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Ultima Online

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Simulated burning of bitches in UO - a common past time amongst the Roleplayers

Ultima Online (UO) is a MMORPG, made at least 100 years ago by Origin. Intended at first to be played by only seven people, due to the 56k internet connection standard of the time only four of those seven could actually log in. However, within hours l33t gamers and script kiddies discovered UO. Origin was forced to update their servers, and the first true MMORPG was born. Like all online RPGs it is now played mostly by AZNS, hardcore gamers, and you, lol.


UO has been made of more fail in recent years thanks to EA's takeover of the game in 2003. Only retards still play and pay for it. It has been pointed out by legitimate, serious research that many WoW players actually secretly play and pay for UO. It is also a fact, beyond question, that everyone who still plays UO is a virgin.



How to win at UO

How to look L33t - note the apron.

PROTIP: If you want to win at UO, don't play UO.

  1. See-saw stats for lulz and win. Reach Grandmaster (GM) status in combat skills and healing.
  1. Camp at either Vesper or Britain bank for 5 hours a day and spam over vendors trying to sell rares.
  1. Purchase a llama. Ride it at all times. Accompany this with the L33t look pictured to the right.
  1. Pwn by buying houses and selling them for ten times what you paid for on UO auction - wholly undermining the in-game economy.
  1.  ????
  1. Profit

Potential for Lulz

Epic Lulz can be had in UO. In fact, it is a commonly accepted fact that UO was made to pwn n00bz in. Here is a non-exhaustive list of top ways to achieve lulz:

  • Build hundreds of random items (such as wardrobes) and place them around popular hang-outs. This will a) clutter the environment b) lag 56k players c) impress girls for e-sex.
  • Roleplay: This will drive most UO player batshit crazy. Speak in seemingly plausible Shakespearean English for maximum effect. Examples include;
  • Offer free stuffand lead the poor unsuspecting Faggot through the portal, but in reality you are leading him into the PvP arena. Player kill the sucker and loot his shit, creates instant rage.


(Taken from real UO conversation)

  • Mandrake: "LOL!!111!!!11LOOK AT MY L33T MAGIC SKILLZZZ BITCHES!!!111"
  • Jesus, lol: "What manner of man are ye whom can summon up fire without flint, nor tinder?"
  • Mandrake: "OMFG!!!111 STFU NOOB"
  • Jesus, lol: "Come, hither! For this mighty stoke; clasp in bronze adonement, be furtherance for thy courageous zeal."
  • Gatecrash weddings. In UO, retards actually roleplay getting married. Turn up and spam the proceedings with wardrobes, tamed animals, and jester hats.
  • Pretend to be an NPC, which is non-player character.
  • Farm for ore - get a boat and camp at popular mining spots. Do not let anyone else near. For maximum lulz, buy 3 boats and teleport back to the harbor each time you anchor one at the mining spot.
  • Deliberately typo, "Vendor Buy," whenever in a shop.
  • Randomly say, "WTF?", when outside the bank. This will spark interest amongst bank campers as they will wonder if the bank is suddenly bugged. Once attention has been drawn you can justifiably announce, "owned, lol."
  • Run around naked holding a spell book and camp at public moongates. When asked WTF U ARE DOING just lol and run away into a woodland area.
  • PLAYER KILL, lol. PKing is the l33test way to pwn in UO. Looting once PKing is mandatory for teh win.

Bonus lulz

To ub3r pwn in UO carry out the following tried and trusted method:

1) Go to the busy Ironwood Inn outside of Vesper

2) Enter an empty room and go invisible (some basic skill in hiding required)

3) Wait until a gold farmer arrives and, satisfied no-one is around, places a small bag containing 50k gold on the floor, hoping to then quickly log out and then in again with another freshly made character ready to pick it up. (i.e. a gold transfer)

4) Quickly reveal yourself before they log back in, grab the bag, and then type in CAPS, "OWNED, LOL" as they re-appear. This will ensure maximum damage.

5) ????

6) Profit.

Types of player in UO

AZN player storing his jew gold

N00bs

They don't know shit about the game and treat it like a glorified isometric chat room. Invite these players to come with you to an area outside the city and then PK them.

Roleplayers

Serious roleplayers who actually fill out their scroll with a short life story for their char. Unlike a noob, these players will probably know something about the game but normally prove to be shit at PvP. The best way to deal with RPers is to report them to the Game Masters (GMs) for trying to rape you.

l33t PKers

Unlike a lulz seeker, a l33t PKer in UO will be a player who spends over 9000 hours playing UO every day. They will always look exactly the same and will deliberately use retarded spelling and grammar. Without exception, they are 13 year-old boys.

AFK bank campers

Common in UO, they will most likely be involved in anything up to twenty four ICQ conversations whilst running UO minimised in their taskbar. Often members of guilds, they will rarely leave major cities and will always claim to be selling rares in their profile scroll.

AZNs

It is a well known fact that one in three UO players is an AZN. They will usually play as traders and have OMG WTF amounts of Gold. They have no concept of the talkbar and will never converse with you - so don't bother trying.


The Basics

To be l33t at UO you need to have first played Habbo Hotel. Graphically, the two games are quite alike. Although there is no "pool" as such in UO to close one can instigate a wide number of lulz-facilitating moments. For example, philosophers often say, "I am Socrates". Take this gem of knowledge and apply it into UO but with the caveat of announcing you are Jesus. In fact, roleplaying Jesus in UO is guaranteed to stir a plethora of retarded e-motions.

Unlike a really shitty, over hyped, MMORPG, like WoW, in UO even a total n00b can travel to any location on the map from day one. Using the correct macros, you can reach GM level in only a day or two. Just camp by a training dummy in an NPC's shop. EA will try to skull fuck you for this but will rarely detect what you are up to.

The truth is no-one plays this game anymore. Don't bother trying to level up. UO is for advanced lulz conducting only.

Expansion Packs and Sequel

Everyone who was a part of Origin Systems became an heroes in 1999 at the coming of the Hale-Bopp Comet. UO ran by itself for two years... actually proving that one of Nostradamus' predictions was bullshit. However, EA realized and swiftly took over. Being money grabbing fucknuts, they attempted to promote shitty expansions by claiming they made UO 3d, lol. The reality was quite different and only two people actually bought UO: Third Dawn.

EA then announced a sequel but after the pot had ran out and the hash smoke cleared they realized what they had done and soon cancelled it.

Precisely two months and 3 days later they again announced another sequel. This time the joke had just got old and no-one believed them. It was cancelled about two hours later.

More expansion packs came, meaning e-bucks for Jews. Literally the only new feature was a samurai sword. This meant that all the AZNs could finally properly RP being samurai. Japanophiles were intrigued by this new feature and suddenly a load subscribed - meaning further AFKers now clutter the various banks of Ultima or wherever the fuck it is.


The Mods

Racist Mods

It is a proven fact that the mods in UO are racist. This is common knowledge. If they suspect you are a nigra you will be confronted by a GM and put in a lame jail for however long they decide to keep you in one. This jail system is akin to being auto-teleported into a small room. There is no way out.


Trivia

  • In a epic display of pwnage at least 100 years ago Lord British, the ruler of the game world, was killed by a l33t h4x0r whilst roleplaying an in-game event. The incident caused three Origin employees to salivate uncontrollably for ten hours. It also gave birth to the term, "Oh shit, we should have turned on invinsibility for our doodz, lol".
  • There is a way out of UO! Seriously... all you do is close the window, go to uo.com and log in, and then cancel your account.
  • Only fags use Halberds.
  • Some people have never actually logged out of UO in ten years. Sociological studies from the '90s have proven that at least three hundred bank campers are actually dead in RL.
  • Contrary to popular belief, no girls play UO what-so-ever.
  • Corp Por is a sign that you will probably receive butthurt within thirty seconds unless you yell "Guards" and watch NPC guards pwn a noob in a city who targetted you in a protected area.

Free Shards

Because players realized that paying for a shitty game turned even shittier was retarded, many free servers (freeshards) have been created. Most freeshards are shit run by 13 year old boys, while there are some that are relatively fun to play on. Though, these require massive amounts of Jewgold to run and still have shitty GMs

  • UOGamers: Hybrid is one of the most popular. This server is based around Giving GMs BJs, this is also the only way to get one-of-a-kind rares.
  • UO: The Second Age is an oldschool server replicating UO from 1999. All the leet pvp nerds play here.
  • Angel Island is a crappy server where all the role players play on. The economy sucks and all GMs are racist.
  • UOGamers: Divinity is where all the fags go when they lose their shit on Hybrid or get pissed off at the racist GMs. There are no rare items, and only normal swords, shields, spellbooks and robes are attainable items on the shard.
  • UOGamers: Demise is total shit and barely worth mentioning. See more here.
  • Defiance Everyone here is a 13 year old nerd or killermage and spends all their time either ganking people at bb (britain bank)or trying to make the first leather cap with 15 lrc 8 lmc mr 2 and all 70 resists.

See Also

External links

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