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Too cool for the Internet

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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"I'm done arguing with you brah. You don't have any friends and I'm too cool for this internet shit anyways."

Too cool for the internet is a bit of an abstract concept that can mean many things, but it is typically where someone basically tries to act as if or implies that they are somehow "above" being on the internet. To further elaborate, it is also often used in forums as a last resort or defense mechanism by butthurt pseudo-intellectuals, regs, prommies, internet models or anybody else suffering from unwarranted self importance and unrealistic expectations in a futile, pathetic attempt to have the last word in an argument or try to make it appear as if they're somehow better than you after you've completely pwned the living hell out of them. They're the real winner, you see. Unlike you, they have lots of friends, a life, get laid, and you're just a H8r. It should go without saying that it is also a psychological condition and mindset as well, among other manifestations. Not surprisingly, it is closely related to and often co-morbid with USI, Internet Tough Guy-ism, GOTIS, etc. Older politicians sometimes engage in a variation of this, too important for the internet. Usually, deep inside they know this isn't true, and have their staff perform the internet functions for them. In the common vernacular it is also often abbreviated as TCFTI for convenience.

History and Etymology of Too Cool for the Internet

Although there is heavy debate among Internet Historians over when TCFTI was invented exactly and whether it was the Ancient Greeks or Ancient Egyptians that were responsible, what we do know is that long ago it was truly only the most greasy of virgins and acne lepers that used the internet or even owned a computer for that matter. Being even remotely into computers was generally considered as shameful as being into toddlercon or even being a Brony by modern standards. You could expect an ass whoopin' from Tony Danza, Fonzie, Cooldude, or any of the other popular kids for using a computer, and rightfully so. Thus, back then TCFTI was genuinely a valid retort in IRL confrontations with losers and was also a legit way to bully the neckbearded inferiors that were merely put on God's green earth for our amusement. Today however, virtually everyone uses the internet, so TCFTI is technically archaic. This still doesn't stop certain people from attempting to utilize it however, and ironically, these days the vast majority of people that do so are generally the biggest losers of all -- In contradistinction to those that did before the digital revolution -- Thus, much like its linguistic and historical relative Haters Make Me Famous, a fertile lolcow that is prime for milking is pretty much anyone that now attempts to do so in a pathetic and misguided attempt to make themselves appear in any way cool or important.

Too cool for the internet as a defense mechanism

The truth for most of you.

A typical scenario involving "too cool for the internet" being used as a retort or defense mechanism will typically go something like this:

  • A poster innocently posts something on a forum, with no intentions of anything but simply discussing it in a friendly manner. It can be a post about anything from music, art, cars, animals, 'dry' humping, or whatever really.
  • Finally, the prommie, pretentious pseudo intellectual or moron sees that he or she has been completely obliterated, backed into a corner, and made a fool of. With no way to win, they will usually respond with something laughable like "LOL, yOUve gOt 2 muCh timE on yEr hAndS wELL wAs fUn dEstroYinG U bUt iVe gOt tO gEt rEady fOr woRk nOw" in a pathetic attempt to make it look like you were taking things too seriously, to make themselves look like the victor, or to create the illusion that they have a life when in reality they're a basement dwelling neckbeard with no friends that is probably crying, and their only "job" is giving their 500 pound mom her daily spongebath.

Extra lulz for you if after leaving their supposed final post and "heading off to work or to a party" that you respond to the post and destroy them even further, and then they come right back and start attempting to argue again, despite the fact that they supposedly have a job, a girlfriend, and a life. Calling them out on this is even funnier. Be warned though, you will likely be blocked or if they happen to be a popular member of the forum, you will likely be banned. What better way for them to show you that "thEy dOnt cAre aNd thEy hAve a LIfE", right?

Too cool for the internet as a mindset

Get-off-the-internet-and-get-a-life-cjmadden.gif

Yes, going to a shitty club with these morons would be a much more productive way to spend your spare time.

Too cool for the internet is also a mindset shared by many a dumbass both online and IRL who delude themselves into thinking that they're "too good" to have anything to do with something as nerdy as the internet. They don't need the internet. Unlike the rest of us, they have a life. This type of thinking is most common in 16 year old girls, AOL chatroom members, and old people who believe that anyone and everyone on the internet must be a child molester or a morbidly obese 45 year old virgin that lives in his mother's basement by default.


   
 
I dOnT nEEd to gEt oN thE intErnEt unlYk u nErdS I hAve a LIfE I gO to partEEz I giT fucKed uP i hAvE frEndZ giT oFF thE intErnetZ anD gEt a lIfE LOL
 

 
 

You

That fact of the matter is that the majority of these people with this attitude are retarded in reality, and have absolutely nothing going for them. They just believe whatever the TV tells them or whatever their dumbass friends think. In their expected stupidity and total cluelessness, they think that going out and getting impregnated by random guys is somehow more productive than enjoying a night of lulz on good ol' Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's even funnier because recent studies and findings show that using the internet is actually making people smarter, despite what old people, 16 year old girls, and other dumbasses seem to think.

Too cool for the internet as an excuse for being a complete asshole

   
 
iTs juSt thE intErnET gUYz quiT taKinG iT sEriuSlY!1!1!!
 

 
 

—William Murderface of Dethklok and every other moron on the internet.

Lulz are all in good fun, but sometimes it's just too soon. Most often used by trolls, gaiafags, and anybody else who wants an excuse to torment people behind the protection of a computer screen for fear of being beaten to a pulp if they were to say such things in real life. They mean to imply that by getting even the slightest bit upset over the fact that they were mocking the recent death of your entire immediate family in a tractor trailer accident, you are "taking the internet way too seriously" and have "no life." It is also meant to try and alleviate any semblance of a conscience that they may have left after experiencing the bitterness of a completely failed life and perpetual Perma-Virgin status.

Where to see examples of Too Cool for the Internet in action

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Too cool for the Internet is part of a series on Language & Communication
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