Theresa May

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Police.gif 5/24/19 FUCK THIS BREXSHIT I'M OUT
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Theresa Can't became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in July 2016, following the fall of David Cameron, and called an election to strengthen her Government in June 2017 which ended up practically destroying it instead. She and then hung on by her fingernails for another two years before resigning, although it's still not entirely clear what happened behind-the-scenes to change her mind. She is the daughter of a vicar, and when asked to reveal "the naughtiest thing she has ever done" told a stunned press pool that it was that time when she ran through a cornfield without her parents' permission.

Small wonder that when the devout May got spanked during the elections of June 2017, she turned to some God-bothering nutjobs from Norne Irne to prop up her deflating government. The UK often points at the US and laughs because of gun-toting frothing-at-the-mouth Biblefags like the Westboro Baptist Church. However, at least no US President has ever invited the WBC to join his Government, which is more or less exactly what Theresa May just did.

Naturally, you'd expect such a buttoned-up permavirgin to have a God complex, and indeed she does. She actually wants to become God and know everyone's secrets. One of the very first things she did as Prime Minister was pass a law described as 'perhaps the most extreme spying legislation in any western democracy'. For this reason, it is (un)popularly known as "The Snooper's Charter".

Curiously, there have been a number of terrorist attacks in Britain since she became Prime Minister, and her response to every single one has been to propose new methods of preventing people having fun on the internet.

All you fcuketybutts who complain about Margaret Thatcher are so full 'o shit. Mummy May is far more extreme than the Iron Pussy could even imagine. May literally wants to be the British Stalin with 2 million surveillance cameras. Soon as she gets Parliament (ye cuntboys) to approve it she'll have a Death Squad with guns and everything. Mowing down niggers and faggots by the millions.

Remember all those years she was Home Secretary under Mr. Pigfucker? She put on her Wellies and rammed in shit like this and this. Right up the public anus and into the head. She hates unions so much, she tried to kill the UK police union. And sucks up to the jews. And in spite of her many speeches "deploring" racial violence, its on the rise under her "leader-shit".

May's decision to cut off the flow of public funds to the federation – commonly known as the coppers' union – is arguably the single most aggressive act by central government towards the police rank and file since the defeat of the police strike in 1918, nearly a century ago [...] To be heading into an election year in a battle with the police would have seemed like a nightmare scenario back in the 1980s.


—Can you spell "Self-pwn", Theresa?

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The Graet Black Person Removal[edit]

In her drive to make Britain "a hostile environment for illegal immigrants", the home secretary is likely to hand bigoted private landlords, and the compliant agents they employ, another valuable tool.


Yeah, but they deserve it,also fuck pakis tbh

As of Spring 2018, Nanny May is up to her armpits in a scandal she thought she had managed to avoid by silencing all the victims. Under new laws (that she wrote), people without any official proof of being allowed to live in the UK are summarily deported. Not "sent a letter telling you to leave", we mean "door kicked in at 3am, handcuffed, and forced onto a chartered airplane bound for the other side of the planet, carrying only the clothes you are wearing."

Some of these people are black person who have been living in the UK since the 1950s, who for some reason have never gone through the simple legal process of acquiring citizenship. Meaning, they have no Passport, no driver's license, no SSN, no bank account, in fact nuffin at all. But of course, it's the government's fault they got deported, so expect chimpouts a-plenty and demands of "GIBS ME DAT COMPENSATION".

The Snooper's Charter[edit]

May had been trying to force this law onto the books while Home Secretary under David Cameron and now that she's Prime Minister she smuggled it through while the nation was distracted by the chaos of Brexit. Officially titled The Investigatory Powers Bill it was passed by the House of Lords in November 2016 and now just requires the Queen's signature to come into effect. (Done: see below)

What it means[edit]

  • Authorities (including, but not limited to, the police and intelligence services) will have access to everything your phone or computer does
  • Your online browsing information will be stored for a year
  • ISPs are obliged (as in, they have no choice) to help spies hack your phone
  • Your communications with your Member of Parliament are no longer private, and neither you nor your MP will be told

Did anyone try to stop it?[edit]

Apple, Google, Facebook, Twitter, Microsoft, and Yahoo all lobbied the Government to scale back the new law and were ignored. Although to be fair, they were probably keener to keep tight ahold of their monopolies on exploiting personal data than to stand up for net freedoms.

Parliament voted to overturn the bit about MPs being spied on, but even that attempt was unsuccessful. The new law was pushed through Parliament at greater speed than usual in order to prevent it being discussed properly and as a result its definitions are so vague they could include just about anything the Government wants them to mean

Welcome to the goldfish bowl[edit]

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As of 29 November 2016, the Snooper's Charter is law. The following bodies can now obtain your complete internet browsing history on request.

  • Metropolitan Police Service
  • City of London Police
  • Police forces maintained under section 2 of the Police Act 1996
  • Police Service of Scotland
  • Police Service of Northern Ireland
  • British Transport Police
  • Ministry of Defence Police
  • Royal Navy Police
  • Royal Military Police
  • Royal Air Force Police
  • Security Service
  • Secret Intelligence Service
  • GCHQ
  • Ministry of Defence
  • Department of Health
  • Home Office
  • Ministry of Justice
  • National Crime Agency
  • HM Revenue & Customs
  • Department for Transport
  • Department for Work and Pensions
  • NHS trusts and foundation trusts in England that provide ambulance services
  • Common Services Agency for the Scottish Health Service
  • Competition and Markets Authority
  • Criminal Cases Review Commission
  • Department for Communities in Northern Ireland
  • Department for the Economy in Northern Ireland
  • Department of Justice in Northern Ireland
  • Financial Conduct Authority
  • Fire and rescue authorities under the Fire and Rescue Services Act 2004
  • Food Standards Agency
  • Food Standards Scotland
  • Gambling Commission
  • Gangmasters and Labour Abuse Authority
  • Health and Safety Executive
  • Independent Police Complaints Commissioner
  • Information Commissioner
  • NHS Business Services Authority
  • Northern Ireland Ambulance Service Health and Social Care Trust
  • Northern Ireland Fire and Rescue Service Board
  • Northern Ireland Health and Social Care Regional Business Services Organisation
  • Office of Communications
  • Office of the Police Ombudsman for Northern Ireland
  • Police Investigations and Review Commissioner
  • Scottish Ambulance Service Board
  • Scottish Criminal Cases Review Commission
  • Serious Fraud Office
  • Welsh Ambulance Services National Health Service Trust



Net Nanny May's Government is also pushing through a law to force age verification on porn websites that are accessible to children (i.e., all of them). This is so extravagantly over-ambitious that The Digital Economy Bill must be relying on people under the age of 18 not understanding how to set up a VPN or proxy, when they are actually the tech-savviest members of the population. Coming next: A Bill enabling the Government to turn your computer off by remote control when they think you ought to go to bed.

Aaaand to the astonishment of no-one at all, turns out this is a crabwise manoeuvre to thottle out porn that hasn't been approved by Britain's official censors, the British Board of Film Classification. So not only are you being expected to prove you are allowed to watch porn, the state gets to decide what you're allowed to watch in the first place. Seems legit.

The Dementia Tax[edit]

A brilliant plan. So brilliant that you would literally have to be insane to think it was a good idea.

In essence, if you go senile, the Government will hand your house over to private insurance companies to pay for your care, and perhaps let your family keep the spare change at the end of it.

Not only would you have to be gaga to vote for it, Theresa May must have been gaga to think that anyone would, particularly retiree voters who make up the bulk of the Conservative Party's support. She put it to the public, the public collectively went apeshit, and Theresa May went "lol j/k" and pulled it then appeared to think that she hadn't pulled it after all.

Theresa's Towering Inferno[edit]

Moar info: Grenfell.

To mark the occasion of the 91st birthday of Her Majesty the Queen (God Bless Her), Theresa May got 91 impoverished Muslims, and forced them at gunpoint into a dilapidated residential towerblock in one of Britain's richest boroughs. The Metropolitan Police then surrounded the ground floor of the block with kindling, and doused the whole thing in diesel. In a grand opening ceremony to mark the commencement of the royal celebration, Theresa May personally struck a silver-stemmed match with a ruby for a head, lobbed it into the kindling, then stood back and laughed and laughed.

Victim complex[edit]

Mummy May has often bewailed the fact that the media frequently report on what she is wearing. She doesn't seem to think it's newsworthy that the leader of a western democracy frequently turns up to official business while dressed like a French teenager who has been shot out of a cannon through a masquerade ball costume hire store. As you can see, May's sober and business-like attire is not worth passing comment upon and it is therefore the misogynist media who are responsible.

The descent in popularity polls[edit]

The stats don't lie

After making the most stupid decision of removing any sense of power her government had on the basis of 'she didn't earn it' and creating a hung parliament in the process, May had the simple job of passing the draft version of Brexit through the British MPs before Brexit had to happen on the 29th of March this year. For two whole fucking years, the MPs in her parliament pretended this draft would be the finalised deal from the start, made a big fuss about it and always rejected it on accounts like the fish market was mentioned for only one paragraph, uuung and it's too long to read, uuung. Her visits to the EU became her vacation days, so much so Junkerboi eventually told May to either take Brexit seriously or GTFO. After delaying the vote for a week, in December 2018 she suffered her first major defeat by 230 votes. To non-Brit fags, those numbers make Gordon Brown look like a good Prime Minister. Always a gentleman, Jeremy Corbyn saw this opportunity to strike May at her weakest, wanting the confused government to fall so that he would become Prime Minister when everyone just wanted Brexit to happen and get on with it. Some MPs wanted this theatre to continue under the loser they know and voted enough so then May stays, which says alot about the public trust Corbyn doesn't have. Fun fact: back in the 1800s when Thatcher was still Prime Minister, Jeremy voted against the free market option, which eventually would rename itself the EU after a few years. The old spinsters may have all croaked by now but the internet never forgets.

Two crushing defeats after, since then everyone including the old media, stopped giving a shit about Brexit because May's always gonna lose but the government doesn't know what it wants. You don't want Hard Brexit? Done! You don't want the No Deal option? Done! You want to delay Brexit enough to stay in the EU? Done? What the hell do you want Britain?

After seeing the UK end dead last in the Eurovision of 2019, May thought of seeing her own popularity polls, hoping she wasn't as bad.

107068317 optimised-may favourability-nc.png

Big mistake. Theresa May's hair got whiter than a visit at White Castle, which made the mysterious British mummy ragequit in a matter of a week.

She should have pressed the quit button at this very moment
Dead man walking from this moment on
I was just a month away from three years

Even the old media is a little worried now

Whoa she had brown hair once!

The Donald wasn't easily swayed by The Mummy

That went well

MayBot 2016 does not compute

Meanwhile, the rest of the UK...

If only the UK had an hero to rely on...

No Exceptions[edit]

See also[edit]

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External links[edit]

  • Progress of the legislation through Parliament, described as: "A Bill to make provision about the interception of communications, equipment interference and the acquisition and retention of communications data, bulk personal datasets and other information; to make provision about the treatment of material held as a result of such interception, equipment interference or acquisition or retention; to establish the Investigatory Powers Commissioner and other Judicial Commissioners and make provision about them and other oversight arrangements; to make further provision about investigatory powers and national security; to amend sections 3 and 5 of the Intelligence Services Act 1994; and for connected purposes."
  • Join this FB group so she'll have a good reason to spy on your ass!
  • May 2017: May's Government is toying with a ban on encryption and real-time content monitoring

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