Travis the Killer Chimp
Travis the Killer Chimp (1995 – February 16, 2009) was a 200lb (91kg) male chimpanzee who, having been featured in several American television commercials and television shows, was more talented than you ever will be. Named after the sociopathic Travis Bickle of "Taxi Driver," he reached worldwide notoriety when he was stabbed and killed after a sudden, vicious attack on a friend of his keeper while high on Xanax and Lyme disease medication. Travis was only 14 when he was brutally murdered by the Stamford police. Thus, in chimp years, he was afflicted with dementia. He is most notable for going
batshit apeshit insane and eating a woman's face and hands.
As an animal actor, Travis had appeared in several television commercials, including spots for Coca-Cola and Old Navy. He had also appeared on The Maury Povich Show and appeared in a television pilot that featured Sheryl Crow and Michael Moore.
Who is Sandra Herold of the Jungle?
Having declined anon's advice to install dog curtains, Sandra Herold thought it would be a good idea to keep a wild animal as a pet. She resided in the wealthy part of Fairfield County in Stamford, Connecticut. Strangely, she thought pulling a black person out of fucking
Africa Hollywood sounded like a clever and smart idea.
Travis did not like Connecticut. Being accustomed to the life of a star, the severe lack of fake boobies, hookers and blow weighed heavily on Travis and finally lashed out on a friend of Sandra, thus removing her face and hands. Sandra did not have nice boobs.
—News reporter John Christofferson, commenting on the strange and twisted relationship between Travis and his owner Sandra Herold.
Sandra Herold spared no luxuries in the care and keeping of Travis. She fed him the finest foods, gave him wine in long stemmed glasses, and she even took baths with the monkey. Over the course of many years, their relationship grew to that of an older married couple, not that of an owner and pet.
While this would be confusing to the animal, it is not confusing to humans. She loved the animal like it was a husband, but no animal can understand that sort of sentiment, no matter how much a human wants to place human like attributes on an animal. Travis was only seeing a mate, as he had bonded to her like any male chimpanzee would, and that is why when some other person pissed him off by entering his “space,” he ate her eyeballs.
—Primate Expert and master of the understatement, Stephen Rene Tello.
Anthropomorphism is the human tendency to give things human-like qualities. It is considered therapeutic and relaxing by some experts when a human applies these qualities to their pets, but just like most things humans do, these people took it way too far.
Here are some of the things that Travis’ owner did to provide the lulz:
- Fed it human food at the dinner table.
- Allowed it to sit in the car as a human would.
- Fed it human drugs for depression and anxiety.
- Performed fellatio on Travis … lolwut.
- Worried that an animal would have depression and anxiety.
- Gave the chimp ice cream so often that the chimp knew the ice cream truck schedule.
- Took baths together…wait, what?
On February 18th, the New York Post published a cartoon which portrayed President Obama as Travis the Chimp. The New York Post has vigorously maintained that the cartoon was in no way racially antagonistic. Ergo in less time than an0n could avenge a cat, pissed-off activists throughout the Mid-Atlantic mobilized.
Not surprisingly, Al Sharpton - famous for cameoing in Adam Sandler movies and being more popular than Joe Lieberman in the 04' election cycle - was asked to give his take on the situation given his expertise and charisma in defusing community racial tensions. He has proposed that anyone who ever uses the words "Obama" and "monkey" in the same statement be immediately charged with hate speech.
On or around May 25th of 2010, Sandra Herold died of AIDS (purportedly contracted during her marriage to Travis) at 72 years old. In the end, it was Sandra who had the last laugh: She was being sued for 50 million dollars by Charla Nash, who will now live out the rest of her days not only a faceless deformed abomination, but poor as well.
- Adam Lanza - Was really fucking obsessed with Travis.
- Barack Obama
- Black supremacy
- George W. Bush
- Harambe - Another notable primate who died.
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