The Great Buttrape of Bloemfontein
On June 27th, 2010 the "best English group since the Beatles" got pwned by Germany 4:1 in the 2010 World Cup in what became known as The Great Buttrape of Bloemfontein or late revenge for Wembley 1966 -when England beat Germany in the final thanks to a dubious goal and win their only World Cup. The Great Buttrape was the single biggest defeat of an English national football team against Germany in the history of football.
Mind you, England losing at the World Cup is as inevitable as the weather being shitty on any given day in the UK. Predictably England did their usual Chicago Cubs impersonation to play and lose this grudge match with the Krauts. As it was, it looked like a bunch of retarded school kids turned up to play a team of pros. This will be analysed and whined about for another 4 years til the 2014 World Cup when they will get bounced early again. Of course when your
backup goalie for the Hand of Clod is nicknamed Calamity James, fucking shit, what were you expecting.
This might sound bad for Britfags but -honestly- the English wouldn't know what to do if England actually won at a game they invented, and it is widely known fact that they don't want to win anyway to avoid such an eventuality. In time-honoured tradition, the British tabloid press went batshit insane and called them a national disgrace amongst other lulzy things. The irony of the sentence being totally lost on the national disgrace that is the British Tabloid press. Meanwhile, since English fans take these matters very srsly, the ref has been placed in the witless relocation programme and is under 24/7 police protection for helping England lose slightly more than they should have done. The following day, FIFA boss, Sepp Blatter issued an apology to England and promised to think about goal-line reviews in the future, obviously in fear of his life.
The moment of high drama (that the English now use as an excuse for losing) was an English
goal miss from Frank Lampard that the ref disallowed for the lulz. The famous goal miss which wasn't given came with the score at 2:1 for Germany and would have been the equaliser, but wasn't. However, the bad great call changed the complexion of the game and instead of trying to keep the game even and gradually push forward for the win, England was forced to entirely abandon their defense and push everyone forward to play catch-up. It will also be called the pivotal moment when England was robbed of their fighting spirit; a theft that forced them to spazz out and play overly aggressive football with nobody in the backfield which ultimately cost them the game.
Now the brutal English tabloid press will be butthurt for the foreseeable future and alternate bagging on the ref being blind and England playing like a bunch of lepers. This comes as a surprise to exactly noone since we all know how much the English love to complain and moan about shit. If they had won, they would have just found something else to criticize on the way to another heartbreaking loss to a South American team in the next round.
Following their triumphant return, the English Football Association came down hard on everyone involved in the 2010 World Cup EPIC FAIL, and punitive measures were levied on the squad, so that they all had a bloody good think about how shit they are, and that in four years time they may kick the ball a bit more better and that.
If you were in the England squad this summer, you are now forbidden to have:
- A holiday
- A cigarette
- Christmas, birthdays, and pancakes on shrove tuesday
- A girlfriend
- A face and back that isn't covered in so much angry, angry phlegm
Even if you were the only England player who did remotely what they were meant to do in South Africa (kick the ball in the goal), you must not be seen:
All England players must report to a windowless monastery until the Daily Mail says they can come out (presumably after having the hoses turned on them)
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