. The director, David Michael Latt, described it as "The Pianist, with aliens instead of Nazis. Sure, Dave, sure.

Amazingly, people actually bought this crap (but only by mistake), thereby creating the company's entire business model and encouraging Dave and his friends to continue making films, while also showing that there is indeed no hope for mankind.



Production[edit]

According to TOW, it usually only takes four months for them to craft a cinematic masterpiece. This includes an hour or so to write the script, pre-production takes a few weeks (one would think it wouldn't take that long to search for hobos and crack whores to be actors, but go figure), and filming is likely complete in a few days. Reshooting a scene is out of the question, as batteries for the cameras are too expensive for that sort of shit.

TL,DR:

1. Find out what blockbuster movies are coming out by watching trailers on youtube.

2. Try to guess the plot of the movie with a game of Madlibs.

3. Write what you come up with on the nearest napkin.

4. Hire some Z list actors that have destroyed their careers a decade ago and will do anything for money.

5. Find some hobos on a street corner/aspiring "actresses" serving coffee/on a casting couch and pay them with a sandwich/blow to be extras and minor characters.

6. Film it in a single afternoon.

7. Edit with a hatchet and a blindfold on.

8. Add CGI sharks.

9. ????

10. PROFIT!


Films[edit]

Since 2005, The Asylum has provided the public with a steady stream of mediocre-to-shit versions of good movies. Fact Cat expects them to continue to as long as Hollywood will permit it (multiple lawsuits have yet to show any effect).

H.G. Well's War of the Worlds[edit]

On the surface, appeared to be a ripoff of Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds, but was actually a ripoff of Independence Day. Removed all British people for no apparent reason (of course, Spielberg's version and the 1953 film did that as well), and made it set in Washington D.C.. Included nudity and gore to appeal to 13-year-old boys.

Aliens attack Earth America, because they are jealous of their freedoms. A man named George tries to get to Washington D.C., where his family happens to be for no adequately explained reason. The peoples, unsurprisingly, are convinced that the invasion is a terrorist attack. George teams up with a Christfag (an Australian one, no less) who later gets killed by the aliens acid weapons. George uses rabies to kill the aliens. He arrives at a ruined city, where all the aliens die, for reasons not adequately explained.

King Queen of the Lost World[edit]

Described by the Asylum as being based on the book of the same name that apparently inspired King Kong, Jurassic Park, and Lost, when in fact it is mostly a ripoff of King Kong, not to mention that Lost was obviously inspired by J.J. Abrams' experiments with LSD. See a pattern forming?

Transmorphers[edit]

Sounds like a ripoff of Transformers from its title. In fact, it was really a ripoff of Terminator, The Matrix, and even some Animu. PROTIP: When you're ripping off from Animu, you're doing something wrong.

Sunday School Musical[edit]

Oh shit nigger what are you doing.

Sherlock Holmes[edit]

Shit about Dinosaurs in London that definitely never happened in any of the books. Not that I read any of them.

Death Racers[edit]

A bizarre ripoff of Escape from New York about an unknown city being turned into a prison facility. Freedom is given to whoever wins some street race. For reasons unknown, one of the gangs happens to (seriously) be the Insane Clown Posse, who have been dubbed as the Charles Manson of their times, which, hilariously, makes them sound less retarded that they are.

SHARKNADO[edit]

This movie was their big hit because it was so bad it became a meme. Includes a hurricane made of sharks being blown up by a bomb and people slicing sharks in half, mid-air, with chainsaws. Ever since, Asylum has been making this movie over and over again, 9 times a year.

Asylum's Awful new Animation Department[edit]

Recently, Asylum realized that there is an entire market of profitable films they haven't tapped into- CGI kid's movies.
With the growing popularity of the genre over the past few years, and with studio's like Pixar, DreamWorks, Disney and Illumination (who are basically just Asylum with a budget) making literal billions off of this trend, Asylum decided they want to rip off a slice of that pie, too.

There was only one problem: A 3D animated movie (even a bad one), unlike a knockoff of a live action movie, is actually hard to make.
Asylum's attempts to churn out in less than a year movie that sometimes take up to 4 years to create had the expected results.


Izzie's Way Home - Their first attempt at an animated movie was a "Finding Dory" knockoff that they created using their tenuous relationship with SyFy to hep them out. To create this abomination they hired the people who made Sharknado and gave them an entire sub-devision. The results were as bad as you might expect, with all the fish looking like they should be floating belly up at the top of the tank.


The movie was so bad that making it killed this guy.

Trolland/Trollz - "Trolland" ,originally "Trollz" before they realized the company that makes trolls and is involved with the Trolls movie they were bastardizing also owns the rights to the name "Trollz" with a Z at the end, was somehow even worse. Without the involvement of the SciFi channel, Asylum were now able to let their true incomptance take center stage. With a team of 18 animators, Asylum managed to make a movie that looks like all its motion capture was done by a man in the throes of death. The characters are all voiced by people with mismatched voices like Ja Rule the gangster rapper ex-con who plays a kind and friendly troll and Jerry O'Connell playing a child but making no attempt to disguise his adult man voice. Other actors include that chick from TLC and Dick Van Dyke, who was somehow roped into this. The director of this movie ended up dying a month before the film premiered from a "sudden illness" (probably died from making this shit) and the only real trolls this movie involved were ASSylum studio who bamboozled anyone dumb enough to pay money for this thing.





Audience[edit]

It is unknown who actually buys this shit. Internet scholars dispute the existence of people who would actually buy any of it. The three main demographics seem to be 1 year olds who just want to see tits and explosions, old grandmas who buy their grandchildren the wrong thing for Christmas, and internet losers who like these movies "ironically" and don't realize Asylum know exactly what they're doing and have been making intentionally bad movies for years now laughing at the people who think they're laughing at Asylum by giving them more money.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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The Asylum is part of a series on

Media

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Trolls

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Featured article June 5 & June 6, 2017
Preceded by
London Bridge Attack 2017
The Asylum Succeeded by
TBA