Tourneyfags, short for "Tournament Faggots", are singlehandedly the most embarrassing things to ever rear their distended heads into the world of video gaming--even more embarrassing than being caught masturbating to Dead or Alive by your grandmother. Tourneyfags like to take flawless video games such as Super Smash Bros. Melee and beat the living shit out of it with completely unnecessary rules. Now that Brawl is available, their unnecessary revisions result in not so much Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but Super Smash Bros. BAWWWWWWW.
At these tournaments, all the basement-dwellers get together with their Gamecubes and spend several hours
circle jerking waiting to touch a damn controller and actually play the game in the biggest sausage fest on Earth. After your five to eight minutes of playing, you get to wait several more hours to play again, unless you lost your last match, in which case you can either leave or stay and watch the rabid fanboyism. Either way, the day will end with you alone in your basement, crying, and wondering where your life went wrong.
All tourneyfags desperately want Super Smash Bros. to be a competitive fighting game like Street Fighter, but of course this will never happen, since the game is completely geared towards casualfags. In fact, most self-imposed tourneyfag rules are aimed towards making the game more like Street Fighter anyway. So why don't they just play Street Fighter? The answer is simple: they're retarded autists who love Nintendo's shitty characters. Note that there are no Japanese tourneyfags, because they're too smart to try and play an obvious party/casual game as a competitive fighting game.
APEX is the biggest Super Smash Bros. tournament. Hundreds of tourneyfags shows up, desperately trying to convince the rest of the world that they aren't completely wasting their time by taking a casual party game way too much seriously.
- 1 Types of Tourneyfags
- 2 B& FAGGOT! U R NOT FAIR AND BALANCED!!1
- 3 Smashboards
- 4 Iwata Asks: Brawl
- 5 Tourneyfags Invading Other Situations
- 6 Memorable Quotes
- 7 Tourneyfag Jargon
- 8 Notable Tourneyfags
- 9 Tourneyfagism in other games
- 10 See Also
- 11 External Links
Types of Tourneyfags
- Casualfag - These are the type of people who show up to tournaments with absolutely no idea what any of the rules are and provoke the ensuing wrath of the Typical Tourneyfags; they may even choose their favorite character. They may actually defeat some of the Typical Tourneyfags since they're more or less on the same level of skillz. The only thing that really separates them is whether or not they actually bothered to memorize the rules. There's a 50/50 chance that the Casual Fag will get sucked into the never ending spiral of self-destruction that is Tourney-faggotry or leave the scene forever as they realized that tourneyfags fail hard.
- The Professional - These most likely azn players have dedicated their lives into getting really good at playing the game. You stand no chance against them unless you are a Professional Tourneyfag like they are, in which case you're just as much a loser as them. They know all the rules by heart, and have carefully calculated every statistic to give them the mathematical advantage over their opponent. Normally these Tourneyfags are saving their virginity for Zelda or Princess Peach, and have a severe case of basement dweller-ism. Despite all this, they're not all that annoying, because they're able to shut the fuck up for a few minutes.
- Typical Tourneyfag - This type of Tourneyfag is not as dedicated as the Professional, but they're really damn close to failing just as hard as them. They use their favorite character while acknowledging their disadvantages, but occasionally choose a less popular character simply for the sake of wanting to win, with no intention of having any fun. They tend to disagree with some of the rules unless they want to ass kiss the moron who wrote them. They're the most annoying type of Tourneyfag, because they're fucking everywhere. You can most likely find them foaming at the mouth while yelling at someone.
B& FAGGOT! U R NOT FAIR AND BALANCED!!1
Do you have a favorite character, a favorite stage, and/or a favorite item? There's a
98% 100% chance that the Tourneyfags have banned all three from being used. Why? To be simply put, they do it to make the game "fair and balanced." For example, certain stages provide "unfair defensive positions" (ie: the far right cloud in Yoshi's Island). The correct thing to do when a person has an "unfair defensive position" is run over, kick their fucking ass, and TAKE THE DAMN POSITION. What the Tourneyfags prefer to do is bitch and moan about it until the stage is banhammered. That's why Tourneyfags are gay for Final Destination, there are no "unfair defensive positions."
Items are also banned. Sometimes just certain items that give "unfair advantages" like the superstar or hammer which makes a character invincible, or items that replenish heath. What the Tourneyfags fail to realize is that items randomly spawn, meaning that your character has just as good a chance to nab an item as another character does. Deactivating items is a matter of preferences, but the Tourneyfags are emo bitches about it.
Characters have been getting banned, too. T̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶u̶r̶r̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶d̶e̶b̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶u̶r̶n̶e̶y̶f̶a̶g̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶a̶n̶ ̶M̶e̶t̶a̶k̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶g̶a̶m̶e̶.̶ DISREGARD THAT, METAKNIGHT IS NOW BANNED. Tourneyfags, however, would ban anything just to have the game "balanced", so expect your favorite characters getting the banhammer soon.
There is no video game in existence that's perfectly "fair and balanced;" players are always going to find exploits and ways that certain characters can be made more powerful than the rest. Tourneyfags simply water down the game until they're left with this gray, mushy abortion that Nintendo never wanted in the first place.
—Anonymous Casualfag, being a non-faggot.
SmashBoards, the primary focus of this article, is a Super Smash Bros dedicated forum full of these tourneyfags that call themselves "Pro Smash Players". Most of the topics on this forum are arguments about whether Brawl or Melee is better, so-called facts that are really just opinions without any actual basis behind them, and Brawl screenshots that claim to be funny, such as Solid Snake's ass, or the inevitable Princess Peach pantyshot. They do not take very kindly to newfags, as they are often shit upon and blacklisted from every VIP forum if they are unable to interpret any of their inside jokes and/or jargon; most of these are viewable here.
A Quick Guide
You Probably Suck at Smash
—Tourneyfag Commander, defending his legion of assholes' inability to play a game the way it was meant to be played by the creators.
Brawl: Unsuitable for Tourney
Super Smash Brothers BAWWWWW!!1!
Iwata Asks: Brawl
In January 2008, before Super Smash Bros. Brawl hit shelves in Godzilla Land, wii.com began to post a series of interviews between Masahiro Sakurai, the creator of Smash Bros., and Satoru Iwata, the president of Nintendo. In the third installment of the interview, the two touched on the topic of online gameplay: how to create an unlulzy atmosphere free of harassment, but more importantly, how they could stick it to the tourneyfags. Online play was created with the casual gaming faggots in mind, which shouldn't be a surprise given Nintendo's targeting that demographic specifically.
Tourneyfags Invading Other Situations
Tourneyfags think they are so awesome by having a lot of esoteric and gay jargon roughly equivalent to memes:
- Azndash: Azndash is based after a person who failed horribly and "wavedashed" off a stage.
- BK: Bk is a phrase used by fat tourneyfags which means "bad kid".
- Bowsercide/Koopa Kamikaze: In Brawl, Bowser has a special move that allows him to grab a foe, jump up, and squash them with his fat body. If he jumps up while over an edge, both characters will plummet into the pit. Other variants include DKcide, Kirbicide, and Regecide (Ganon and King Dedede).
- Edgehog: The act of waiting for your opponent to get close to the edge after you send them flying, at which point you jump off and grab said edge just before they do, thus causing the foe to helplessly plummet to their doom, since only one person can hang from the ledge at a time. Unlike other tourneyfag techniques, performing this requires minimal skill.
- Jiggs: Faggy way of saying Jigglypuff.
- Knee: Since all tourneyfags are gay for Captain Falcon, one of his moves, the "knee", is constantly hailed as awesome by the tourneyfags solely because they have fantasies of Captain Falcon raping their asshole with his knee.
- L-Canceling/Washdashing/Dash Dancing etc: Glitchy faggotry that Melee fags believe is skill.
- Mindgames: Since tourneyfags thnk thy r soh smrt, they've created a "Mindgames" class of play in which you do some fancy move to distract your opponent.
- Scrub: People who don't follow tourneyfag rules.
- Shining: A tourneyfag's greatest dream. Fox has to get you in a corner, and press down-B many times. Final Destination remains the only available and unbanned stage because of this.
- Shorthop/Fast-Fall Lag Cancel: Since Smash Bros. is a "Serious Fighting Game" and the characters need to be really, really fast, Tourneyfags decided to remove jumping via this method.
- Stafy, why are you here?: A forced meme started by the SmashBoards based on a podcast, which, after much circle jerking, the Smashtards pointed out Stafy's general uselessness and Sakurai's Hate for anything remotely similar to his ideas. Despite this being true, it was never funny. Never. Still repeated by SmashBoards visitors as if it were awesome.
- Tipper: Hitting opponents with the tip of a weapon.
- Tier List: A ranking of characters divided into categories by perceived strength at the highest level of play, assuming that both players are equally skilled, with the usual rules of no items and Final Destination.
- Tires don exits: A meme made by the tourneyfags. Misspelled "Tiers Don't Exist", Tourneyfags have adopted it as "hilarious" because to them, only idiots would criticize Melee. They've also made a t-shirt.
- A2ZOMG: A delusional Tourneyfag that thinks that tiers are made for the lulz. He calls himself a Casualfag because he doesn't have time for tournaments.
- Dylan Tnga: Everyone but him is a fukken scrub.
- Ken Hoang: A pro Tourneyfag who is also an azn. Every Tourneyfag is gay for Ken and would gladly yiff with him. He won 40,000 DOLLARS AT A SMASH TOURNEY OMG. He is an Important Person and needs to be focused on for every smash fan. Lulz at this Smash Site writing an essay on his life. Notice he is a faggot and should be shot. If you see him on the street, gladly do so. He is also known to avoid tournaments he knows he will be raped in, which is pretty much the most of it. Spoilers: Ken is revealed to have a casualfag side to him, as he LURVES items and entered Evo2k8 because they were using items, and butthurt finally hit the tourneyfag community as he lost to a 14-year-old casualfag who played as WALL-E. Ken has recently been accepted as a contestant on the CBS reality TV series "Survivor" in a lulzworthy move worthy of Sakurai himself. Much hilarity is expected from him bitching about how the other tribe are "item-using scrubs." Somehow, he finished in the top five, when finally the rest of the contestants just got tired of his tourneyfag bullshit and voted him off.
- The Buzz Saw: Like most Tourneyfags, Buzz believes that low tiers can never beat a high tier character, which is ironic considering his main was Young Link. He has a blog someplace that no one reads, but it's amusing to see his pseudo-intellegent cases for why "competitive melee" is somehow not retarded.
- RDK: Tribal war god of tourneyfags. Either you agree with him and join the ranks of mindwashed minions or you're a fucking scrub.
- Nesshelper: Retarded tourneyfag. Literally.
- Mew2King: Considered to be the king of Smash Brothers. Every tourneyfags dream is to see this guy in person so they may give him fellatio. Is now an embarrassment because he gets his ass kicked by some Canadian. Also known to receive rimjobs from fellow tourneyfags Inui and MasterDave/Izumi. As known by his name, he's is a BIG FAN of Mewtwo, but he dosen't main him because he's FUCKIN LOW TIER!!! Talk about being a "Mew2king", Eh?
- Inui: Thinks he is the BEST Smash player EVAR, and a total ELITIST. Likes to frequent Fire Emblem boards, because he is the best at that too. One day a member on one (1) of those forums was sick of his shit and decided to UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY (2) on him. Needless to say he was totally butthurt. Worth noting is that he regularly gives rimjobs to Mew2King (THEY'RE BEST FREIDNS!!!!1!), being his personal sex slave. Oh yeah, he's also a Moderator on ALL IS BRAWL, WHICH IS A REALLY BIG DEAL.
- Deva: A tourneyfag that plays as Link, but hates at because Link is one of the biggest piece of shit in the Smash series! The only reason he plays has him because he is a Link fanboy and sucks Link's cock every night
- Armada: Some German Shota tourneyfag who plays as that whore peach. Most noted for coming to an american tourney and raping every tournefags in sed country. Biggest lulz came from beating tourneyfag favorite mew2king. Of course his legion of cockcksuckers came to his defense and made up a shit load of excuse (he was exhausted, BAAAAAAAAW! HE DIDNT PICK SHEIK!) as to why he lost to a minor who barely knew how to fucking speak english. Rumored to be hired and trained by sakurai to piss off and discourage tourney play.
Tourneyfagism in other games
Besides Super Smash Bros., there are other games that tourneyfags make more "balanced and fair". This often involves taking a game that was never designed to be balanced, difficult, or competitive, and adding a laundry list of STOP USING THAT! Always combined with smug autistic elitism and condescension.
- About every single FPS - NO GRENADES, NO LANDMINES, NO VEHICLES, NO COVERED STAGES, KNIFE/HANDGUN ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Half-Life series - NO CROWBARS, NO GRAVITY GUN, NO ALYX, NO DOG, NO HEV SUIT ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Halo series - NO ALIEN WEAPONS, NO SHIELDS, NO CLOAKS, RADARS OFF, SET STARTING WEAPONS, CHIEF ONLY, MAX DAMAGE FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Metroid - NO MISSILES, NO SUPER MISSLES, NO PLASMA BEAM, NO ICE BEAM, NO WAVE BEAM, NO BOMBS, NO POWER BOMBS, NO VARIA SUIT, NO GRAVITY SUIT, POWER BEAM ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT (NOTE: Pretty much every Metroid game starts out this way. Also cocks.)
- Assassin's Creed series - NO FREE-RUNNING, NO STEALTH KILLS, NO LEAPS OF FAITH, NO SIDEQUESTS, FISTS ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Oblivion - NO MAGIC, NO WEAPONS, NO ARMOR, NO FAST TRAVEL/HORSES, NO FACTION QUEST THREADS, HAND TO HAND ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Bioshock - NO PLASMIDS, NO GUNS, NO RESEARCH UPGRADES, NO HACKING, WRENCH ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Pokémon - NO SAME ITEMS, NO DOUBLE TEAM/MINIMIZE/OHKO, NO UBERS, NO EVOLVED FORMS, SLEEP CLAUSE, FREEZE CLAUSE, SELF-KO CLAUSE, LEVEL 50 MAXIMUM, SKARMBLISS ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT. Also: "WTF, that item/Pokemon beat me?! Well, it's broken, so BANNED!" (Typical tourneyfag response to any strategy that has ever worked)
- Magic: the Gathering - NO CHEAP CREATURES, NO BIG CREATURES, NO COUNTERSPELLS, NO CAVERN OF SOULS, BAN JACE, BAN BLOODBRAID ELF, NETDECKS ONLY, NO ORIGINALITY, SAYING GOOD GAME IS AN INSULT, STOP LOOKING AT THE ART, BLUE ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Resident Evil 4 - NO INFINITE LAUNCHER CHICAGO TYPEWRITER OR HANDCANNON, NO BUYING AWESOME WEAPONS FROM MERCHANT, KNIFE ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Street Fighter - NO JUMPING, NO PROJECTILES, NO ANTI-AIRS, NO SUPERS, NO TAUNTING, NO BLOCKING, NO SWEEPING, ZANGIEF ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Fire Emblem - NO RNG ABUSE, NO LOW TIER, NO ARENAS, NO BOSS CHIPPING, LOW TURN COUNTS ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Mass Effect series - NO RIFLES/HEAVY WEAPONS, NO BIOTICS, NO PARAGON/RENEGADE ACTIONS, NO SHIP UPGRADES, NO ROMANCES, PISTOLS ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Doom - NO RUNNING, NO WEAPONS, NO ITEMS, NO BARRELS, FIST ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Tetris - NO I- J- L- S- Z- OR T-PIECES, O-PIECES ONLY, HARD-DROP ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- Dead or Alive - NO SEXY COSTUMES, NO PATRIARCHY, NO BONERS, FEMINISTS ONLY FINAL DESTITNATION FGT
- (Insert Game of Choice Here) - NO FUN, AD HOC RULES, UNNECESSARY LIMITATIONS, SERIOUS BUSINESS ONLY FINAL DESTINATION FGT
- All Is Brawl
- Dylan Tnga
- Rubén Puig Lecegui
- Street Fighter
- Super Smash Bros
- The main cesspool of all things Tourneyfag.
- Another Tourneyfag HQ.
- The Tourneyfag version of Myspace/Facebook.
- Another example of tourneyfag-based fail.
- Tourneyfags don't deserve brawl and
tiers are for queers.
- Faggot BAWWWING about the Tourneyfag page on ED (Every response to this article is basically, "NO U!").
- Tourneyfags ruin everything!
Tourneyfag BAWWWING about another Tourneyfag spamming (Watch his other vids to see how hardcore this fag really is).
- A casual fag imitating Tourneyfags perfectly.
- A nigger tourneyfag who makes daily Smash videos because he has no life.
- Sakurai calls out tourneyfags.
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|Featured article April 7 & 8, 2015|
Tumbles the Stairdragon