The Comprehensive Guide To Life
Here at ED one can get the opinion that we are pretty confident, arrogant even. To assume that this is merely an image portrayed through our own insecurities would be an inaccurate assumption. And you know what they say about assumption being the mother of all fuck-ups. The truth is that the knowledge that we harbor as a collective makes us more than capable human beings. ED achieves the categorization of thousands of topics fantastically, however is lacking an article on how to apply this knowledge to real life. Therefore, inspired by The Kazantzakis Guide to Article Building I have created an article to guide the average citizen to excel in life. I in no way promise that reading this article will make you the next billionaire, get you a girlfriend or make you lose all that fat, you tubby cunt. But it is a push in the right direction. You can take away from this article as little or as much as you want. If you are a sucky basement dweller, taking this advice can help you take the first step to leave there, and get some of dat sweet, sweet tang. This is the ED guide to making it in life.
And remember, life is nothing but a slow, painful, and protracted suicide attempt. But don't worry, you'll an hero with the rest of us.
—Your results may vary.
- 1 Setting The Grounds
- 2 Staying Alive
- 3 Social Interaction
- 4 Alcohol and Drugs
- 5 Finances
- 6 Relationships
- 7 Growing Older
- 8 Finally
- 9 See Also
Setting The Grounds
Many great people have been born into hardship, but various factors want you to be a failure in life. An African with a low IQ entering your country is likely to get government assistance to become a cheap PhD or Master's graduate and get a great job that requires no work, but if you were born in the country nobody is going to help you if you fall over. It's a fact that people born into difficult situations tend to be more resourceful and capable than people who have everything handed to them, in the end this makes no difference: if you didn't attend an elite private school, fuck it, take what you need from someone who did.
—Somebody who used to be a teacher.
Every kid begins their educational careers split based on their social class. Rich white suburbians will send their kids to a nearby grade school (1-5) & middle school (6-8) where they were associate with other rich white suburbians who live nearby. Expect these kids to be the ones with plastic lunch boxes always packed with fresh fruit and a slice of pizza while babbling away on their iPhones when they begin puberty. These schools take pride in sheltering the kids who have their parents walk them to school everyday and go to PTA meetings. If you go to a poor school, lol sucks for you. The moment you enter high school, expect nothing more than diving head deep into a cesspool of human stupidity. It wouldn't matter then whether you were poor, rich, or have high expectations azn parents; years upon years of being raised by TV have resulted in kids who think fag suffices as synonyms for being butthurt. Expect to become emo or discover your inner asspie or OD on some drugs or get manipulated into believing older douches love you so they could get in your pants and you can solve your daddy issues.
Knowledge is an important part of not being a complete and utter fucking failure. Find a subject that interests you, be it English, Computers, The Internet or Women's Rights and learn as much as you can about it. People will soon note of your knowledge and consider you an intellect within this area of thought. The more you learn, the more that people will admire you. The thing about knowledge is that it is free, but you have to earn it. No one likes a retard, and you should have noticed that the fuckwit kids you went to school with who used to brag about the fact that they actually got shit grades aren't going to be curing cancer anytime soon. To get good grades before college, do your homework (all of it, no matter how shitty your teacher is) and never be absent unless you get AIDS or a really fucking bad case of the clap.
School is vital. If you work hard there it really does pay off later in life. Your teachers are paid minimum wage to be full of useful advice that will help you in life. Because they really are paid like cotton picking field slaves, and typically hate themselves, showing appreciation for the job they are doing will get you noticed by them, and cause them to take an interest in you. So ask questions, and think about what you are being taught, this will help you understand the subject matter. Higher education is great if you wish to further master an area of expertise.
Communication is one of the most important things you possess. Communication allows you to order whores from the Yellow Pages, read the cooking instructions on the packet of your favorite brand of noodles and allows you to write shit that will be quickly reverted on ED. The English language is incredibly complex. Nothing impresses others more than a firm grasp on the English language. Learn about words. Use verbs often, and read as much as you can. Remember when writing or typing to use correct grammar, spelling and punctuation. Pretty soon, this will all become second nature, and not only will you be helping keep the steadily dying English language alive, you can show up all those little sluts on Myspace that you are better than them, and therefore offer a compelling argument that they should have sex with you.
Some good rules to mastering written and verbal communication are:
Limit the use ofNever use abbreviations.
- Never use an overly complex word when a simple one will do. It will actually make you look smarter.
- Verbose died hundreds of years ago, you pretentious wanker, don't do it. Especially not IRL.
- Keep up to date on language and new trends. Don't get left behind.
- Read books and articles by funny and witty people.
- Never use the passive where you can use the active. This will make what you say more powerful.
- Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent, and YES. THIS FUCKING MEANS NO "KAWAII DESU", "NAN DESU KA", "WATASHI WA", "BAKA", OR ANY OF THAT OTHER FUCKING WAPANESE SHIT.
- And for this hemisphere, don't say "Je ne sais quoi" or "Mais, non". It sounds pretentious. Just say "I don't know what" and "Uh, no.", respectively.
As a general rule, keep things fluid and engaging. This will ensure your listeners attention and warm them to you.
The first thing you have to do is decide whether you want to kill yourself or not. If you have doubts about whether you should live, you should ask advice of those that care about you. You'll be doing the entire world a great justice by deciding this now, rather than waiting until you're in your mid 30's with a wife and two kids to fuck up because you can't handle your shitty job and your stupid wife's nagging voice day after day after day after day. If you're going to kill yourself, do it now. Please.
Since you're still here, you should have decided that you're going to try not to die. This is accomplished by feeding yourself a healthy diet, caring for your health by looking after yourself and seeing a doctor if you are sick, knowing what to do when you are sick and taking general precautions to keep yourself safe. That's why I'm alive today. And believe me I am still alive. I'm doing science and I'm still alive. I feel fantastic and I'm still alive. While you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I'll be still alive. Still alive. STILL ALIVE.
You are a fat cunt. Let's not deny it, it's true. And you became a fat cunt through the act of putting anything soft and sweet you could find into your gaping black hole of a mouth. This is bad, and if you want to live past the age of 45, then heed my advice, tubgirl.
You need to eat healthy if you want to live longer. This means less McDonald's and more healthy foods, such as home-cooked meals. I know what you are going to say: But I'm too busy too cook. Bullshit, you sit on ED all day editing your crap articles. But for the sake of this article, I will assume you are a functioning member of society.
What it really comes down to is the state of your pantry. This is the place you keep your noodles and Twinkies when you aren't eating them. You may be tempted to order takeaway if your pantry is bare and you can't face the thought of going to the supermarket. The secret is to stock long-life ingredients that can be combined in any number of ways to create interesting dishes:
- Buy extra of long lasting vegetables like potatoes, carrots and onions, which not only make great make-shift sex toys but can also form the basis of soups or casseroles. It has been well-proven that eating more vegetables than greasy shit will prevent many diseases, including fatassery, cancer, and retardation.
- Stock plenty of dried pasta, such as spaghetti, fettuccine, macaroni and spiral varieties.
- Keep a selection of other long-life carbohydrates like rice (stock different varieties such as white, brown, arborio and jasmine), Asian-type dry noodles, lentils and couscous.
- Use tinned tomatoes, tomato paste, tinned corn and other vegetables (look for "no added salt" varieties, you get enough salt from all that semen) to dump in your pasta sauces, soups and casseroles.
- Stock a range of canned meats including tuna, salmon, ham, crab meat, sardines, babies, beef and chicken.
- Include canned and packet soups.
- Buy vegetable oil. Extra virgin olive oil is the only virgin you will ever have, so stock up.
- Stock dried herbs including basil, coriander, pot, mint, sage, oregano and mixed herbs.
- Useful condiments include tomato sauce, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, stock cubes, ready-made stock, soy sauce and chili sauce.
Keeping your fridge well stocked with items that last is the next step to keeping one foot out of the grave:
- Buy frozen vegetables. Contrary to popular belief, these products retain a high proportion of their nutrients.
- Fresh crushed garlic and ginger are available in jars to keep in the fridge and fresh herbs are available in tubes to keep in the freezer.
- Citrus fruits like oranges have a long life when refrigerated. You can buy these from friendly Mexicans on the side of the road.
- Grated cheese can be sealed and stored in the freezer to increase its shelf life.
- When buying fresh meat, choose de-boned varieties. Divide the quantities into meal-sized portions and freeze separately.
- Buy bread in bulk and keep it in the freezer until needed. Bake-at-home rolls can also be kept in the freezer to have as an accompaniment to many different meals.
Or, you can do it the normal way, and not be a poor nigger that has to conserve his food in case the man comes to repossess his house:
- Buy fresh meat (beef, lamb, pork, chickin', fish) and cook it that day. Pick the leaner kind, but fuck it everyone eats meat unless your gay. Save whatever you have not eaten in the fridge for the next day. Repeat when your meat supply has run out.
- If you're too poor for fresh meat, buy some deli meats from the Jews. Try to get low sodium. Make sandwiches.
- Buy eggs they last at least a couple of weeks if you happen to own a refrigerator and are delicious in the morning.
- Buy fresh fucking vegetables. Buy enough to last you 1-3 days. Assuming you're not expecting the end of the world to come up any time soon, you should be able to consume those delicious plants pretty soon, and don't need to horde crusty vegetables in your freezer.
- Have some fruit in a fruit basket. Fruit isn't expensive(unless they're foreign/exotic) and a couple bananas/oranges/apples lying around might be good for you. Throw them out if they rot, or continue to let them rot and distill them to make sweet hooch.
- Stock up on healthy grains, not shitty Ramen. Buy some Oats 'n' Whole wheat bread.
- Here's one thing the hippies got right:
tofucock. It's good for you. Really good for you. It can taste good, if you make it right. It's like tilapia: it absorbs the flavors around it. If you find a good recipe, tofucock can taste like beef or chicken. It's really easy to stir fry. <-- This entire point was written by a faggot vegetarian who is clearly encouraging you to turn gay.
Using the above tips can make a range of meals, such as:
When you finish eating don't be a messy fuck and leave that shit stacking, take your goddamn dishes to the sink and clean them.
- If you have a dishwasher, prerinse that shit and stick it in.
- If you don't have a dishwasher then fucking clean your dishes and put them in the drying area. Reuse them from here instead of pulling more out, idiot.
- If you have to leave shit soaking because of stuck-on shit then leave your shit soaking in hot soapy water so the stuck on shit simply slides off / pours out later. Leaving shit soaking in regular water does nothing but stink up the place and makes you look like a fucking slob, which means you are a fucking slob.
Following these simple rules will keep your dishes clean and will prevent roommates, if you have any, from wanting to murder you and you them.
Dieting and Exercise
Now that you have all the right foods, lets talk about how you're going to lose that fat ass of yours. To figure out whether you're fat or not, use the BMI system as a rough guide. There are plenty of BMI calculators online. If your BMI is between 18-25, you're fine, but you might be out of shape. If it's above, you're officially a lardass. This is of course assuming half your body weight isn't muscle. If it is, DISREGARD.
Think of your body as a car. If someone gave you a car (let's just imagine it not being a piece of shit), but on one condition: this is the only car you will ever have in your entire life. You have to take care of it for decades to come. No accidents, no water in the gas tank, you have to use all those fancy oils and lubricants and octane boosters, etc. Now imagine that car is your body. You only get one body in your life. So pay attention.
Dieting isn't as hard as it seems. As long as you're not 1000lbs (or worse, 1000kg) or have a real metabolic problem (which is rare, so you can't use it as an excuse), adjusting your diet in simple ways will help you lose weight. If you don't have food allergies or celiac disease, the above recipes are a great start. If you're clinically obese and have dietary problems, you should talk to a nutrtionist and your doctor. For motivation, this is 5 lbs of fat. Disgusting, isn't it? That's in your body, pressing on your organs. These are just some basic tips guaranteed to help you lose at least 10 lbs:
- First of all, never go on a fad diet (i.e. "the Cookie Diet", "the Grapefruit Diet", Breatharianism, etc. This includes the Atkins diet]]. They might (keyword "might", but it's still very unlikely) work for the short term, but the second you go off it, you gain all the weight back, hence why they're called "yo-yo diets".
- You know when people say "put the fork down" as advice? Well, it's true. Eat smaller portions. You can have dessert, as long as it's either fruit or a palm-sized amount, about 3x3.5 in. across (we're assuming it isn't deep fried or a recipe by Paula Deen).
- BUT eat them more often. 6 small meals a day will speed up your metabolism so you can get more nutrients out of less food. A faster metabolism means you also won't absorb any of the fat. It will also stave off cravings.
- STOP EATING FATTY FOODS: Simple as that (c.f. Food and Cooking). Stop eating funnel cake, hush puppies, fried chicken... you know what? Just stop eating Southern food. You know why the highest rates of obesity are in the deep South? Because they eat shitty food deep fried in lard. Stop putting that in your body.
- Avoid high amounts of sugar and salt (especially if you have high blood pressure). Unless you're allergic, don't worry about MSG. It occurs naturally in whole grain, mushrooms, and nori. You can put salt and pepper on tomatoes if you'd like. Small amounts are acceptable for flavoring.
- Eat things high in protein to avoid cravings, like soy. Snacks are fine, as long as you eat something healthy, like celery, apple slices, or carrot sticks. This is why the Atkins diet worked for people: they didn't feel hungry. But don't cut out carbohydrates, you'll see why below.
- Drink water instead of soda. Some retards actually drink soda for breakfast. Don't.
Drink juice instead.If your morning breakfast ritual involves having a glass of juice alongside something substantial, drink a small amount or have none at all. Fructose, a naturally occurring sugar in most fruit and vegetables is just as bad for you as sucrose, the sugar derived from sugar cane when over-consumed. "B-b-but aren't fruit and veggies good for you?" If you're eating for example an apple, you're consuming the pulp (obviously you fucking retard) which contains fibre and most of the nutrients as well as fructose therefore making you feel fuller. Because fruit juice is obviously missing most of the pulp, you're not going to feel full and you'll end up fatter than Clive Palmer. Have a hot cup of tea, glass of milk or plain water instead during breakfast.
- Order baked potato instead of fries, as a side when you're going out. Or get sweet potato fries instead, if they have them.
- Not all fat is bad for you. Saturated fat is bad (butter, Crisco, vegetable oil). However, natural things still contain some saturated fat, just eat it in moderation. Unsaturated fat is good (olive oil, sunflower seed oil, hemp oil, avocado oil). Eating fat is important, especially when eating protein. If you only eat no fat, salt, sugar, or carbs, you get a form of malnutrition called protein poisoning.
- Cutting out carbs raises the amount of free radicals in your body, which also make you sick. To lower free radicals, eat things that are high in antioxidants, like green tea (Arizona green tea with honey and ginseng is the best), blueberries, and pomegranates.
- Avoid red meat. Eat fish instead. But don't eat too much tuna (or any red fish), or you might risk mercury poisoning. Make sure it's cooked properly, as well. Sushi is safe, because ocean fish don't have the kind of parasites that affect people. They're mostly killed off after being soaked in vinegar or being frozen overnight.
- Protip: don't order any kind of fish on Monday at restaurants. They're not fresh, because distributors don't deliver on the weekend. All those "specials" are them trying to pawn off old fish to you. This isn't just in Chinese restaurants. This is everywhere.
- If they're available, eat insects. It sounds gross, but millions of people around the world eat bugs because they're high in protein and low in fat. They get their fat from soybeans (good fat).
- Eat garlic and oatmeal (whole grain). They help lower cholesterol ("bad cholesterol", LDL). If you're a eurofag, avoid eating brains and head cheese. Those have REALLY high cholesterol. Yes, there is good cholesterol (HDL). You can raise good cholesterol with eating unsaturated fats; flax seed oil is the best.
- Some cholesterol medications lower both good and bad cholesterol, so you may have trouble thinking. If this happens, tell your doctor.
- Milk is good for dieting, as long as it's low fat or non-fat. Calcium helps you excrete fat. It's also good for your muscles.
- Moderate alcohol consumption is good for you. Unless you have an addictive personality or your family has a history of alcoholism, drink a half-glass of wine a day. It's different for men and women. Hard liquors are fine every once in awhile, but don't overdo it unless you want a liver transplant at 25. In other words, don't brush your teeth with Jack. Don't get smashed every week.
Like Dr. Oz says, if you want to lose weight, go on a diet. If you want to be healthy, exercise. People who exercise are generally happier than people who don't. Exercise activates the reward system of the brain, the limbic system, which makes you feel good when you do something good for your body (like eating or sex). Plus, if you diet without proper exercise you lose muscle mass and retain fat and you become skinny fat; really just a lighter version of your old fat ass self.
- Don't eat before exercising. That's how sumo wrestlers gain weight. It messes up your metabolism. Your body will think it's starving and will put on weight.
- Unless you're going to be doing strenuous exercising for the next hour or so (like running a marathon or whatever), don't drink things like Gatorade or Powerade. They're full of salt and electrolytes that hydrate you when you've lost a lot of moisture through sweat. The best idea is to drink lots of water.
- Doctors usually recommend exercising for 30 minutes 3 times a week, or 10 minutes every day. Start out slowly, like walking around the block after dinner. Go faster each time and work your way up to a power walk. Eventually, you should be able to jog a kilometer (.6 miles). Slowly try to beat your time. Don't jog immediately after dinner, or you'll get a cramp. It's not dangerous, but it's annoying and painful.
- Walking should take about 20 minutes for a mile. Don't try to go for a 7 minute mile. Try to go for a 10-13 minute mile jogging.
- Believe it or not, sex is good exercise. Studies have shown men who have sex regularly live longer and happier lives, and have a whole host of other benefits. So every time your girlfriend refuses sex, just tell her that she's risking your life. I guess a sex doll could work too, if you're on top.
- Exercise will be painful at first. Take it slowly. 10 minutes every other day will be fine. Eventually, you'll be able to work harder and burn more calories, but first you have to build up stamina and endurance.
- Ever wonder why you don't see fat people (who aren't tourists) in New York City? It's because they walk to work every day. If you live in the city, or nearby, try biking or walking to work. Biking is a great low-impact way to exercise and will get you almost as far as a car would. Just be sure to wear a helmet so you don't turn into Juliana Wetmore.
- If a girl says that she likes to exercise a lot, she probably isn't one of those scary Amazon bodybuilders. Women don't "bulk up" unless they're on steroids. The most she'll have in a six-pack and broad shoulders. She might also have Chun-Li thighs, if she's a swimmer or speed-skater.
The truth is, you don't really need to go to a gym.Lie, people, who posses enough self-discipline to exercise regularly at home are rare and probably not the target audience of this article. Paying for a gym subscription will motivate you to take your fat ass there in order to avoid throwing your money away. Even at the cheapest gyms you'll find helpful and encouraging people.
- Really consider doing some heavy lifting if you can. Use big compound movements that activate more muscle groups at once. These include Deadlifts, Bench Press, Military Press, Squats, but any variation of these will work out all your muscles at once. Start out with 3 sets of each exercise at a weight you can only lift 3 times. Lift it thrice and then break for about a minute. Repeat. Pretty easy right? No 3 hour long track sessions, but shit counts if you push yourself and always struggle to do more. Increase your weights and keep struggling to do more. Research these exercises and play with the rep ranges. When you can do 3 sets of 5 reps increase weights.
- Lifting weights that are heavy even for girls is crucial when losing weight so you don't lose muscle and end up a bag of bones, skin and fat. Its gross.. seriously lift big.
- When it comes to push-ups, the army makes men do 42 in a minute, and 17 in a minute for girls. Make this your goal. This isn't sexism or a double standard, it's because women physically do not have the same upper body strength. They can't do the same work-outs that men do because of the way their bodies are built. But they aren't allowed to do the knee push-ups. To start out, do knee push-ups and only start doing real push-ups when you feel comfortable. Otherwise you'll just hurt yourself and lose motivation.
- If you choose to go to a gym, make sure your personal trainer is actually qualified. Very often, they're just plucked off the street and have absolutely no clue about anatomy, physiology, or anything. This goes for even those fancy expensive gyms.
- You probably already know this, but for those who don't: DON'T CHEAT AND USE STEROIDS. Seriously, don't bother, unless you want shrunken balls, AIDS, backne, and whole bunch of infections. It's not worth it. You won't get stronger, you'll just get weaker. Guidos use steroids. Do you want to be a guido? Of course not.
A good diet will improve your health, but won't stop you from getting sick on occasion. Colds and the flu are an inescapable fact of life, and suck major balls. If you start to recognize the symptoms of a cold or flu, get to a fucking doctor, moron!! They will give you medicine that will make you better, and help you continue to live.
Another excellent way to keep yourself from contracting various bacterial infections is to WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS. This isn't just a habit you should pick up after taking a piss, but should be considered an ongoing fight against all the little creepy-crawlies that literally cover the world. When washing your hands, you should use warm water and lather your hands at least to your wrists. You should also scrub your hands (including under your fingernails) for at least a full minute. How long is a full minute? If you are not sure how long to wash your hands, buy a watch or sing the ABC Song to yourself in a slow, normal fashion for a full three completions. Once you have finished singing it for the third time, rinse the soap off your hands under warm (hot water makes you sweat, bringing more bacteria to the surface) tap water and dry with a disposable paper towel or hot air blow-dryer. Do not use fabric towels (especially in public restrooms) as they are usually used by bums to blow their noses or crack whores to clean out their semen-encrusted axe wounds. Also, they are breeding grounds for bacteria and some forms of mold. If you do not have access to a restroom, kitchen sink, or bathroom sink, carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer. While hand sanitizer is not a total substitute for hand washing, it should get you over the rough spots.
A final word on hand washing and how it directly affects your overall health: Stop wiping your eyes, mouth, or nose with your god-damned hands. First off, it is gross, and makes you look like a retarded second-grader, and second off by doing this disgusting behavior, you are rubbing dirt, dead skin cells, and bacteria directly into the various mucous membranes located in and around your face. If the inside of your nose itches so much, get a fucking tissue and stop digging up there while you are driving.
You can disregard the two prior paragraphs, it was written by someone with OCD. When washing your hands, clean your hands and every finger with warm soapy water (but don't be anal about it and don't sing the fucking ABC's over and over) and wash them after picking your nose, too. 98% of people admit to picking their noses regularly. Be polite about where your bogies end up. Only follow the above 2 paragraphs if you work in the food industry or have an immunodeficiency.
Drink heaps of water all the time, aside from washing your hands. You'll have to go to the bathroom after every wang-spank, but remember that washing your hands merely washes out enemies on the frontier, and does not guarantee keeping bacteria out of your actual insides.
The other problem is that because you wash your hands all the fucking time and scrub your home down with Clorox, you're weakening your immune system. Since you're preventing exposure to bacteria, you'll have a stronger reaction to it. Westerners have weaker immune systems and a higher incidence of auto-immune disease than 3rd world countries. You have to find a happy medium. Don't be OCD, but don't be a slob, either.
Some of us get pussy and/or dick, and even though it
may not be is not you, someone else reading this article might be getting some of that sweet tang. Despite what fundie faggots will say to the contrary, sex is great, and is even good for us. It helps relieve stress, its a good form of exercise and it helps develop relationships. But just like everything in life, there are downsides to the horizontal two-step.
These downsides are known as Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). They are viruses, bacteria and fungi that infect your penis with pus and fail. They are SFB, so don't be complacent. STD's are transmitted via sexual contact, and can range from mildly annoying to full on AIDS. Some of the most common STDs are:
- Chlamydia - A bacteria which infects the urethra, causing a discharge and discomfort during urination. Some cases have no symptoms. Tested with a simple urine sample and cured with a single dose antibiotic.
- Gonorrhea, aka "The Clap" - Similar to chlamydia. Tested with a blood sample and cured with a penicillin injection.
- HPV (Genital Warts) - These are warts that grow on your dick. These need to be frozen off. An effective alternative treatment is tea tree oil. HPV can cause cervical cancer in women.
- HIV/AIDS - The big one. The motherload. Basically, you're fucked. Caught by fucking gay men and dirty bitches, as well as by shoving dirty needles in your arm. You deserve it, loser.
- Herpes - Small red bumps and blisters on the cock or cunt. Can be treated, but there is no cure. Despite what the commercials imply, no, having herpes doesn't help you go rock-climbing and horseback riding.
- Hepatitis - Comes in 4 flavors: A, B, C, and D (the last one is extremely rare in North America). Symptoms include fever, joint pain and irreversible liver damage.
- Syphilis - A painless rash, that if left untreated, will literally devour your genitals and actually dice your brain. But the cool part is neurosyphilis makes you happy and horny all the time. Best brain damage evar, amirite? (pg88).
- Crabs - Lice (like the kind living on your scalp) that feast on the skin under your pubes. You can prevent it by shaving it like a fag.
- Yeast infection - Yes, guys can catch this from girls. You know when a girl says "I can't, I have a yeast infection"? Well, doesn't matter if it's an excuse or not, better be safe than sorry. These start out in the vagina, but they can transfer it to your penis. You know all that curdy white stuff coming out of her snatch? Imagine that coming out of your dickhole. So if she smells fishy (literally) and/or she says "I don't feel 'fresh' down there", STAY AWAY.
- Chancroid (pronounced "shan-kroid") - This is rare in the West, but if you go to to Southeast Asia for some Thai ladyboys (or Vancouver), this is what you'll catch instead of syphilis. You can also get it from hookers and blow. It's a bit like herpes, except it's one big ulcer covered in pus. It's almost never seen in circumcised men. Oh, and it can cause AIDS, too. So if you plan on fucking anyone in Asia, better go call Dr. Goldberg.
- Children - The most life-wrecking STD known to date, and has been very well-documented over the years. The first-known writings of controlling this disease can be traced to Biblical times, when Abraham was told to kill his son, Isaac, for being an epic failure in the eyes of God, and is still highly-contested on who's really to blame for the disease.
Prevention is much better than cure (except abstinence), so use a fucking condom. For pussy eating, use a dental dam (they're harder to find, but they're worth it. Cellophane works, too). For blowjobs, use a flavored condom (latex doesn't taste very good). And if you don't, get regular STD checks. These are normally free and confidential. One last thing, boys. Make sure you see some fucking ID, because although underage b8 sounds awesome, there's a reason why they call it jailbait. Not so great when the party van arrives and the feds drag your ass off to prison for an informal meeting with Bubba.
Even if you may not be, (and let's face it, you aren't) humans are social creatures and social interaction is a vital part of life. It directly impacts everything, from your friends, your job, and your partners. It gets you known, gets you noticed, gets you places, and gets you laid. But if you have the social capacity of Chris-Chan meeting and talking to new people can be quite daunting. But never fear, you social retard, this feeling of insecurity and rejection can be overcome. Read on.
This world revolves around Jew. We are willing to fuck up our planet for money and nothing says "I'm a big fucking winner" more than having the cash to buy Ferraris, houses and hot horny whores. What you need to understand is that your trust fund is going to run out one day, and you are going to have to get a job. This involves a few things:
- Writing a resume.
- Applying for jobs.
- Attending interviews with employers.
- Making a good impression at work, and keeping your employer happy.
The trick with social interaction in a professional environment is to keep things brief and to the point. Time is money, and no one wants to know your life story. Remember this when writing a resume to send to employers. Employers have one and a half minutes on average to read your resume, so you want them to notice your achievements quickly and easily. Keep your resume tidy and easy to read, only one page max, unless you are old and have a lot of experience. Make sure you include only relevant information, no one wants to know that your Counter-Strike clan won EPL in 2004. Use a fucking spell check too, because nothing looks worse than someone trying to be a smartass on their CV and spelling the phrase "Sandwich Artist" incorrectly. Don't play yourself down either, if you worked at McDonald's for three years make sure you tell them, it shows commitment.
Don't lie on your resume, because you will be called out. That's why they ask for references.
Your resume should be headed with contact information, for example:
Ph: 0400 000 000
Notice that I haven't abbreviated the state or country. Also, use an appropriate email address. Something like email@example.com isn't going to look good (an ED email isn't good either. If they find this site they probably won't get the joke. On a broader note, they will try to Google you, so make sure that nothing ruining comes up. This is the one time when DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING is actually a good thing).
This information should be followed by your work experience, then your educational history and finally special skills, interests and references. Keep the language simple and short, and choose good references. It's no good putting someone there who hates you. Since you don't have any friends, a neighbor or someone you've babysat for works just as well. Unless you have absolutely no one else, refrain from putting family members as references. They usually don't allow family members anyway.
Applying For Work and Interviews
Applying for jobs used to be a hard thing to do. You would have to walk around for ages, handing out resumes everywhere you could. Well, thanks to the internet, you don't need to do that. Sites like this have made it easy to send out hundreds of applications everyday, and should be taken full advantage of. Don't forget to write a relevant cover letter and sign up for job alerts and such, this will keep you up to date and ahead of every other fuckwit trying to take your job.
So, you sent off heaps of resumes and you scored yourself an interview! Good work, dickstain. Now a few things to do before you go waltzing in there:
- Research the company and the role, this will give you an edge over everyone else (and you'll be able to make sure it isn't a pyramid scheme.)
- Shave your neckbeard and get a fucking haircut, you filthy hippy, especially if it's in the food industry.
- Wear smart business attire. Shine your shoes (black leather), and iron your business shirt (neutral colors) and your pants (black, matches everything).
- Bring a copy of your resume, even if you have sent them one.
- Arrive no more than five minutes early.
- Remember your interviewers name, and use it when leaving.
- Keep your answers short, but stay away from yes or no answers.
- Be confident, honest and friendly.
Lo and behold, after all this shit you should have a job. If you don't, you know what to do.
Again, keep in mind that any form of exaggeration or outright lie found at any time after being hired is grounds for immediate dismissal. Don't fuck up.
Personal situations translates to how to get friends, something you no doubt lack. Fear not, it isn't as hard as you think, just follow these simple guidelines and you will be well on your way to IRL friendship.
Appearance is terribly important. Most of our impressions of people we meet are based on what they look like. People will judge you on your appearance, they will treat you according to it, so get it fucking right.
Working with what you have
We aren't all supermodels, and haven't been blessed with the same qualities as others, and that's a fact of life. However, you can beat the odds if you are willing to make an effort. Casanova was not an attractive man, however he lost his virginity in a threesome to two sisters. Finding your flaws and good points is the first step, dealing with them is the second.
- The first place to start is make sure you are being hygienic. You should be showering at least once a day. Keep yourself clean shaven, unless you know how to look after a certain style of facial hair. Facial hair can be hard to pull off if it doesn't suit your face, so if you are unsure, shave it off. Body hair should be kept to a minimum, but
don't go waxing your ass crackif it's getting out of control and swamp ass is a problem, waxing is an option.
- The first thing women notice is someones eyes, and this is where your haircut comes in. A good haircut will bring out your eyes and shape your face. Invest in a good haircut by going to a decent hairdresser and talking about styles that would suit you, and invest in good shampoo and conditioner. Hair styles can also make you look fatter or thinner.
- Comb your hair throughly, drag the teeth of the brush from your scalp down to the ends of your hair. Your scalp secretes an oily waxy substance called sebum, which can protect your hair against the elements and make it look shiny. If you don't comb the sebum from your scalp down to ends, you get a greasy scalp, flat hair, and split ends. Some of you might have thick skin, for which combing is not enough...if you already need exfoliant on your face and body, what you need to do to your scalp (if the feeling of a greasy scalp persist after showering and combing), is, after it dried, gently scratch it with your nails in circular motions. If the underside of your nails come away with a lot of greasy waxy white stuff, that's sebum, if you have really long hair that is splitting at the ends, rub this stuff there. You should only shampoo your hair every other day (but you might wash it with hot water more frequently), and you must comb it daily, morning and night if you can. If the greasy scalp and dry hair problem is really bad, try washing the grease off with bar soap, and then getting rid of the bar soap with a diluted solution of (preferably apple) vinegar.
- If you find yourself going bald, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT A COMBOVER. Pull a Walter White and shave your head completely. Not only does this hide your baldness in plain sight, it also makes you look like a skinhead.
- Also remember to brush and floss your teeth everyday, nothing says "I'm a lazy cunt who cant look after himself" than bad breath and yellow teeth.
- Keep your fingernails short and clean, if you bite them, stop.
- As a straight male, you shouldn't be using make-up or nail polish. But you should be using a moisturizer and cleanser on your face and neck. Not only will this keep acne outbreaks and uneven skin tone away, it will also help fight shaving rash. If you have bad acne, go to a fucking doctor. They can prescribe drugs to fix that shit and offer advice on how to clear your skin.
- Body Odor: If you still smell in spite of showering everyday, there are several possibilities;
- a) Your are a teenage male, it's the hormones, you are going to have to put up with it while fighting it harder until you grow out of it. Suck it up because teenage females are dealing with irregular periods. Shower more, and wipe down your chest and armpit throughout the day
- Mid-Day wipe down goes for teenage females too, especially the armpits...SCIENTISTS have found that men are basely aroused by the smell of the sweat swiped from the armpits of young women, meaning that doing this might just decrease harassment from Creepy Old Dudes.
- Wipe Down With: wet hankerchiefs kept in bags or tiny plastic boxes, use in car discreetly or in bathroom. Wash frequently and let dry at least once a day. Or, disposable tissue or napkin.
- b) It's your diet and/or health, Talk To Your Doctor or School Nurse. A sickly sweet smell could be an indicator of Diabetus, or problems with your organs (in the case of bad breath that originate from down beyond your mouth).
- c) You Are Doing It Wrong...regular, quick rinses under the showerhead, will wash away the sticky sheen of sweat and dirt accumulated during an outdoor excursion or an all night LARP. There's still the layer of smelly bacteria's live-in buffet of deadskin and oily sebum that can't be rinsed away, depending on how bad the problem is (different people shed skin at different rates), you could either apply friction via a)shower puff, b)washcloth, or c) purmice soap(EXTREME) or bodywash (milder) with an exfoliant such as Diatomaceous Earth (aka dead algae).
- a) Your are a teenage male, it's the hormones, you are going to have to put up with it while fighting it harder until you grow out of it. Suck it up because teenage females are dealing with irregular periods. Shower more, and wipe down your chest and armpit throughout the day
- Deodorant Use: Before you rush out, grab whatever is on sale or the most expensive (and therefore is always the best) so you could slather it on like the main course roast at a vore fest, understand what's in a deodorant and what it's suppose to do. Most deodorants are alcohol based, aimed to kill the smelly bacteria...and some are also Antiperspirant. Use antiperspirant on dry skin and then let it dry on, otherwise it will rub right off and not work. Some of you (and the people sitting next to you, if any), will be allergic to deodorants, antiperspirants, and cologne/perfume.
- Cologne Use: A solid cologne is a something fruity and spicy, Burberry for example. Use it sparingly. Spray one squirt on your wrist and then rub your wrists together, then apply it to your neck. When buying cologne, spray it into the air in front of you, then walk through the mist to smell it. This is much more effective than smelling it off your hand, which can be overpowering.
- If you are overweight, go to a doctor and discuss a diet and exercise routine with them. Don't fall for the stupid shit they sell you on TV, it doesn't work. The general idea with body shape is that you want to look healthy. Not too skinny, not fat. A healthy, slim look is what you are aiming for. Losing weight is not easy, it takes dedication but it is achievable. Eat healthy foods, exercise, limit caffeine, alcohol, illicit drugs, and get at least eight hours sleep per night.
Fashions come and go, and it's hard to stay up to date with the latest trends. The simple answer is: don't. There's no fucking point trying to be a fashionista, it won't happen. However, certain fashions are timeless staples. Everyone should own the following:
- Three types of shoes: business, casual and smart casual (i.e. Leather lace up, sneakers, and Chelsea boots, respectively).
- A suit, black or navy.
- Black leather belt.
- Well fitted jeans.
- A few t-shirts.
- A few formal shirts. Basic colors and designs.
- A leather jacket. Leather jackets are timeless items.
- A neutral tone scarf.
- A flannel over shirt if you live in a colder region.
- A few ties with plain designs.
- A vest/waistcoat, optional, but it should be black.
Owning these basics means that even a retard like yourself can look cool.
- Some colors don't go together, so keep it simple, and remember, black goes with everything. Except other blacks. Buy from the same store/company. Also, don't mix a denim jacket with denim pants. You'll look retarded.
OK, so you are looking good. You have a cool haircut that works for you, you are clean shaven and smell like a Fruit Loop. Your clothes are fresh and clean, and you don't look like a faggot. Time to get out and meet some people! Here are the basics of going out:
- First off, you want to find the right place to go. This can be hard, but there is a simple rule to help you. Go somewhere that you will enjoy being. If live music is your thing, go to a venue and see some bands. If you wanna take pills and dance like a retard, hit the clubs. If you wanna tone it down and relax, go to a bar. If you want good conversation, a cocktail lounge. Under no circumstance go to a rave or a teenage house party.
- If you are enjoying your surroundings you will be much more relaxed and approachable.
- Drinks are important when going out. People drink when they are out to relax and enjoy themselves. But for fucks sake, drink in moderation. Nothing is cool about being passed-out in a gutter covered in piss and vomit.
- Learn your limits, and what types of alcohol agree with you. If you don't drink, that's fine, just don't be a pretentious faggot about it.
Talking to people
For the social newcomer, this can be daunting. But it need not be, here are a few pointers that can get you socializing like a pro:
- Nightclubs are loud places, which makes talking difficult, keep this in mind.
- Don't straight up offer to buy someone a drink, this just makes you seem creepy.
- Look for conversation starters, such as clothes, drinks, music or anything easily discussed.
- Don't talk about shit from the Internet.
- Don't talk about things like religion, politics, or anything like that. You are only looking for trouble.
- Don't spew memes like a faggot. Most people have no idea who Billy Mays or TsimFuckis is, keep it that way.
- Look people in the eye when talking and smile while talking. It will make you sound friendlier.
- If you must lean in to speak into someones ear, it will be better heard and received on their right hand side.
Look for signs she is interested:
- She is touching her hair.
- She is laughing openly.
- If sitting down, she leans in.
- She touches her lips (this is a huge one).
- She lets you in her personal space.
- She gives you a quick glance and smiles
- She touches your arm (like "Oh, stop it! *laughs*). This means she really likes you.
If you get a few of these signals, congratulations, you are officially flirting. What comes next should be natural.
- Speak to her about light, off topic things.
- If you agree with something she says, let her know.
- If she says something funny, laugh.
- Conversely, if she says something that she thinks is funny but you don't, laugh anyway to make her feel better. Otherwise, you look like an asshole.
Pretty soon you can develop a connection with this person, and talking to them becomes easy.
If she asks you to go back to her house, or wants to go back to yours, please refer to this article.
Of course, you need to learn some signs that she wants you to back off so you don't get a face full of mace. Here are a few signs:
- She is crossing her arms. This means she's not letting you in. Of course, it could also mean she's nervous.
- If sitting down, she is crossing her legs
- She's looking to her left. This indicates dishonesty.
- She smiles, but her eyes don't crease. This indicates she's smiling politely, but not wholeheartedly.
- She avoids responding to you. This should be obvious, but some guys don't get the hint.
- She might skirt the issue by talking about her male friend. She's probably talking about her boyfriend.
- She gives short, curt responses, like a quick "Yes" or "No" without elaborating.
- She's looking around, or at the ground.
Beer is the drink of choice for the fattest men, and in many places, they will call you a fag if you drink anything else except rum or scotch.
There are five main types of beers.
- Lager - Urine-like appearance, refreshing when served cold once you finally acquire a taste for the stuff.
- Ales - Heavier, like urine when you are sick, sometimes cloudy.
- Stouts - Add salt and pepper, and here's your meal. These can also be called porters.
- Pilsners - Light beers are usually this, but they're not all bad. Miller High Life is a good example.
- IPA - India Pale Ale, bitter and hoppy.
Most regions have their own local beers, called microbrews. All are shit, particularly in the USA. If you are unsure of what to order, don't be afraid to ask the bartender, who will recommend the most expensive one and expect a tip for his/her trouble.
- American and Mexican beers are the scum of the fucking world. Americunts spend too much time doing useful shit, and hence have less time to drink.
- Australia is known for its piss. Fosters is a crap Aussie beer that we sell to Americunts who actually think Crocodile Dundee was cool, and that Australians ride kangaroos. Truth is, we sell it to you because no one here will drink it. Try Cascade Draught or Cooper's Pale Ale, faggot.
- Holland's primary export is Heineken, a company which spends all its resources on marketing and zero on improving the goat piss taste, so stay away from it. If you ever decide to go on a hookers and blow trip to Amsterdam, be sure to drink Hertog Jan.
- Belgian beers like Lambic tend to be strong and tasty so they are the finest. The Germans also do a good job. Good European beers are Duvel, Chimay, and just about anything German.
- Britain has a beer culture but the beer is usually terrible. Choices are limited to Amstel Light (which isn't even British), Budweiser in most areas, a shitty Woodchuck imitation called Longbow and the cleverly named Stella "Wife-beater" Artois. Enough said.
Beer comes in various glass sizes, these and their names change from place to place.
Wine is the drink of choice for wankers. There are thousands of types of wine, the basics being red and white. Kids love the sparkling kind, and mixes of white and red are called rosé It's actually just red wine with the grape skin removed. There's also champagne, which is a "grey wine" and is good for noobs, because it's fizzy like beer.
- Wine should only be drunk to get drunk.
- As a rule, buy wine for your meal if you're out on a date. It'll impress her and make her think you're sophisticated and are willing to spend money on her.
If you are broke as fuck (which you are, don't lie) fortified wines are a cheap and effective way to get drunk as fast as possible once you get past the taste. Brands to look for are Thunderbird (tastes like gasoline), Wild Irish Rose, Night Train Express (as made famous by Guns N' Roses) and MD 20/20 or "Mad Dog" (now in a variety of fruity flavors!). All fortified wines cost less than 10 bucks a bottle, which is why they are popular with niggers, the homeless and wannabe rockstar alcoholics.
If you drink beer or wine when you go out, you are unlikely to make a huge idiot out of yourself and will probably fall asleep before anything terrible happens. Be aware, however, that drinking spirits is quite likely to result in you blacking out for about 7 hours and waking up in a police cell, with no idea how you got there.
Mix your spirits with something like Coke if you want them to be actually pleasant to drink.
The following is a list of spirits and how they should be served.
- Neat (pure) or on ice.
Scotch (a kind of whiskey)
- "On the rocks" (over ice)
- On the rocks
- With orange juice, if you're a pussy
- With tonic water, unless you happen to be a black person or a pussy, then drink with juice.
- On ice with cola or ginger ale (i.e. Rum & coke)
With salt in a shot(WTF?! Drinking Tequila like this is clown shoes). Lick back of hand, apply salt, drink shot, suck lemon /win. The salt is for the edge of the glass when drinking something like a margarita.
- Neat, comes in lots of different flavors, so there's usually no need to add anything
Malt liquors are for pussies who just turned 21 and bros.
Remember the following.
- Chill on the spirits, and don't try to keep up with someone else who can drink more than you.
- Tequila worms are hallucinogenic, always take the chance to eat them.
- Stick to single shots.
- Keep up your water intake. If you can, eat a little bite of a banana or have a cracker after every drink. Keeping hydrated and full prevents a hangover.
Drinking is awesome, no doubt about it, but it is also serious fucking business. Don't drink and drive if you think you can do it safely and get away with it, you're wrong, because you are too fucking drunk to make that decision. If you do anyway, just make sure you're the only cunt that dies when you hit that lamp post. Watch how much you are drinking. Always start drinking on an full stomach and eat late.
If you want to look cool while drinking, use one of these.
These taste like candy and are consumed by teenage girls and faggots. The most common AlcoPops are pre-mixed vodka varieties and white rum pre-mixes. Loaded with sugar, they are easy to put down, and cause massive hangovers and dehydration. Not to mention they make you look like a faggot.
If you must, go for WDK Blue, Pulse Green or Melon Cruisers.
Party drugs come in all colors and flavours. They are great on their own, or with a complimenting variable. So let it be known that there are hundreds of ways you can snort, smoke, sniff, shoot, stomach, scrape, score, sell and cram up your ass to ecstacy.
- For more in-depth analysis, refer to ED's article on drugs
- Also known as: Weed, Pot, Leaf, Green, Marijuana.
Cannabis is a plant from Jamaica. It was found by Bob Marley who smoked it and got lung cancer. Most people smoke pot, however Arabs and hippies like to make Hash out of it, aswell as making a disgusting tea from the leaves. The active chemical in weed is THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol) and is the psychoactive substance that flips you the fuck out and makes you eat all the twinkies in the house.
Party situations suitable for Cannibis use are common. Any house party will no doubt have someone smoking a joint, or pulling a bong. However, due to the fact that cannabis is illeagal and the smell is readily indentified, it isnt recommended you light up when out at a bar or club.
The best ways to smoke cannabis are:
- A conventional bong. Info Here.
- A joint, which is a cigarette rolled with cannabis.
- A "bucket bong" or "gravity bong". Info Here.
- A vaporizer
If one has the time and is so inclined, one may also take the buds of the Cannabis plant and heat them in butter over a very gentle heat. This will draw the THC out of the plant material (which is thereafter discarded) and into the butter. The butter can then be used to bake brownies or cookies, whichever you prefer. Ingesting the brownies or cookies creates an entirely different sensation, or "high", commonly referred to as a "body stone". However, caution is recommended, as just one brownie is quite potent and severe physical after-effects can and will make themselves apparent the following day in the area of muscle control and co-ordination.
Cannabis is a cheap drug, and can be acquired easily. In Massachussetts, it's been decriminalized, so you don't have to worry about going to jail for it.
- Also known as: Go, White, Goey
Speed is a synthetic drug made from chemicals you can find under your sink. It comes in the form of a white powder and is very rarely pure. Most of this is cut with baking soda, draino or icing sugar. Speed will keep you awake for hours, and make you do things that you normally wouldn't, like compulsively clean your shitty basement. This article was written under the influence of Speed.
Speed is a good drug to use in nightclubs, as it only take a small amount to feel the effects. Speed will counter the effects of alcohol, and therefore can be used when you are getting too drunk to fuck, to bring you back to a normal social level.
Speed can be done in the following ways:
- Snorted through a $10 bill.
- Mixed with citric acid and shot up straight into your arm
- Sprinkled on a delicious donut and eaten.
- Rubbed on your gums for a spicy alternative to toothpaste.
- Mixed with your anti-psychotic and diluted with your morning coffee.
Speed is harder to find than pot, and prices vary. To get the same effect, steal some Ritalin or Adderall from your younger brother.
- Also known as: E, Eccies, X, Pills, etc.
Ecstasy is the king of party drugs. Drug of choice for ravers and other nightlurking scum, it is manufactured in seedy labs in the ghetto. They come in all shapes and colors. Idiots think that the different colors and prints on the pills set some apart from the others. This is bullshit, each pill is unique, as it is impossible for these backyard chemists to cook them all the same.
Ecstasy normally contains a base of Methylenedioxymethamphetamine or MDMA. However, you will most likely get a mix of MDMA, Speed or Smack mixed with other household chemicals.
Ecstasy can be done in the following ways:
- Munched. Biting then chewing the pill.
- Dropped. Taken like any normal vitamin.
- Crushed then snorted.
- Booted. Sticking the pill up your ass.
Ecstasy is everywhere, quality varies but prices don't. Wear sunglasses when out in public, because it dilates your pupils.
- Also known as: Meth, Ice, Crank, Crystal, etc
Meth as what we'll refer to it, is the choice of poor inner city people and mothers alike. Manufactured by almost everyone who has access to a few household chemicals, is considerably easy to make. But it seems that most of the time, the labs always go up in flames due to the incompetency of the cooks. It'll keep you awake for days, completely fry your brain (See 90's PSA's), and give you a hella good time. That is, of course if you're willing to get hooked on it for life, and destroy any chances of beating anyone at anything.
Meth can be done in many, many ways, and is not limited to the following:
- Liquified state, which is then injected, dropped into the eye, or inhaled.
- Eaten in a crystal state
- Inserted up your ass.
It's not hard to find, but you'd rather not do it. Avoid it at all costs.
Oh yeah, Breaking Bad is not a reliable source for instructions on how to make your own.
Ever wonder why those Jew sons-of-bitches have so much fucking money? Annoyed at how you got paid $500 on Monday, and are down to your last $20 on Wednesday? Everyone worries about Jew, and it can get to be a real problem if you are struggling to pay rent, food or other costs. Looking after finances takes a lot of time and effort, but is preferable to freezing to death on the street.
The first step to securing your finances is to set financial goals. What these goals actually are depends on your income, dreams for the future and your stage in life. For example:
- Saving for the down payment on a home.
- Putting more money into retirement accounts.
- Investing in property or the stock market.
- Saving money in a high interest savings account for a future deposit on a home.
- Organizing day to day living expenses.
- Clearing and staying out of debt.
User:VaultTec2 is a gas station attendant/gamestop employee and is generally a failure at life save for the college which he inevitably is failing because of teh stoopid. Financial goals for a person like this would be:
- Stop failing.
- Continue going to school, and actually study instead of playing games.
- Learn2Chemistry, you failful faggot.
One process that I have seen work successfully is to draw up a list for the purpose of setting financial goals. The concerned individual writes down their individual goals that cost money. Then that individual prioritizes their goals using points. A "one point" goal is one that would be nice to have, but could be delayed. A "two point" goal is one that is needed or wanted if the individual could find the money to pay for it. A "three star" goal is something the individual must have or do.
Financial Planners are Jews who you pay to make sure you don't run out of money. This concept is as stupid as it sounds, so these people are running away with your wealth (if you were silly enough to take their advice before the great financial collapse). Financial planners recommend that your money goals be giving money to the financial planner at one, five and long-term intervals. Financial planners are expensive.
- Pay all bills on the latest day you can without interest or getting a service cut off. Pay early and the recipient profits. If you leave the wrong bills unpaid, you lose your electricity, the phone, etc.
- Never pay bills online: this is just a scam to collect more information on you.
- Grocery shop when you feel the need: why take the trouble if you don't need the stuff now.
There are two types of people in this world, male and female. Both males and females converge in bars, clubs, venues and other social settings in order to meet people who they are attracted to. Once they find someone they like, in both their personality and looks, they attempt to commence dating this person.
This is what we call a relationship.
Asking Someone Out
Remember in high school when you wanted to ask out a girl you liked? You used to write on a piece of paper do u want 2 go out w/ me? with two little boxes underneath that said Y and N. This doesn't work IRL, so you need to develop a pair of balls and confront someone to ask them out. The good news is that people mature with age, and even though you still find dick jokes funny, you can overcome immature giggling and running away when asking a woman to go out with you.
- We have all seen those sitcoms and movies where people meet each other in a supermarket line and just straight-up ask to go to dinner. This is entertaining, but untrue. Asking someone out the first time you meet them is not going to work.
- The first thing you want to do is find out if the person you wish to date actually feels the same way about you. If they don't, then don't try to change their mind. They don't like you, deal with it and move on.
- This can be established in general conversation. If she is interested in what you have to say, if your conversation flows easily, if you get signs that she is attracted to you, then you are looking good in this respect. If you can't pick it, you deserve to die alone
So you've found a girl dumb enough to like you? Good work, Casanova, next you have to ask her out. Where you choose to do it is up to you, it could be a lavish performance where you seek the young lady's company for a romantic candlelit dinner on the French Riviera. Or it could be as simple as asking her if she wants to grab coffee after work. Just remember to play this part cool, here is a few tips:
- Choose somewhere that you are comfortable, this will relax you and conversation will flow.
- Don't go somewhere you know heaps of people, the date is about her, you don't want to have her standing there while you talk to your buddies.
- If you choose dinner, keep it relaxed. Go somewhere you know and somewhere you can use to start conversation.
- Remember to dress for the occasion.
- Offer to pay the bill, if she offers to pay half, then let her.
Further down the track:
- Mix things up when dating someone. You don't want to go to the same place over and over again.
- Ask her where she would like to go, or what she would like to do. Take hints, if she is interested in art, take her to an art show.
- Blogs and other websites have heaps of info about local underground events and galleries. Use these, they make for great cheap things to do.
If you can keep her interested, happy and feeling respected, then you will have yourself a shiny new girlfriend. Girlfriends are good for many things. They make sammich, they keep you warm at night, they have sex with you and they make you feel wanted. Keep your girlfriend happy and you'll never be alone again.
Breaking Up With Someone
Sometimes someone isn't happy in a relationship. It might be you, it might be her or it could be both of you. If you haven't tried to talk about the problems, you need to do that. The other person may not even realize that there is a problem which is easily fixed with communication. But, sometimes, it is not meant to be and its time to end it.
Here are some do's and don'ts about breaking up:
- Explain clearly why you are breaking up, answer her questions and listen to her point of view.
- Be honest.
- Remain calm, you don't want to lose your temper, not matter how angry or sad she is.
- Be sure this is what you want! Don't be a jealous asshole who hates every guy who looks at his ex-girlfriend after he dumped her.
- Leave after breaking up. Don't hang around, give her the space she will need.
- Get rid of her stuff. The best idea is to give it back to her, even if she's a bitch. If you want to be a real douchebag, you can destroy it or pawn it off.
- Break up over the internet, phone or via text.
- Ramble on about how shit she was, or put her down. You will never get laid again if you do this.
- Get someone else to tell her, pussy.
- Start fucking other women until you actually have told her you don't want to see her anymore. You hate it when girls do this, so don't be a douche.
- Let yourself be pressured into reconsidering. You have made up your mind, and you have to follow through. Be a man about it.
- Shoot her in the fucking face. As exhilarating as venting your frustration using her head as target practice, it is generally not a good idea, unless you like Bubba putting his evil inside you on a nightly basis.
- Become An Hero. As hilarious as your death would be, it only proves that you are a pussy and have exercised Social Darwinism. Don't do it, you faggot ass emo.
The best thing you can do is to be assertive. That does not mean be aggressive or arrogant or an asshole. It means being considerate while maintaining a firm stance. If you follow this advice, you should be single again, while keeping your testicles attached to your body.
At some point in time you are probably going to come to the conclusion that the relationship you are in is as perfect as you are going to ever expect. That your chosen mate is the perfect person to accompany you on your travels in life, and that the perfect thing between you, perhaps perfect love, will sustain you for the remainder of your life. Because everything is in this perfect state, you are going to want to commit to the relationship “all the way” thus making it a legally binding marriage…or, the perfect state of union between a husband and wife. Sounds perfect doesn’t it?
Wrong. Since 46% of all marriages end in divorce, there is a huge chance you are making a mistake.
Chances For Success
With odds like those, it will probably be the largest single mistake you can ever make in terms of emotional, physical, and financial strain upon yourself and your friends and family. Conclusions and decisions made under the duress of love or sexual attraction usually have a way of coming back to haunt a person more than any other rash decision a person is capable of making. That’s right, getting drunk and putting your hand in a crocodile’s mouth because your friends told you to do it is probably more safe “rash action” than entering into matrimony. It is with the utmost care that you consider all of the variables prior to making a legally binding commitment such as marriage. Here are some things to ponder:
- Does he or she have more mental problems than you do?
- Does he or she have mental instability in the family tree?
- Does he or she have any form of mental instability of their own?
- Does the person smoke crack?
- How is your mate set financially? Does he or she owe large sums of money or have they skipped out on people before? Were they asking you for money and to cosign on loans before you were even dating?
- Has your choice of husband or wife ever had a serious head injury?
- Does your choice of mate have a hobby that is considered odd by most people? These hobbies could include furfaggotry, shoes, baseball, dog humping, or wet and messy fetishism.
- Does your choice of mate spend an outlandishly long amount of time with the following: children, toys, church groups, or cults?
By carefully considering any number of these suggestive questions (among others that will depend upon your situation) and weighing your findings delicately, you will be able to pre-gauge your marriage success in a more accurate fashion.
The Knot Is Tied
If you happen to have the bad luck of being in a marriage already, you are pretty much stuck and at the whim of the legally binding contract you have entered into with your spouse. Some marriages work out, but as you probably know by now, your marriage is not one of those few lucky golden unions that we sometimes hear about. You live with a nag, a slob, a OCD freak, a slut, a gigolo, a wife-beater, a drunk, a whore, or an unstable bitch/bastard. Sure, there were good times once, but as the months slid by and became years, you have begun to fully realize the huge mistake you have made. If your mental anguish is not enough, and if by some grace of God above you managed to forget about your problems, you need only gaze down at your hand to see that shining band of gold on your finger and you will be reminded of all the plans and hopes you once had, but are now destroyed because of the error in judgment you made and the pain giving black hole you have chosen to live with.
But fear not, there is a solution. When your marriage becomes a sickness, the cure is a good lawyer and the family courts in your locale. While there is a cure, sometimes the cure is worse than the sickness; a divorce can cost you more in terms of mental stability, physical health, and financial solvency than any marriage itself. Again, you should carefully weigh any options you have prior to entering into a divorce court and expect to leave it with your sanity intact. Some things to consider prior to leaving your spouse:
- Is your spouse a lawyer?
- Is your spouse a wanted criminal?
- Is your spouse a drunk?
- Does your spouse have a history of violent behavior?
- Is your spouse Italian?
- Does your spouse have a larger older brother who is on steroids?
- Is your spouse employed by any local police agencies, or are any of their close family members?
Because divorce is a dicey game at best, you should examine your options very closely. Spouses who have power, money, influence, or a combination of all these things should never, under any circumstances, be divorced unless you have paperwork, audio, video, and DNA evidence proving your divorce suit allegations. Alternately, even if you do have all these things, you must also consider any extenuating circumstances such as violent behavior or your ability to extricate yourself from the situation in the most safe manner you can manage prior to actually serving the divorce summons. In most situations, divorcees choose to pick a neutral entity to deliver such summons.
Should You Be Served
When the event comes, do not act surprised. You have known for a long time that your marriage has been on a slow skid. You have been fucking your secretary at work while your whore of a wife has been banging your next door neighbor. This is nothing new and has been played out several billion times in the history of mankind. In the event that you are called to present yourself in a divorce court proceeding, here are some tips that you should follow prior to entering the courthouse:
- Do not use a family friend as a lawyer. If you have such a friend, your wife is already banging him and you will look like a tool.
- If you have any money tied up in stocks, liquidate it as soon as possible.
- If you have any liquid assets on hand, hide them.
- If you are a male, forget having custody of your children unless your wife is a raging alcoholic and you have proof of such behavior.
- If you are a female, use any talent or tactic you have at hand to ruin your soon to be ex-husband. Some of these talents include: being able to cry at any time, being able to bruise yourself with a telephone book, and finally, sleeping with as many court officials involved with your case as possible. Some tactics you can use to ruin your husband also include: mentioning rape in any context, mentioning child pornography in any context, or mentioning that your husband has had sex with any number of animals in any context.
- Once you have split up but are not fully divorced yet, do not think you are “free” and able to go and fuck whoever you chose. In other words: It’s a trap.
- Taking children across state lines against your spouse’s wish and during this sort of legal proceeding is a federal charge.
- Planting illegal drugs upon your spouse’s person or personal belongings is fair game. Do not get caught.
As stated above, some marriages somehow manage to keep solid and maintain themselves comfortably for many years…even decades. While these marriages may seem like an anomaly in this day and age, they are not. They are the combined efforts of two people to ignore each other as much as humanly is possible. Seriously, if you are in a successful marriage, you probably have a basement or a room you can go to and turn up music really loudly so that you cannot hear (or return) the screams of your spouse. The importance of being able to ignore somebody must not be understated. Having hobbies or activities outside of the marriage are well and good, but you eventually have to come home and somehow talk to your spouse. At first blush, it might seem a bit crazy to assume that talking is a bad thing. Sure, you hear it all the time: “If only we could talk things over, then everything will turn out all right.” This cannot be further from the truth. Talking only exacerbates existing problems and has never solved anything. Some things to help you avoid talking to your spouse:
- Pretending you are deaf.
- Taking the muffler off of your car. Most married couples tend to discuss crazy things like finance and sexual compatibility while driving. Removing the muffler also removes the ability to be understood or to convey an idea and is an excellent way to avoid talking while inside the car.
- Physically harming yourself so that you actually become deaf.
- Do not shop together for anything.
- If you have a hobby that you do not share with your spouse, never discuss it. They don't give a shit anyways.
- If you are a man, never attempt to explain a sporting event.
- If you are a woman, never attempt to make a man understand the importance of make-up.
By doing some or all of these things, you will be able to extend the success of your marriage. Then again, if you are already married and have been so for any concrete amount of time, you already know this stuff and probably have a few pointers to add to the list yourself.
Maintaining an Internet and RL Balance
The internet is one of the most important inventions in modern time, no doubt about it, but it also has the capacity to make us reclusive, which can impede on your life. Spending too much time online can make you reclusive and lazy and lose your friends. It can also affect your work life, if you are staying up late and getting to work late, or tired in the morning. Because everyone uses the internet differently, I can only offer general advice on how to strike up and healthy internet/life balance.
- Don't let the internet stop you doing other tasks. If you need to clean the kitchen, don't say you will do it after you reach level 70.
- Even if you can do it online, try to get it done IRL. Go shopping for that new jacket or TV in a mall or shop. The net has made it possible to get things we normally couldn't, but people need business too. Go to a shop to get things, you never know, it may be cheaper. You might even make friends of some sort.
- Don't reveal too much about yourself online. Be careful when making transactions over the internet.
- It's Saturday night, why the fuck are you on IRC? Have a shower, get dressed and go do some healthy socializing.
Using the Web to Socialize
If you don't go out much, chances are you haven't the faintest idea about where to go and what to do. Back before the internet, you would have to know the right people to get into certain clubs and bars, or even just to know that they exist. Not anymore. A simple Google search can now find you the best place to be on a Saturday night.
Social Networking sites like MySpace and Facebook have been used by promoters and clubs owners since they were started to get new patrons. Just going to MySpace.com where searching for Brisbane, Nightclub brings up Mystique, Ubar, The Planet, Ceasars, Faith, The Met, Rosies and many more, as well as telling me what will be happening there this weekend.
Using the internet to pick-up is pretty lame, and the chances the person you are talking isn't that hot girl in the picture. However, everyone is on Facebook these days, which makes organizing things like going out with friends and things like that a whole lot easier and cheaper. It also provides you with a huge medium to get whatever event, party, plan, band, organization you have out and seen by the masses.
One thing that many young people have to face, while not quite realizing it, is that they are going to grow older. Sure, right now you are 22 years old, just finished with college, and have the world by the balls. But do you realize that time goes by faster the older you get? Yes, you have probably heard this saying a thousand times from some old toothless geezer and you probably thought he was saying it just to poke fun at you or to sound important, but here is a shocker: It is actually true.
Time, generally speaking, does not "speed up" or "slow down" in the classical sense of the term.
Time Light is a constant and remains that way as long as there are moving things within the universe. However, while time light may be a constant, how you perceive time is not. When you were twelve years old, and you were waiting for your birthday party, it seemed like the weeks just crawled by, slower and slower, until finally your party arrived and you didn't get any of the shit you wanted. In fact, your dipshit older sister got you a fucking sweater in the middle of August. As you grow older, those feelings of time dragging seem to speed up. By the time you are 18 or 19, you can probably understand this concept and perhaps apply it to some of the experiences within your life.
When you finally reach your mid-twenties, this is where the ball starts to roll faster and faster, but not quite as fast as it is really going to get. As your mind collects wisdom over time and files it away, you will find yourself at 24 years of age one day, then you will blink and you are 28. A lot of this temporal and mental speed up can be attributed to alcohol abuse as it is fairly common in this age group. Waking up after a three day drinking binge, and wondering where the time went, is a perfect example of how time flies.
Issues With Age
Contrary to popular belief, there are actually people older than 30 on the internet. Yes, they are older and some of the normal things that youngsters take for granted have started to erode and fall apart. A perfect example of this physical erosion is how gravity effects certain parts of the human body. The skin under your eyes and under your arms begins to loosen up. Another example is male patterned baldness. If you are a male, your hairline may recede a bit. These are normal things that occur due to age, yet are attributed to "not living right" or "unhealthy actions." Don't let the youth of the internet fool you, this stuff is normal and can even be slowed or halted depending on your initial physical well being and also how you pay attention to your habits. The simple fact of the matter is that usually people in their 30s are about in the same condition as they were in their 20s, depending upon how they have treated themselves. Nobody thinks twice when a 35 year old person enters an athletic competition.
Some things you will hear on the internet or in real life that young people think is funny:
- All people over 30 have a bad hip.
- Having sex with a person older than
3040 makes you an untouchable pariah.
- Get off my lawn! While this catchphrase is funny at first, you also have to remember that older people take pride in the grass they slave hard over.
- Old people have saggy tits or balls.
- All people chatting on an IRC server are really just old men who are acting like 14 year old girls, or acting like 14 year old boys trying to pick up 14 year old girls.
- "Let me get that door for you, granny." Being a smartass to an older woman is never a bright idea. Remember what I said about 35 year old people being in athletic competitions? Watch your mouth around women who are in their late 30s as they are still able to beat your ass. Also, they practice on their spastic and retarded children.
- HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Yeah, the old heart attack joke is funny, but do you seriously think that a 37 year old is going to have one right in front of you?
As Time Flies By
Depending upon what you started out with, youthful appearance and vigor can be maintained well into a person's fifties or even sixties. Nobody gave George Foreman any trouble did they? But for all that, it must still be conceded that things are eventually going to fall apart. Some good practices to follow as you grow older are:
- Lay off high fat foods. Listen fatty, just because you work all day to bring home money to pay for your demanding wife and unbearably loud brats, doesn't mean you shouldn't watch what you shove into your mouth. As you grow older, your metabolism begins to slow down. What this means is that fat is harder to burn and requires much more attention if you wish to get rid of it.
- Get some exercise. Yes, you work all goddamned day for that prick in the corner office, but listen up! Sitting in an office all day, breathing air conditioned poison does not help your cardiovascular system. Your lungs and heart need you to get up from behind that desk and give them a little exertion.
- Play. Being older means that you have to be serious all the time, right? Wrong. Laughing, smiling, and being in a generally good mood are all proven things that will help prolong your life. Pick up some new hobbies or go outside and throw the Frisbee with your kids. Playing is probably the single most relaxing thing you can do for your stressed out aging mind.
- Drink Water Water removes all sorts of heavy metals and toxins from our bodies. Drinking it also helps your various organs do their jobs correctly. One of the biggest things older people do is to forget to drink some water.
- Avoid Stress. Stress causes all sorts of bad shit to happen to a human body. When a human being is threatened, a physiological chain of events occurs that changes many things withing the body. Stomach acid flows, adrenalin pumps, and the fight or flight reaction kicks in. Stress induces this chain of events, but does not offer any climactic outcome for it. A human being under constant stress who never has release will often have ulcers, hair loss, muscle control problems and a degradation of eyesight due to the fact that all that shit is happening over and over within their bodies because of stress.
- Get laid. Sex eases depression, stress, helps your heart, pwns prospective prostate cancer, makes you look younger when done consistently and is actually a powerful pain-killer.
As time flies by, you will begin to see that even despite your best efforts to control your aging, things will begin to fall apart. You may have to have your gall bladder removed, you may have to have laser corrective surgery on your eyes so you can see better, all these things (despite what children think) are just part of getting older. With luck, you may be able to stave off the worst of things, but the fact remains, by the time you are 60, you are not going to be pulling in centerfold hotties and fucking them unless you have a shitpile of money, and even then, you'd better have some Viagra in your pocket.
Most of the time when you speak of children, you will hear younger people state that they "won't ever have kids." This is usually because they:
- Hate kids. This is a load of crap. Everybody, unless they are the most vile and fucked up of beings, likes kids. This attitude is usually exhibited by some dipshit 17 year old who is attempting to act like an internet tough guy. They could also be socially retarded and don't like how kids aren't robots.
- Fuck kids man, I am going to go live this wonderful life of adventure. Ha Ha Ha!
- I just don't think I can handle them. During the 40 weeks of pregnancy, a strange thing occurs to most women, they actually slow down and stop thinking like a child themselves. This is a generality, but for the most part, the two grown-ups involved with making the baby tend to figure out how to take care of the baby.
- I'm gonna get fat. It's disgusting! Oh God, I don't think I can handle an Episiotomy! I'm scared of labor pain! Yes, all these things will probably cross your mind during pregnancy. Get over them quickly, the human body can snap back pretty quickly and is known to be resilient in most cases. Also, by the time the doctor whips out the shears and prepares to give you an episiotomy, you will be literally begging him to do it.
- What if the baby comes out all deformed or retarded? This is another load of bullshit people like to spew. Look, if you are not deformed and you are not retarded and you are under 35, chances are you aren't going to have a deformed or retarded child. It also helps if you keep your dick out of deformed or retarded people, but alas some people cannot seem to do this.
- Some snob doesn't want to have children because he or she wishes to make a socio-political statement. More rubbish, usually this type of person is a hippy-slob who can't get laid anyways. Also, this sort of person's general opinions concerning life change as quickly as a normal person changes underwear.
- Don't wish to bring children into "this fucked up world we live in." Not an invalid concern.
While all of these things are said by younger people, almost all of them never go through with actually "quitting pregnancy and children forever." As you age, your desires change. This is usually caused by the fact that you have a well paying job by now and are no longer that pimple-faced freak at the Taco Bell Drive thru window. Once you have money, you start thinking about the future. Do you think that kid pushing carts in the grocery store parking lot gives a fuck about the future? Also, sadly, you realize that life of adventure you had all planned out was at best, a pipe dream induced by a foggy cloud of marijuana smoke.
Since you have a shift in priorities as time goes by, you also begin to realize that yes, one day you are going to die. Thinking about the future causes this. Those carefree days when you thought it was perfectly acceptable to climb mountains on mushrooms, get drunk and drive your motorcycle at 140 mph, and fuck just about every whore that crossed your path are gone. You tend to slow down and think about your actions just a bit more than you did when you were a junior in college and you thought that lighting your pubic hair on fire was a good idea. Because you are now thinking about death, you are also thinking about how to preserve what life you may have left, or better still, to extend your legacy beyond the normal boundaries of your lifespan.
Children are the perfect way to do this! Just think of it this way: Your body and mind is a hard drive that is wearing out. It is really gonna suck when all that data (your memories, experiences, wisdom, and HILARIOUS jokes) goes away because that hard drive crashes. What is the best thing to do in this situation? That's right! Back up your data! Think of children as brand new hard drives that you can not only back up your data upon, but also send over your DNA, which is data collected from generations of old, dead hard drives! Lucky us, we can have children!
Children also make perfect slaves. Once your children become older, you can pretty much tell them to do any chores around the house you hate to do. If you hate mowing the lawn, well little Timmy is 13 now and it's time he learned some responsibility isn't it? Here are some of the upsides to having children:
- They have to do what you say.
- The younger they are, the more inclined they are to believe you when you tell them something.
- If you have a bad day, you can come home and smack the hell out of them.
- They can be trained to retrieve beers from the fridge.
- Once they acquire a Social Security number, you can have credit cards in their name made and then use them yourself. Fuck up THEIR credit rating too!
- Tax write-off/Child credit on taxes...1500 bucks per child! That's a really nice new television set or a mid-range laptop!
- If they somehow manage to make a bunch of money while they are still under the age of 18, you can take all that money...it's legally yours!
Conversely, there is a downside to having children:
- You can't beat them in public (anymore).
- Teachers look for bruising more often these days.
- Kids know how to dial Children's Services and will actually call CS on other kid's parents they don't like. While this may be funny, consider some other little brat calling them on you and your kids.
- They eventually turn 18 and break the bonds of slavery.
- Anatomically correct abuse dolls.
- For full coverage please see Death.
Death is an unavoidable non-event and should not factor into your daily life, afterall you will not be alive for your own death, so it really shouldn't matter to you beyond some basic planning for things such as:
- Who gets your shit
- What happens to the evidence
- What happens to you
No matter how you go, the best way to leave is cremation. It's cheap, quick, and spatially compact. No muss no fuss.
If you're caught up on dying just remember that in the big picture even the big picture is insignificant, the world will keep turning and the galaxy will still eventually collide with Andromeda. Remember, just because your life-functions cease it doesn't necessarily mean you're "dead". If you've followed this guide chances are you will not have left a shit-stain on society and people will be less inclined to erase you from history. So stop being emo and go outside.
In conclusion, life is pretty shitty. Its full of routines, boring shit like work and fucked up people doing fucked up things. The problems is that you can fall into the trap of being a routine, boring, fucked up person without even knowing. You only get one life, one chance to be everything that you possibly can be. Take that to heart, get out there and actually live your life. Experience new things, meet new people and travel. Being confident, open and friendly can take you places you cannot even imagine, and build you things that you may not have even thought possible.
You have the choice to sit around all day feeling like a social retard and not do anything, and if you do, fine by me. But now you have read this, and you have a faint idea on how to function in a way that will make you a better and more successful person, the possibilities are endless.
tl;dr an hero
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The Comprehensive Guide To Life is part of a series on Education
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