Ubisoft

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Ubisoft gets a new logo!
A Ubisoft employee, worrying that somewhere a woman is feeling marginalized or underpowered.
A corrupted leak of Assassin's Creed didn't allow playing past Jerusalem, thus this meme was born from twisted and perverse mind of Mr. Quackers/Cosmo Starbuck.

Ubisoft is a game company best known for releasing over 9000 motherfucking Tom Clancy games every month, and for their fawning, creepy obsession with women. Nobody quite knows why they act like a bunch of easily offended, politically correct emo students trying to impress a girl at a party. Some theorize that they are an alien invasion fleet sent from the planet Womyn to manipulate men and destroy the industry. The less prosaic simply accept that Yves Guillemot started the company in a desperate attempt to get laid.

Conversely, Occam's Razor states that the most likely explanation for their being such utter pussies is that they're fucking French. Or virgins. Probably both.

Jade Raymond[edit]

Jade Raymond is supposedly a "video game programmer" working for Ubisoft Montreal. Ubisoft, apparently having realized that most gamers are raging hormonal virgins, decided that in order to sell their new game, Assassin's Creed, they would have Jade front it. Essentially, Jade functions as eye candy so that you will be so distracted by her feminine charms and your desire to rape her repeatedly that you will spend more Jewgolds and this will increase her sales. She is quite probably under the impression that she has been hired due to talent of some sort but in reality it is so that she can be fapped over. She may be only moderately good looking but she is considered prime fapping material for computer geeks due to the association with gaming. This association leads the hordes of basement dwellers to believe that she is somehow more attainable. For the moment this is not true but as soon as the internet has prematurely aged her she will quite probably launch a whirlwind tour of the country, sucking cocks at truckstops for heroin money.

Jade haet satire[edit]

At 11:23 AM, Monday, November 12, 2007 the artist from Chugworth Academy comics posted a comic satirizing Jade's contribution position advertising the game. The comic shows Jade sucking cock to promote the game. Essentially her job is to add sex appeal to the game so the comic benefits from the delicious irony of being not far wrong. Evidently Jade would disagree.

This comic was linked to from the Something Awful forums. Somehow Ubisoft were informed of this fact and they came down with an extreme case of the butthurts leading the Ubisoft lawyers to issue a Cease and Desist order to the SA forum admin. In that order the following hilarious demands were made.[1]

  • Permanently remove the Image from your Site, databases and servers and prevent any further uploading or display thereof
  • Permanently cease and desist all unauthorized use and hosting of images using the Assassin's Creed mark and Ms. Raymond's name and/or likeness
  • Provide us with the name and contact information of the person who originally created and/or posted the image
  • Complete, execute, and return to me the enclosed Declaration by November 16, 2007 to confirm that you are complying with Ubisoft's demand

SA's answer was essentially a giant fuck you. Ubisoft appear to essentially be saying that the Internet is serious business and that by posting the comic they were somehow engaging in unfair business. They also threatened federal lawsuits would follow. As one can imagine the lulz-o-meter went off the scale at this point.

Aftermath[edit]

None. Ubisoft, possibly realizing that America has some law about freedom of speech and protection of satire slinked away to focus on earning moar jewgold. Jade now quite probably spends the free time she has between selling her body as a marketing tool googling frantically to find out whether the internet hates her yet. In a deliciously ironic twist this worry may prematurely age her and result in Ubisoft discarding her shriveled husk of a body when she reaches 35.

other games ubi made[edit]

Assassin's Creed: theres aready an article for that.

Rayman: a gay platformer where you play as a limb-less faggot with no dick beating the ever lasting fuck out of everyone because there are no laws stoping fags. said limb-less fag sleeps for a billion years so eveyone can relax until the next game where the limb-less fag strikes back in a next game that is more or less the same shit as the last.

Silent Hill: a shitty resident evil rip-off that is less scary than FANAF (if thats even possible).

The moar you know...[edit]

Ubisoft programming

Apparently, according to Jade's "official unofficial website"[2] she "is a new modern icon and she is taking the videogame industry by storm. Her name, Jade Raymond, game producer. How not to fall in love with this new gaming icon? Well, first of all, you got to admit it, she's very beautiful... strikingly beautiful. Her beauty is just the tip of the iceberg though, there's alot more to her, that is her wonderful personnality(lol spelling)) and her immense charisma."

She apparently presents on G4 TechTv and was offered the job after "Victor Lucas, the co-host and executive producer of the popular G4 TechTV's show called The Electric Playground came up to her and asked her to join the crew along with Tommy Tallarico, Julie Stoffer and Geoff Keighley." Essentially, in exchange for round after round of cum being dumped in her pooper she was offered a job as eye candy for the show.

Angry Copypasta:[edit]

I finally figured out where all the ASSASSINS CREED hate is coming from. It's not trolls, its not fanboys, *being released on everything* it's fucking /v/irgins - Yeah, Virgins.. each and everyone of you bash assassins creed because the producer is a woman and attractive.

Don't feel bad though it's not just you, when i was with my girlfriend to pick it up two neck-beards were spewing the same shit /v/ does and it was pathetic because i could see the envy and sadness in their eyes when they looked at me and my beautiful girlfriend WHO ACTUALLY WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED TO GO PICK IT UP AHAHAHAHA.

It really is pathetic you all would bash a game because an attractive female is synonymous with it, but i do see a bright side because this won't always be the case with you when you all finally get laid and get a loving girlfriend you won't hate women so much, they really are lovely creatures.

I bet if i asked you to sketch a VAGINA right now you would probably draw an xbox, it is downright embarrassing how clueless you all are about yourselves - you are willing to take a beautiful and intelligent person like Jade and bring her down by not even wanting to play or buy the game just because she had something to do with it.

The Fragdolls[edit]

Fragdolllogo.jpg

The Fragdolls are an entirely manufactured gaming clan set up in order to prove that women should not have to gb2kitchen; presumably as part of a sales plan codenamed "Operation Completely Humiliating Fucking Disaster Waiting To Happen."

Sadly (predictably), they have their own forums full of fawning fans and endless ten minute JewTube snorefest literally caked with rapidly-cooling and coagulating praise from people who think that they may one day sleep with one. They even have a special team for such faggots called "The Bomb Squad". The Bomb Squad are male virgins who actually pay for plane tickets to conventions where the Fraggles will be appearing, and then VOLUNTEER TO HELP THEM GET PAID BY UBISOFT TO PROMOTE RAINBOW SIX.

Sadly (predictably), due to the fact that they were hiring girls that use the internets, it was inevitable that one of them would turn out to have posted her noodz online.

Sadly (predictably), the whole affair has had exactly zero impact on the company's public image, as even /b/ DO NOT WANT the pictures below.

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Pulling Is Rabbit (Or: Award-Winning Nintendo DS Furry Loli Female Masturbation Simulator)[edit]

HAWT

Heather Kelley is another lulzy female employee of Ubisoft, Montreal division. She has never stripped for the camera, and for that we can all sleep easier. However, in 2005 she won the 2005 Game Summit Game Design Challenge contest for writing a Nintendo DS game designed to teach little girls how to frig themselves.

No.

Seriously.


   
 
Ideas I rejected. "Feeling Around In The Dark: An Audio-Only Orgy simulation." Interesting idea, but not really a game per se. Gimmicky."
 

 
 

—Heather Kelley

Gameplay[edit]

She's 15 years older than me, but maybe if I pretend to have read The Wrongs Of Womyn she'll suck my cock!


   
 
I wanted to design a game that would improve actual sex in the world, and for an undeserved population. The DS is already a popular platform with females. Nintendogs, Tamagotchi and other upcoming female-friendly titles (Animal Crossing) should ensure that there is a good (large) consumer base. The touch screen and audio input features are crucial for tactile, intimate gameplay. The portability means you can take the game anywhere ? including OUT of the living room, into the bedroom. Reasonable price point means players probably have their own DS and aren’t sharing with another family member. In other words, I want my game to teach techniques of female sexual gratification to a target audience of females.

SO! What is this game? Lapis - A magical pet adventure (And… a stealthy primer on female sexual pleasure.) The way you play with the bunnies in order to win is patterned after the VARIETY of female sexual response. This is the overall pattern but it can’t be achieved in the same way every time - different things work for different bunnies, at different stages of the game. For instance you may need to use tickling at first, and then humming into the ears. But after a while that stops having an effect, and you have to start tapping on its nose.

Players manipulate the creature (bunny) on the touchscreen, which gives them magical energy to fly. You can touch the bunny in different ways ? stroking, scratching, tickling, etc Also can use the microphone to talk, sing to, blow on the fur…
 


 
 

—Heather Explains It All

TL;DR Version[edit]

  • To get a woman turned on, sing to it and scratch it.
  • If this fails to work, remove its underwear and try blowing up it.
  • If it complains, cover your ears and hum.
  • If any of this stops working, you should resort to tapping it on the nose.
  • This is what happens when you hire women to be taken srsly.

Gallery of "Perfect Lappiness"[edit]

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Put Hsu On Head[edit]

SEXAH!
The PA cartoon that completely failed to start it all

Dan Hsu is a whiny media whore who happens to have a superb talent for making video game companies bawwwwww like butthurt little girls with his reviews. To date one company, one division and one gaming franchise (Ubisoft, Sony Sports and Mortal Kombat, respectively) have completely banned him and EGM (which he was editing at the time) from covering their products as a result of getting unfavorable reviews. In Ubi's case, it was as a result of his surprise buttsexing of Jade's Game (see above).


   
 
For the time being, you'll get little, late, or no coverage of the following products: anything Mortal Kombat (they didn't like our reviews), anything from Sony's sports department (ditto), and now, anything from Ubisoft (it seems our coverage of Assassin's Creed was the last straw). So in case you're wondering why you're seeing so little of these games in our magazines and on our websites, now you know.
 

 
 

—Dan "Shoe" Hsu

Dan's career in taking candy from babies has been going strong since 2005, when he baited Sony's Peter Moore regarding the laughing stock that would become the PS Triple. Penny Arcade made a reasonably good effort regarding the interview (pictured right), and "The Glowing Balls Of Dan Hsu" would probably have been a pretty good meme. However, it was disqualified from the internet due to its source (see also Krystal Can't Enjoy Her Sandwich).

The Hsu-Faux-Greer Theory Of Ubisoft[edit]

HOW DO I MILKED PUBLICITY?

The Hsu-Faux-Greer Theory Of Ubisoft is best illustrated by the following simile. Let's assume you're at a party, and a big, boorish lout of a scoundrel confronts you and your ladyfriend. Naturally you're too shitscared to invite him into the parking facilities for a round of fisticuffs by the Marquis of Queensbury's rules, so you need a Plan B to avoid looking like a wimp.

Plan B is to leap onto your transgendered high horse and claim that one is obviously above such barbaric behavior and posit that a lady should not have to be witness to such loutish balderdash. Come, James, hail me a handsome cab to my Kensington rooms and don't spare the horses! Your female companion then swoons, says that you're the nicest and most intelligent guy she's ever met, and goes and has eight hours of jungle buttsex with Cooldude.

Put simply, the entire corporate history and every one of their contributions to the gaming industry amount to a fevered attempt to fool every woman in the world into thinking that they are liberated, sympathetic quasi-feminists in order to draw attention away from what complete and utter walking vaginas they are. Should this theory prove to be true, it will mean that constitute the biggest and most expensive single attempt to get off the friend ladder in history.

[edit]

In May of 2017 Ubisoft decided to double down in dumpy design and shat out this epic masterpiece of a load, that looks like 90s era clip art bitched off a NO!SPEC abusing community contest; where the winner was awarded with a participation trophy and a trunk full of trash games.

UbisoftNewLogo2.jpg

External Links[edit]

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Jade[edit]

Fragdolls[edit]

Rampant Rabbit[edit]

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