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Totse (AKA TOTSE or &T), or Temple Of The Screaming Electron, was a throwback to old-school BBS days when being a hacker was about information, instead of being some sort of generic fashion statement. The main focus of Totse was the Community Bulletin Board, followed by the Text Files section which had articles that appealed mostly to rebellious 13 year old boys who wanted to get revenge on their Nazi parents or wanted to plan the next Columbine. On the site you'd find information related to computer security, discussion of politics, even some stuff about religion. Of course, 90% of the articles consisted of:
- Poorly written "instructions" on how to make bombs that will in all likelihood get you killed or arrested without doing any actual damage
- Pornography and other spam
- HAI TO YOU!
- Endless outdated phone "hacking" techniques
- How to get high off Raid and many other household items
- The 100th revision of the The Anarchist Cookbook text file
However, Totse wasn't all about text files. There was a fairly large forum with over 9000 registered users, most of which were spam accounts & sock puppets used to harass the oppressive moderators. Totse even had its own flag and national anthem because Totse was serious business. Totse was created by Jeff Hunter, who didn't really run the site at all. Instead, he showed up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess.
Totse used to be the original source of lulz before websites like 4chan came into existence. Since then, chanfags attempted to overrun Totse with their forced memes, but Totse is safe from the cancer by no longer existing. Totse thrived on its own set of memes, articles, lulz, and trolls. It still has its own IRC channel at Slashnet by the name of #totse, where newfags can try and suck dick to get inside.
Moderators of Totse included Zok, Metaphysicist (who later on became a supermod) and Euda (demodded for not kissing Meta's ass). Every other moderator was just a sock puppet of these three.
Totse was shut down in January 2009 and majority of totse users were left stranded. There were two main clones of Totse -
zoklet.net and Totse2.net, which soon migrated to Totse2.com. In June 2010 Totse.info(gone)was created for those who hated zoklet and were weary of totse2.
- 1 Orientation Video
- 2 Totse Forums
- 3 Forum Functions
- 4 Memes
- 5 Totse's Shenanigans
- 6 She's Gone U Gaiz
- 7 Gallery
- 8 Totse Comics
- 9 Famous Totse Members
- 10 See Also
- 11 External Links
An accurate video regarding Totse and its faggotry.
What was originally a gathering ground for emotionally damaged ethical hackers, SG over the years became a massive chatroom for morons to bitch excessively about how much they hated the moderators for locking their retarded topics, and other typical teenage problems. If that wasn't bad enough, the fail had received an upgrade thanks to SG being overrun by the same carcinogens that infected -- and continues to infect -- /b/. Spurious was to be avoided at all costs, unless you actually wanted to reverse the effects of puberty. Breeding point of MR HAI.
Better Living Through Chemistry
This was your typical drug forum, consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they could find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this forum was that it was the recruiting grounds for most of the Totse moderators. The job description for moderators on Totse required them to take more pills and illicit substances than Ripper to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of teenage lunacy that Totse's userbase dealt out.
People in BLTC had also been known to think Windows Movie Maker would produce high quality videos.
Sex and Affection
This forum had little to do with any real sex and even less about affection. Almost all of the users were angsty teens that had no real experience except technically losing their virginity by having cybersex. One highly delusional mod of this forum, named Jackketch, fashioned himself to be God's gift to women and was generally hated by the masses. Like any forum on the Internet about sex there were common dumbass questions like:
- Omg this girl likes me! WHAT DO I DO?
- If I wait 6 months do I get my virginity back?
- I had sex with this guy, and now I regret it.... can I charge him for raping me?
- If I don't lose my virginity by 15 should I get a hooker or kill myself?
- I'm 14 and my penis is 17inches long (I'm not lying...NOT LYING!)... will this be enough to satisfy my potential girlfriend?
- Alright, there's a highlighter stuck in my ass.
A very common and very touchy subject among the massive angsty teenage male population, was the whole self-proclaimed "Nice Guys" misogynistic rant about how apparently all women are whores because they don't want to be near whiny repulsive stalkers. Fact: Most, if not all, of Totse users were virgins and had no lives.
You want a woman? Get off the computer and spend more time outside.
This forum was the reason why most people joined Totse. It was filled to the brim with people talking about things that could get them put in jail for a very long time, openly and freely, thinking that using the term SWIM (Someone Who Isn't Me) would protect them from prosecution.
Weapons and Combat
This forum was composed mainly of rednecks and niggers who whined that politicians were Nazis because they wouldn't let them own armor-piercing, high explosive, depleted-uranium, 120mm, 600 round per minute machine guns, with a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher. The other half of the members were wapanese fucks who watched Kill Bill one too many times, bought shitty $50 samurai swords, and preached this bullshit rhetoric that they had some kind of honor and could deflect bullets.
Also known as the "bomb making forum", Backyard Ballistics was where wannabe terrorists and pyros learned how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter to dipping your genitals in nitric acid. To become popular here, your best shot would have been to post topics about the informative knowledge of the "The Anarchist Cookbook" that you learned from Bombshock.
Incidentally, saying "bomb" here apparently resulted in a IRL B&.
There were only four types of topics here:
- Pulp Fiction quotes
- Donnie Darko discussion
- Fight Club discussion
- Dead Nigger Storage
Half Baked was Spurious Generality's intelligent yet retarded brother. It consisted of a small community made up of MILFs, niggers, emos, women, Albinos, gay people, and some respectable posters. You would have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it, i.e. until you contracted violent and severe mental retardation. Half Baked was the pain in Totse's ass. HBers were responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of Totse's trolls were HBers. What's more, the users in this forum were lonely loser virgins who wouldn't know how to bang a woman if she fell on to their dicks.
Bitch And Moan
This was the parasitic twin of Half Baked, that just happened to have AIDS.
The Totse forums used to run on a 75-year-old BBS scripted in Notepad that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looks like Windows™ 3.1. Since it was so old, many users abused one of the millions of loopholes which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as goatse's anus. Another drawback, was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many were known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, on 4 April 2007, the old BBS was replaced with a new, but very homosexual vBulletin system, in a massive revolution of clusterfuck.
The Rep System
A short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their e-penises to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in e-Bukkake. Thankfully, the user known as Harold failed to get the mods and admins to reinstate the Rep System. Harold failed at his protest and life itself. There were changes to the board shortly after, including buddy lists and the tagging of threads. It was speculated that Jeff would rename Totse to the Facetemple.
Flood Control and 5char
Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat porn and making worthless posts to inflate their e-penis (post count in this case), so he decided to implement an essential device called Flood Control. Basically, whenever some asshole decided to post a topic immediately after another, it stoped them from posting for 63 seconds. The only problem was that a large chunk of Totse members could not grasp the oh-so-simple concept that a BBS is not a fucking instant messenger. Users frequently bitched about how 63 seconds was just too long to wait. But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the teenage mind. Since its placement, flood control kept Totse from spiraling into complete faggotry. It should also be noted that both New Orleans and Atlantis could have benefited from flood control.
One other side effect of the new vBulletin software was that no post could contain less then five characters, preventing the old +1 (to post count) posts and threads. This was done in an effort to get people to actually say something, but it was soon figured out that simple bit of ASCII trickery would get around 5char by making blank spaces.
Over the years the Totse forums had several main memes before being completely overrun by the INTERNET HATE MACHINE. These included:
- Jenkem: One of Totse's more infamous and wide-spread memes. The guy you see making/huffing Jenkem in all those pictures? A Totsean named Pickwick.
- Huff Raid: Quite possibly Totse's biggest meme due to the fact that it was a part of a fairly lulzy forum event. Sometime in 2002 or 2003, a 13 year old boy went in Better Living Through Chemistry and asked the typical question, "How do I get high off of household materials?". One user, who went by the name of pennylane, told the kid to huff Raid bug spray as a joke. Not surprisingly, the gullible moron fell for it, and about a day or so later, the kid's account made a post that was titled from his mother, claiming that he was in the hospital. The forum members told her how stupid she was, that she should get back to the kitchen, and other insults to which she replied "I will get all of your IP's and you are all going to JAIL for this." It is not sure what ever happened or if it was just trolling, but the story lived on to become the top meme on the forums.
- Murder/Suicide: Totse members hemorrhaged angst on a daily basis, which caused them to post long, boring, emo rants that lacked spelling or maturity. Murder/Suicide became the most appropriate answer to any of these posts, forcing the poster to shut up or become an hero. Very similar to the TITS OR GTFO maneuver.
- Molotov Everything: Another response to solve one's problems.
- SCREEAAAAAAW: Some buttfucker once made a thread about what it would be like to ride around on pterodactyls instead of cars, and this is what Totse had to say.
- Dome: Spawned when a retard came to Totse for advice on how to get head, but instead referred to it as dome.
- My Uncle gave me herpes: Origin unknown.
- You're a hardcore faggot: The go-to response when Half Baked got angry.
In the days before the existence of YTMND & 4chan, Totse was on their own. Their shitty software was prone to attacks such as the SPF raid. The Totse basement-dwelling elite found a solution to their problems: TOTSE ARMY. The Totse army was a group of hackers and skript kiddies who would stand up against Totse's enemies, executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically an early form of internet military. The first targets in their career were the long time rivals at bombshock after some idiot from there came to Totse with the sole intent of trolling the shit out of the place. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on drawball, however, they were all too goddamn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in two crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the Koreans.
may be coming back (Probably not, since the site is gone.)
When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza". After the army finished raping and goatseing the shit out of the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened legal action. For the first time in at least 100 years Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the fuck off. He then pulled out his massive cock shaped banhammer and sodomized the Totse army, who moved on to drawball.
The media often did specials on Totse, due to the fact that any searches like "How to make a bomb with household items" and "How do I lose my virginity to my sister?" turned up Totse as the first and most relevant search. At one point, the Canadian media blamed Totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. Then, the Canucks's cited that Totse turned 17 ordinary white Canadian citizens in Ontario into full blown Muslim extremists.
Australian media also blamed Totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and featured an image of a Totse user on their "National Security Information Campaign" poster. PROTIP: Look closely at the outdoor PDF.
November 2nd, 2007, Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulated a memo about a new drug, Jenkem. Local news got a hold of this lolcow and showed just how stupid old media really is. The video includes pictures of Pickwick and his wonderful creation with 'Totse' clearly visible on the container. Story Here.
TsuN00bie Summer '08
On July 4th, registration for the forums opened after a year of being closed, creating a wave of new users wanting bomb instructions and how to inject Jenkem or smoke nutmeg.
On November 2nd, 2008 someone got ahold of one of Jeff Hunter's old admin accounts and proceeded to have a little fun with the forums. Half Baked was his first target, removing the two mods and replacing them with people who hated HB. Then, as if it couldn't get any dumber after that, a random user from the board was put in charge for about two seconds before he deleted fucking everything. It came back, but thousands of people had lost posts from their postcount.
She's Gone U Gaiz
The coming of Pastor Sehmish
 heralded the death of Totse. Like Noah, the Pastor tried to save Totse but none would repent, so God's wrath came upon the forum and its members like it did in Sodom and Gomorrah and on January 17th, 2009, Totse was shut down. The majority of previous members left to the Zoklet.net forums , where the Pastor continues to spread the gospel and seek support. Everyone who was tired of Zok's shit went to totse.info . Though, after much faggotry on part of DFG and TDR, people quickly realized that totse.info was shit and fucked off back to Zoklet.net
Totse has its own comic series made by Jeff Huntard himself.
Famous Totse Members
- Life hacks: What came from the cookbook
- Cult of the Dead Cow
- The Totse Brisbane Meetup Jan '08
Totse Text-Files Mirror, hosted by Totse2.com Totse2.com Totse2 Text-Files
- Totse Archive
- TOTSE Archive, via REDFERN/TOTSE2
- Totse on Reddit
- What happened to Totse?
- Totse users show that they are still 1337 HaXorZ
- Totse Comics, archived
- &TOTSE BBS welcome screen ASCII art
is part of a series on Web 1.0