Tim Kretschmer

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Tim Kretschmer
Tim Kretchmer fail.jpg
Born July, 26, 1991
Nationality Germany Germany
Highscore Killed 15 (+ suicide), Injured 9
Style FPS, Single Player, Pistol-Only-Server
An Hero Headshot, 11 March 2009
Top 50? 35th

He was an hero

Tim Kretschmer (November 6, 1991 – March 11, 2009) was a 17-year-old graduate of the Albertville-Realschule in Winnenden, Germany who committed a mass murder of fifteen people (eleven were women) and wounded nine others, including two policemen, all for the good old lulz. His shooting rampage has been dubbed as the Winnenden School Shooting. Kretschmer committed suicide after being cornered and wounded by police officers.

The press helpfully pointed out that Kretschmer was playing a lot of Counter-Strike, and we all know what that does to people. He also was an avid Bulletball player and had planned on becoming a professional player. Kretschmer was a loner and had no friends, he lived in his basement wanking over Anime. Pretty much like you, except he really was an exceptional shooter. However at least we expect that you'd have the courtesy to write an article on ED before you did it so we'd have the exclusive. BTW, little Tim was rejected by the actual Nazi army, because he was too wacky for the Wehrmacht.


I would probably think about screwing things up. Killing everyone I hate, I bet a lot of people would do this. I just mean, you become famous and stay in the memory of other people. See murderers like Ted Bundy.

I bet this would be a lot of fun. For the relatives of the victims it woulnd’t be much fun.


—JawsPredator1 in a forum's thread which asked what the users would do with 1 week left of time to live.

Krautchan trolling win[edit]

The German police and world media were successfully trolled by someone on Krautchan pretending to be Kretschmer who apparently posted hours before the shooting.

Successful troll is successful

Translation: Damn it Anonymous, this is getting to me. I'm fed up with this shitty life. Always the same - Everybody laughs at me, nobody recognizes my potential. I'm serious Anonymous. I have weapons here and tomorrow morning I'll go to my former school and have a great time barbecuing. Maybe I will even get away. Keep your ears open Anons. You will hear from me tomorrow. Just remember the name of the location: Winnenden. And now, don't report this to the police, don't be scared, I'm just trolling XD

German Innenminister (Secretary For State Security) Rech spreading the krautchan hoax at a press conference

Rech later admitted that the post was a hoax, saying "Some crazy person apparently decided to pass around this awful fake message."

Somebody else crafted this masterpiece and put it on 4chan:

4chans lame attempts

But was less successful.


His Steam profile
He played Counter-Strike. BAN IT!

He allegedly traveled the internets as JawsPredator1 and had an account at the German video portal video.gmx.net, on which he was flamed posthumously until the host decided to delete his account - see the hate in google cache

Some tough guys however decided to use his profile page to announce their evil plans:

AndreasMarcus1992 14.03.2009, 11:43 Uhr
Du hast das richtige getan Tim!! Aber cih werde dich überbieten und alle verfickten Menschen von meiner Schule abknallen -.- Und da im moment eh 100 von solchen drohungen kommen wird die polizei kaum ernst nehmen wenn noch eine drohung kommt... ich danke dir für die aktion.. aber mein lauf wird mit abstand der beste den die welt gesehen hat!


AndreasMarcus1992 14.03.2009, 11:43 Uhr
You did the right thing, Tim!! But I will outperform you and kill all fucking people at my school -.- And since hundreds of these threats are coming anyways, the police will hardly take another one seriously... I thank you for your action.. but my run will be the best the world has ever seen!

the drama continues...

An Heroes Comparison: Kretschmer vs. McLendon[edit]

The day before Kretschmer enacted IRL Counter-Strike, Alabaman Michael McLendon went on a slightly less impressive spree in which he murdered eleven people (including himself) in a fit of Darwinian justice. While these two incidents are similar, their respective merits necessitate comparison for the sake of determining who obtained more points.


  • Killed five more individuals; wounded nine others (whether or not any of his victims were Turks - who aren't really people and are therefore worth fewer points - is not widely known)
  • Got Bonus for shooting eleven girls.
  • Was a crack shot, regardless of Germany's far more restrictive gun laws
  • Shot two cops after taking a bullet in each leg
  • Functioned as a fully serviceable killing machine despite numerous handicaps (teenager ra, whiner, German)


Whichever of these two garnered more points depends entirely on criteria implemented in calculating scores, but this much is certain: he neither did it for the lulz nor topped Cho's high score.

Amok In Der Schule[edit]

When our An Heroic Kraut woke up on Wednesday, March 11th 2009, he went to his Daddy's room and took his 9mm Beretta handgun that he Kept unlocked in his bedroom, and arrived at Albertville-Realschule at 9:30. Our Germanic Crusader then entered the school and went into the first classroom he saw. He fatally Headshotted 5 kiddies and then went to the next classroom, where he got lazy and only killed 4 and injured 7. He ran out of ammo and stepped out so he could reload, but little did he realize that the teacher was going to the door, so she managed to close and lock it. After failing to shoot the lock off of it, he wiped his tears off his face and headed towards the Chemistry lab. He 1 tapped the teacher and before he could unleash his rage, all of the students managed to jump out of the window. The loudspeaker broadcasted "Mrs. Koma is coming" which was implemented after the Erfurt shooting. Walking around aimlessly, he saw some Polizei entering and tried to shoot them. He quickly ran away and encountered two dumbass teachers walking around the hallway during his Genocide Crusade. After killing them, he ran out of the school. While running, he encountered a gardener at a Mental institution who was too fucktarded to recognize the gunshots coming from the school and was killed. Timmy continued before finding some loser in a car and taking him hostage, making him drive to Wendlingen. The driver asked Tim why he was going AMOG and he responded with "for fun because it is fun" which translates to "I did it for the lulz". The driver later spotted a police car and jumped out of his vehicle, which made Tim run away. He entered a Volkswagen sales room and tried to get keys from a sales person. He then spotted another salesperson and a customer and shot them 13 times. When he had to reload, more people escaped. Krautschmer then decided to shoot at cars, but little did he realize that it's hard to hit people inside fast moving vehicles. After exposing his position to the police like a dumbass, an officer shot him in both kneecaps, causing him to retreat and fire from the building. He then left the building and went to a Business complex where he injured 2 Pigs who were sitting in their police cruiser, presumably eating donuts. After that, he tried shooting many people, but failed and decided to end it all by putting the pistol to his head. Some loser recorded him committing suicide so we could all laugh at it. Blessings go out to him for providing us with much needed lulz in such a shitty year.

Graded Score[edit]

Graded Score
Kill count: 15/20 (Injured 9)
Accuracy: 13/20 Those video games paid off!
Style: 18/20 Grand Theft Auto IRL
Butthurt: 18/20
Bonus: 17/20 Provided the world with much-needed lulz
Total Score: 81/100 (B-)
I did it for the lulz.
See full ranking

Wanted Level

Police Force

Tim getting a footbullet[edit]


Trolling from beyond the grave[edit]

Kretschmer has verified his position as an true hero by causing a huge debate over a possible ban of violent video games. On the 5th of June, the Secretaries For State Security of all 16 Länder proposed a ban on all "... games in which murder, torture or other inhumane acts of violence against humans or human-like beings are an important gameplay element..." - i.e. any game ever made except for Furcadia. Gamers all around Germany were outraged, proving that Kretschmer was not only an hero but is also an undead troll, continuing his work even after his death. Resistance is not expected, as it is unlikely that the German gaming community will stop masturbating, get up off their chairs and fight the good fight.


Sk00l Raider

The Game

Marc Lepine's Son

Ban assault video games!

Old Media chimps out



Oh shit sorry dad!


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See Also[edit]


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