The Dragon Doctors
You need The Dragon Doctors for the first two and chemical castration for the last! Surely your vaginae and assholes are quivering with anticipation, so let's see what The Dragon Doctors has to proffer:
So these four self-insertions - the bear, the slut, the rapist, and the emo (pictured right) - are looking for some runaway vagabonds to ravage when they stumble on some inbred hicks who mistake them for contributing members of society. Somehow this statue turns everyone into chicks - except the slut, who is granted a mighty cawk.
They go back home, and are attacked by a
SWAT team squad of trained assassins who somehow fail despite being so-called professionals and having the element of surprise.
The remainder of the story bangs on and on with reminders every five seconds that THEY WERE GUIZE BUT NOW HAVE TITS!!1! because a good story should rely exclusively on redundant fetish fodder as opposed to plots and concepts and stuff.
Look at the image on the left. This is what is posted to The Dragon Doctors TV Tropes page. Now let's take a look at the one on the right. Can you guess which is a more accurate depiction of the comic?
We all have problems. Some more than others, but shit happens. However, some people don't just take the cake, they raid the whole fucking bakery.
For example, normal people don't suffer emotional meltdowns when they're banned from on an online community. Normal people, in fact, don't even consider the Internet a part of their social life, let alone a social surrogate.
Perhaps Mr. Speedball should consult this bit of Internet wisdom.