Tom Newton

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HEEEEY ANONYMOUSURINE VANDAL PLAY A SONG FOR ME

Tom Newton, Also known as Jacob K. Reist and Infinite Plane Society (Real name Jacob Arturo Vigil) is the pseudonym of a blogger that creates the most impressive concentrations of fail and incompetence ever to grace our miserable lives. Tasked by his reptilian masters to make Dramacrats, Protestfags and anywhere they gather look as bad as possible, Reverend Jacob K. Reist is faced with this insurmountable challenge:

SAY THAT ANONYMOUS AND ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA ARE MEAN, AND GIVE EXAMPLES.

Even when confronted with the trolling equivalent of a barn door at broadside, however, Tom is unable to put a paragraph together without blustering, fabricating or contradicting himself mid-thought - and the shit he comes out with is still not even in the same neighborhood as some of Anon's great doings. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

In short, he combines the worst BAWWWWW of the Chanology with the shittiest internet tough guy act in the special class.

Acquitted for raping a 13 year old? Hammertime.[edit]

   
 
ANONYMOUS LEADER PAUL FETCH THREATENS TO BURN OBAMA!
 

 
 

Let's first take a step back and review Tom's mission statement. All he has to do is point out that Anon makes racist jokes and trolls people. Not only does he miss the open goal, though, he actually breaks his neck by kicking himself in the back of the head. Let's have a look Anon's day-to-day life, compared to what Tommy considers to be "Black PR." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

REAL ANON TOM'S IMAGINARY ANON LITE
Anon ruined a young girl's life by sending her noodz to everyone in her school, including her principal Anonymous doesn't care about free speech!
Evidence of Pedobear at work: 12chan Evidence of Pedobear at work: One picture of ENG's girlfriend, fully clothed on ED.
Anon turned Alex Wuori into a gibbering mess of dogs and curtains "Anonymous are not as serious, nor as informed, as they pretend to be."
Victims of Anon: Megan Had It Coming, Sweet Eva, GoddessMine Victims of Anon: KawaiiNekoGirl, LaraLove, Sue_Scheff (actually the ONLY examples he gives of "Libeling" on his websites)
Anon drove Chris-chan to suicide. * Anonymous are PROFESSIONAL ANTI-SCIENTOLOGISTS.
* Don't edit this, it's just a matter of time.

Omgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gifOmgonoz.gif

Clearly, Anonymous is a hardcore hate criminal in Tom's fairytale mind. Stay tuned for his next EX POE SAY of the internet hate syndicate where he outs Anons for returning library books late, dressing dorky, and living in their Mom's basement.

Joking aside, however, the question of just why Newton finds it so difficult to make Anon look bad is something that has baffled the critics for the best part of 2008. One reason might be that as a Placentafag, he is forbidden from actually reading the internet. This idea is borne out by his brave and selfless sally into enemy territory, to which he gave the grandiose title "MY EXPERIENCE AT AN ANONYMOUS MEETING SITE." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

4chan? 420chan? God Hates Fags? No, 8chan. An abortion with fifteen to twenty members posting there because they were too socially inept even for Thunderdome.

Tom manages to thread together a record five sentences ranting about Anon's "Seriously wrong" commitment to guro and teh prons, then as an example of the EXTREME CONTENT available provides the masterpiece seen here. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

Nakedanon.jpg

Wow...

Tom's Heroin Habit[edit]

Recent trolling failures have included:

Deliberately failing to understand jokes and satire aimed at twelve-year-olds.

Maintaining cognitive dissonance in insisting that Jewish and black anons are vile racists, yet maintaining typical scilon homophobia when attacking gay critics of Scientology.

Poor impersonations of whack-job OGs like Fredric Rice, wherein Tom feigns dismay that nobody was interested in his counterfeit copy of Rice's blog, which was was just as moonbat crazy and boring as the original...except for the child porn. Yeah, he's THAT stupid.

Accusing a defunct, non-English speaking Swedish cultural group of secretly organizing Chanology via time machine and hypnotic mind control.

Accusing a female commentator of being Tory Magoo's would-be rapist in the Thunderdome a year prior, based on his amazing powers of Google-fu.

Accusing Anons of being both anti-furry bigots and furries, at the *same time.*

Doxing Anons and innocent bystanders while bawwing about his own dox getting dropped.

Haha, B& from Twitter!

Forgetting to delete his own atheist rants before accusing anons of religious bigotry.

Admitted to be the animal killer who poisoned Mudkips (the cat of Sean Carasov).

Admitted to be the poisoner of "T-Rex," the dog of Boris Korczak

Had an opiate addiction which consumed the years 2004-2007.

Raped several children annally and orally. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)


Letting his "Jacobkreist.com" domain lapse, now owned by anons. Oops.

Posting copypasta testimony on a manufactured blog claiming to be a victim of Scientology. This attempt to prove the gullibility of anons was uncovered in less than 45 minutes.

Jacob K Reist, Child-Rapist At Large[edit]

Tom Newton, just another web persona appropriated by "Tom Newton," aka "Reverend_Jacob_K._Reist,". Tom, a failed artist with a Scilon mommmy, tried and failed hard at some IRL trolling. What likely began as a continuation of this trolling became a full-blown obsession, with posts getting crazier and crazier.

Due to Anon's infamously short attention span, he got away with numerous major mistakes. First, leaving his ecrater, cafepress, Amazon affiliate, and Paypal accounts under the "Jacob K Reist" name. A quick tour of Jacobkreist.com's internet archive entry shows those same accounts. Tom's since abandoned the website and his long-running Yahoo group to pursue his non-paying troll career.

Additionally, Tom's IP address almost invariably emanates from the radius surrounding the child molesters Abuquerque home.

Although doing his best to cover his tracks by removing those accounts and his sorry Failbook page, the cat is irretrievably out of the bag, due to numerous archives Tom just can't remove. Sorry attempts at cover-up include pointing the finger at sad sacks like Barbera, insisting "Tom Newton" is an invincible army of OSA hackers, and dropping the ips of Russian spammers on 888-chan.

Although he has been acquitted for rape, he's still a registered sex offender in New Mexico. He works at a cafe in Albuquerque called the "Flying Star" on Menaul Blvd. Someone should notify his boss......

THE CHILD MOLESTER RETREATS[edit]

During the month of July, 2008, the OT 3 course materials were posted in the "comments" area of the blog. Tom's overlords decided to call him in to discuss some potential future projects, and for three weeks, no further posts were added.

After three painful weeks devoid of lulz a new "Tom Newton" was found/hired/grown in a Sontaran clone vat, and was posting moar hysterical drivel about Anons "Harassing" people. Dear me! Harassment! Let's hope he doesn't call us "Scallywags" or "Ruffians" next guise! (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

Unlike his predecessor, the new "Tom Newton" possesses a markedly better grasp of the English language. His spelling and punctuation skills have similarly improved. The new "Tom Newton" also writes with a far more confrontational and aggressive style, but rather than adding any gravitas to his writings, it just makes him look like a crack-addled drama whore.

Early days[edit]

Before Chanology began, Jacob K. Reist was one of millions of failed artists on the internets, trying to sell coffee cups and calendars with his weak, boring designs on them via Cafe Press. He also was a hot-shot on various "Goth" message boards on Yahoo, using the handle of "Reverend Jacob K. Reist" (get it? K-Reist like Christ. LOL!). He tried in various ways to learn the trolling arts, and even created an "American Heretic Association."

Trolls Trolling Trolls[edit]

Possibly seeing the total lack of success of Paul Fetch, Reist decided to take up the cause of defending the Church of Scientology from the legions of Anonymous. Another explanation of Reist's inspiration from Paul Fetch that Reist is simply in denial.

Poster found hanging in Jacob K. Reist's shower, sans cumstains

Jacob K. Reist began his attack on Anonymous by claiming ownership of one of the icons representing Anonymous and offering it for sale on the Internet [1] with the asking price of $10,000,000! (lolbaleeted) Since he can, apparently, rub two brain cells together and spark a thought, he decided to open a Cafepress account [2] and sell shirts, hats and other dumb shit with the logo on it, possibly in the hopes of raising the money one dollar at a time.

Opening several YouTube accounts, many of which ended-up getting closed, Reist began uploading several videos which were rambling and repetitive, much like Reist's mentor, Paul Fetch. Whether this was a joint effort or he just did it on his own, Reist is convinced that he is destroying Anonymous' efforts to bring-down the Church of Scientology and he may be anticipating some sort of substantial reward for his efforts.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Reist claims that Wise Beard Man is the leader of Anonymous. Further, he has accused him of being not only against the Church of Scientology, but against all religions.

In a pathetic attempt to display some sort of talent and originality, Reist posted a video claiming that even Barack Obama opposes Anonymous.

However, he does often claim that he is doing this for the LULZ and he may be doing it simply to be an asshole and to get the attention that his mother never gave him when he was a child.

Ultimately, the Reverend Jacob K. Reist appears to be just a pedophiley man out to carve a name for himself on the Internet and failing at each attempt.


Gallery[edit]

PACK UP YOUR SHIT - ED "REPORTED!"[edit]

We're in trouble nao.
Pwnt by Blogger, lol

As can be seen from the breaking news story pictured here, Encyclopedia Dramatica has been "Reported" for the "Welcome To 7chan" image. Wait, can he be talking about this image? He can't mean this image, because we just heard that this image has been reported! Hang on a minute, let me call my mom. There, this image has been reported again! Wait, wait, here comes my cat. BANG! REPORTED!

This is, of course, the work of Newton's two splinter blogs. One is dedicated to canonizing the notion of "EVIDENCE OF PEDOPHILIA FOUND WITHIN ANONYMOUS" (yeah, he must have been Sherlock fucking Holmes to figure that one out). Once again, however, charged with the insurmountable quest of finding an Anon posting CP, he devotes an entire website to two pictures of fully-clothed children in non-sexual situations found on ED.

The other blog, humorously entitled "The Internet Vs Encyclopedia Dramatica", encourage any who has been libeled by ED to write in. As for the matter of whether he will actually provide the funds for them to launch a case against it, no information is available. Suffice it to say that the smart money is not riding on "The Internet." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)

It also implies that ED is in cahoots with the YouTube Yahweh Clan. LOL.

Recent times[edit]

"Tom" recently decided to display his mental instability in a new blog boldly entitled "ANONYMOUS" IS AN ORGANIZED CYBER BULLY ORGANIZATION. Strangely enough, the convicted sex-offender's blog focuses almost completely upon Encyclopedia Dramatica and its more prolific members rather than Anonymous itself. How somebody filled with such concentrated hatred manages to confuse Encyclopedia Dramatica with a completely separate entity is confounding, but the likely explanation is that Tom's long-term drug use has fried his brain. Further evidence of the screws missing from Tom's brain are the rambling, incoherent shitposts that he vomits onto the blog. The man frequently abuses ALL CAPS and bold text, sometimes mixing the two eyesores. The posts themselves are barely understandable to somebody without at least two mental disorders, but one can make out the fact that Tom's whinings usually involve old, uncontroversial information, desperate attempts to link two non-related subjects together, and utter hypocrisy. Much as all homophobes are closet homosexuals, Tom blatantly outs himself as a pedophile, drug addict, and bigot in every single rant he publishes by littering his posts with these creative insults. The content that he doesn't plagiarize provides an interesting glimpse into the twisted mind of a child-touching madman.

The Many E-Threats of Tom Newton[edit]

For more of Jake's bitching and vandalism, see this article's history page:

   
 
WHOEVER WROTE THIS PAGE IS GOING TO DIE. MY NAME IS JACOB K. REIST AND I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE. I DO OWN A LARGE AXE AND WHEN I FIND "REYLT" OR WHOEVER YOU ARE, i'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR CITY, TO YOUR DOOR, AND WILL SPLIT YOUR SKULL. NO JOKE. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS. ANONYMOUS PROTESTERS WHO ARE DEFAMING ME WILL PAY FOR IT AND WHEN I FIND THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I WILL KILL YOU WITH AN AXE.
 

 
 

—JACOB K. REIST

   
 
"I AM ACTIVELY SEARCHING OUT THE IDENTITIES OF MY DEFAMERS. WE WILL HAVE OUR DAY IN COURT IF I CAN PIN YOU DOWN. IF NOT, I WILL BE HAPPY TO TAKE THINGS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND SLIT YOUR THROAT AFTER SODOMIZING YOUR MOTHER IN FRONT OF YOU. YOU WILL DIE LIKE AN INSECT. I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR THROAT WITH MY BARE HANDS. YOUR MOTHER'S ANUS WILL BE BLOWTORCHED BEFORE DEATH, AND IMPALED UPON A BROOMSTICK POSTMORTEM. I WILL NOT GET CAUGHT. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY I GET YOUR ADDRESS, "REYLT." YOU'RE GUINNA FUCKING FIE A HORRIBLE DEATH, A FITTING END TO YOUR DISPICALBLE AND PATHETIC LIFE. GET IT? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. THIS IS NOT AN INTERNET JOKE. YOUR MOTHER IS GOING TO DIE RAPED AND TORTURED AND YOU WILL DIE AS I STUFF YOUR SEVERED PENIS INTO YOUR MOUTH."
 

 
 

—JACOB K. REIST

   
 
WHOEVER KEEPS THIS THING PUBLISHED SHOULD KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET THIS. I AM HEALTHY, 37 YEARS OLD AND MORE THAN TAKEN CARE OF FINANCIALLY.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL I CATCH UP WITH YOU. I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES 15 YEARS, I'M GOING TO GET TO YOU.

I IMAGINE THAT OUR ENCOUNTER WILL INCLUDE GARBAGE BAGS, A SHOVEL, AND A BLOWTORCH.

I INTEND ON REMOVING YOUR TEETH, HANDS, AND FEET.

YOU WONT BE FOUND. IF I FIND YOU WITH FAMILY, THEY'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD AS WELL.

YOU MOTHERFUCKING COWARDLY SLANDERING BITCH, I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU.

YOU THINK IT'S A JOKE TO SPREAD RUMORS LIKE THIS? WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE TOLD YOUR BOSS AND YOUR WIFE THAT YOU FUCK KIDS? ? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I AM LITERALLY GOING TO RIP YOUR TESTICLES OFF WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS. AND IF YOUR MOTHER IS AROUND, I'LL SHOVE THEM DOWN HER DEAD ASS THROAT.
 


 
 

—JACOB K. REIST

   
 
WHOEVER WROTE THIS PAGE IS GOING TO DIE. MY NAME IS JACOB K. REIST AND I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE. I DO OWN A LARGE AXE AND WHEN I FIND "REYLT" OR WHOEVER YOU ARE, i'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR CITY, TO YOUR DOOR, AND WILL SPLIT YOUR SKULL.

NO JOKE. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS. ANONYMOUS PROTESTERS WHO ARE DEFAMING ME WILL PAY FOR IT AND WHEN I FIND THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I WILL KILL YOU WITH AN AXE.


WHOEVER WROTE THIS PAGE IS GOING TO DIE. MY NAME IS JACOB K. REIST AND I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE. I DO OWN A LARGE AXE AND WHEN I FIND "REYLT" OR WHOEVER YOU ARE, i'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR CITY, TO YOUR DOOR, AND WILL SPLIT YOUR SKULL.

NO JOKE. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS. ANONYMOUS PROTESTERS WHO ARE DEFAMING ME WILL PAY FOR IT AND WHEN I FIND THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I WILL KILL YOU WITH AN AXE.

WHOEVER WROTE THIS PAGE IS GOING TO DIE. MY NAME IS JACOB K. REIST AND I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE. I DO OWN A LARGE AXE AND WHEN I FIND "REYLT" OR WHOEVER YOU ARE, i'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR CITY, TO YOUR DOOR, AND WILL SPLIT YOUR SKULL.

NO JOKE. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS. ANONYMOUS PROTESTERS WHO ARE DEFAMING ME WILL PAY FOR IT AND WHEN I FIND THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I WILL KILL YOU WITH AN AXE.
 


 
 

—FUKKIN JACOB K. REIST

   
 
IS IT REALLY "BITCHING" TO TAKE ISSUE WITH BEING CALLED A PEDOPHILE BY RANDOM INTERNET PERVERT SCUM?

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE CONTRIBUTERS ARE ON MY DEATH LIST. EVEN YOU YOU COWARDLY FAGGOT. I SHOULD RIP YOUR EYES OUT and SELL YOUR LITTLE SISTER TO AIDS INFECTED CRACKHEAD NIGGERS. THAT;LL SHOW YOU. YOU LIKE PEDOHILES? YOU LIKE PERVERSION? LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD ARE THE VICTIMS YOU WORTHLESS PRICK. I WOULD EAT YOUR FUCKING TONGUE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR FACE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
 


 
 

—Jacob K. Reist

   
 
I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU

ALL OF YOU WILL DIE THIS LABOR DAY WEEKEND

I WILL BE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A KNIFE.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SICKEST HOME INVASION IN YEARS.

THANKS ENCYCLOPEIDA DRAMATICA FOR PROVIDING A FORUM FOR LIBEL AND RUINATION.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBILE FOR SETTING A PSYCHOPATHIC PERSON OVER THE EDGE.

I WILL KILL. I WILL KILL. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. I WIL USE A SLEDGE HAMMER AND BOX CUTTERS TO REIN HELL UPON THIS FUCKED UP FAMILY.

I LOOK FORWARD TO CUTTING YOUR BALLS OFF AND FEEDING THEM TO YOUR STUPID FAGGOT
 


 
 

—JACOB K. REIST

Memorable Quotes From Tom[edit]

   
 
I killed Sean Carasov.
 

 
 

—Anybody want to call in the v&?

   
 
DUD DHH DUH DUH DUDH DUH DUH!@

YIPPY DUH DUH DUHD UD HUDHUU H DHU HDDUHU

Head up my ass!


dhu duhduudhhduhdh DUDUDUUDUUDUDDHHHH!!


YAY!!!!

 


 
 

—Tom is overdue for his next straight-jacket fitting.

   
 
Sadly, he didn't kill himself earlier
 

 
 

—Tom flaunts his hypocrisy by mocking the death of beloved EDitor ODB.

   
 
Reading Encyclopediadramatica.rs and participating in the cultural sewage it represents puts you in league with pedophiles and sadistic cyberstalkers.
 

 
 

—Change 'reading' to 'being featured in an article' and Tom's almost got it right.

   
 
ED IS A SIMULATED CHILDPORN SITE. YOU APPROVE OF IT. YOU PEDOPHILE!
 

 
 

—If ED did have child porn on it, it would get a lot more traffic.


   
 
...and Scientology will outlast any kind of contribution that any of you haters will ever make to this planet. So, go to hell.
 

 
 

—Jacob K. Reist, kissing Church of Scientology's ass


   
 
I eat Kindergarten pussy.
 

 
 

—Jacob K. Reist, posting 2 years ago on The Big Pharaoh


   
 
I shat while driving once. It was a pedophile to drive in first gear and risk not getting home in time.

I picked up a toddler.
 


 
 

—Jacob on being a pedophile


   
 
It's just... I was saving that bacon!
 

 
 

—Jacob K. Reist, now without bacon.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article January 23, 2009
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