Top Gear

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The current format of Top Gear.
Pictured: Jeremy Clarkson, the longest serving host.

Top Gear (also known as Top Gayer or Top Queer), was an unfunny would-be car show that started about 100 years ago. The original iteration was laughably unfunny. Later they changed the format to be about 3 middle aged fat British wankers who drive around in cars you will never able to afford and driving to places you would never want to go. Later still, once said trio pissed off the BBC for the last time, the show became a politically-correct vehicle with a diversity cast. Despite its rampant un-funniness that continues to descend into nothing more than sheer mediocrity with each passing season, British Top Gear was at one point known for being one of the biggest trolls on TV.

Classic Top Gear[edit]

Bet she is pretty good at driving with a stick

Before the first Star Wars was more than a sparkle in George Lucas' wallet, Top Gear appeared to some unlucky UK midlanders who were hoping their new-bought TV would actually bring enjoyment into their lives, but instead they were presented with a boring magazine-like show about cars. The hosts were Angela Ripon and Tom Coyne. From 1980 onward, Ripon was replaced by light entertainment Napoleon Noel 'trail of death' Edmonds. Coyne mysteriously died less than a month after Top Gear 2.0 was canceled. Coincidence?

After kicking off Angela Ripon for being a dumb woman, they tried out a shitload of different hosts, each one more terrible than the last. Because of this the viewership was shit, and BBC was constantly threatening to kick the show to the curb. After dropping all pretenses and finally becoming an all out fuck-you-environment show by bringing in Jeremy Clarkson, the show became the most watched on BBC2 for some reason, probably due to the cancellation of Doctor Who. It kept like this from 1988 to 1998, until Clarkson got bored and hungered for more. Hosting a shortlived talk show, the dying breaths of what was the original incarnation of Top Gear soon shit the bed and finished with a bunch of no-name Z-listers reading off a script, as the rise of the internet made the show's entire premise all but obsolete.

But what a run it was though. Becoming the main presenter in 1991, it wasn't long before Clarkson got himself and the show knee deep in shit, which equalled ratings. He managed to upset Peugeot so much that they immediately withdrew their advertising from the network on which Top Gear aired. Unfortunately for them, the BBC doesn't air advertisements so their threat was literally nothing more than hot air.

His 1995 review of the Vauxhall Vectra is one of the most infamous.

And to this day, ex-British Leyland employees personally hold Clarkson responsible for the death of their shitty motoring operation other than, you know, building shitty cars that were humiliated by the efforts of almost every other country, with bodies that rusted in real time and engines that broke down whenever the wind picked up.

Sounds great, right? You're probably wondering where you can watch this. Unfortunately for you, you can't. The show was never released on home media (even though there are around 2,000 DVDs of every Doctor Who episode in existence) and Youtube recordings are constantly taken down, even to this day. It's almost as if the BBC want the show to be forgotten.

Top Gear 2.0[edit]

From left to right, Hammond, Clarkson, James May, and The Stig.

With the original crew packing their bags and leaving for BBC's immediate rival, Channel 5, and having a surprise success in the form of Fifth Gear, the BBC realized it was they who were at fault rather than their shitshow, and so tossed Clarkson into his own personal motoring faggotry nest, gave a few gay lovers to help him out, and hoped that he would keep his fucking mouth shut. But he didn't. Instead, he resumed his old ways, and began, once again, to loudly voice his opinions about cars, do pointless tests (like seeing what could maneuver better, a car or a helicopter gunship. We all hoped that Clarkson would soon be put down once and for all, but, incredibly, (with the replacement of his two original faggoty co-hosts), Top Gear continued!

Despite eyeryone expecting it to fail immediately, new Top Gear, with Jizza at its helm, developed into an English version of The Chaser, only better, and more popular, and with cars. Why the success? Because, for no apparent reason, Top Gear decided to transform itself from a lame-ass car show to the single biggest troll in Britain. Because of this trolling, Top Gear became the second of only two examples of lulz made by the BBC (the first being Monty Python). Treasured memories of it include the time its space shuttle blew up in mid-air, the time the hosts built a bridge over the River Kok, and the time the whole crew was run out of Argentina by a rabid mob. At its heyday, it was being shown in more than 100 countries.

However, like all good things on the BBC, it would not last. For eventually, the BBC became tired of his constant games of catch the nigger by his toe, and his merciless insulting of its political allies. Top Gear began to get sued again and again for things like Malicious Falsehoods and Racistness. Eventually, it all came to a head when Jizza falcon-punched some producer over no complimentary dinner being served for the hosts. When asked as to why he did this unspeakable act, Jizza replied that he had been stressed because he had just that moment realized that his second marriage was shit, recieved a diagnosis that a lump on his tongue was cancer, and that the BBC, hoping to finally get rid of him, had cancelled his contract. In other words, he did it for the lulz. After this incident, Clarkson was quickly purged from the BBC. His co-hosts, in a heartwarming display of unity, left with him. Remember, this from men who, when they were on the air, frequently reminded each other 'This isn't the Marines, we leave people behind.'

Also, new Top Gear was the sauce of the BBC's fail forced meme, The Stig.


Jeremy 'Jezza' Clarkson[edit]

Jeremy Jezza Clarkson is a copiously fat, bald, tall, and gay Britfag. However, this can all be forgiven, since he one of the biggest trolls in the history of TV. Unique for being the only host to be on both Old and New Top Gear. Jizza hosted the show for more than twelve years before finally being told to GTFO by the BBC after he cunt-punched a bitchy producer. While he was on the air, Clarkson was known for being a champion of the lulz. His many lulzy deeds include insulting Assburgers, the previously mentioned cunt-punching, and for being the first man to saythe word nigger on mainstream TV in at least 100 years. Catchphrase: 'MOAR POWER!' Also, his first wife left him for one of his friends after six months of their marriage.

However, his proudest moment (as a fat old hasbeen who doesn't think before opening his mouth) came in 2008. In a newspaper column, Clarkson mocked 25 million people who had their banking details stolen in a data leak, by publishing his own bank account number and sort code.

All you'll be able to do with them is put money into my account. Not take it out. Honestly, I've never known such a palaver about nothing


—Jeremy Clarkson, Asking for it

Very soon after that, some genius used those details to set up a direct debit from Clarkson's account, worth £500, payable to the charity "Diabetes UK".

James May[edit]

James May is even older, fatter, and more gay than Clarkson. He is known as "Captain Slow" 'cause he he likes it slooooow. He is also a fan of ballet and owns a Ferrari. Catchphrase: 'Oh, cock.'

Richard Hammond[edit]

A stupid redneck midget who gets an erection every time he sees anything even remotely rural. Secretly an Americunt. Object of adoration from Top Gear fangirls, and also hates Mexicans. Oh, and once he had a tire explode on a 300MPH rocket car while he was driving it, crashed, and had to spend a few weeks in hospital.

Jason Dawe[edit]

Purged after the first season. Too much of a faggot even for this show.

The Stig[edit]

Has his own article. Some say you should click him to read more.


Typical Episode[edit]

Shows always start with Jizza making unfunny intros, then goes into either him or one of the other two faggots doing a review of car noone can buy. Then the Stig drives it around their test track for no real reason. Then there's The News, where the hosts sit and troll cars or people they don't like, and James says Good news! The Dacia Sandero is X!. Then there's the main event, almost always something completely pointless, like 'How many puppies can a Ferrari run over?', or 'What's the worst Car you can get for 1500 quid?'. Then it's back to the studio, where one of the hosts is inevitably butthurt over failing epically at the challenge. The other two troll the loser for a while, and then 'On that bombshell' it's time to end.

I wonder what the challenge is today...


Mocking Germans[edit]

In 7th series, Jeremy decided to have a go at ze Germans. A quintessentially German car that would only use the Nazi salute as indicators, a sat-nav that only went to Poland, and a fan-belt that would last thousand years. Of course since Germans have no humour they got quite upset.

Hammond's Crash[edit]

While shooting for Season 9 of this rubbish, Hammond aka Hamster decided to have a go at trying his luck in a dragster car called Vampire Dragster, a small breeze threw him off course and causing him to tumble and crash spectacularly. Saved by his hamster-cage, he unfortunately managed to escape, and then return to the show.

If I had a to-do list it would have said:

Get in car.
Drive car.
Crash car.



YouTube Favicon.png Richard Hammond

Hammond's Crash 2: Electric Boogaloo[edit]

Trying out the new Rimac car, Hamster decided to test how fast the car could go upside down.

Sweet Home Alabama[edit]

Because Hammond didn't have enough of a death wish already, the trio decided to go to America. Here they would visit Alabama, and paint their cars with offensive words meant to offend the conservative right.

Trolling Romania[edit]

Borat country, with gypsies and Russian playboys


—Clarkson accurately describing Romania

Romania got really really upset with this awfully accurate portrayal of their gypsy country, in season 14, so they decided to re-edit the episode and they even wrote a letter.

Gypsies Got So Upset They Hacked The Daily Telegraph[edit]

To prove how mad they were about this, some retarded Romanians decided to hack a completely unrelated newspaper.

Top Gear Romania.jpg

Insulting Mexicans[edit]

Yet another group of thin-skinned crybabies got offended when Top Gear spoke about them in season 16. This time YouTube Favicon.png the Mexicans. This even invoked the ire of The Young Turks, with Ana spearheading YouTube Favicon.png the outrage.

lazy, feckless, flatulent oaf with a moustache, leaning against a fence asleep, looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat"


—Hammond describing Mexico

Refried sick


—James May describing Mexican food

Richard Hammond:
I'm sorry, but just imagine waking up and remembering you're Mexican

Jeremy Clarkson:
It'd be brilliant because you could just go straight back to sleep again!



—Jeremy and Richard describing Mexican lifestyle

Their houses are disgusting


—Hammond describing Australia, but pay no mind to this, because Australians are white

Patagonia Special aka Argentinians Be Mad[edit]

Driving around the number plate H982 FKL could of course only mean one thing. That Top Gear was referencing the Falkland War. So in a display of anger over losing the Falklands to Britain, Argentinian nationals decided to trash the cars that the entire crew was driving.

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The car for sale

Clarkson said nigger[edit]

You really have to put on your problem glasses to hear the word nigger. Nigger.


I did not use the N-word. Never use it. The Mirror has gone way too far this time.


—Clarkson, lying.

Sunny skies, light breezes, girls wearing short skirts, because the thing is, you can’t not look. You can’t physically not look.


—Clarkson, telling perverts it's awwwright.

I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day when a woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of me tripped over the pavement, went head over heels and up it came, red g-string and stockings.


—Clarkson, explaining how Muslim women are whores.

That is a proud moment, but there's a slope on it.


—Jeremy Clarkson, Azn hater.

We're more a nation of witherspoons and Heat Magazine and...Chlamydia.


—Clarkson, stating the truth of his home country.

Save Clarkson? Save old cardboard boxes and cut bits of string. They're much more useful.


James May, being unfunny on Twitter to hide his butthurtness at Clarkson being fired.

Top Gear 3.0[edit]

Matt LeBlanc Surprised.gif
Chris Evans, more or less the ginger version of Current Year Man.

As if the old Top Gear wasn't unfunny enough, BBC decided to just throw their money straight out the fucking windows. Their first choice for a presenter was whiny screeching voice Chris Evans, known for being the most unfunny at any given time. Well until the second presenter was announced. It was no other than Matt LeBlanc, who someone might remember from the disaster known as Joey, a spin-off of Friends. So now it is two unfunny presenters. The others were Sabine Schmitz from the German Top Gear that crashed and burned, a mystery-meat Arab geek called Chris Harris who Jalopnik adore, a former F1 team owner (whose team went from winning races to sucking dick at the back of the pack in a matter of years) and a token nigger.

Ratings Fell Faster Than The Pound After Brexit[edit]

Despite Britain having a population increase of 8%, which was roughly the same as the number of viewers from even the worst modern Top Gear episodes, it somehow managed to beat out its own previously low record of 2.3 million by only getting 1.9 million viewers. So if we remove the population increase and ignore the VPN users and others, the actual number is 1.75 million. More than half a million less than Top Gear 2.0. Excuses are many, and among the most insane is that the stupid Brits were too busy watching soccer instead. Sure, they were busy watching the underdog team that beat their team. YouTube Favicon.png That seems legit for tea drinking faggots.

So Chris Evans quits[edit]

Stepping down from Top Gear. Gave it my best shot but sometimes that's not enough. The team are beyond brilliant, I wish them all the best., Chris Evans

And it had nothing at all to do with the entire team fucking hating the git.

“Matt [LeBlanc] has already indicated that he won’t continue on any further series if Chris remains part of it, and he is far from the only one who isn’t happy.”...

The source added that Evans has allegedly “firmly distanced” himself from the team, refusing to “encourage” them and even “pretending to bump his head against a wall in frustration” when formed F1 boss Eddie Jordan struggled to nail his lines., Good riddance to bad rubbish

Cohost response:

Eddie Jordan Chris Evans Top Gear Tweet.jpg
Archive today-ico.png (archive)

Chris Evans was on fewer episodes than Jason Dawe.

Clarkson Top Gear Loser Forehead.jpg
Clarkson sending his warmest regards to Chris Evans

New Season Is So Shit That They Are Destroying The Test Track[edit]

The famous Top Gear Test Track is now being demolished in order to make homes for 1800 immigrants.

I am delighted that the Secretary of State has granted planning permission as this development will provide significant benefits to the local community, of the 1800 new homes 540 will be affordable.


Leader of the local Council, Councillor Julia Pott

Shut it down.

The Grand Tour[edit]

After Clarkson got sacked by the faggots at the BBC, Hammond and May left too as part of some sort of gay pact for life the three idiots signed many years before. Global monopoly of late packages and not telling you your shit you just ordered is actually coming on the slow boat from China: Amazon saw this as a great cash grab opportunity to get more Prime members and snatched Clarkson, Hammond, and May up along with former Top Gear lead producer Andy Wilman to film a new car show to shit on Top Gear 3.0. Amazon is paying them even more fucking money than the BBC ever did and is giving them a bigger budget to do even more colossally dumb shit involving motorized transportation; all filmed in 4K. The show is basically in the same studio format as Top Gear 2.0 but the idiots travel around the world this time in a tent. Everything else remains very similar not to piss of fans but different enough not to piss off the BBC. The Grand Tour's first episode dropped on November 18, 2016 and proceeded to make the BBC shit themselves.

Damage control from pro-BBC outlets was immediate, and countered criticisms that the viewership had dwindled to laughably pitiful numbers by calling out Amazon for not revealing theirs, even though such a feat would be more or less impossible given how streaming works almost nothing like a traditional TV service, and that The Grand Tour's reach was worldwide, whereas Flop Gear remained limited to a tiny island. It also helps that upon its premiere, The Grand Tour became the most heavily pirated series to date. Anyway you cut it, it's clear as day that people were tuning in for the 3 twats more than they ever tuned in for some cars they'd most likely never be able to afford.

In order for this eventuality to have even come however, the BBC's head Jew (((Danny Cohen))) put in place a series of demands and stipulations so that The Grand Tour wouldn't hurt Top Gear's revenue (hint: it was hurt the minute you defended your firing of him). Said demands and stipulations ranged from understandable (i.e. no Stig/voiceless test driver), to hypocritical (not allowed to use the word 'Gear' in their name, despite Fifth Gear having done so in the past), to downright absurd (not allowed to refer to countries as 'beautiful', for example). It's clear to anyone with an IQ higher than a parakeet that the demands were more of a means to sabotage The Grand Tour, rather than protecting their intellectual property. But what do you expect from a company ran by a Jew?

Pretty much everyone outside of Jalopnik agrees that The Grand Tour is infinitely better than Neo Top Gear, and you'd have to be a mouthbreathing pants-shitting retard to think otherwise.


This show has had more spinoffs than Star Wars. Srsly, America, Australia, France, Germany, Japan, and South Korea all have their own versions, all of which lack the British version's trolling component, and are therefore failures.

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See also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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